Now what have I done...

[Raven44]

Alright, so my ex and I have been in a state of NC for about a month and a half up until about 5 days ago. 5 days ago I contacted him via a forum we both post on and we started talking more and more each day. We went for coffee 2 days ago I believe; after me stating that we should probably go back into NC for the fact that he was getting confused again and I was never not confused. He suggested it so that just threw me for a loop. Anyway that went fine, we talked and laughed the entire time and we ended up kissing. (I dont know if that was bad or not) Then last night after I got out of work we went down to the beach. We were arguing and discussing a few things that were bothering him and it put me quite on edge; but somehow we were able to talk it through. At one point at the end of the evening we were sitting in a dark park talking and we both admitted that we still loved oneanother; but I stated that tings could never be as they were. I dont want to be with him again right now. I know that I am not mature enough to be in a relationship where I know it could go somewhere; that whole concept still scares me too much. And I know if we were together, it would happen. His responce to that was that we could be best friends, just complicated bestfriends. I cant do that.

 

I need the chance to move on and learn from other experiences, but I cannot do that with him right there beside me. Not in that way. So when I got home last night I sent him an email stating all of this and he did not take it well. He tried calling me but I just couldnt talk to him; not without bursting into tears; again.

 

I dont know what to do anymore; I have told him that if he just wants to go back into NC then I will understand; I wont like it and I will probably send him random emails etc. because I am going to fight for our friendship. But I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

Please ENotAlone, I need some serious help on this. Its just gotten too much for me.

 

Thank you in advance, and sorry for the long read.

 

Raven

[RayKay]

I am not surprised that was his reaction, that is why you must BOTH be doing NC and not breaking it.

 

I think you are sending him mixed messages by contacting him, and by expressing through forums and messages that you miss him and don't understand why you can't be friends...you can't be friends as he needs to heal right now.

 

You both need NC right now, it is clear from your post that despite you "not being confused" you are giving him impression you are with your actions and behaviours. Which confuses HIM. And leads you right back to where you were.

[SadnConfused]

Well, I tell you what. You are pretty much screwed either way. You can stop being so selfish and go with your heart... or you can spend the rest of your life wondering how "good" it could have been. Listen, people can not pick and choose when to be in a relationship. When they happen they happen. When people resist or have confusion become involved things get ugly. Take some more time and figure out your confusion. Live and learn. Stop tugging at his heart strings for awhile.

[Blurr]

From a male perspective, you can't (usually) have such an intimate relationship and then, even after expressing to him that you love him, want to remain friends.

 

It just doesn't work that way on our ends. As much as us men get the rep of being unemotional, we are actually quite fragile inside...especially when it comes to love.

 

I also agree with SadnConfused...you can spend your entire LIFE second guessing yourself and wondering 'what if'. If you wern't prepared for a serious relationship then why did you begin one? It's quite obvious that you have feelings for him...why not just go for it?

 

It may last forever, it may not. you are still very young and have many many years ahead of you. Believe me, you are not going to be missing out on anything by having a relationship with him...in fact, you may be missing out on something if you don't!

[DN]

I believe he was doing quite well and now he is back to square one.

 

Nothing that happened since you contacted him is different from what it was when you first broke up with him: i.e. you don't want him in a romantic relationship. You can dress it up as 'love but not in love' or 'being confused' or 'not ready' or whatever - but that is all the more reason to let him complete his healing and stop reopening what is a very deep wound.

 

You have to leave him alone so he can get on with his life. That is the most unselfish thing you can do for him right now. The more you keep reeling him in and throwing him back the more damage you will do to him - and he has been damaged enough by this situation already.

[lillady898]

I agree. You should allow him to heal by both of you taking part in no contact. It's the best way to go for both you and him. I have just last night told my exboyfriend that he shouldn't call me any more and vice versa, just so we can get over eachother and move on. This "friends" thing wasn't doing either of us any good and we always ended up at square one: Confused and hurt. Then we'd have to start all over again with the healing process. He called me and I missed his call- I refuse to call back, not only for my sake, but for his. I already feel better. It definetly helps matters to do no contact and stick with it.

[Hope75]

Agree with the other posters. Sure, you are fine with hanging out with him because you are sure that you don't want to get back with him. He on the other hand is still holding onto hope and you continue to hurt him by agreeing to see him, kissing him, and then telling him that you still don't want to be with him.

 

Next time he contacts you, leave him alone. Tell him that you can't meet up, and you want to get on with your life. And don't contact him yourself anymore. You are not being fair to him. Get on with your own life, and let him get on with his.

[Raven44]

Thank you everyone. I know that this is going to be the only way and I am so sorry that I have done this to him again. I think I have become strong enough to not contact him this time so I am praying that I can keep to my word. One thing is though, is that I never told him that I wanted to be with him again. I did say that I wanted to be best friends; he is the one who kept saying "bestfriends with complications". Throughout the entire evening he was kissing my cheek or neck when he could, pulling me close etc. and I was pulling away and turning my head for all of that. In the end he was able to turn my head towards his and thats when the kissing started. He just knows all of my buttons and I just dont have the willpower when it comes to him.

 

Anyway, thank you for your responces. I am going to buck up and just leave him alone. For his sake much more than mine.

[Hope75]

You know he can't be 'best friends' with you while he is still in love with you and wants to be with you romantically.

 

You also know that given the way he feels it's not fair for you to be contacting him and hanging out with him and kissing him. He is not going to be able to get over you if he is constantly reminded of you and sees you.

 

You sent him some major mixed signals by breaking NC and initiating contact, and than agreeing to see him, and then kissing him.

 

You now know what you need to do, and that you need to stick to it and be fair to him. You've hurt him enough, give him one last ounce of respect and kindness and leave him alone and let him heal.

[arwen]

he is the one who kept saying "bestfriends with complications".

 

And this is EXACTLY why you should leave him alone.

 

You can't make him be friends with you, and expect he will swallow his other feelings. He clearly states that this friendship is complicated. So don't contact him, and give him the space to move on.

 

In this case, I think his need to recover outweighs your need for a 'best friend-involvement'.

 

Ilse.

[Mun]

Raven you are going to need to care about his feelings too, not just yours and step back and leave him alone. You are both putting yourselves back at square one by doing this little dance ever so often.

 

You know, I had a guy doing that to me too. He had alot of issues and just when I was moving on he would drag me back in because he still wanted to be friends, but was just not ready for more yet. I mean, if he didn't want me he should just have left me alone.

 

He was supposed to be my friend and care about my feelings too. I think he just didn't want to lose his "admirer" -I was his ego boost -but that was not fair to me because I still had feelings. I finally got tired of all the head games, decided he was a selfish jerk, and moved on.

 

He too deserves to find a girl that knows she wants to be with him NOW...not someone who isn't ready but wants to put him on a high shelf and come back to him when she is ready. It's not fair to him.

[Raven44]

Well, because of my selfish stupidity I have done irepareble damage to a beautiful thing. I cant be friends with my bestfriend, I cant talk to him, I cant see him, in many ways I cant even think of him. For his own good. At this point I would love to be the type of person who is continuosly selfish; but I know my limits. I cant keep doing this to him....Or myself. As all of you have said, I cannot lead him around on a string; it is cruel and unusual punishment. For a crime he did not commit. I have put him back to square one with my stupidity....And dear lord I regret it.

 

As we promised lastnight, Best Friends Forever...No Matter What.

 

Not even NC can break that promise, not in my mind at least. If one day he can forgive me and realize that this is what both of us needed, then I will be the happiest woman on the face of the earth. For right now though, there will be silence from the peanut gallery. For as long as need be.

 

Thank you everyone.

[SadnConfused]

Good. If the relationship was strong, have faith. I am doing the same thing right now. Things will come around. You ll see... Now, leave it at that. Cheer up! You only live once. Think about it this way... You got to have this relationship and someday may be in it again... Some people go through thier whole lives unable to find love. You had it and have it. Time to be happy. He's there. He knows you are there... Catch my drift?