OhioHeartBroken

I can not figure out why 5 months after being dumped I still love and miss a girl so much who treated me so badly and made me be a person I did not like at all. With out going into too much detail I dated my high school sweet heart for 8.5 years and we had planned to get married (we shopped for rings together, she picked out a ring and I bought it for her). I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Then things went bad, and fast. Our relationship was very rocky in college. I made some stupid decisions and broke up with her a couple of times but she did the same with me. We always ended up back together. We always seemed to realize what we lost after we were apart for a short while. When she ended our relationship the last time she began spouting out all the things I had done wrong in the past 8.5 years saying that we never had ANY good times, she was just putting on a happy face for so many years and that everything was my fault. She blames her parents for her choice of degree when she first started college, she blames me for relationship woes so she basically does not take responsibility for any of her decisions. Anyways, Now that I have been away from her for 5 months I have realized that when I was with her I had no self confidence because she gave no support for any of my decisions in life. I was afraid to take new jobs because I was afraid to disappoint her again cause deep down I knew she would not forget each disappointment. I always felt like I was trying to make up for past events and she felt that I had to for the rest of my life. I could not open up to her after a while because she could hear me but she truly never listened but she had me believing that the only reason we could not communicate was because of me. If what I was feeling or saying went against how she thought things should be then it was a communication failure. I feel so used because I would cook for her, buy her things that she wanted and could not afford on her own because she was in school, giving her back scratches/massages,etc. All the things people do for each other when you love each other. But alas it was not good enough. She expected those things and did not appreciate them. She told me she did not want to settle down, she did not have feeling for someone else. well now she is moving in with someone she met years ago through an online game and moving away from her family and friend to live with this guy. (her father is also in 3rd stage alzheimers yet she seems not to care that she is leaving her sister and mother stranded with no help in taking care of him) Suffice it to say that after 5 months I still miss her. I often think about the times I thought were great for the both of us. I think about her a lot but I am much better then I was even a couple of months ago. I do have some bad days but they are usually around major events like bdays that we would have normally been together. Now I have a promising job with much better pay. I have met a girl that is wonderfull. We have a lot of fun together and even if we do have a problem we can talk it out because we make an effort to see the issues from both perspectives. What a great feeling it is to be able to do that! I have a lot more confidence because she gives me a lot of support and kind words and I try to do the same for her as much as I can but I have never been an overly complimentary person. She appreciates the back scratches, the kind words when I provide them, she also does not have a lot of money so makes it a point to tell me she appreciats me paying for things so that we can go out and have fun together. I find myself thinking about her a lot too when she is not around. So someone please give me some insight if you can as to why I miss something that I had when what I have now is that much better!? Anyways I just needed to vent and get that out of my system but any input would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

It has been a while since I have posted here. The past couple of months have been going pretty well for me inspite of my ex of 8.5 years ending our relationship almost 4 months ago. So much has happened in these past 4 months that I almost could not process it all. I have a new job with a future, I got the tattoo I always wanted, I have my own place, and I have a new girlfriend but I use that term loosely. We have been seeing each other for about 9 weeks. She asked me out only 3 weeks after my ex and I split. I had no intention of trying to find dates, etc at that point but it felt so good to have someone show interest in me. I said what the heck and accepted. We had a blast, we talked all night long on our first date and things progressed pretty quickly after that. Too quickly actually. She wants to meet my family after only 9 weeks of being together and that is way too soon for me. I explained the whole situation with the ex and how recently we split after the first date since it went so well. She was leary but she decided she still wanted to see where things could lead. Since the beginning she has wanted things to progress much faster than me. I feel like I don't know her that well because we only get to see each other a couple of times a week because our work schedules differ so much. Our work schedules also prevent us from talking on the phone at all really. she gets so upset when I say i am not "ready" to do certain things. Like introduce her to the family, staying at each others places, etc. She says thing like you know you can't call me your girlfriend if we can't do this or that. She also says that most girls would be insulted by the fact I don;t want to introduce her to my family. My family is just getting used to me being single and not having my ex around. My dad actually said that they loved her like a daughter. It is way too soon to be bringing a new girlfriend around. It is not even so much about how my family would feel but how my new gf would feel when my family is not so anxious to accept the sitaution. I think she would be in for a disappointment. She says that it should not matter how my family feels but how we feel. Well I can agree with that but how I feel doesn't seem to matter either. I guess I should add that she has met most of my friends, albeit there are few of them now since me and the ex split. So it is ot like she is my dirty litle secret or something which is what she equates the whole situation to. No matter how much we talk about it, no matter how much I try to reassure her we always end up back at square one. I guess I just wanted to vent. but I am also looking for a little input. I know it is hard to give input on such a small amount of info but am I being unfair? Am I being too stubborn? I don;t think that either of us is really right or wrong I just think that neither of us are willing to budge on it. Well I have to get reasy for work. Thanks for reading this and a thank you in advance for those who respond!

Hey Misslonelyheart, I have to agree with Tman. Take this time to improve yourself. Get out there and do things that you have always wanted to do. Seek out family and friends who will be supportive. It helps A LOT! Also don't count anyone out because that love and support you are looking for can come from unexpected places. Believe it or not some of the people that are giving me the most support right now are my ex's family (although I think it is an exception in my case). There is always someone out there who cares for you even if you can't see it. I felt the same as you just a few short weeks ago. In these situations you truly learn who your true friends are and who is not. I had to let go of some friends who both me and my ex knew from high school but they chose her over me. I too felt worthless and unloved but I started rekindling old frienships with people I had not seen in a while. I got a new job, I got the tattoo I always wanted to get and I have always wanted a motorcycle so that is next on my list. I feel so much better about myself and where I am now independently. Just hang in there and remember that we are all here if you need to vent or need support!

I forgot to say I think you should go to the wedding. Just don't make it about wanting to see your ex. Just like you said, you care a lot of about the people getting married so go there to celebrate their union. I choose to opt out of engagements because they are usually small more intimate matters where I would be forced to interact with my ex. If you choose to stay with your new gal then I say try to avoid any one on one meetings with your ex until you have had time to get over her. I hope this helps!

Hey Doc, I would have to agree with iamonlyhuman in that you need to either cool it down with your new girlfriend or choose to not pursue anything with your ex. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. I had been broken up with my ex for about 3 weeks when I got my first date. Well the night that I was to meet my now girlfriend I had to attend a wedding in which both me and my ex were in the wedding party and all I could think about was my ex. She would try and make small talk with me. So of course I was so excited to talk to her that I almost forgot I was going to go on a date with another girl that night. Once I was on the date and realized how lucky I was to be on a date with such a wonderful gal i forgot all about my ex. This type of situation can really take you for a rollercoaster ride with a lot of ups and unnecessary downs. I have opted to bow out of any engagements where I know my ex will be because I know in the long run it will make it much harder for me to heal if I see her. I have even had to refuse invitations to dinner where I was invited first but my ex decides she wants to attend as well even though she knows I will be there. By seeing her it clouds my judgement when it comes to my new relationships. If I let someone invest themself in me when I am not committed then what I am doing is no better than what my ex did to me. No one else should have to feel pain because I am hung up on my ex. NC really is the way to go no matter how hard it is. NC doesn;t have to be for ever but it is important to give yourself enough space to heal so that some other person can come to enjoy all the great things about you that someone else took for granted or do I dare say threw away!?

The break up was all her idea. We were to be engaged right around now. She had picked out a ring and I bought it for her. We talked A LOT about getting married and what we wanted in the future so she knew how I felt! I was happy, I was not pressured into looking at rings, I was not pressured into buying it either. The ring was probably a little more than I could aford but she was the love of my life and I told myself sometimes it is just money especially when it coms to someone you love with all your heart. In a matter of a few months she went from wanting to get married, having kids and building a house to not wanting to settle down in suburbia because that is boring and not wanting any kids anytime in the near future. She treated me horribly for 3 months but when I would ask he what was wrong I got a different answer every time. Everything from "I think I may be depressed" to "I don't know what is wrong with me". She also is moving out of the state come fall when she graduates from school. She has been telling people that I was settling for her, I was pressured by the salesman to buy her ring. etc... She drudged up problems from our past that she says she never got over. I will be the first to admit that we had our problems in the past that I was pretty sure we had gotten through. We have broken up before but we always ended up back together. Most of our problems came from growing pains, or lack there of... What it comes down to is she is cutting of all the people in her life that would require any kind of emotional support from her. By moving away she does not have to deal with planning a wedding, dealing with her father who has late 2nd stage alzheimers, work through our problems, etc... She has just said a lot of things about me that are very hurtful. I think she is trying to make herself hate me so it makes it easier for her to justify what she is doing and the decisions she has been making. Maybe she is trying to make me hate her. I really don't know.

I think I have pretty much figured this out for myself but I think what I am looking for is a little reassurance or other peoples insight on what I am thinking. I also just need to vent!! I should start by giving a little background information so this may be a little bit long. Thank you to those who read all of it! My ex and I were best friends for 2 years before we started to date. When we became friends our two groups of friends pretty much merged into one. We all went to a very small high school so we all knew each other pretty wel lanyways even before we started hanging out together. To the point that we were all hanging out together on a regular basis and we were all very close with each other. Now jump ahead 8 1/2 years. Me and my ex are no more. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago and ever since then my relationship with our mutual friends has gone majorly downhill. To the point that I have barely spoken to them at all. I feel like I am making all the effort in trying to keep contact but it seems like I am fighting an uphill battle. When I write them emails I either do not get any response or the response I get is only a few sentences long. I ask them how they are doing and they tell me but they make no effort to ask how I am. If I call them they either don't answer or they just never seem interested in the conversation. For instance, I emailed two of my guy friends last wed. asking them if they wanted to get together a couple days later on friday. They cannot get calls at work so we usually opt for email to communicate during the day. They said that would be cool so I offered up some ideas as to what we could do and told them to call me in the evening because I was going to be away from my email. Wed evening goes by, no call. Thursday comes and goes, no call. Friday rolls around and still no call by 2pm so I decided to make other plans. I almost picked up the phone to call them but then I said to myself do I really want or need people like this at this point in my life. I have not talked to them since this. Before the break up they would call or write all the time. I don't know if they feel like they have to pick one of us over the other or what. I even entertained the thought that my ex might be bad mouthing me in order to get me completely out of the picture. Some of the things she has said to other people have made their way back to me. I know that my ex has been hanging out with them on a regular basis, at least once or twice a week. I have not seen them for 3 weeks. Every time I try to set something up it falls through for some reason or another. Is it wrong for me to want to cut them out of my life?? I have to ask myself whether I feel they are worth the effort or not. I mean we have a lot of history together and I think that is why I am having such a hard time with this. I think I am tryng too hard to hang on to some semblence of my former life. If they truly saw me as a friend they would be calling me asking how I am doing, asking me to do things with them. I don't even know that I want to try and talk to them about everything first before I cut them out. I honestly do not think it would fix anything. The way I see it is since they seem to show no real interest in me anymore I can use the time I would have spent with them rekindling old friendships with friends I just recently got back in contact with. If anyone has any comments or insights I would love to hear them. This is all new territory to me so any response would be appreciated.

You are right in the sense that is a complicated situation. It seems like both of you are very into each other but have you two ever really talked about it or has it just been flirting and little hints here and there? From the information you gave it seems that either she thinks of you as a really good friend or she may have romantic feelings for you. I would tell her exactly how you feel about her if you want more than friendship. She may be waiting for you to make the first step. She may or may not be receptive to starting a relationship with you but at least you will know once you tell her how you feel. The bottom line is you should tell her how you feel about her but be prepared in case she says she does not feel the same way because that is always a possibility. You will never know how she feels about you until you talk about it. If it turns out that she does not want a relationship then you will have your answer and you can find someone who does want a relationshi with you. Communication is key.....

Hi free, I think we may need more information on this one but personally I think if I had gone 3 dates with someone and she did not want to kiss me than I think I may feel like she is not as interested in me as I am in her but I wouldn't go so far as to say it would hurt my ego. I am the type of guy that won't really go in for a kiss unless i feel a connection with someone anyways. In terms of what happened to you in the past. Does he know any specifics or does he just know that something in your past makes you not comfortable with kissing? I guess it depends on how much he knows. If he knows you want to take it slow and he is into you then hopeully it will not bug him too much. One recommendation I could make is that if you are afraid that not kissing him may give the wrong impression or may hurt his ego then compliment him in some other way to pump his ego back up a little bit. Let him know in other ways that you are into him. Compliment how he looks that night, or something about his smile, etc... That can go a long way. You can even show some physical affection with out kissing. Leaning against him, etc... I hope this helps

Hi Emily, I guess there is no easy way to answer this and ultimately it is your decision to make and should not be made lightly. I am only offering insight from my personal experiences and I hope it helps. You will have to do some deep thinking on what is more important to you. Spending the rest of your life with a wonderful person but not having children or breaking it off now so that some day you can possibly meet another just as wonderful person who does want children. I think most people would agree that if you do not think this relationship will take you where you want to go then it is best to end it now before you both invest so much in each other. For both of your sakes; as painful as it may be it would only be worse further down the road. My ex and I always spoke of having kids, getting married, basically having that "dream family". Well now she not only does not want to have kids anytime soon if at all, she did not even want to get married because "settling in suburbia" sounds so boring. I know it's not quite the same but it is painful when you think your partner is ok with an issue or wants a certain thing and than breaks up with you later on down the road because of it. I was devistated, I was a month away from proposing to my high school sweetheart of 8 1/2 years. I am speaking from my own pain and experiences. Rather than telling me directly how she felt I had to find out through friends that my ex just didn't want to settle down but when she broke it off with me she just drudged up old problems and blamed everything on me. Another thing you may want to consider is that your friendship with him may be salvageable because you have not been dating for very long so even if you do decide to break it off maybe he could still be in your life in the same capacity he was before you two got involved together. I hope this helps and like I said it will require some thought and just remember that just because you break up it doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship. Sit him down and talk to him, explain how you feel and just do your best to help him understand the decision you made and why. Communication is key especially if you want to save your friendship.

Ok here is my situation....My ex and I have been broken up for almost 2 months. She ended it one month before I was to propose. We dated for 8 1/2 years. I still have a very close relationship with her family. Especially her sister and brother-in-law. My ex and I were friends before we dated so I have known her family for about 10 years. We used to see each other 1 or 2 times a week. My ex's niece and nephew even refer to me as their uncle. The break up has been hard on my relationship with her sister and brother-in-law because I am constantly being prevented from seeing them because my ex is always at their house. Now I know she is family and I am not. I constantly have to call them and ask when she will be there and when she won't. It is a little frustrating that they will not tell her to back off or that she can't come over because I am. I am only asking for one day a week. she is usually there the other 6 days. Being that she is family of course she is welcome there any time but here is my problem...... This is just one example. Last thursday her brother-in-law calls me up and invites me out to dinner. It was supposed to be just me, him and one of his co-workers. I think he was feeling a little guilty because I also now have to miss all of the b-day parties and such because my ex will be there. That day was his son's 5th birthday party and the following day was his wife's b-day party. Well when he informed his wife that we were going out to dinner she said she wanted to come along. I was excited because I had not seen them or their kids in about a week. Well then my ex's parents wanted to come along as well. Even better I thought, I have not seen them either. Well then my ex catches wind of it and says she wants to go. When she was informed that I was already invited and that I would be there she said it was ok and still wanted to go. I of course opted not to go because I have no urge what so ever to see her. All that would accomplish is bringing back all that pain and making me angry. I guess i should also say that my ex has been acting like it was no big thing that she broke up with me. She acts like it doesn't affect her in anyway and she has just been acting so (insert very bad word here) selfish. Has been repeating this behavior with our mutual friends as well. So I guess I just need some input. Has anyone been in a similar situation?Am I being selfish or unrealistic in thinking that once she found out I was already invited that she should have backed off knowing that I don't want to see her?? Was she the one being selfish?? Is this what I am to expect every time I try to do something with them? Should they have told her to back off since I was already invited? For a brief second I also thought maybe she still wanted to go when she found out that I was going was because she wanted to see me or at least see how I would react to seeing her. This is all new territory for me and I'm not sure what to make of it. Now it feels like all I have accomplished is letting the ex know that when ever she doesn't want me somewhere all she has to do is go along or say she wants to go. I don't want to back off again but I really do not want to see her either. I do not want to reinforce this "no big deal, I could care less" behavior. Any input at all would be much appreciated!

Hey Doc, I would like to share my exp with you and maybe it will help you because I am in a similar position. My ex and I were together for 8 1/2 years. We even lived together for a period of about 2 years until I temporarily moved back in with my parents to pay off her engagement ring. I was about a month away from proposing. I think there may be an age gap here as I am only 25 but hopefully this will apply to you as well. I have been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks. She was my first date since my ex dumped me about 7 weeks ago. I find myself comparing her to my ex. I try to keep the comparisons to areas that affect a relationship not nit picking everything about both of them. (i hope that makes sense) I think it is only natural to do so. If you think about it we do that with a lot of things in our lives. If you are looking for a new job, you compare your old job to the new. If you are buying a new car you compare what you had to the new prospects. Although I think that this can be good or bad. She is very different than my ex in a lot of ways and I am very much out of my comfort zone but I think that is a good thing. How else am I to know what I want if I haven't gotten out there and experienced things. One of the major reasons I am so uncomfortable is that I have not dated in 8 1/2 years, I don;t really know what to expect or what to do. I just try to be myself and it seems to be going great so far. There are reasons I think doing the whole comparison thing can be a double edged sword. For instance, If you hold your ex in such a high regard that anyone you compare to her will never be good enough than it is very bad. All that will accomplish is keeping yourself hung up on your ex and keep you from having a fruitful, satisfying relationship with someone else. On the other hand if you look back on the relationship with your ex and use that to determine what you are looking for in a relationship. i.e. what qualities you are looking for in a companion, what you feel makes a healthy relationship. I think using that information and using it to determine how this new person fits into all of that is only natural and healthy. I would also have to say that if you are not sure what you are looking for then try not to make comparisons. Just go with it and see where it takes you. If it doesn't work out then you will just have more informaion on what you are looking for in a relationship. I hope you found this at least a little useful and sorry if I jumped around at all. If you ever need to talk or need more insight I would be more than happy to help out. That's what we are all here for. Good luck!

I guess I should start of by giving a little background for those who did not read my previous posts. It has been 7 weeks since my ex broke it of with me. I know to a lot of people that may not seem long at all. Especially since our relationship was on and off for 8 1/2 years. For me 7 weeks has been an eternity because I have had 5 weeks to think about things with out getting emotional. I have also used that time to talk to other people in my life about everything that has happened and they have helped me to realize some things as well. I have come to a lot of realizations about our relationship. One of the major reasons she gave for breaking it off was that she felt she could never communicate with me and it was my fault. Whiles I was in the relationship and for the 2 weeks following the breakup she had me completely convinced that she was right, that everything that went south in our relationship was my fault. When I look back she was right in that i could not be completely open with her but I disagree that it was all my fault because when I look back I realize that I tried. I tried very hard. I also realized that if I was open but did not say exactly what she wanted to hear than I was better off not saying anything at all. She would rip into me pretty good. By not being able to open up to her and to talk to her about things I was not happy about I would make stupid decisions, pretty much out of desperation I just couldn;t see it at the time. Vicious little cycle that was. Anyways, I have come to realize that I am comfortable with who I am, I know who I am even though I was with someone for so long. I have come to realize that I was the one who was growing as a person, maturing, changing for the better. My ex was not. In fact I think thats what our major problem was. We were not on the same page at the time we broke up. So.......... I have been seeing a girl for the past couple of weeks that I really enjoy spending time with. She is easy to talk to, even about stuff that we don't agree on! She is very affectionate, laid back, and independent. All things that my relationship with my ex was lacking for a long while. So she mentions to me that she is feeling a little paranoid about me not being single for very long. She said she finds it hard to believe that I know who I am because I was with my ex for so long. I tried to explain to her that although 7 may be a small number, time is relative. To me it has been an eternity because I had a chance to sort a lot of things out and to realize I am the same person whether I am single or with someone. I have my own goals, habits, interests and most importantly my own identity. She has never been in a relationship that lasted nearly that long so I don't think that she realizes you can be with someone and still be independent, grow as a person, have your own identity, etc... I asked her what her concerns were and she answered she was afraid that a month or two down the road I will break it off because i want to know what it is like to be single. How can I show her that I am my own person and that I am ready to start dating? I think our talk helped a little but i did get a feeling that she wanted to keep me at arms length until she gets assurance that what I was telling her is what I really feel. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

I have posted here a few times before. In my last post I had been seeking advice about going out on my first date since the breakup and I hve to say the date went so well she invited me to a cook out for memorial day and our first date wasn't even over yet! We talked all night long, until they kicked us out cause the place wanted to close. So I have been feeling a lot better lately, feel like I am at least a little bit back to normal and feel like I am part of soceity again. But here is why I am confused. Of course I still think about my relationship with my ex. It has only been a month since the breakup. As more time goes by I keep finding reasons for me to not even want to communicate with the ex. I guess I am not sure if it because of this new girl or because I have had time to reflect on the past with out getting so emotional. I wonder if I am trying to demonize the ex in order to make this new girl seem more appealing. I seriously do not think that is the case because she is a great person from what I can tell so far. Right now I have a huge sense of being "used" by my ex. She was treating me rather horribly for a period of a few months yet she would continue to let me buy groceries for her, take her out to dinner, I even bought her a couple articles of clothing for a trip she was going to take with her parents. As well as other things I did for her that didn;t necessarily include money but required significant effort on my part. All during that time she had it in her mind to end the relationship. Even though I knew she was in a funk I didn't know things were going to end up the way they did. She was under tremendous stress from school and having to deal with her father who has alzheimers. I guess I need some input on how to just put all that behind me cause after all I have met someone whose company I enjoy quite a bit, neither of us are rushing into anything and everything is out on the table. She knows the situation. Am I justified in feeling used? Should I even think about it anymore? Cause really there is nothing I can do about it. Any input would be appreciated!

Hey Doc, You speak to my soul. Everything you said was like it came out of my own mouth.....I also feel the pain if uncertainty, I feel like i am being reactive rather than pro-active. I am surrounded by people who love me but i can not shake this feeling of being completely alone. It is hard when you are used to getting emotionally intimate with a particular person and then when they are gone you feel a big hole that you can't get out of. Sometimes for me it seems like I may be out of the hole and then I lose my grip and fall right back down to the bottom. A voice in the back of my head says "if i can only show her how much i love her and what she is leaving behind then maybe she won't go!" But then reality sinks in and I realize I can not force her into anything and to guilt her back into the relationship would only delay the inevitable. I even went as far as to tell her that I would have done anything to fix the relationship, all she had to do was tell me what I needed to change and to give me the chance. But I had/have to face the fact. Once a person has made up their mind, they are the only ones who can change it. And you know what, I fel horrible, I sometimes literally feel sick, I even don;t have much of an appetite but you knw what....because of all this, I am more open with feelings, I have made more hobbies for myself I am on week 3 since being dumped by my high school sweetheart of 8 years and I have all of these same feelings. This is my first major breakup so I just feel lost in what to do sometimes. I even broke down yesterday and sent her an email. I know the more I push the farther away from me she will be. But I so longed to hear from her but you know what she hasn't written back and now I am angry and hurt. I am only doing damage to myself. It is a vicious cycle. What I find helps me is geting together with friends when I can. We try to get out to public places so it feels like I am back in the normal world. Jus try and surround yourself with the ones you love. Being alone and at home does not help but there will be times where that may be the case. When I have those days that I can not get out with friends I write in my journal and I write poetry. These are both new habits for me and It helps to get everything out. I have never been a very poetic person and right now most of my poems are about me and the ex or dark things but that is ok because they are my feelings and are meant for me and I am sure some day they will become much brighter and happier and I can share those with someone some day. Just know that things will get better, take care of yourself, take all the things about yourself that you feel you need to better because it will help you that much more when you meet that special someone. Whether it is someone new or someone from the past. Never count anything out but don't use it as a crutch either. And remember you can always come here if you need someone to listen cause we are here to help and to be helped. I hope this helped , Know that you are not alone in how you feel and there is almost always someone on these forums who is in the same situation. If you ever need advice or just want to vent you can always PM me. I would be glad to listen or give my input and give support. Take care and god bless.

Not that it really matters but i just want to clarify when i said she was cheating..it was whiles we were together. Of course I know if it was after we were broken up it wouldn't be cheating.

I am back to give another update if anyone cares to read it. Some of the stuff I have to say may make more sense if you read my previous posts. It has been two weeks to the day since my on & off girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. I can honestly say I am feeling a lot better but not good about everything and I will tell you why. I spent the first 1 1/2 weeks beating myself up, saying to myself that everything was my fault and i put her through torture for 8 years. I treated her like crap and that I used her for 8 years. I am starting to realize that I was buying into what she has been telling herself and others in order to disassociate herself from me and make herself feel better about her decision. Don't get me wrong, I know what i did was wrong, I couldn't see it then but I do now, and have for a long time. Everyone has regrets, I have always felt guilty about it and I always will. I take full responsibility. What i am not going to buy into anymore is that times were ALWAYS bad. I am also not going to buy into everything she has to say now because she was the one hiding phone conversation with another guy from me, wanting to move to the same city as him and asking abut people in his life..etc.. I was completely devoted to her for a long time and now she is the one "emotionally cheating". I admitted to things I have done wrong in previous posts. Things that I was not proud of, stuff that disgusts me to this day. I was young and dumb, and had communication issues, mainly with problems in the relationship. I do feel however that we communicated on a much deeper level in regard to ther things than she is letting herself believe. There were times when we did a lot of soul searching together. I do want to stress HAD communication problems. I have been very open and honest with people about a lot of things even when it comes to admitting the dumb things I have done. I have not been holding anything back. I feel like I am finally free after being locked up for 16 years. (we were high school sweethearts for those of you that did not read my previous posts) Not that I think it is any better but I never physically cheated, It was never in my mind to do so. I guess a good way to put it is that I emotionally cheated and she never got over it even though she never mentioned she was still struggling with it until 6 months after SHE picked out her engagement ring!! We had looked over house plans, we had talked about when we wanted to have kids, what part of town we wanted to live in and this was all long before we even went together to look at rings. Can someone really fool themselves that well into thinking they are happy and want a future with you?! I guess what it comes down to is she is making me feel like crap in order to make herself feel better about what she is doing. She has not accepted any responsibility for things that have gone wrong, especially when it comes to letting me by a ring, making me think we have a future, etc.. Some of the reasons she gave were from many years in the past and if she can not let go of some things that happened in the past then we were doomed to have no future. We are both very different people from what we were back then and it sucks that I am payng for mistakes now that I made along time ago. I am sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense to you, Hopefully people can understand where I am coming from and if you think I got what I deserved then tell me, maybe that is what i need to hear. I hope I didn;t bounce around to much for every one lol just kinda writing as it comes to me.

I agree that there was probably something going on behind my back. not necessarily tha she was seeing someone else at the time but that she broke up with me in order to pursue something in the future. I am pretty sure it is someone I mentioned before but he is 4 hours away so there may not be a whole lot going on yet. Now I wish I could confront her about it. I hate uncertainty. I have a question for the ladies out there. If you were in a relationship for 8 years, with your high school sweetheart, and you decided to end the relationship with them in order to go out with someone else would you tell them that was the reason or make up excuses in order to hide it because you feel it might make the break up that much worse? I know everyone is different but any insights would be appreciated. I just feel that after 8 long years I deserve the truth whether she thinks it will hurt less or worse. For me it is worse having this feeling she is holding something back from everyone and not knowing what that something is. I would rather know the truth cause it would make it easier to get over her. If i knew she wanted someone else then I would know in my mind I would not take her back and I wouldn;t be stuck with this feeling in the back of my mind of "maybe she will come back." I still get anxious when I cannot check my email for most of the day cause I am always thinking in the back of my mind "you know there is nothing in your email from her but what if there is?" I think what is really irking me right now is I still haven;t really had a chance to talk to our mutual friends about everything yet. I have not seen them. It seems like when I bring up seeing them the girls just tell me the nights that the guys are free but I know when my ex goes over to visit the guys and the girls are there. I guess I just want to know the reasons she gave them for the breakup and get their opinions on things I think the girls know this and that is why they are avoiding me.

Hey Blueangel. You seem to be so wise beyond your years I wish that I was as wise as you. I enjoyed the website very much and I appreciate the link very much. So send more! I actually just got back home from hanging out out my alma mater, Ohio state university. I have to say I am defenitely not at all interested in getting back into the party life. I have been going non stop for about a week and I am exhausted. I just feel like I need to keep myself busy and I am afraid to be by myself; as I would probably torture myself. I found out that our mutual friends were hanging out with my ex tonight. My friend Brian said he had to work tonight so he could not hang out tonight. It really hurt that he in essense lied to me and that she was hanging out with them. They don't feel like such mutual friends anymore. I am not the most outgoing person in the world, I have never felt comfortable going up to a girl that I do not know at a party or bar, it is just not in my nature. I still feel gilty about being interested in another person or thinking they are attractive. I guess I feel that way cause I feel it has not been long since the break up. Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button and I could just jump ahead a couple of months. I may send you a pm in the future...and you are welcome to do the same as well

I think that is what I need right now, I need to laugh. People seem to be a little skiddish around me right now like they are afraid to have fun around me or something. It is rough when you have so many mutual friends because they try not to take sides. I hate putting them in the middle but I also have a right to talk to them about things and she shouldn;t have a monopoly on everyone we both know. I feel like I have already told her what is in my heart. How can I tell her again or show her how I feel without seeming like I am desparate or stalking her? I do have to contact her because she was using one of my computers and I was going to let her use it until she moves back home to her parents house. She is currently living with my cousin so I told her to leave it there when she leaves but she hasn't even told my cousin when she is leaving. Initially I left it there out of guilt of taking her only access to email and school stuff away. How sad am I??In the back of my mind though I knew I was leaving it there cause I knew it would give me a reason to contact her in the future. How long should I wait before I say I want it back? I think I may feel even more guilty if I take it away from her because she wil have to spend money she does not have on a computer but at the same time I don't want that hanging over my head, knowing I will have to contact her at some point cause I also found some stuff of hers I still have. Important lesson--->always tell those you love how you feel & what is on your mind and not just when times are bad...cause if you wait too long it may be too late....Be open and honest and if things are meant to be they will be...if not then you did all you could.

Well it has been 8 days since my highschool sweet heart of eight years broke up with me. I have to say that things for me do not seem to be whole lot better. There have been a couple of times that I have felt pretty good and some times that i feel ok but for the most part I am still down in the dumps. I just can't seem to take as much enjoyment in the things that I do from day to day. My friends have been pretty helpful. I have been going out a lot with my friends to have drinks or to hang out or just drive around and talk. It is the moments when I am alone tha the bad times start to set in. It can be a double edged sword....I feel that if i keep up this pace of constantly going out that I will be burned out rather quickly but I also do not want to spend too much time alone because my imagination and feeling of regret and guilt begin to haunt me. I am constantly wondering where she is, who she is talking to, what is on her mind.... It is like someone is twisting a dagger in my heart. Our lives were so intertwined that every possession I have reminds me of her....not to mention I have 5 more payments on the ring she picked out and I was planning on giving her this coming June. As i said in my previous post I have to attend a wedding in which we are both in the wedding party and i feel like any progress I make in the next two weeks before the wedding will be out the door. Seeing her will cause everything to come crashing back, all these emotions, tears, regret, guilt, anger and a huge sense of loss for the future I was so certain was to be. I worry about her all the time and I know it is not really my concern to feel like I need to watch over her anymore but I can not seem to turn it off. How said is this...A co worker invited me to ladies night at a local bar. She wanted me to bring some friends to meet up with hers. Well I guess I could not see it but everyone was telling me how interested she is in me and when I heard it i felt guilty...guilty as hell. Why should I feel guilty..I was the one who was dumped It should make me feel good that someone is interested in me... I am so worried about my ex. I worry because i believe she may be depressed and since we had some unresolved issues it made for a bad combination of events. I explained all of that before in my last posting. She has been talking of moving out of the state but only to somewhere where she knows people. Well she only has a couple of relatives in California, everyone else is here and we know some people from other large, far away cities in the country but she knows them from an online game we used to play together. (they are both guys that in my opinion and in others opinions have feelings for her) I feel like she wants to live this "what if" life where nothing is certain and that scares me because it is so not like her. This part of her only really shows when she is stressed out. What should I do? Is there anything I can/should do? I have already talked to her family about it. There is one guy in particular who in my opinion may be a manic depressive person and I know she had been having conversations on her cell phone with him and not telling me. I had never been jealous of their relationship before because as far as i knew they were just friends. I mean he is 4 hours away. I think she thinks she has a lot in common with him and I am afraid she will run away to him and that would be a bad thing for her. She is very impressionable when she is like this. Why throw away what you have if you think it is valuable for a very uncertain future?? I hate being the one who was dumped and worrying so much about the person who dumped me! what should i do??? I know i said it in the previous post but why let me buy a ring, tell me I am a good boyfriend and then 2 months down the road tell me everyting has been horrible for the past 8 years and that I was just comfortable to her?? How can things be so horrible yet so comfortable?? I visited her family the other night and we were all saying that we feel like there is something very big she is not telling ANYONE. We are all comfused as to what triggered all these past emotions because she even admitted that the past 15 months I had not done aything to upset her or to cause her to not trust me or to hate me. So why now? She has not given anyone a straight answer. I am starting to truly realize she is not coming back. I know anything is possible but I am not going to torture myself anymore than I already am. I could go on for hours, it seem like all the talking I have done in the past week with my friends and family have not made things all that much better. In fact I have stopped talking to some people about all this because they are giving me horrible advice in my opinion. They tell me just to go out and have fun, go to the bars, meet new people and not worry about having a girlfriend. I moved past the whole going to the bar stage of my life a while ago so i feel like i have taken a huge step back wards. I feel like my life is a very hard pill to swallow I just hope I don't choke.......

Thank you so much for your response Ilse. I agree that I am probably in need of counseling although I have found myself opening up completely to people I never though I could so for me that is a huge step forwards but yet again the whole break up is also a huge step backwards. I feel like i have broken free from my bonds. I am not sure I am ready to go to a counselor quite yet. Unfortunately I cannot cut myself off from her completely quite yet. We are both in a wedding for some of our mutual friends. They are friends of ours from high school although the only got together a couple years ago after years of friendship. So i will have to see her for the rehearsal dinner and for the wedding itself. They have already stated that they still want us both in the wedding regardless but it will be very dificult because hat is where i saw myself in a couple of years and now that is all gone. There is another aspect to all of this that i am not sure how to deal with. I am very close to her family, they have told me I am always welcome in their homes and that what happened between me and my ex is just that, between me and her. I consider myself a part of their family and vice versa. The way i see it is that I know when i see them it will be a reminder of her but why should i have to suffer even more by not seeing them. Thanks again for the reply!

I guess i should start of by saying that in a lot of ways our relationship was the exception... I am 25 years old and the woman who broke my heart was my high school sweet heart. It has only been 3 days since the break up. I find it hard to find what people say to me when i talk about it with them because i do not know a lot of people who were still with their high school sweetheart after 8 years. Sometimes i don't think they understand the kind of connection you share with someone when you have gone through so many critical stages in your life with the same person. I honestly felt that I had found my soul mate but the more i reflect on it the more i think i was the only one who felt that way. I can now admit that i was not an easy person to talk to about problems in our relationship, especially if it was something i was doing wrong. I would close up and say anything that would end the conversation. I now know why i did those things...i had a secret...a huge secret that i had never told ANYONE. As a child I was molested. It only happened once and it was with an older relative. It was only a brief moment of touching but at that age it was traumatic enough. I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this or if it will even make sense to anyone. I still see this older relative on a regular basis and it does not bring up any "repressed feelings" about what happened. In fact i rarely thought about it. The way in which it affected me the most was my communication with others. My family was not one in which we shared our feelings openly. That is a whole nother story in of itself. After what happened i was not able to open up completely to anyone because i knew in the back of my mind that if i opened up to someone i would have to admit what happened to me when i was so young but i had kept it in so long that I just could not bring myself to ever do it. I had come to close to telling my girlfriend that I had actually opened my mouth to utter the words and then this voice in the back of my head would tell me not to do it...and i would listen. Well i finally got up the nerve to tell her, w hole 7 1/2 years after being together. I had detected some turbulance in the relationship so i said to myself i better do it now before it is too late. We had broken up a few times before, because i could not communicate. Some times i was the dumper, sometimes i was the dumpee. I would find myself doing things that were completely wrong, in essense i was cheating on her but not physically but by chatting with people on the internet. When there was something lacking in the relationship i would try to seek it out somewhere else and i am not referring to sex. It was easier for me to have her mad at me for a little while and then she would let it go (or so i thought) than to open up. I recently had a revelation by watching a tv show, dr. phil if you can believe. There was a person on the show who was similar to me in many ways in terms of being molested and the things he would do in response to being molested. It hit me, it all started to make sense. Every dumb, stupid and selfish things i had ever done made complete sense. Well i opened up to my girldfriend but it was too late. I finally felt that i was in a place where i could give her everything she wanted. It was too late....she had already decided that she had had enough......Even with as bad as things had been I had no urge to seek people out on the internet, my decisions were not so impulsive and selfish. All i wanted to do was make the relationship work. I think what makes this all so painful was that 6 months ago we had picked out an engagement ring together, always talking about getting married and having kids. She seemed happy but now when she talks about the past all she sees is pain and suffering. She no longer trusts me because she thinks i will fall into the same cycle of non communication. I can now confidently say that since i now know/understand the reasons behind my actions i am no longer doomed to repeat them. Well there is a lot more to the story such as her dad has alzheimers and she has not come to terms with it and she is also a full time student who also works. Does she see only pain and suffereng because of the tremendous stress? does she feel that i will not change although i feel i have made tremendous strides. I regret a lot of my actions in the past and I am not trying to make excuses or justify them in any way. I now feel that my girlfriend had every right to leave me behind, she had to do what was best for her in the long run. She says she never got over all the break ups in the past because nothing got resolved and i think a lot of things never got resolved and that was all my fault but why let me think that things were ok, let me buy a ring and then tell me it is too late????.... Wshe fooling herself into thinking she was happy or was she actually happy at some points in the relationship and only thinks she was fooling herself. She defenitely put on a good show a lot of the time if she was not happy. My only regret is that even after i spilled the beans, i mean i left nothing in the dark she refused to try and work things out. I told her my door was always open and that I am always willing to work things out. I am not going to stop living my life but i don't want her to think that just because 6 months, a year, what ever has gone by that I am not interested in having her back, after all we have gone through a lot together and if she trusts me enough to make it work then why let the past 8 years go to waste. Anyways I am done rambling for now. There is a lot of missing info in here but i got the main things out there. I hope this makes sense to at least someone and that people do not think i am crazy...... If you read all of this thank you so much and i am always willing to say more if anyone is interested in listening or if they can relate and it helps them to hear my thoughts. Thanks again.