Ex still interfering almost 2 months after break up.

[OhioHeartBroken]

Ok here is my situation....My ex and I have been broken up for almost 2 months. She ended it one month before I was to propose. We dated for 8 1/2 years. I still have a very close relationship with her family. Especially her sister and brother-in-law. My ex and I were friends before we dated so I have known her family for about 10 years. We used to see each other 1 or 2 times a week. My ex's niece and nephew even refer to me as their uncle.

 

The break up has been hard on my relationship with her sister and brother-in-law because I am constantly being prevented from seeing them because my ex is always at their house. Now I know she is family and I am not. I constantly have to call them and ask when she will be there and when she won't. It is a little frustrating that they will not tell her to back off or that she can't come over because I am. I am only asking for one day a week. she is usually there the other 6 days. Being that she is family of course she is welcome there any time but here is my problem......

 

This is just one example. Last thursday her brother-in-law calls me up and invites me out to dinner. It was supposed to be just me, him and one of his co-workers. I think he was feeling a little guilty because I also now have to miss all of the b-day parties and such because my ex will be there. That day was his son's 5th birthday party and the following day was his wife's b-day party. Well when he informed his wife that we were going out to dinner she said she wanted to come along. I was excited because I had not seen them or their kids in about a week. Well then my ex's parents wanted to come along as well. Even better I thought, I have not seen them either. Well then my ex catches wind of it and says she wants to go. When she was informed that I was already invited and that I would be there she said it was ok and still wanted to go. I of course opted not to go because I have no urge what so ever to see her. All that would accomplish is bringing back all that pain and making me angry.

 

I guess i should also say that my ex has been acting like it was no big thing that she broke up with me. She acts like it doesn't affect her in anyway and she has just been acting so (insert very bad word here) selfish. Has been repeating this behavior with our mutual friends as well.

 

So I guess I just need some input. Has anyone been in a similar situation?Am I being selfish or unrealistic in thinking that once she found out I was already invited that she should have backed off knowing that I don't want to see her?? Was she the one being selfish?? Is this what I am to expect every time I try to do something with them? Should they have told her to back off since I was already invited? For a brief second I also thought maybe she still wanted to go when she found out that I was going was because she wanted to see me or at least see how I would react to seeing her. This is all new territory for me and I'm not sure what to make of it. Now it feels like all I have accomplished is letting the ex know that when ever she doesn't want me somewhere all she has to do is go along or say she wants to go. I don't want to back off again but I really do not want to see her either. I do not want to reinforce this "no big deal, I could care less" behavior.

 

Any input at all would be much appreciated!

[punchy504]

I know your situation is hard and you have relationships built up with her family but you are going to have to distance yourself from them in order to really move on.

[chai714]

Because it is her family and not yours, you should be the one to back out of any events should you not wish to see her. Regardless of whether or not you think she's being selfish, the bottom line is that her family is her blood and not yours. I can see how you can be frustrated, and it may not seem fair. One thing about breakups is that almost nothing seems fair, and it's not. Breakups are not about fairness though. If you wish to spend time with her family, arrange a separate time (outside of family events such as birthdays, holidays) to see them. This way, your ex would not be able to invite herself.

[DN]

I agree with the others. It is not fair to ask her family to choose between you. It is a hard fact of life that after a split you very often lose not just your partner but their family and friends as well.

[seroyla]

I agree with DN..

 

After I ended my relationship with my last bf I lost all my friends (I'd adopted all his close friends as my own when we were together and these were the only friends I hung out with because my ex refused to hang out with my old friends because they were police officers- he never even met them and he said he hated them and called them insulting names).

 

I also sacrificed the close relationship I had with his mother and father and losing these relationships was something I seriously considered when I first started thinking about breaking up with him. But in the end I chose to be happy regardless of if I wound up losing their friendship as well.

 

I see it as a new start and I'm happier overall than I have been in the last 3 years when I was with my ex... I believe that my newfound happiness and optimism for life will attract to new friends at some point in the future. Until then, I will just continue to grow as an individual and learn more about who I am as a single person- I lost a lot of myself in my last relationship and I'm enjoying rediscovering my strengths and talents, and learning to be emotionally independent again.

[BellaDonna]

This must be a difficult situation. Even though you were not married, you were together so long that this is similar to a divorce.

 

As difficult as it might be, I would suggest ending contact with your ex's family. It will only make it harder for you to move on otherwise. No Contact with your ex won't be effective unless you cut off any connections to her as well (which includes her family).

[lakergal]

I can relate...

 

My ex has 4 children 19 down to 14. The one son was born the day my first son passed away of SIDS... needless to say, I'm sure you can imagine the bond I have with that one. He'd always give me a big hug and say, "you're the best friend, J..."

 

But the bond is there with all 4 kids - especially the eldest. I was like a big sister to her, she vented her frustrations with her father, told me the innermost secrets she'd had, and learned to trust me...

 

When her father dumped me on my proverbial a@! a few months ago and then on my knees a month after that (they are finally almost healed up - hopefully the one won't scar), I sent her an email.

 

We had kept in touch throughout the getting back together days where she was hopeful, her mother (his ex wife) was hopeful, and I, of course, was hopeful as well.

 

When he trashed me physically a month ago, I sent her two emails. One yelling about her father and what he'd done and then realizing what a crappy thing that was to do to her (I fear it brought out more pain for her than I'd expected, it opened up old wounds from my ex that he'd inflicted on her when she was 15).

 

The other was to 1) apologize for that email and 2) to say goodbye.

 

I love those kids. I will miss them forever. I will miss watching the one who was born the day my son died graduate from high school. I will miss the eldest going onto college and being a success. I will miss playing games with all of them. I will miss what a happy life we all had when we were all around each other. I miss planning my new home with them in it for vacations. I miss my living son laughing and joking with them (he's the same age as the youngest).

 

But, in missing them, I miss my ex. A lot. In fact, I have tears in my eyes right now even thinking about this.

 

BUT the kids are his kids. In keeping attachments to HIS FAMILY, I'm not healing... and possibly, I'm stopping his kids from healing from their father as well.

 

It is her family. As hard as it is, the attachment must end.

 

In my case, it's almost more painful to let the kids go than it is him for the kids never harmed me in any manner.

[Hope75]

Am I being selfish or unrealistic in thinking that once she found out I was already invited that she should have backed off knowing that I don't want to see her?? Was she the one being selfish?? Is this what I am to expect every time I try to do something with them? Should they have told her to back off since I was already invited?

 

Yes you are being selfish and unrealistic, no she is not being selfish, yes you should expect this, not they should not have told her to back off.

 

The sad fact is when you have a breakup, you often lose family and mutual friends, as someone else posted above. I know you have known them for a good long time, but this is her family and she takes priority over you.

 

When my bf and I had a temporary split last winter both I and his family were devestated, we all love each other so much. Fortunately, my guy and I were able to work it out, but in the interum, although I love his family like my own, I would never ask nor expect them to choose me over him, even though they thought he was foolish for breaking up with me and rooting for us to work it out.

 

You should back off and lean on your family and friends during this time. Maybe when some time has passed and feelings aren't so raw you can call over and see her sister and brother in law from time to time, but once a week is way too much to expect, especially given that she spends alot of time over there.