Thought I could do it..I can't

[danimal77]

Of course not....I know they're not..but....I have no words...I wish I could warn this guy. He must be the happiest guy in the world because SHE forgave HIM....Now she is in all good with his family again...Like nothing...Meanwhile, she knows my Uncle was dying of cancer and she told me that she can't be bothered and to call someone else who will have the PATIENCE to listen to me.....This was in the process of her leaving. You see, I was standing in her way of rekindling things with him. She could tolerate no distractions. No deviations in her calcualted plan...Conquer....Kill and leave....and if it's not fully dead, come back, nurture it a bit and then kill it fully and leave again...BUT when she leaves, her victims do the job for her. That's the way she has it planned out. She has her admirers...all lined up...

[brando]

and if you could worn this guy, do you think he will listen??

 

My ex is very similar to yours, and i know deep in my heart one day she will be no further along then when she met me.

 

 

True story: her daughters were living with their father... and when we were dating she would see them on weekends, well after she drove them back to their dads, she would cry and cry about how much se missed them, me the sucker the fool i was consoled her and helped in everyway possible to get her daughters back. Anyway when seh wanted a divorce i just said to her one day how it was funny that when she cried over her daughters how easily i could have just told her to get over it as she told me to get over the divorce... cold. Her rsponse was of course this is different.

 

Its always different to selfish people, it is all about them. And i like you would sit and think of how i missed her and would want her back, now it is well okay she is gone, may be with someone else,(probably) may not be.. either way it doesnt matter, i am still here, i still have to live, i can be bitter anfd hate her, or i can forgive her and myself and live my life.

 

I even lent her some money to help her out of a sticky situation, and not yet have i received a penny back... and my thoughts on this are she has to live with the choices she makes. And if she can justify hrself for not paying me back, well then i really do not wnt this woman in my life at all.

 

danimal, you have been an inspiration to many people on this forum, you have been their for people when they were down, and probably shed some light for so many more people you may never know about. Dont forget this..

 

Thier is nothing you can do as you know, it is what it is... maybe it sucks, maybe in the end it will be great.. we wont know until we get their.

[PlayBrat]

I have to pipe in here again Dan....the way you are describing her

is that of a "Black Widow"...not the spider kind, but the human kind. The woman who uses and manipulates men into believing she loves and cares about them...weaving them into her web of deceit, taking what she wants and then killing them slowly and painfully without a thought for their pain or what she leaves in her wake. This type of person is VERY dangerous....and also very much a sociopath. Most people (men or women) with this tendency are very charming and are able to gain trust from their "victims". They are also very twisted and very good at turning things into THIER favor with mind games. This is why people like this never seem to get what they deserve and always come out smelling like a rose. Most people are TOO blind and TOO naive to see past that part of their sick personality. This indeed sounds like the type of person your ex is. Whether she was abused or not is not even relevant...the person we are concerned about here is YOU. Please don't make excuses for the sick behavior this woman has bestowed on you...you are worth SO much more than that.

Be strong...

[danimal77]

Brando, your words really touched me man. Thanks so much...Why coudn't she just have thanked me for having been in her life? Why couldn't she have left and been nice to me in the process? Why choose to put me down, showing NO class and NO appreciation for ANYTHING.

 

I had a present sent to her work on her birhday, on June 2nd. It was a fish. I thought it was a sweet gesture. I asked nothing of her, just wanted to put a smile on her face. All I've ever wanted to do and so, I call the pet store a couple hours after the delivery occurred and I asked them about her reaction and she apparently turned it away, saying how it's from her psycho/stalker ex-bf????!!!!!!! I had not ONCE chased her after she broke up with me. She just wanted everyone to feel sorry for her, to lessen her guilt.....

 

When I thanked her for showing me her true colors, she actually LAUGHED, saying, don't you get it Dan? I don't care and laughed again...

 

3 years and she has the ability to do this....and this guy only a couple of nights later, after having told me that she is back for good this time and to please not let go of her hand. Such empty words/promises.....

 

I am losing my composure here. You see, all I've been doing is respecting her. I've been a decent man, who has been kind, loyal, compassionate and forgiving for things I didn't even do and this is what she does?

[brando]

and I respect youfor what you did, but now it is time for Danimal to take care of Danimal. Time to set some boundaries and have nothing to do with her, not because you hate her(the chice is yours), but because you have respect for yourself, and you know in the end you were obviously the better person here.

 

I and many people on these boards are here for you ... dont forget that.

[chai714]

Dan,

It's perfectly fine in your position and given the most recent news, to be emotional about the situation. I knew that you had speculated that she was back with her ex, but I guess you had not yet confirmed it. At any rate, this recent event took it's toll on you because you have/had a lot emotionally invested.

 

Dan, I speak from experience that no matter how many positive changes you make in your life and for yourself (or even for your ex, God forbid), there are no guarantees. Her most recent actions have hurt you. But all the things that you did to better yourself are NOT insignificant. This whole experience with her (good times and bad) have been a learning experience. Dan, you've always had good intentions with her, which is something to be proud of. As much as you care about her, she's not reciprocating. The best course of action right now would be to withdraw completely. She's gone cold. Part of her jumping from guy to guy like a frog does lilly pads proves her deep sense of insecurity. But right now Dan, that's not your problem - it's hers.

 

I have always preached and continue to preach psychological tactics. Part of these tactics however, include using them on yourself. In this case, I recommend cutting her out of your life completely, for a few months. This does not mean forever. Nothing last forever, including the current frustrations you're experiencing right now. Cutting contact will help you heal up and become an even stronger individual than you are right now.

 

Every human has their threshold, or breaking point. This point is reached when one realizes that he/she is worth more than the current treatment they're experiencing by (the other party). You've probably reached that point now. Take time out, write in a journal, lift weights, do whatever you can to clear your mind. As you may or may not already know, time heals all wounds.

[danimal77]

This is what I just wrote Playbrat. She is a sweetheart in how she approached me and I haven't been treated that nice by a lady in years. It felt really good. This is what I wrote her (hope you don't mind Playbrat)

 

my heart is breaking, but for the first time, it is not breaking for her. She was like a drug and you described her perfectly. Her ex is a weak and naive man and she knows that I am no longer able to be manipulated and so, she has no more use for me...She squeezed me dry...

 

I am more angry at myself than I am at her at this point. She has killed a part of me: My Innocence. I was the only man who smartened up and saw her for who she was/is and as I state, she doesn't even care. She even verbalized this, while laughing....Sociopathic?

 

What's the best revenge? The right thing to do? I was going to call her to tell her I was going to start paying her back, but she doesn't even deserve to hear my voice at this point. I should stick a check in the mail and send it, with NOTHING else attached and if she calls to thank me, to not reply to her at all and continue to send her my hard earned money, of which she didn't lend me, but more so gave me....I am better than this and have SO much more class and have proved that time and time again. The poor sap. If only he had my insight. I am not angry or disgusted with him, but with her and also to a large extent, with MYSELF!!

[brando]

yes the bet thing to do is send the check in the mail. nothing else...

[danimal77]

Chai, and for everyone else, she is out of my life. I'm not saying a part of me still didn't have hope, but hearing the latest news, I don't want to have hope, even if the opportunity arised.....

 

I have been NOBLE, a GENTLEMAN and am DAMN proud to say that I have been a man of my word and have improved on everything I sought out in doing within myself...I have come out SO much stronger, or at least I believe so// That's up to those who have read my colums for the last year and a half to judge, not me....

 

I would NEVER do to her, or another human being what she has done to me...NEVER!!! It's not in me to do...

 

Again, the working out part, I'm already doing that. Moving on with my life, well, it's already been in the works as those who have been receiving my advice for the last week and a half can contest to...All the contact I wanted to have FOR NOW, was me paying her back and being civil with one another, but I don't believe she deserves my respect and kindness any longer. I would be too sick to my stomach to hear her voice. I can say that for the first time in 3 years she has turned me SO cold. I am never like this, with anyone. I always forgive and forget and NEVER hold a grudge, but she has taken this too far. She has taken a nice guy, who would have done anything for her, and stepped all over him and left me in the garbage, treating me like I was part of it in the process.

[PlayBrat]

Dan...

 

Yeah..the evil laugh and everything else you described spells..

S O C I O P A T H....

I read a lot...so this sort of stuff, the human mind is rather

interesting to me. If you know what to look for, people like this really aren't hard to distinguish. The good thing in all this Dan....and this is VERY important..is that you will never get suckered again, because you will have the knowledge to know what to look for, so don't feel bad...in FACT , embrace this experience because she has taught you a very very valuable lesson. No one can take that from you...EVER. She soes not know exactly

what a big favor she has done for you...but if you can turn this into a POSITIVE for you..you will win this.

As for the check...I would mail it ...and leave it at that. It will be your last link to her..and you can walk away knowing you lived up to your end of the bargain.

[urbangentleman]

Danimal....you have been an inspiration for so many on here......but my friend read this....alphonsea posted this to me once and i have never forgooten it....read it over and over.Were all in this together.....pm me any time at all, i'll always share the pain and my thoughts with you....look after YOU right now.

 

"Urban, stay tough my man! Don't contact her, please don't contact her. You are going to make yourself look needy and pathetic, and she will lose respect for you the more you hang around. Let her go! I'm not saying let her go forever, but let her go for now. Let me tell you something. If she really wants you, and really wants to have you in her life, she will make contact with you again. You will not lose her over a mis-understanding, or for the fact of you think she is waiting for you to make the first move. In fact the opposite is true. If you contact her, you're not going to get the response that you want. It's not going to help you move on, it's going to hurt you real bad. Trust me on this one, I speak from much experience. I broke off all contact with my Ex for 3 1/2 months. This girl emphatically told me that she would never call me again. Guess what? She did two days ago. She didn't want me in her life, so I granted her wish. All the time I beat myself up thinking, "wow, I must've not meant anything to her, she won't even pick up the phone to call me". And guess what, that was the exact right thinking. I was okay with that. I looked at this way. If I meant so little to your life, that you can't even make the effort to pick up the phone and call me, then you aren't the person I thought you were, and I definitely don't want someone in my life who doesn't want to be there. She took me for granted Urban, just like your girl is taking you for granted. For you always being there, and excusing her poor behavior towards you, she puts no value on you or the relationship. Sadly people want what they can't have and in her present mind, she can have you whenever she wants. You need to take that away from her, and you do that by controlling your behavior, afterall it's the only thing you ever have control of. Turn your back on her, do not be her friend under any circumstances (if you still hope for a romantic re-connection), and grant her the gift of life without you. Think about the worst that could happen; she never calls you again. Do you really want someone in your life that won't even make the simple effort of calling you on the phone? Don't be her doormat, she willl use you as much as you allow her to. Stay strong!"

[JynX]

As many before me have said, get her out of your life and simply mail the money. Even with that, there could be a possibility of her coming back around in time and trying to be all nice and sweet, I've known people like this to do it. Life's hard enough as it is; we don't need people like her to make it harder. My way of thinking is, out of every experience, there's always something to learn. In this case, I'm sure you've gained quite a lot of knowledge. Next time around, you'll know what to look for in a girl and won't make the same mistake twice. So that's the positive out of this whole issue. But then again that's what life is all about - getting knocked down, getting back up, and learning from the mistakes - right?

 

In a few years, or sometime in life, you might run into her again, and see just how miserable she'll probably be. Then you can look back at this, and laugh, knowing that you were the winner.

 

Good luck to you!

[Hope75]

I'm not saying a part of me still didn't have hope, but hearing the latest news, I don't want to have hope, even if the opportunity arised.....

 

Dan,

 

After everything she has put you through, 4 times now you've been left by her, are you saying you would still have hope to get her back?

 

This is not moving on, and it isn't good for you. I can understand if you guys split, say, one time, you guys are both still in love, you have some issues to work on apart and then maybe some together and then you give it another go.... but 4 times?? After all this pain you speak of, you would even consider going back??

 

Dan, I say this because you seem to so badly want to protect your heart and do the right thing here, and I really think the right thing for you is to mail the check and sign the book on this girl and close it.

 

If you hurt yourself doing something 4 times, wouldn't you learn not to do it again?

 

 

[freedom]

really all that matters is that you have done things that were right by her.

I have not done things to hurt her and you were a gentleman with her. You should not look back. Keep your chin up mate. You'll be alright. Now the hard part is to remember that you havent done anything wrong, so pls don't change because of her. That would be a final sin.

[gradle]

Hi there dan...

you've always been a huge help to me, so i just feel so bad that you're going through this....i understand that you're angry, rightfully so, maybe this is what you needed to let her go?

although i also understand how difficult it is to really let someone go at the same time, i think right now success is the best revenge, so try making the rest of your life better now, and maybe that would lead to potential new relationships that can hopefully be more fulfilling than what she had to offer? even if it doesn't she'll have to look back and say, whoa, what did i just do? and either make her reconsider her choice, or help you realize that you really deserve better?

i think she just seems very confused, and i hope she and you find your ways, and for your sake, i knwo how much you care for her, i hope the two of you can find your ways together......

[danimal77]

Thanks everyone for your insights, thoughts, opinions, suggestions and support....

 

I am left with no other options at this point....

 

The thing about the money I want to pay her back is not something I can do in one check...It would have to be in installments. I don't believe she is even expecting me to pay her back at this point, but I will....

 

She will NOT look back. She has no reason to. I am old news to her, but as sad as this is to me and I can admit to that, but nonetheless, I won't want to remember the good times anylonger (she has forced me to forget them), because they all seem insignificant now...They were obvioulsy meaningless to her...

 

I did everything in my power to not hurt her, at all costs I avoided doing that and if I God Forbid hurt her inaverdently, I would always try and apologize in the sincerest of ways, but no matter how much pain I was in, or may now be in (of which she has no idea of), she just trained me over time that I would have to take away that pain on my own...

 

I truly don't believe she will end up with this other ex. She is using him. She will find another victim (being the eternal flirt) and will make another man believe she is the real deal and would do anything, until the day she takes it all away. I can see her meeting someone long distance, on one of her many single chat lines, which I don't believe she ever got off of during our entire relationship and promise him the world, like she did me and many other and I can even see her marrying this guy and it ending shortly after.

 

The woman who I thought I knew is just a stranger to me now. She was not the same person I thought she was. Whatever I perceived as being sincerity and honesty and feelings were catered with one goal in mind: to convince....It hurts to believe this, but she has left me with no other choice.

 

I will send the check in the mail, but will feel sick the whole time doing it..

[Mun]

Danimal,

You have a very stubborn streak in you that could serve you well now to resist ever looking back on this girl. As you said you had done this 4 times... You know you've had enough.

Yes, easier said than done... you've told me that before, but this time you have to think about YOU. Who is Danimal and what kind of relationship does he WANT? This one was not up to par. She showed you that when she abandoned you at your lowest---someone who loves you doesn't do that. Remember that.

 

I know we've had our different opinions in the past, maybe we can agree now that you deserve BETTER?

 

Hugs Danimal....keep your chin up.

[Trev38]

That really sucks to hear Danimal. I don't really know what to say because I am going through a tough breakup myself. Getting dumped by someone you truly love is an absolutely miserable experience. Try to convince yourself it is over for good(as hard as that is), cut contact and try to move on. That is what I am trying to do, convince myself there is no chance of reconciliation. That is hard to do, I know, but once you convince yourself that, you can move on without looking back. Like me, I am sure you just want to be happy again, by yourself or with another girl, and you will. It seems like such a long road in getting over someone, but if you allow yourself to go down that road you can take the necessary steps to a happier, fuller life. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that. The first time my heart was broken I thought I would never find someone so good again, then I did, and she was better. She being the girl that just dumped me. I have had those same feelings again, thinking I want find another girl/relationship as good, but I know I will, in time, and you will too, if you are patient and let it happen. Good luck, we all need it.

[danimal77]

I have some more news, if what I found out wasn't enough..Yes, it is confirmed that she is seeing her ex, as you all now know, but in addition to this, a close friend of mine, who's gf knows my ex, has also confirmed that she also currently has a long-distance relationship with ANOTHER guy in New Jersey.

 

The even more deceiptful aspect of this, is that when she wanted back in in February/March, she briefly mentioned that she was talking to a guy in another state, but as soon as we got hot and heavy, she told me how she ended it, well, looks like she either never ended it like she said she did, or did end it and reconnected with him, in addition to her ex....

 

This is all so disturbing. I'll come clean in that I met her online almost 3 years ago. She was with her finance at the time, but told me how unhappy she was, and 6 weeks into our conversations, she declared her love for me and asked me if it was possible to love to men at the same time...My heart went out to her (I was naive) and she ultimately left him and broke off the engament and the home they JUST purchased, but before having done so, she wanted to make sure that I was there for her if she left him. Well, I was, and have been unconditionally for almost 3 years, while she would always come back and then leave me and leave me and begin dating immediately and go on her single chat lines and at times even do it while still with me. I found out and tolerated it (not at first), but over time, it's what drove me to become weak and insecure around her and suspisicious. It was because of this that I began checking her emails, but had stopped doing that completely since September of last year. I just wanted honesty, sincerity, loyalty and kindness, with NO exceptions, but that became the exception...

 

In any case, now I know she has a boyfriend in New Jersey and she has him as well. One she physically can see and one who is waiting for her in the wings, if and when this doesn't work out, or even if it does. In regards to me, I can guarantee you all that doesn't remember what my eye color is, let alone the pain she inflicted and the man she abandoned the half a dozenth time as Muneca put it....

 

When does it end??? What else is she capable of? Why??????? How can she live with herself. If she only looked back just ONCE, it would kill her to see the disaster she has left in her wake....

 

I'm seething and bleeding...

[auburnslp]

OK Dan...lots to say to you...

 

Some of what I write might find a way through the pain, some of it will be ignored, some of it will be denied by you, some of it may cause you to strike back at me. But I can take whatever you want to dish out. I am a man who has felt this intense pain and anger myself. And I also know how it feels to hear things I don't want to hear. It sucks. Out loud. And right now is the time for compassion for you, and you will have that from me. I care for you man, I hate so very badly the pain you are feeling. I will do my best to temper the tough love. But I feel from my heart that some of it you need to hear...

 

First of all, your descriptions of how she would react to your heart and emotions made me feel sick to my stomach. To admonish and berate and ridicule a man who is showing emotion is just so unbelievably sad and wrong. Your description brought to me a visual image I wish I could shake right now. I can tell you this brother, your actions and reactions to this woman were more justified than I have ever thought before, now that you shared these things.

 

You, like me, are a strong and intelligent man. You, like me, happened to meet and fall completely for a woman who did nothing for us but to lead us to insecurity, through actions and words. You have called her the eternal flirt. My ex was that also. There was rarely a night out together that another guy didn't give her a business card or ask for her phone number. Her reasoning was that she was just friendly. My reasoning, which I brought up many times, was that she was too accessible to other guys, even when out on a date with me. Not good. Not right. And I was and am still not used to that. I am a reasonably attractive guy-successful, great father, blah blah blah, and most girls I see focus on me when I am out with them at least. That's not to say that I need them by my side-I don't. But there is clearly a difference between a social girl and one who is out on a date that collects business cards or phone numbers, right? Anyway, I got sick of that, and told her. Didn't go well. May be the worst crime I committed in our relationship, other than noticing her keeping her ex-husband in her back pocket-but that is my story. Back to yours...

 

What I was trying to say is that it seems as though you have clearly acted badly over the past several years. Given her many reasons to break it off with you, which she has. To the point that now she describes you as the "psycho/stalker ex-boyfriend". Bad, bad, bad stuff. And before I go further Dan, please know that I feel your pain right now completely, and I wish I could say or do something to ease it. I do care for you. I truly do. But I am not going to do what everyone else is doing on here and laying it all on your ex. I won't do that because I care for you, and I have read all your posts from the beginning...

 

You and I made the same mistake. We fell in love with someone who was not right for us. We went from love to obsession. You can argue that if you would like, but all your past posts, well, a psychologist would have a field day with it. I did the same thing. My girl went away-I thought I was going to die. Tried everything I could-didn't work. Went to the fetal position, figuratively and literally, and finally decided to let go. Still not over it. Getting much better, but still have a ways to go.

 

Dan, I just got back from two weeks at the beach with my father-the smartest man I know. I mentioned at one point that I am worried that I still compare my dates to the ex, even a year after the break-up, and because of that, have realized that I am not ready to get serious again. He told me that he had been there, and that a year is not an unreasonable time to heal. Made me feel better. I only write this because it's a long road, in relative terms, for everyone. For you, it might be a couple months or a couple years-who knows? But eventually it all fades. Trust me Dan-I never gave up hope. Sadly, I still haven't, at least not completely. But as I wrote you a year ago, there is always a time to cut your losses and run. There truly does come a point when we have to sit back and decide to stop wasting our time and effort and love on someone who will never be able to reciprocate in the fashion that we were giving. I know that right now it will give you no solace, but trust me anyway, if you can-there will be a woman as great or better than your ex who will love you way better than your ex did.

 

Dan, try to think of the whole thing in these terms. You did things that I am sure you would never normally do, in trying to get this girl back. Things that I would hope you are ashamed of now-checking emails, lots of trickery-I feel confident that this is not the real you. The bottom line is that you were obsessed with her. And that goes beyond love. And you very well might still be obsessed with her. I know what I am talking about. My mother opened my eyes to that a year ago when she spoke those words. She told me I was obsessed. I was a mess losing her. Desperate. Willing to do anything at all to get her back. Overall, I was a pathetic mess. I feel what you are feeling now. It seems like this is the end of it-you feel helpless now-and it is miserable...only one thing left to do...

 

Circle the wagons brother. Stop trying to plan and then achieve. Let no one in except those whom you trust and can talk to. Form a barrier of support, us here, family and friends, and then embrace the pain, once and for all. Embrace your anger at how unfairly she has treated you-because it has been unfair-despite what I wrote above, that is also clear-but don't totally focus on that now. Embrace the pain. It is there, and there is no way it will ever leave until you allow it to. And I know how you don't agree with the stages of grief-we have had disputes there in the past...but I am very much like you I think...and I lived them. There does come a time when we have to let go, even when it seems impossible. It looks like you are there. No matter what happens brother, life goes on...and you will eventually find yourself in a so far better place than you have been in the past three years-you will be amazed.

 

Dan, I am sorry. I so hope that you will not be angry with what I wrote. I know that you don't need a big brother, you are extremely intelligent and also have a huge heart, and clearly fiercely independent, but the things I wote come from my heart, because I do care for you in this time. I've got ten years of age and experience on you. Just wanted to share, only because I care...

 

Try to sleep well tonight buddy...Michael

[danimal77]

You and I made the same mistake. We fell in love with someone who was not right for us. We went from love to obsession. You can argue that if you would like, but all your past posts, well, a psychologist would have a field day with it. I did the same thing. My girl went away-I thought I was going to die. Tried everything I could-didn't work. Went to the fetal position, figuratively and literally, and finally decided to let go. Still not over it. Getting much better, but still have a ways to go.

 

Michael, thanks for your heartfelt words and no, I cannot take offense to anything you have layed out for me...It was sincere and done without intent to hurt me or place the blame on me...

 

While you and everyone can clearly see from my earliest writings on Enotalone, I have gone through an evolution and have learned much about human kind and about myself. I have become aware and do understand the difference between what's right and what's wrong, morally speaking. I am not proud of the actions I took to try and get to the truth of the situation (her, where we really stood, etc....) and of the extent that I devoted into getting her back, making myself into a desperate little boy, BUT Michael, I have come through and I can admit to myself today that for the last year, but more importantly, the last 8-9 months, I have been a changed man. I washed away my sins if you will and have taken the honest and righteous path. I have NOT checked up on her ONCE Michael for as long as I can remember. I have not ONCE tried to convince her to NOT leave her. I have not ONCE gone to her work, school, house and try and change her mind. I have NOT called her 30 times, lowering my own self-worth in the process. I have NOT been jealous, controlling, dependent on, or any other of the other characteristics I exhibited with her during the time she was giving me every reason NOT to trust her...I have extrapolated and extinguished all of this from my system and what I have been left with is one thing: DAN.....No more, no less...and this has been the man she still chose to reject at the end of the day.....

 

Even though I have hurt more in the last 3 years than I had the my previous 24 years on this earth, I have become desensitized to the pain, because she always managed to outdo even herself and top it with something more unreal and impossible to accept as being something humane.....I have offered everyone on here logical steps on how to recover and in many cases, how to win back an ex. I was NOT capable of offering true selfless advice a year ago, or two years ago. I was focused on one thing, but today, my focus in more inner directed at bettering myseld and my life and being good to those people and realizing that it is better and more gratifying to give, before asking anything from anyone....

 

She has robbed me of something very precious, as I am sure I have of her as well: Innocence. I will never look at her the same way and yes, that contradicts my theory of nothing being absolute, but she has made it so. I don't want to look at her any other way. ALl of the good is erased now, the moment she decided to erase me from her life, in the manner that she did, when it was so undeserving, while telling me that she just wants to be alone and work on herself and get back to her friends who she neglected. What, did she do that for an entire day, before she reconnected with her ex and HIS friends and family and this other guy in New Jersey and who knows who else....I am sick just thinkning about it all.

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

Dan...

I wrote a novel there...long, long, long...

All meant to help, not hurt...

You cut and pasted really the only thing negative I wrote about you...

And I even added that I understood, because I had been there...

 

Stop trying to defend your actions. My whole post, I was trying to say that I understand your actions. I was in the same kind of thing. I didn't do exactly what you did, but I drove by her ex's house to see if she was there (he lives on a main road that I go on frequently, but I admit that I took that route more than I needed to)...my whole point is that we were insecure and acted as such, for me at least, because of the actions of my ex. I have never, ever been insecure with a woman before her. Sometimes we are driven to do things that normally we would never do when we love someone, or become obsessed-I know that is a horrible word, lots of negative connotations there-but for me at least, it was true...

 

I guess what I did, driving by to check on her, was a form of stalking. And I am ashamed of it. It is one of the many reasons that I am glad all that is over-because that is so clearly unlike me, and my character. Despite how badly I miss her, and still love her, I am so happy that that stage is done...it's been a year-I do miss her and love her-but fleetingly...I hope so much that you will get to that point and look back...

 

Never wanted you to feel ashamed for your actions or to have to defend them. I, if no one else here, understand completely. That is all I was trying to say-Michael

[danimal77]

Michael, I realize that you were trying to help me and I took in all of what you wrote and am far from trying to defend myself. I have no reason to at this point...

 

I would like to set the record straight that you are bringing up issues of stalking, when if you have been reading up on my history from the last year or so, I have done nothing of the such....

 

My entire point is to NOT focus on the past and living in the memory of the actions I once took and of the man I once was.

 

I know who I am becoming Michael and you and I are not the same person, even though we may share some similar experiences and have some similar personality traits...I am trying to not live in the past and a good part of me has let go of that life and of her and I can no longer identify with that life and who I once was.....

 

No matter how much change that has occurred in my life, it was never enough to make her stay and that is the final lesson I have had no choice but to accept. I can't punish myself anylonger, when all that I've done in the past was done with the best of intent and don't even have it in me to do anything any longer, in regards to her..If I would have it still in me, I would have taken action to win her back, or confront her, but NO MORE!!!!

 

I have walked away, emotionally speaking quite some time ago and physically over 5 weeeks ago....

 

What I still find out now, even though she is NO longer in my life, still hurts me, because it just validates that my fears and insecurities around her were real and felt for all of the apparent reasons...

 

Now, all I have to and would like to focus on is me sending her installments of the money I would like to repay her and NO, it will not be done for her, but for ME!!!!

[freedom]

Well done my son.!!!!!

[auburnslp]

Well Dan you are right on two counts-we are two very differnt people, and also, we share the similar experience-it just took you longer than it took me to find out...

 

I had always known, that my ex was guilty and sad over breaking up her family. She didn't hide that at all. Told me. Became depressed later on. But before that happened, it was clear to me that she kept him hanging on-just extremely subtle things that I could never place a finger on, could never confront her with. It led to an insecurity in our relationship. On my part-but it was completely justified. At one point me and my boys went to Six Flags here with she and her kids, and at the last moment she decided that it would be a good idea to invite her ex. I'm really not stupid. It became Six "RED" Flags to me that day. Got worse. That year told me that she didn't want to get together for the 4th of July, that she wanted to just be with her kids. I didn't buy that. Asked her after the fact how it went-she said it was fun-I said well you should have asked your ex to join you, that would have been nice...she said he went. For the first and only time in our relationship-I truly lost it. Because I knew what was going on, felt powerless and helpless. Yelled-and I don't ever yell. Cursed-and I very rarely curse. Here's the kicker-because of that she said I had anger mangement problems. Ladies and gentlemen, I am about the most laid-back person you will ever meet. Ever. But because I was in love with her and obsessed with making it all work-I went to counselling. Went twice. The second time, after the first time of getting to know me, he asked for those specific details. I told him what had happened. Told him I yelled and cursed at her...failed to mention earlier that the whole time at the amusement park the ex husband had his hands on her, she didn't pull away, yet didn't want me close in his presense...yes, I know, I'm a complete moron-fought a losing battle for a very long time-anyway, the therapist listens, and actually starts laughing! I thought oh my God I must be really messed up-and then his response-which I will never forget for the rest of my life..."you must really love this woman. If it were me, I would be highly irritated in that situation". He told me I was welcome to come back and talk further, but he assured me that I was justified to feel the way I did...

 

Anyway, not trying to steal this thread Dan-trust me. I just want you to realize that sometimes it is the actions of others that lead us to our own actions. That is all I was trying to express...Michael