Do I break NC with mother? (long)

[Dannysgirl]

I am in a very awkward position with my mother.

 

She is a very domineering person and very good at getting her own way because nobody will ever stand up to her. She was always trying to run my life for me and always telling me that I 'owed her' because I was a very sickly child who had many health problems and she would have to take days off from work to look after me. Isn't that what mothers are supposed to do?

 

She always gave me the feeling that she only had me so that she would be looked after in her old age or something and would be able to hang my constant illness over me head as a child to give her constant attention and prevent me from having my own life.

Everything I did was about her, 'well you can go to university and get a good job and then you can take care of me,' or 'no I don't mind your friend from Italy coming to stay, maybe WE can go and stay there next year' or 'why don't you get in touch with your auntie Isla in America? She might be able to get you a job then I can come and live with you.'

You see EVERYTHING was about her, she never did anything unless she would benefit from it somehow. I remember asking her one year if I could buy my best friend a christmas gift and she said 'why do you want to do that? She won't get YOU anything!'

 

Are you seeing what kind of woman this is? I suppose the thing that grates on me the most is the fact that she blames me for the breakup with my father.

When I was eight years old my father worked away for a while because we were trying to save up to pay for a new house that were about to move into. While he was away she got chummy with the next door neighbour and started an affair but instead of keeping her sordid little secret to herself she brought Malcolm into our lives as some kind of surrogate 'daddy.'

My brother and I didn't know what to think we were very young and confused. We knew she was doing something wrong because our mother kept telling us not to tell our father. The whole thing felt so wrong.

 

One day my father called and I was alone in the house, he asked me how I was and what I had been doing. I told him I had been on a day trip with my mother, brother and 'malcolm' the day before. I remember my dad's voice shaking when asked who malcolm was and I said 'he's mam's friend.'

A few nights later my dad kicked the door in while my mother and malcolm were all snuggled up on the couch. A lot of unpleasantness ensued, I really thought my dad was going to kill them. Needless to say my father divorced her on the grounds of adultery and that was that.

Since then I have always been blamed for the break up of the marriage. everytime there was a row I would here the same thing 'if you'd have kept your mouth everything would have been fine, you had no right interfering in my business it had noting to do with you!'

Well if it had nothing to do with us why didn't she keep her sordid little secret to herself in the first place?

 

Things came to a head in 2003 when she blackmailed me into getting a car on the motability scheme. I have a degenerative hip condition and as such am not allowed to drive a manual car. She no longer had a car when her second husband left her so she told me that we we getting a car on the motability scheme which meant that my monthly disability allowance would be taken away from me, which was my only income while I was at university at the time.

I said 'okay fine we'll get a car but we are getting an automatic so that I can learn to drive it' She went absolutely mad and started hitting me as hard as she could accross the face and pulling my hair. She also asked me if I wanted to 'go through the bedroom window.' She called me a selfish ungrateful cow and said 'after all I've done for you' etc.

 

I really didn't see what the problem was, whats wrong with getting an automatic? She had had them in the past. I couldn't see why she was being so unreasonable about it. Then it dawned on me that the reason she didn't want to get an automatic is because she didn't want me to have any independence and she was scared that I would drive away with it at some point. Anyway she basically blackmailed me into signing for it by telling me that I could go and live with my father in London if I wanted to be a complete b*t*h. I didn't feel I could do that at the time as I was in my last year of university at Bangor in Wales and could not afford to pay for halls of residence.

 

This is where things get really tricky. A few months before all of this happened my mother had put six thousand pounds into an account in my name because she knew that she would soon be going through another divorce and wanted to hide her money from the courts so that she would not have to shell out anything former husband.

She also did the same in my sisters name. After I was blackmailed into getting the car I had absolutely no money and was being treated like absolute hell at home. I added up how much money I was going to lose in the next three years of her having that car and the total came to just over 6,000.

I then had an idea, I would take the six thousand pounds that I felt she owed me, move out and live with my father for a few weeks over christmas and then use the money to pay for my halls of residence.

 

I left two weeks before christmas and left her a four page letter telling her how I felt about everything and that I may or may not get back in touch at some point. She tried phoning and texting but I got a new sim card and didn't return any calls. I felt bad for leaving two weeks before chrsitmas as that is what my stepfather did the year before and she totally went to pieces.

I eventually bumped into her in may of last year and she threatened to take me to the police station saying that I was a thief. Did I really do wrong by taking that money? I feel so guilty about it but at the same time I feel angry for feeling guilty as she thought nothing of blackmailing me. Obviously she was talking rubbish she had no power as she had put the money in my account anyway.

 

We had a long talk and I really thought that we might be able to salvage a relationship of some kind and was over the moon. The next day I took my sister to the cinema and she told me that on the way there in the car all my mother kept saying was 'I bet she won't give me my money back' I was devastated to learn that she seemed only interested in getting her money and thats all she wanted. I haven't spoken to her since.

 

I would like to have contact with my sister but I can't call the house because I know my mother will be listening to every word and giving my sister twenty questions about everything I say. i'm worried that my sister is slowly being poisoned against me and also that she will now be the one who is going to make things better for my mother. I saw a pattern emerging when I last saw my sister as she said 'Mam thinks I should be an au pair in america.'

 

The other thing now is that I live in the states with my husband who is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm worried that if I try to make contact with my mother and try to have some sort of relationship (she is my mother afterall) that she will be trying to move here and muscle in on everything good in my life. She is also very cynical and negative she would always try and sometimes suceed in making me think that boyfriends were being unfaithful to me. My life is perfect now i'm worried that she might try to sully it with her negativity.

 

I dream and think about her a lot and feel a lot of guilt for things that happened. I am very grateful to her for all that she did for me when I was sick, she did look after me well and she always made sure that I had the best care available. She was there holding my hand when I came out of numerous operations and I know that she worried about me a lot. We once did have quite a healthy relationship allthough that was only when I was being a 'good girl' and doing as I was told. I don't know what to do, I don't want to ruin what I have now but another part of me says 'well how would you feel if she died tomorrow?'

 

God I just wish she was normal and rational person then we might have a chance of having some kind of a relationship.

 

What do you think I should do? I'm very torn.

 

Thanks in advance and sorry this is so long,

[DN]

I know she is your mother but she really sounds like a self absorbed and toxic person. I strongly advise you to have nothing to do with her. She is highly unlikely to have changed her ways and would almost certainly try to take advantage of you again.

 

She did nothing for you as a child that any parent is not required to do, morally if not legally, and you owe her nothing. Taking that money was essentially taking back your own money, arguably, it was perhaps ethically dubious, but necessary to get away from an abusive situation - don't worry about that either.

 

You have no reason to feel guilt and every reason to keep this woman out of your life - why possibly jeopardise a happy marriage by introducing someone like that into it.

 

Once your sister has independence then you might invite her to stay with you to re-establish a good relationship.

[daisy215]

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation.

 

I do think that your mother does seem very manipulative and self-serving, you're right! This may seem terrible, but I don't think you should feel guilty about taking the money. She forced you into doing things that you didn't want to do and karma got her in the end. I also agree that it is a parent's job to take care of their children and it's terrible that she holds the fact that you had childhood illnesses over your head!

 

That said, I also see your point "she is still my mother." Call her and talk to her if you think you can be strong enough not to let her push you around and back in to doing things that you don't want to do. Unfortunately she may only want to talk and yell about the money and how you "owe her for taking care of you," which will probably be hurtful. She may not be willing to work on a normal relationship with you yet.

[Dannysgirl]

Thank you DN and Daisy for your replies.

 

I think I probably answered my own question with this post. when I think about getting back in contact with my mother a real sense of uneasiness comes over me because I know she is a very messed up woman with a lot of bitterness and issues of her own. I know that will never change and it probably would not do me any good to try to be friends again.

 

However I really would like to be in contact with my sister again, she is only fourteen (I'm 26 now) and very naiive. I send her christmas and birthday cards and postcards to let her know how I'm doing and so that she knows I still care and am thinking about her.

Thats another part of the guilt I feel, I basically left this young girl to deal with this psychotic woman on her own. when I was there I was the one who bore the brunt of her rages and I acted as a shield for my sister.

I dread to think how she is being treated now. Sometimes I feel selfish because I basically abandoned her but I could not continue to live there I would have had a nervous breakdown or something for sure.

 

Any correspondence I send my sister never has an address on it as I fear my mother will just turn up on my doorstep one day. I have however sent her my dad's address in london saying that any letters would be forwarded to me. I am yet to hear from her but I don't know if its because she doesn't want to or if its because my mother is preventing her in some way.

 

My sister is well aware that my mother is a few sandwhiches short and last time I saw her, I told her not to listen to anything she says and just keep in mind 'I will be able to get away from you soon' the way I did for years and years. However I am unsure if my sister has the same kind of inner stregth to resist the put downs, the negativity and the lies and that she will eventually start believing what she is told. She is a very sensitive child and gets upset easily.

 

My husband and I are going to be taking a trip back to Britain in the autumn and he has suggested that I go to my sister's school and ask to see her and we can talk about everything and I won't have to bother seeing my mother at all.

 

do you think this is a good idea?

[DN]

Does she ever spend any time with your father? If she does, perhaps you could see her then.

 

Don't feel guilty about your sister - you have or had no power to alter things for her. It's not your fault. What you are doing is the best you can do for now, later perhaps, you might be able to do more.

 

Don't feel guilty about your mother either - this was also not your fault, and to endanger your well-being out of misplaced guilt would be a mistake.

 

As the old saying goes - God chooses your relatives - thank God you can choose your friends (and your husband!)

[Dannysgirl]

My sister is actually my half sister. She was born when my mother married her second husband, hence the large difference in our ages. Any contact written verbal or otherwise will not get past my mother on the other hand I am worried about a clandestine meeting as my mother WILL find out about it and will porbably think that some scheme against her is being plotted and then my sister will get into trouble. The thing is, if I wait until my sister has independence how on earth will I be able to get in touch? My mother sure as hell won't give me her new address or phone number!

 

Thanks DN for all your sound advice, this has been whirling around in my head, torturing me for the past year, it feels good to write it all down and get it all out.

 

My father and I have a very close loving relationship. He would always there to provide support when she was acting crazy and said I could come and live with him anytime I wanted. Thank god I eventually got up the courage to leave or I might still be there now!

 

Thanks again

[DN]

If you can afford it, it may be a good idea to have a lawyer in England keep a letter for her for when she comes of age at the age of 18. This would let her know how to ontact you. He could then write a legal letter to her now telling her to contact him when she is 18 as he has something that may be of interest for her. His letetr to her would require a reply, that way your mother could not interfere.

[Dannysgirl]

Hmmm, that might be the way to go. I'm not sure my sister will be independent by the time she's 18 though. Thats why I'm anxious to get into contact with her before then. The thing I most dread is that my mother will grind her down and guilt trip my sister into hanging around that horrible hick black hole of a village and she will never be able to get away.

My husbands idea about going to her school might turn out okay. My sister could always tell my mother that she told me to get lost couldn't she? Then I might be able to get her mobile phone number or something and could contact her that way.

[DN]

Anything that would work. And even if it doesn't your sister will still know that you are trying to contact her and that you love her.

 

Chances are that she will have the same sort of reaction to your mother as you did.

 

It is always a shame when people have parents not worthy of the name. The people you should be able to rely on the most turn out to be the people you most need protection against!

 

Just remember that none of this is your fault.

[bellamcb]

Ugh. This brings up such terrible memories for me. I had NC with my mother for 2 1/2 years and it was only broken when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. 3 years later, she miraculously survived and we have a fairly good relationship.

 

Your case is different though because your mom was far more abusive than mine. You absolutely should not feel guilty about her, or the money but I can see why you'd be so upset about your sister. It is NOT your fault or your responsibility but I'm sure that doesn't make it easier for you knowing she's stuck there. Where is her father? Can't he help? Maybe I missed something.

 

You've already been given great advice about your sister and I hope you guys can reconnect when you go for your visit. The school idea seems to be a good one.

 

I will say this: The minute I heard my mom had cancer I fell apart. Most people die from pancreatic cancer (95% within 5 years- the majority of those within 1 year) and of course we assumed she'd be gone soon. At first it was unclear whether or not I would see her. I sent flowers and heard nothing and my sister's were going to try to block my from seeing her. My father threatened to get involved (they are divored- I also got blamed for that) and told my sisters he would bring me to the house himself if he had to. He felt that I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if we didn't talk one more time. He was right- I would have. My mom came around and we got together and ironically I did most of the care-taking while she was in the hospital and when she recovered at home. However, we have never addressed what happened (which is a long stupid story) so the relationship is and always will be weird. But, it's better than nothing.

 

My point is that yes, if your mom gets sick or dies you're likely going to feel terrible. So you have choices. You can try to make peace with her or you can make peace with yourself and understand, really understand that you did what you had to do. Making peace with her could be something easy like one more letter, saying you're sorry about how things turned out (not taking blame), that you wish you could have a normal healthy relationship and that you feel you did what was fair. She sounds like someone, like my mom, who would never take responsiblity so you have to accept that. But knowing that you said the right things and approached her in a kind way might make the difference in helping you let go of this. If she wanted to respond she could write you via your father.

 

 

Good luck with this. It sucks and you're not alone- there are so many women I know that have had to break off with their mother. Just make sure that in whatever you do with her, you take the high road. Never stoop to her level. You're an independent adult now with a very happy life. If you contact her, remember that because it means everything.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't think you should feel guilty about taking that money either. Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. She was cheating on your father, and she blames YOU for the divorce?? When you were only a child?

 

I really feel sorry for your younger sister, but there isn't too much you can do for her. She'll have to learn about the type of person your mother is the same way you did - the hard way. Trying to contact her in her school doesn't sound like a bad idea. DN has also given you some great advice with potentially using a lawyer.

[bellamcb]

Jeez. What an awful situation. It sounds like you have been more of a mother to Lauren than a sister. I can see why you are so torn up about leaving her. It must be difficult.

 

From what you're saying though, you've done a lot. While you probably feel responsible for her, it isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty. Her dad sounds like an idiot which is too bad. She's lucky to have you and hopefully when you reconnect with her, things will be okay.

 

Good luck with all of it- your mom and sister. You sound like a grounded, independent person and I suspect you can manage whatever comes your way.

 

Take care, and keep us posted on what happens.

[DN]

Yes, the best of luck to you, please keep us informed.

[yeawutever]

Wow u been thorugh alot. Funny part is how mom blames u for the divorce when in fact she was doing the cheating and got caught, u were just a kid. And I do agree that ur half sister's father is a real bastard, he doens't even deserves to even be called father, u showed to be more like a mother than sister to her. I think it would even be better off if you take take of her insteads of your mom, she sounds so manipulative, materialistic, and self-center, she wants her way and when she doesn't get it, she goes nuts. But ok she's still your mom after all, have you ever really sat with her and talk to her privatley about how u feeling and that u wish you had a normal mom-daughter relation talk. She might also have unsolve issues and prollie needs help, seeing a therapist would be a good idea. Also try keeping in touch with her sister, she's only 14, still a kid, not fully developed yet.

[Dannysgirl]

Okay here's an update on the situation.

It was my sisters birthday on Saturday so I decided to call home to wish her a happy birthday and let her know that her present was on the way. I have been sending postcards every now and again in the past year to let her know I'm okay and thinking of her.

I got the number from my stepfather Ian who has now divorced my mother and is re-married. He seems to have really sorted himself out and grown up a lot.

He related a story to me about how Lauren had asked him to meet up on Christmas Eve and she had begged him to let her move in with him. He agreed and said he would pick her up the following week. When he went over he found she had completely changed her story. Clearly my mother had found out something about the meeting and had put a stop to my sister moving out somehow. Since then Lauren has had no contact with her father and I doubt very much that was her own choice. she has either been threatened with something or she has been hearing lots of lies that have convinced her she shouldn't be in contact with him.

 

Anyway I got the number and called the house - this is how it went..

somebody picked up the phone who sounded very much like Lauren so I said 'Hello Lauren?'

'This isn't Lauren its her mum'

'okay this is Nia, i'm just calling to wish lauren a happy birthday for tomorrow'

where did you get this number from Nia?

'It got it from Ian, is Lauren there?'

'No she's out'

when will she be back?

'Around ten'

'okay i'll try back - bye.'

 

I never did call back later because I knew she would have been stewing and would probably have gone off into a tirade next time I called. it was such bad luck that I didn't manage to catch Lauren on the phone because any conversation I would have had later on would have been eavesdropped on and Lauren would have been given specific instructions on what to say.

Having re-wound the converstion in my mind a million times all I can think is having not spoken to her daughter in two years all she can think of to say to me is 'How did you get this number?' it just goes to show how completely irrational and paranoid she is. Even if your last exchange was not the most pleasant I would think that the first thing you would want to ask your daughter having had no contact for 2 years would be would be something like 'how are you?' Had she not asked me where i got the number from I would certainly have asked HER that.

 

I have decided for good from that little exchange that a reconcilliation with her is not ever going to be possible.

in regards to Lauren there is really isn't much I can do for her either because its clear that my mother is really putting the thumb screws on to prevent her leaving her as everyone else has. I feel very sorry for lauren it must be absolute hell living with her all I can really do is let her know I'm there for her and hope she is strong enough to leave when the time comes.

I have thought about writing my mother a letter to suggest that she receives psychiatric help before its too late as I have a real fear that she will go off her head one day and hurt herself or somebody else.

[lovecrazy]

Have you tried speaking to your stepfather, about him persuing gettin custody of her! Because if you were to testify on her behalf, it might work in the court system?

 

I honestly think you should try and get in contact with a lawyer, and try and get her away from your mother. She maybe your mother, but she sounds evil to me!

[Dannysgirl]

My sister called me today! She is back in touch with her father who has really sorted himself out and is now very happily married to another woman.

My mother has apparently shacked up with another guy who wants her to move in wth him. She has given Lauren a choice 'either come with me or I'll put you in care.' Obviously this is a just a threat to get Lauren to do what she wants her to do but Lauren has said she will not move in with her and this new guy, as this man treats her badly and tries to order her around.

Lauren told her that my mother is 'messing with her head' and she can't take it anymore. She has decided to move in with her father as soon as she is sixteen and has done her final exams at school.

I can't tell you how happy I am! Lauren gave me her cell phone number & her email address so we can stay in touch. My mother as predicted had told lauren a lot of lies about me but I was able to explain everything to her and I think she understood.

I told her I loved her and would always be there for her no matter what. I now hope we can start rebuilding our relationship now. What I hope most of all is that she see's it through and is strong enough to get away from my mother.