Is this abusive behavior?

[lady00]

 

My brother doesn't want me to move in with him because he thinks I need to learn to take care of myself he says. .

 

did you tell him exactly what you told us? I can't believe he would say that knowing how your ex treats you! after all, this isn't about learning some lesson about how to take care of yourself, it's about doing what's best for your daughter and youself.

[phishgirl]

Jetta, I've read many of your posts. Not just from the "Breaking up" page, but from the "suicide" page as well. It sounds like you're in a point in your life where you feel trapped by both your children, and your desire to have this man in your life. Based on all your responses, I view you as a strong, independent person who is restricted by your current husband and who may or may not feel guilty about your children growing up without a father. I believe that your conflicts with your husband, whether petty or very abusive, may be affecting your children. By your depression, the way you avoid conflict with your husband, and how you manage your children, more or less. Your kids are aware of your mood, no matter how you present yourself to them. Your husband is causing this, for various reasons, and is causing you to react in a passive way, whether it's beating up on you or simply not allowing you the alone, peaceful time you deserve. Jetta, you deserve peace, whether it be mentally or physically. You owe that to your children to be a sane woman. I believe your children may be better off with a single mother who knows who she is and how she'll manage her life, father figure or not. It's damaging to stay with this guy who doesn't respect your basic needs (sleep and piece of mind), and that goes with your children as well. You are seriously better off considering life without your husband-perhaps on a trial separation, if you're afraid, but still, it's a chance you have to take for yours and your childrens' sake. Please go with your gut and make the right decision. You are ultimately the one in charge of yours and your childrens' life happiness. You're a strong woman, and it seems to me that your husband is holding you back from this. Please consider this.

[Shidoshi]

Shidoshi wrote:

 

How are you telling him to stop? If you believe you're being abused I would think your reaction to this would be quite explosive.

 

 

 

Not so. When you're being abused, you normally are someone with low self-esteem. On top of that, she's financially dependent upon him (and he's using that leverage).

Further, if you're constantly exhausted, you're worn down enough to just start allowing it. Sleep is necessary or we die--much like air, food and water. Yes, that's a fact.

I have no idea who Jetta is in RL, she may or may not have low self-esteem, and that in itself doesn't explain everything. Being financially dependant on someone doesn't mean you will put up with all bad behavior. My older sister is proof of that (not saying she's happy about it either).

I'm well aware of the need for air, food, water, and sleep, thanks for the info.

Your reply bothers me because I wonder what you would say to someone who was raped if they didn't fight back enough.

That's ridiculous, and almost insulting. I'm asking questions because I don't know this person. I'm trying to get a better understanding of the situation, and based on feedback I get (from the OP) I can better judge the circumstances (as best as anyone can without actually "knowing" the people involved). These things aren't always as black & white as you make it seem.

[Jetta]

Based on all your responses, I view you as a strong, independent person who is restricted by your current husband and who may or may not feel guilty about your children growing up without a father.

 

That is exactly how I feel about this marriage. Restricted. And yes I do feel guilty about removing her from her father but have agreed to shared custody.

 

Okay my brother is against divorce. He doesn't like my husband for a lot of reasons, but his view is once your married you are for life. He doesn't like that I'm removing my daughter from her father, he sees how my son acts out and believes the first divorce is the cause of most of his problemed behavior. He figures I'm setting my daughter up for a messed up life, and yes in the back of my mind that is a concern. That is why he took the stand he has. My mom knows my husband isn't right and says he even fooled her initially. Now she sees there are things that just can't be changed and I'd be a fool to stay. She said if I really need a place they'll help me. My friends realize this isn't easy, but do believe I've made the right decision.

 

Yes I struggle with depression, but have never been on medication for it. I am not a person who likes to fight however I do bring up problems, try to anyway. People just don't change. He will never be a man who keeps his word, for example. My now ex-husband does not want to deal with any problems, and would rather ignore everything. He walks away as soon as I bring up anything he doesn't want to hear. Really makes it hard to communicate. There were probably signs but I missed them. I just remember thinking he was very patient, that's really indifference.

 

I do think I'll be better off. It's just the transition phase sucks. I really wish I could make the marriage work and I'm having a very hard time letting go.

[RayKay]

Yes, this is abuse. There are different levels to abuse. You don't have to be raped or beaten within an inch of your life for it to be considered abuse. Like Satan (lol) abuse comes in many different forms. This is just a different level on the abuse spectrum. If what most of you all are saying is true then verbal abuse shouldn't be called verbal abuse... Anyways, it's obvious that his behavior is very inconsiderate and it is affecting your health as well as your daily affairs. This IS abuse. Maybe not as severe as being beaten with a baseball bat or being forced to have sex with someone but it's still abuse.

 

That is not a fair statement to those who said it was not abuse...they (including myself) were not given all the facts in the original post and it was elaborated further on that perhaps he has more of a pattern then just waking her up perhaps through other posts. I still stand by someone just waking someone up several times for sex is NOT abuse. If that is the case, I guess I ought to tell my mother she was "abusive" for repeatedly getting me up for school when I lived at home...or "forcing me" to do the chores and so on.

 

Someone waking someone up in itself is not abuse, there needs to be a pattern including verbal and so on. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship, so I would never deny that abuse is more than just physical.

 

I think though stating that the behaviour of someone waking someone up for sex (and not FORCING it on them) is abuse is HUGELY detrimental to those who are actually in abusive situations. I would say this is a case of inconsiderate behaviour, and a lack of communication on both parties.

[Jetta]

I would say this is a case of inconsiderate behaviour, and a lack of communication on both parties.

 

I do and have communicated, it gets ignored or dismissed. I will say "I am tired just let me sleep." "I'm going to take a nap, leave me alone." Doesn't matter what I say he won't listen. He'll say okay yet continue to do what I've told him to quit doing. I haven't sleep solidly in days and am about to go off because I am so tired.

[winterfairy]

This may seem kind of dumb, but have you considered taking your child and going to a hotel for a day or two- just to get some sleep? I know that it's absolutely rediculous to suggest that you have to leave your own home to get some rest! But this guys sounds like a pain in the a** and sounds pretty relentless so if you can't *tell* him to stop. . . I dunno. If you are really that tired, you will soon not be able to function normally at all- enough to take care of daily responsibilities. Do you have a friend you can stay with? A relative? Anyone with a bed?

[lady00]

If that is the case, I guess I ought to tell my mother she was "abusive" for repeatedly getting me up for school when I lived at home...or "forcing me" to do the chores and so on.

 

Someone waking someone up in itself is not abuse, there needs to be a pattern including verbal and so on. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship, so I would never deny that abuse is more than just physical.

 

I think though stating that the behaviour of someone waking someone up for sex (and not FORCING it on them) is abuse is HUGELY detrimental to those who are actually in abusive situations. I would say this is a case of inconsiderate behaviour, and a lack of communication on both parties.

 

Don't mean to nitpick on this point but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. You're comparing apples and oranges here. Your mom waking you up to go to school was her being a responsible parent and thinking about your education and well being whereas Jetta's ex repeatedly waking her up and asking for sex in hopes that she will eventually give in just so she can have some sleep is deliberately psychologically hurting her in order to manipulate her and get her to do something she doesn't want to do. Getting someone to have sex with you against their will so that you will stop harassing them is pretty abusive...if I understand correctly that's what has happened in the past and now the ex thinks that he can do it again, only Jetta isn't giving in anymore. Two completely different scenarios...one is abusive, the other is not.

[RayKay]

Sorry, I STILL stand by this in itself is not abuse. In a pattern, yes it is abusive. But in itself it is NOT.

 

What if she was just waking me up to do the dishes? Or the laundry? Does that change it? And she was still "making" me get up for school...

 

What about if my neighbour likes to play loud music when I am taking a nap every day and keeps waking me up? Is that abuse?

 

Also, it is a situation that she can remedy by leaving or kicking him out. If she feels that frustrated about it I believe she can exert some control of situation and find a solution.

 

I think the sleep deprivation one would call abusive (ie as in a prisoner of war situation) is very different than the one that would be encountered from someone waking her up from her naps. Yes, she is tired, I understand that, and has a hard time functioning on little sleep, as do many people who have children, demanding jobs and so on. But there are still ways around it. IF she knows he will wake her up, she can leave, or nap when he is not home, or get more sleep in evening.

 

He is her ex, and I do not see why she puts herself in this situation..I know she has financial troubles and so on, but she also needs to take responsibility for the situation she is in.

 

We only have ONE side of the story here plain and simple, and basing it on the original post, I think to shout "abuse" off the bat is rather hasty as some seemed to jump to agree almost right away without even really questioning it.

 

Remember, I DO agree it is selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful on his part, without a doubt. But to declare it abusive before even looking at the surrounding issues is a bit hasty. Now reading her other posts, I also know she is depressed and he might be emotionally manipulative, but to read her initial post and declare this action in itself is abuse is to me still detrimental to those who are in abusive situations (be it verbal, emotional, physical).

 

I understand some people might call it abuse, that is their choice, but I won't call it so as I do feel it is detrimental to those in abusive situations, and so yes, we can respectfully disagree.

[shes2smart]

This may seem kind of dumb, but have you considered taking your child and going to a hotel for a day or two- just to get some sleep?

 

Nope, doesn't sound dumb...I was just going to suggest the same thing.

 

If cash is a problem, I've been really lucky with getting hotels for $20-25 on priceline....you might want to give it a try.

[lady00]

If she feels that frustrated about it I believe she can exert some control of situation and find a solution.

 

He is her ex, and I do not see why she puts herself in this situation..I know she has financial troubles and so on, but she also needs to take responsibility for the situation she is in.

 

 

This is key. Jetta, you need to find a way out of this unhealthy situation one way or another. Have you tried finding a job that is not in your field? At this point, I would say that any job will do at least temporarily at this point so that you can find your financial footing. Get the newspaper out and check out the want ads and start applying for things. Don't wait around to see if you got the job you already applied for before you start looking for other things. If you don't have any friends or family members to move in with for the time being, you need to find another way to get out. If your family or friends can't take you in then maybe they can help you find a job? Maybe they can hook you up with a few interviews? It's worth asking.

[Shadows Light]

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

 

Yes Jetta, this is considered abuse. Verbal and Emotional abuse is still abuse. Based on all your previous posts which I've kept up with, your ex-husband sounds controlling and manipulative.

 

Lack of sleep leads can cause you all sorts of difficulties... sleep derpivation. He may be doing this to you to egg you on and to get you to snap. incidentally, sleep deprivation is a form of torture used to motivate someone to your will.

 

Be direct and firm with him. "Do Not Wake me up again!" "Stop that..."

 

And do what you can to move as soon as possible.

[armchairshrink]

Jetta,

 

I don't know if it's abuse or not, and it almost doesn't matter. It is detrimental to your health and well-being, and that's enough reason to put a stop to it. You said that money and an alternate place to stay are problems for you, so I have a rather WACKY suggestion:

 

Become a "mystery shopper".

 

Why? A lot of companies will actually pay you to try their goods or services, including hotels. You could get some sleep and get paid for it.

 

Now for the disclaimers I've never tried this myself, so I don't know what it's really like. Also, there are a lot of scams out there, so be careful what sites/companies you choose. I do know that various legitimate companies do employ mystery shoppers, and there are legitimate "mystery shopping" companies out there, that will send shoppers to those seeking them, much like a temp agency.

 

Follow this link -- link removed

for more info, or just Google "mystery shopper".

 

By the way, I will be completely UNoffended if you think the idea's nuts. I've just been looking into it myself lately, because it sounds interesting -- and nutsy -- to me.

 

Good luck!