B/F Blew Off Our Date in Favor of Last-Minute Road Trip!

[Diabra]

I need some help here. I feel like I am totally justified in feeling the way I do today about this...but I am sitting here with the realization that I may have lost my lover over last night's dispute and I want to see how others feel about the situation and if they would react the same way.

I've been dating a guy for the past month or so and because things are relatvely "new" for us...I have made an effort to keep things going along slowly and gradually, even though it looks more and more like he will have to leave the area on Sept 1 this year to go to Iraq to be a defense contractor. We go out on dates every weekend pretty much and this past weekend we spent the night together for the first time, and even though we haven't talked about it much...it seems like a b/f and g/f type situation to me. I think we are both afraid to advance things because of the fact that he might be leaving in two months and be out of the US for a year.

On Wednesday this week, we were chatting over AIM (which we do each and every day, he initiates the chats btw) and he asked me, "are we going to be getting together this weekend?" and I replied "sure I would love to... if you can". He said to that "yeah I am off work so I'll get back to you on it".

Yesterday afternoon we firmed up our weekend plans and agreed we were going to a new release movie that just came out that we both have been dying to see. So the plans were set.

He then told me he had to go offline because he was going to visit a friend of his along with his best friend and room-mate whom I will refer to as "Jack" for the sake of this story. My b/f spends a lot of time with Jack and has known him since high school, and they are pretty much best friends. They also share an apartment along with two other single guys.

My b/f comes back online around 10:30 last night and announces to me, "I am going to have to cancel our plans for the weekend...I am going to New Orleans instead with Jack, he asked me to go and I said yes".

I was floored.

He said that Jack tossed the idea out there that he felt like just taking off on a weekend road trip to New Orleans...and he apparently asked my b/f to come with him, and without even asking me if it was okay to cancel our plans...he apparently just agreed right on the spot and then came online to blow me off like it was the most okay thing in the world to do. Like I should just "take it" and not be angry about it.

Now...this is an important detail...my b/f has a very low-paying job in which he doesn't have any money left over once payday comes and goes, and so when we planned our date...he reminded me he was broke again and I told him it was okay for me to pay his way on this date, and he could do so another time when he has more money.

Now his friend Jack is a "rich kid" in that he was raised in a family with old money and so he has the option of saying "charge it" and doesn't have to worry about money issues like my b/f does. So apparently, even though my b/f is broke...Jack is apparently going to pay the tab for their partying weekend in New Orleans.

I was so pissed off, I told him this was NOT okay to do to someone...it was rude and NEVER "okay" to blow off someone just because better plans came up elsewhere. I then told him that I felt he was going out with me only when he had nothing better to do and I asked him if this was the case. Of course he said no, but acting like this...what else can I think?

I was so agitated by this point and I knew that if I didn't sign off AIM I was going to say something I might regret later...so I just typed in "seeya", sent it...and signed off AIM suddenly. I felt I had to leave or else perhaps make a fool out of myself.

Am I so wrong for being this pissed? I am sexually involved with this guy...we talk each and every day and share all sorts of details about our lives with one another....it's not just a casual fling type of thing. He has even said that.

Now he's leaving for the weekend and I am home to ruminate with my thoughts. I have no idea whether or not he will speak to me again when he gets back from this weekend or if he'll just keep right on walking.

Have I lost my lover? Was I wrong in being so angry about getting blown off in favor of his friend?

Help!

[passions1]

I think it was okay for you to let him know that it was disrespectful to last minute cancel a date on you without asking you ahead of time. So then he doesn't walk all over you! You can ask him how he would feel if you did that to him? Playing devil's advocate since there might be future situations in which a good friend of yours offers a last minute awesome getogether for either a concert or getaway, etc.

 

However, do keep in mind this guy is a close & old friend of his so he may not necessarily see his friend as often. So this is more situation based.

 

All you can do in the meantime is see how he treats you after his trip, whether he initiates any contact to meet up again or not. If he seems to be more distant, then that is a good sign that he may not be taking this relationship as seriously. But make sure that it's not job related. If he is back to normal, then just let it be, there is no need to remind him or nag him. You can ask how is trip was & everything.

[Diabra]

My b/f LIVES WITH Jack...they see each other every single day, so it's not a matter at all of them not seeing each other. They see each other and go places and do things each day. That's part of why I just don't get it.

[kskm]

I think that you blew things out of porportion.

 

Who cares if he decided last minute to go on a trip to have fun with the guys- he can't spend every weekend with you. And he in all actuallity didn't blow you off- he told you that something else came up, and no I don't think that he only made plans with you because there was nothing else to do- or until something better came along. These things happen, and there is no reason to get mad--especially how mad you got. Not to mention you two have only been seeing each other for a month- not a very long time at all.. and definitally not enough time for you to get possessive. (I am not trying to be mean or hurtful in my words, but it's what I think)

 

If I were you I would call him and appologize to him for being immature about the situation. Tell him that you hope you two can go see that movie when he gets back.

[Diabra]

Kskm thank you for your input. No I do not feel that you are being overly critical or harsh, I asked for honest opinions and I appreciate your candor. I will take it under consideration for sure.

[DN]

Actually I have to disagree with kskm (sorry!). I don't think you did overreact at all. In my opinion, once you give your word about something you are bound by it, and this counts in small matters as well as large. The date may have been arranged casually, but that makes no difference - it was still a commitment, and it is rude and disrespectful to blow someone off, especially a girlfriend, because you get a better offer.

 

At the very least he could have said what had happened and asked you if you were ok with it. I don't really even approve of that because it puts all the onus on you to be 'generous' and gets him off the hook for being rude.

 

I think it is up to him to apologise. As to whether you lose him or not, well, at least you will know something about his character if you do.

[Diabra]

DN I must admit I am feeling the same way as you do with the last line you wrote in your response. I had considered the "character" angle already, and truly the way in which he handles this whole thing does and will tell me a lot about his feelings for me and more importantly, his true underlying character. I think that could end up being the most important lesson learned out of this whole fiasco.

Of course it's up to him now to apologize...if he truly is sorry and regrets the way he handled it. Whether he will or not remains to be seen. He has to know what he did was wrong in some way...perhaps not in his desire to tour New Orleans and get drunk but in the fact that he did not consider his prior committment and plans made with me before he agreed to go. Not that I would have stopped him from going...if he came to me and said he would really like to go along.

But the principle of this whole thing is what is bothering me. The very idea that he thinks it's "okay" to do something like this and expect me (or any other woman he's sleeping with) to just accept it and let him basically walk all over her is what concerns me more.

[Luciana]

Nicer of him would have been to invite you to come along. The fact that he wants to go with the boys is because they are going to party, drink, flirt and god knows what else.

 

I think your BF is still in the "sowing his wild oats" phase.

Knowing that, you should take things rather casually with him. This weekend you should try to go out with your friends too and not think about him too much. IN the beginning stages of a relationship people don't feel very committed and are still used to their single ways.

 

I agree with seeing how he treats you when he comes back. Let him pursue you a little. ANd I don't think you have to apologize because he was very rude to cancel the date last minute.

[DN]

I underatnd it makes it more important that he is sleeping with you because emotions are now involved.

 

But even if that were not an issue, casually breaking a date, or an appointment of any sort, is just rude. It is also unkind, and, for me at least, kindness is the greatest human attribute and unkindness one of the worst faults.

[kskm]

I am trying to look at it from different points of view and the only thing that I can see that I would get a little annoyed with is the fact that he didn't invite you... but not that he changed his plans. I think things like that happen, and as long as it doesn't happen all the time, and as long as he tells you prior to the day then I think that it's ok.

[RayKay]

I don't think it was fair of him to cancel your date without talking to you about it first, but I do think perhaps this does signal that you and he may be on different wavelengths about the relationship.

 

It is still very early on (a month) and I think he is not ready to put you as priority yet. Which is fine as it IS early, though he still can show some respect in terms of talking to you about changing plans first. It is not "okay" for him to do so...I don't think it is okay for ANYONE to cancel plans without discussion with the other parties involved, barring of course a natural disaster, health emergency, family crisis or the like.

 

It comes down to basic respect, my partner even in our early dating would not cancel plans with me, sometimes we might have to change some arrangements with time or place due to work or the like, but we always respected one another to dicuss it with each other and come to a mutual compromise. He would never DREAM of cancelling on me like that! He would only do so under some unforeseen circumstances. An example - couple weeks ago he went out for some training with his racing team Fri-Sat and had said he would be back Saturday at about 7 to spend evening with me. Unfortunately, they had some issues and got a bit lost and he was three hours late, but called me on way home twice to apologize, and he was absolutely crushed he had let me down...I was not hard on him or anything as I knew it was not something that could be helped, but he was sad nonetheless, because he felt that he had disappointed me, and respected me to not want to do that to me. If his friend asks to go away camping for weekend, or out for drinks or something, he will invite me, or ask if I am interested in going as well, if I am not and we had plans to spend time together regardless, he will let his friend know they will have to go another time, or if I am, well it works out for us all

 

I think it was fair of you to feel disrespected, and unfair of him to cancel a date that was arranged between the two of you without discussing possibly changing your plans beforehand. It may be a sign of how he will treat you in the future, or of his priorities. It may not be how he is always as it is still early on and there is not "gf-bf" title yet so he may see things differently, but I do think it at least hints at his true colours or how he feels about you.

[Diabra]

RayKay...thanks for your input. I feel exactly as you do about this and for me also...it comes down to a respect issue. I would expect to be consulted about a possible change of plans before the other party just goes ahead and accepts another offer. That was rude and disrespectful and I must admit I am very disappointed in my b/f for handling this the way he did.

Sad to say...but if he doesn't bother to come back and at least admit he's wrong about it and apologize I don't think I would be able to get past this because I would be expecting this sort of non-caring behaviour from him in the future...and I would always be on guard about it and wonder when it was going to happen again.

If he thinks this little of me...we are in more trouble than I originally feared.

[hockeyboy]

I dont really think this should be a big deal at all. Its never good when people end up doing something because they are obligated to rather then want to. This in no way meant he didnt want to be with you but rather that he had a unique oppurtunity to do something different and wanted to take advantage. He if stayed instead, he probably would have had some resentment. I think you took it a bit to personally and should probably ease up on the clingyness as that will only drive him away.

 

i was in a long term relationship with a girl for years...we both missed out on a lot because of eachother....over time the resentment built up and it all exploded at once. I missed out on so many trips and events with friends because i was obligated to be with my girl and the same went for her.

 

Basically Im just trying to say...chill out

[Diabra]

Hockeyboy: Thank you for your input...but I do have to say that I do not consider decent manners and respect to be "clingyness". Clingyness would be him telling me he had a chance to do this and me saying "NO!!!!! Don't go"! I never said that to him. What is bothering me here is his lack of consideration and respect of me in just agreeing to this without even having the decency to come to me first and let me know that he would really enjoy this opportunity and would I mind if he were to delay our plans for another weekend.

But that's not how it was presented.

He agreed to do it without even talking to me first or letting me know that something came up that he would like to be a part of.

That is not clingy, it's decency.

[bellamcb]

A couple of thoughts: the guy is leaving for Iraq in 3 months. Maybe he's behaving differently than he otherwise would. He might be trying to get in all the experiences he can before he goes and as a result, a last minute road trip to New Orleans would fit into that scheme.

 

A second thought that occurred to me when I read your post is are you sure he's on the same page as you are with regards to the relationship? You start by saying you've been "dating" this guy for about a month. Some men (and women) might not consider that bf/gf time yet. Since you've slept together, sure, it's a natural assumption. As it should be. But have you had a talk about being serious and exclusive etc? I'm not saying that would excuse him. I'm just wondering if maybe he didn't think it was a big deal because the relationship isn't that serious yet.

 

Either way, yes it was rude but I don't think it was that huge of a deal and perhaps yes, you did over react.

[Mun]

so when we planned our date...he reminded me he was broke again and I told him it was okay for me to pay his way on this date, and he could do so another time when he has more money.

 

I read this along with the rest of your story and wondered if he did this sort of thing often. Letting you pay for the dates. I think it's great for you to reciprocate and treat him but in the first month he should be more willing to treat you. That's how he shows you his interest. If he doesn't have the money then he shouldn't be inviting you out. Now his friend is taking him on a trip and paying his way too...could it be he likes this sort of thing?

 

The reason I bring this up is because he was very quick to dismiss your plans. If he is not trying too hard to provide for you in the beginning stages of this relationship, then most likely he won't be very attentive later either. What he did about your date is a sign of things to come. That's my opinion.

[DN]

I agree with muneca. There is no reason why you can't be sharing expenses but he is showing signs of being a bit cheap as well as less than caring about your time.

[Day_Walker]

Given the nature of what you two have as far as a relationship goes I wouldnt say that its still casual. If it was more in the bf/gf stage then a date would be assumed and you wouldnt have to ask. It just seems strange in the beginning of your post you talk about him like you are casually seeing him then you call him your bf, I think that right there shows how you think about the situation. In your mind he is your bf and you are acting like he is. I believe thats an incorrect assessment at this point. Was it inconsiderate of him to break your date like that, yes and I can see you being upset over that, but as far as everything else you mentioned it seemed that you went too far. It would have been best if he asked you instead of just breaking the plans. Its a judgement call because its not like he blew you off meaning that you didnt hear anything from you and he actually told you that he was going to cancel the plans that he initially made with you.

 

So in closing I think its perfectly fine for you to be upset but you arent in a bf/gf relationship with him and it hasnt even been discussed and you are acting like you are together. Yes something better came up and he chose that over a weekend at home. He made his choice and if you dont like it then show your displeasure by not seeing him again.

[Diabra]

Daywalker: I think you have a valid point there by way of us not having clearly defined the nature of our relationship. Perhaps we should have done that already. I have not pushed it much because I assumed that things would pretty much stay the way they were between us until he found out FOR SURE if he was going to Iraq for a year or not. If for some reason the job fell through and he DIDN'T leave town...that would need to be reviewed.

It makes no sense to define things about "the future" when it's not clear right now that we will have any such future. So I have not been pushing the "us" talk with him for this reason. But you are right in saying that this might be a result of us having different ideas about what we actually are...whether it's FWB, b/f and g/f, casual dating, etc. I did try to broach this subject at another time with him and he gave me ambivalent answers that didn't clarify anything. He's very closed down emotionally and does not readily open up and talk about his feelings. That has been problematic for us from the start, but truly, in the past week or two I have seen that improve by leaps and bounds, so it actually seemed we were making some progress. Now...*sigh* it's not clear if he will come back from his trip and talk to me or just let things go and not bother anymore.

[nightshade19]

wow.. Diabra.. i don't know.. part of me wants to say.. hey Yeah.. i'm going to Iraq in a few months... and we all know that poses dangers (let's be honest here) and he might be thinking to himself that he wants to have as much fun as possible before he goes off there and puts his life in danger.

Part of me wonder too.. why he couldn't ask you along also? Do you have enuf money for that sort of thing?

And i agree i would definitely feel slighted too if i were you.

I have a similar experience with a guy i had dated for only a short time and I wish i had read into those signs more.

Muneca knows the guy i'm speaking of (sigh) so i've been there.. the guy who make plans with me and then all of a sudden not follow thru on them.

He (i'll call him my bf for this post) and I had only known each other a few weeks and he was very attentive.. calling every day.. saying we would do all these things together...

Well. there was this big concert coming up in another state.. one of these 3 day affairs and he asked me to go with him... He told me the price and it was like $135... I was like Wow.... but after he told me all these bands that were going to be there.. dave matthews for one (I later found out Bob Dylan was there too, (sigh) I told him i wanted to go also. However.. he told me the concert was happening about a month later than it actually was.. so i took a job assignment out of state to make the money.. It was after all.. early in our relationship and he didn't mention paying my way.. and really i didn't expect him to do so...

Okay.. so i'm planning on going to this big concert with him.. a 3 day affair.. out of state. i'm all excited and so pysched...

I get this call from him while i'm also out of state working.. that he's going to leave for the concert in about an hour.It just a spur of the moment decision on his part. If i want to come with him.. i need to leave now!!!

I was like.. WTF!!! for one. i could of never even probably found his house in an hour, even though he told me where he lived. i'd never been there.. He never said anything about picking me up either...

I was SO HURT & DISAPPOINTED.. When he called back later. like you.. i didn't want to say something i would regret later.. Much to my dismay now. i said nothing...Cuz, like YOU i was scared of making an idiot of myself and knew i would start screaming at him if i even got started on how angry i was at him. I should of laid into him how disrespectful and rude he was to just go ahead and break our plans... I have looked forward to that concert for weeks.. Now i couldn't even go. .cuz honestly i didn't even know where it was.. he had told me the wrong date... and i wouldn't have been able to drive up from where i was working anyway (not that i could of ran out of work anyway, he knew i worked weekends) cuz of his late minute change of plans..

He was always like that too.. everything was always a last minute thing for him.

Anyway. that's him and he isn't your dude.. but i'd watch out.. I wouldn't kiss his backside when he got back.. I'd let him apologize to you for breaking the date..

Sure. in grand scheme of things it is probably no big deal.. but how he acts after he gets back shows alot of what his character is all about.

good luck with your dude

BTW.. if you are having sex with this guy.. please sure to have safe sex when he returns.