what a mess, such a mess ...

[peaceloveunderstanding]

theres no use sugar coating any of this. ill jump right in. heres some background. in october 2004, i had an abortion. i was involved with a deadbeat of a boyfriend. he was abusive, he was mean, controlling, manipulative, a cheater, a sociopath ... basically he was a nightmare. he got me pregnant. he was also in a lot of trouble with the law and i knew that his time was running out. rather than keep a child who would have such a failure of a father, i did what i felt best and terminated my pregnancy. i felt so much emotionally it was hard for me to handle it. it wasnt just that i felt i was taking an easy way out and i didnt want to be responsible for it just because my ex was such a screwup. i thought abou how my life would be, how the child would have no chance for any kind of relationship with their father, and how i knew that ultimately, i was in a way saving this childs life from a life of disapointment. i was not at a point to be a mother either. i was more depressed than anytime i remember, cutting myself all the time, and i felt so dead inside. i broke up with my ex back in december, hes overseas in jail now, and hes long since out of my life.

 

however, two months ago, i met a boy who changed my life. i met him four years ago, and we reaquainted two and a half months ago. with him, im the happiest ive ever been. after a lot of really failed relationships, i seem to have finally found a guy whose stable, dependable, got his life on track, not a criminal, not a liar, whose funny, doesnt make me cry, and totally blesses my life to infinity. hes very much unlike anyone ive ever known and we have a really easy, mellow, laid back relationship. after instability in my personal life the last five years, its exactly what my life has needed for so long. about a week ago, i had been getting really nautious, i was sleeping a whole lot more than i used to, i felt lethargic, i just didnt feel good. i started thinking about it, and i realized i hadnt had my period this month. im starting to really think im pregnant. i havent taken a pregnancy test, i just feel it. part of me just knows.

 

this comes at a weird time. last weekend, i told brian for the first time about my abortion. i felt he had a right to know. when i ask him his opinion on what i had done, he tells me hes "a guy and theres no way a guy would ever be able to feel or know exactly how a woman feels, so hes got no right to even dictate how she should handle a pregnancy." i dont know how he would react if i told him i was pregnant though. with our child. and telling my parents would be a huge deal. my parents were very upset when i got pregnant with my ex's baby. i think it had to do with the kind of guy my ex was mainly. my parents saw him as a waste of air, my dad called him a parasite, my mom said he was a disrespectful, controlling, sociopath. so the last thing they wanted for me then was to have a baby with him. my mom doesnt know brian. shes since moved to colorado. my dad has met brian once. brian was really shy around my dad and didnt say much. and now, hes probably the father of my child.

 

how should i even handle this? i feel so helpless. on one hand, im thrilled to death. on another, im thinking what the (censored) do i do next? am i even ready? i know im with a MUCH more dependable, reliable guy this time, but im scared.

[RayKay]

I think first thing you need to do is take a test. If you are already late, it should be accurate at this point.

 

This will come as a shock to Brian too I am sure, unless you have not been using birth control? I am not so sure he was expecting to be a father without discussion beforehand. Were you using birth control?

 

The only way to handle this is to be responsible for your actions and take a test, and then talk to your partner about it. He may be upset, or scared, or happy...but in any case you do need to talk to him about it. It is your choice whether or not you tell him before the test...it is generally better ot have that emotional support, but sometimes it is better to be sure before you bring it to him (since I am sure he is not expecting it right now either). Likely he will need some time to process it too.

 

As for your parents, well again, you need to be responsible for your actions and let them know. They cannot dictate your future or your choices, but hopefully they will be supportive in the long run.

 

I am curious as to whether you were using birth control or not though, and how the pregnancy occurred...was it in some way to replace what you previously lost? You made a decision then that was best for you, though some regret and emotions are normal...but if you do find that aspect hard to deal with, perhaps some counselling might be in order too.

[Blurr]

Well, have you told Brian about the possibility that you are pregnant yet? I think the first priority would be to tell him and see how he feels about it, not your parents. But even before that, go out and get a pregnancy test and take it.

 

I assume that because you are pregnant that you are not using condoms and/or birth control? Although it may be a little late now, it's definitely something you should be considering in the future.

 

Anyways, don't stress out about it. If you take the test and it turns out positive, let Brian know right away. I think it's his right to know since it is his kid. Also, if he is the great guy you portray him to be, I think he will be understanding and supportive. From there you can figure out how to tell your parents and hopefully he will be able to help you through that.

[shorty20]

take a pregnancy test.... if it's positive, talk to brian... go from there

[btbt]

First, I'd say don't blame yourself about the abortion. You did what was right at the time and it sounds like you thought things through and had the support of your parents.

 

Second, however, I would say that it was careless of you to have unprotected sex with your new boyfriend. You say things are going great, but you shouldn't be having unprotected sex unless you are in a monogamous relationship, have full information about each other's STDS, and are ready for pregnancy. That said, you need to find out if you are pregnant and then tell your boyfriend. If he reacts badly, then he's not the one for you. But you acted a bit carelessly -- you should never be a situation where you don't know whether your partner wants a child but have unprotected sex. That only puts you in the predicament that you are in now.

 

I don't mean to lecture you. You sound like a thinking person and will be able to handle this. But in the future, make sure you are prepared in advance for the consequences of unprotected sex. And it's not just pregnancy but STDs and AIDS.

[peaceloveunderstanding]

understand this. even before he came in my life, i get tested every six months. we had a talk about this in the beginning of our relationship, and brian even told me he gets tested. i saw his test results. hes clean. im clean. we share those test results when we get them. i had a test about a month ago and everything was fine. we are exclusively with each other. dont think im just out sleeping with anything and everything. im a responsible person. i havent always made the best choices with the guys i dated and the things i put myself through just to have someone, but ive learned a lot from these things. ive gone through counselling for a lot of my relationship issues, ive done group counselling. theyve both been beneficial, ive learned to love myself and get my confidence back.

 

i know i was careless by not protecting myself further when i had sex with him. i know that. im an idiot for not learning the first time. however, i cant do anything about it. im trying to handle this as best as i can, even though from the get go, i wasnt doing it in the most responsible of ways.

[btbt]

Sounds good. Looks like you are watching out for yourself for the most part. I wish you luck. I hope that Brian will be understanding of pregnancy and whatever you choose. I guess you've learned things the hard way, but it's better than not learning them at all! Best of luck.

[chai714]

my dad has met brian once. brian was really shy around my dad and didnt say much. and now, hes probably the father of my child.

 

In my opinion, Brian has the right-to-know about your pregnancy even though you're not certain it is his. It would give him time to plan for the future (if he so desires), and it's imminent he finds out. The sooner, the better, the more time to plan. Also, the sooner you find out who the father is, the better for you too.

[mshollywod]

my dad has met brian once. brian was really shy around my dad and didnt say much. and now, hes probably the father of my child.

 

I agree with what everyone else has said. I don't mean to judge but I'm confused...if Brian is so great then why were you sleeping with someone else?

[RayKay]

my dad has met brian once. brian was really shy around my dad and didnt say much. and now, hes probably the father of my child.

 

I agree with what everyone else has said. I don't mean to judge but I'm confused...if Brian is so great then why were you sleeping with someone else?

 

Um...I don't think she is. I just think she is not sure she IS pregnant yet, that is why she used "probably father" since she is only "probably pregnant" at the moment.

[peaceloveunderstanding]

what?!?!??!?!

 

im not sleeping with anyone else! i never, ever meant it like that. i never meant it as in im assuming hes the father of my child, i meant it as in my dad has met him once, and since he hasnt had time to really get to know him yet, the next way hes going to know him is going to be the father of my child, if i prove to be pregnant.

[mshollywod]

Thanks for the clarification!

[chai714]

RayKay and Peace,

Thank you for clearing it up. MsHollywood and I thought the same thing - that you were sleeping with multiple people.

 

My advice still stands - he has a right to know that there's a possiblity that you might be pregnant. This is part of being open and honest, which will only add strength to your relationship. It may not be easy to do this, but it's the right thing to do.