Thought I could do it..I can't

[danimal77]

Hi guys.....

 

I'm sure all of you know why I've been back on here in the last week+, helping all of thos of you, who can benefit from my experiences, but I have to come clean...I just found out from a very reliable source, WHY my ex dropped me this time (cutting ALL contact with me)....

 

I had my speculations, but they were just confirmed...My ex, (gf of 3 years) who kept leaving me, as some of you will know and who I would always spend 1-3 months to win over again, so that she would only leave me 2-3 months later, blaming me for having done so in the process (always leaving me when I really needed her...at my lowest and most vulnerable point).....

 

Well, I made MANY changes in my life and at first they were always done for her, to PROVE to her that I was worthy of her love and her loyalty and then that focus shifted for me back in December and I began making changes for myself and NO LONGER for her and she came back to me in February. Unfortunately, I lost my job (layed off) and I was a bit more nervous and had lost some of my confidence as a result (which is understandable of course) and it was at this point that she bailed on me not only as a gf, but even as a friend, of which I needed more than anything...I didn't stop her. I didn't beg. I didn't do anything of what I used to do. I was kind and respectful and yet, she was mean, telling me that she is tired of the bs???? She said she is happier without me being in her life and sees no reason to be my friend and doesn't really care to know one way or another what happens to me. She just doesn't want to be a part of it. This was a long stretch from the pitch she threw me only 2-3 months earlier, of how sorry she wasn't there for me when I needed her and how she was TOO BLIND to see how much loved I had to offer and how great I was and she said that she knew that we were meant to be and asked me to take her hand and so I did and she let go AGAIN.....

 

BUT and here is the kicker. When I met her 3 years ago, she told me that she had an ex who would stalk her. It was a 3 year relationship and she could never get rid of him and how he had abused her (mentally speaking). She even had ME call him to tell him to leave her alone...She vowed that he RUINED her life and so, I supported her through thick and thin and NEVER left her side, even though she left mine more times than I can count.....

 

Anyways, I have been doing very well in the last month, considering how she bailed on me again and cut me out of her life like a cancer, even though I showed her the change in me she always wanted to see.

 

Today, I found out from a very reliable source that she has been spending EVERY DAY and NIGHT with her EX....It's been going on for over a month now (the time she left me)...She spends weekends at his families cottage and they are back together like no time passed....

 

If any of you remember me and what SHE put me through in these last 3 years and how I lived and died for her and how I tried to protect her and save her, not only from herself, but also from the memory of her ex, who she never forgave, then you will understand how this doesn't only kill me and make me HATE her, but I was going to call her, to give her back the money...This girl doesn't care if I live or die....She left her fiance before she met me, a month before the wedding. Another previous ex KILLED himself on a bottle of Vodka and Aspirin months after she left him and all the while she apparently was trying to escape the memory of her ex (the abuser, the player, the liar) and NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, I am the loser my friends. I am the one that fell for the lines she must have fed him a month ago, when she dropped me like I never existed and had NO MEANING in her life for 3 years. It's all insignificant now.

 

I am SICK to my stomach. I was going to call her this WEEK, telling her about my plans to pay her back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This girl is the DEVIL!!!!!!!

 

My friends, I need all of your advice. Thank you!!!!!

 

Dan

[JynX]

What will you gain by paying her back? A short moment of self-satisfaction? It won't make you any better than her. Do you really want that? I understand that you're hurt, but seeking revenge is the wrong way to go.

 

You sound like a very nice and reliable guy. It sounds like she had no respect for you. This girl isnt worth your time. I'm sorry for how much she's hurt you these past 3 years, but you have to get her out of your life. She's with her ex, so let her be. She's made her choice. Now make yours and move on and find someone who can appreciate you.

 

Goodluck...if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[annie24]

Hi Danimal - She sounds like a really sad, mixed up person. She broke up with you, and instead is with her lying, abusive ex. It sounds like she doesn't have her head on straight.

 

I would leave her alone. I'm glad you're starting to hate her, as well you should. She's put you through the wringer emotionally, and a few other guys it sounds like too.

 

It's good that you started getting your life together, even if it was because of her. I would channel the anger you feel at the gym, or into your new job search.

 

There's no point in "paying her back." The best payback is for you to get another job, live a fabulous life, and get a new, improved gf. She'll feel stupid when she runs into you on the street.

 

Good luck

[avman]

If you are over her as much as you claim then revenge should not be necessary. Move on, let her go, quit worrying about what she is doing with herself now. Revenge only allows her to keep the top spot in your life. And that continues to be unhealthy for you, just as many of us have been telling you for a long, long time.

 

You MUST let go. Forgive her so that you can start healing. Set your heart and mind free from the captivity you have placed it in all this time.

[PlayBrat]

Hi Dan...

Sorry to hear about this latest news...

You give such great advice and I admire what you have done to make

all the changes within yourself for this woman. Dan....sit back and re read your post...what would YOU advise someone ELSE to do? I have been reading all of your posts to so many people...and you are of such sound judgement in almost all these forums. Why is it so hard for you to see this woman for what she is? She has serious "issues"....she left YOU for someone she claimed "stalked" her...my GOD...that speaks volumes about where you are in her life! Dan...I somehow know if you were replying to someone ELSE in this scenerio you would advise them to wipe their hands of her and the situation...because it's ALL about respecting yourself.

Why would YOU be any different? I know you love this girl...and we all KNOW you'll do the right thing and pay her the money back...but do not go backward now. This could actually be the point where you turn that "corner" and see things as they REALLY are for the first time. ..and see HER for what she really is , for the first time...

This could be a blessing in disguise.

[DN]

This is going to be very hard for you. But you can get through it using all your mental strength. The main thing is to try and think of her less and less each day. Allow yourself a few minutes at first a few times a day and then force your mind onto something else. Gradually decrease the frequency and the amount of time - it's as if you are weaning yourself off her. You will find it hard at first but increasingly easier until the job is done.

Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

This girl is the DEVIL!!!!!!!

 

 

Totally agree. But I also have to agree with the other posters who say to steer clear of her. The girl is obviously very mixed up and nothing but trouble. Don't worry about revenge or anything, just move on. After all the times you've tried to win her back in the past, she's probably expecting it again this time. If you really want to stick it to her, disappoint her by ignoring her and forgetting about her. Don't be surprised if she ends up coming back to you for a change, in the not too distant future. Don't get back together with her under any cicmumstances though! She's a waste of time.

[danimal77]

Thanks for your replies. No, I never said I was planning on paying her back for what she did to me. I said I was going to pay her back the "money" she gave me 2-3 years ago, of which she always reminded me about...BUT now, things are different. Christ, I was going to call her this week and anounce my intentions of paying her back the "money", but right now I am throwing up our of disgust and SHOCK!!!

 

Avman, you know me. You know what I've been through. You know I've been back on here for over a week, typing my fingers off, trying to help others out, meanwhile, I find out the most deceptful piece of information ever today. She is doing with him, what she did with me back in March/April, when she wanted back in. My source told me where they went this past weekend. She took him to the SAME places she took me to when she wanted back in...Does she even realize the effect she has had on the men's lives she has detroyed and then walked out of, not caring f they lived or died, while all of these men lived and died for her???

 

This is ME, DANIMAL!!!!! I have been on this board since Octover of 2002, under a different name...Longer than even all the moderators. No matter how much I changed, she still fed me empty promises and and balied out on me half a dozen times and is back with the abuser???? Who is the real abuser in all of this???

 

I don't even know if she is worthy of me paying her back the money!!! What, so she can take it and use it on him??? The guy I tried to save her from, all the while I was the one who needed to be saved from her!!!!

 

OH MY GOD!!!! I fell for it again!!!

[auburnslp]

OK, I'm almost done getting dinner for the boys...but I glanced over your post, and for now, take a very deep breath and relax-I have much to tell you-and I will very shortly...

Do nothing right now-don't call her, email her, nothing-it would wreck every positive thing you have done in the recent past-you are angry now-take a very deep breath, pour a drink, relax if at all possible-but do nothing right now-I will be back on shortly...Michael

[Hope75]

Hi Dan,

 

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. The girl does sound very mixed up and like she has been unsure of what she wants for some time now.

 

You know from experience you can't make changes for someone else, and in the end when you began making changes for yourself is when she left you for the last time.

 

I think your best move is to do what you advise others to do in a situation like this, to try the best that you can and move on and let her go. Make your best revenge getting on with your life and being happy, regardless of what she has done in the past.

 

She obviously isn't worth the pain you are feeling over her, and it's good to get angry and let the feelings of betrayal out, but there isn't anything you can do about the present situation with her and her ex, she told you one thing about him and now completely contradicts her words by going back to him. Aren't you glad she isn't in your life anymore?

 

Who needs someone like this in their lives?

 

As you always tell others, hang in there and try to be strong. This is a lesson for you that you don't need this woman and that you are a better person than that and you are going to be better off now that all ties are cut.

[PlayBrat]

Dan....

You are upset..understandably so... but please please do NOT react

on these feelings. One of the other posters made a good point...

She EXPECTS you to try to get her back...why not do something

different and disappear from her life..and I mean REALLY disappear.

She sounds "abusive" in her OWN right in all this. She has been pitting one against the other all the while eating up the attention. Believe me Dan, she is QUITE aware of her actions. If it makes you feel better to not pay her back the money, then don't. Let her abuser giver her the money.

Let her live with her decision. I am sure she didn't even expect you to find out about the loser....so use that to your advantage.

Please keep posting...we are here for you.

[avman]

I know she did. But what I am telling you is to let it go. She STILL controls you after all this time. Don't let her. She is not your responsibility. You cannot change her. You cannot control her. You cannot "save" her. So don't try. It is a taxing effort that you simply don't need in your life.

 

Be free of this pain. You have the power within yourself to be free. You've made some positive changes within yourself. Thats fabulous and I'm very proud of you. Now make one more and let her go. You are entitled to a better life. I know you are angry. Go ahead and vent it out and then LET IT GO.

[danimal77]

Guys,

 

Again, thanks so much for all of YOUR support. You have no idea how much this is helping me...I wish I can address all of you, but I am in no right frame of mind to do so....

 

I will try and make some points here, seeing I have learned how to calm myself down and hold back. I will in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, let her know that I know..I advised this to Lost Angel a week ago and I will be a man of my word....

 

Firstly, I have been moving on. I have been moving on for half a year now, or more..The one link we had left was the money that I owed her, but the truth is, she paid me NO respect. You see, she could have left me and thanked me for the nice guy that I am and have been and how maybe she appreciated me and how I made a difference in her world, but that wasn't what happened. She had to leave and put me down before having done so....I always sensed that a part of her was insincere. I could never put a finger on it. She just always said the "right" thing at the "right" time, like an actress would and she was only "nice" when she wanted back in, because she saw that I had success again in my life and not just financially, but emotionally, and mentally as well and if and when I would lose part of that, I would lose her in the process and she would seal the deal by blaming me and this time, and really, the last 3 times, I was what most women would have really appreciated, and supposedly what she always wanted to see, but look what she did and and literally erased me as not only as a gf, and not only as a friend, but attempted to rob me of my humanity in the process...For what reason?????So she didn't have to feel guilty, knowing what she was doing was wrong. She even admitted to being sorry for not having been my friend the last time and told me to take her hand and that she wouldn't let go. I gave up all the women I was dating at that time and you know what? I told her that she didn't even have to give up any of the men she had been seeing (notice how much I changed?) and then she ends the relationship again, as soon as I lost my job and takes away all of it more and more each and every day and claims that she wants to take a couple of steps back and isn't ready for a relationship and then tells me she doesn't want to be my friend and then tells me that she doesn't even care what happens to me in my life????? Did I deserve that??? Does she not even remember that one of her ex's killed himself??? Not that I would do that, but this first ex, obviously never fell out of love with her. It's been like 5-7 years since she left him and if he only knew how she spoke of him....I'm sure she did to him what she did to me and what she did to all others. She takes turns. She couldn't go back to her two others. One remarried (the fiance she left for me) and the other is dead and so, this guy was still around and obviously never got over her and so, she thought, why not and I CAN GAURANTEE all of you that she is feading him all of the same lines she fed me......

 

Okay, that's out of my system...I was going to pay her back the money, but guys she blew me off as a human being?????

[freedom]

there is a chinese saying " that is it easier to give others advice then take advice from ones self"

Danimal77, you have a stable head on your shoulders and in time like these you really need to steady yourself. You have said to me to not over think things like i always do.

 

Anyway, here is a story, one of my ex was anorexic (they have freaky control issues) they will say things to get you to do what they want because they need to feel that they are in control of the people around them. She pulled my strings for 3 years and evenually it hit me that all through this time i was her puppet, her play thing. When life gets too much she will then control the puppet to make herself feel better at the expence of the puppet. I found that what ever i did to control the situation she was able o manipulate it so she had the control in the end. Eventually i just picked up and walked away from the whole thing, only then was i able to grow.

 

I didnt intend to do the no contact thing, i just wiped her from my life. She manipulate me which caused me to hate women for a good number of years after that. BTW i still hate my boss, guess which sex she is??

Put it simply, this is one situation in your life which is better to wipe to crap off your shoes and never look back. Don't bother about games anymore. Just wipe and walk away.

[avman]

Be the bigger man and pay her back the money. If you owe it to her, then do the right thing and give it back. Then you are free of the last link that ties you to. As freedom said, don't bother with the games anymore. Just be rid of her.

 

I know you have a million questions right now. I'll tell you straight out that you will never get the answers that you seek. It's frustrating as hell, but it's reality. I can see you going WHY WHY WHY and banging your head into the wall - but all that's going to do is create a large drywall repair job for you later .

 

Don't kill yourself overanalyzing this. This one has to go in the "life sucks" bucket. Her life is her own problem now.

[danimal77]

I have NO intention of playing games....I am as real as it comes today. I am an honest guy, with the best of intentions and have a HUGE heart...I would never do to ANYONE what she has done to me. I don't have it in me....What kills me is that she spoke of this guy as if he were a monster, but all along it was her...He clearly believes her that she is there to stay, but there time is limited....

 

She will never realize her mistakes. She doesn't care. If a guy killing himself and breaking an engagement with another hasn't woken her up and the visible pain and hurt she inflicted on me.......

 

She never said I hope that he or you can forgive me. It was always, I don't know if I'll ever forgive him or you....she walks away scot free and can walk back in making the guy feel so happy that she is there to return, only to walk out again. She conditioned me. There are invisible strings that pulled me and pulled the guy she is with now, who after a half a dozen years STILL hasn't gotten over her.....

 

I do see things clearly ladies and gentleman. I have made no contact with her in a week and a half and I only did so back then because it was her birthday...It's always been about ulterior motives with her. What SHE will get out of it. She was never interested in MY pain. In fact, this last time, I cried some tears when she told me that she doesn't care what happens to me in my life and that didn't only break my heart, but I felt psychologically RAPED, seeing she not only deceived me, but left me in such an evil fashion and SO, I cried for 5-10 seconds and she said you're nothing but a dramatic baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My God, whenever this woman would cry, I would hold her and cradle her fears away and all she did was exploit mine and for WHAT?????? What did I do this time??? I was layed off and I needed some support!!!!!!!

 

So now, I have money that was GIVEN to me, for OUR SUPPOSED future, like 3 years ago, of which I am in no way obligated to give back to her, but I was going to. I was going to call her this week (not to get her back), but to live up to my word and pay her back, but she turned her back on me as a human being, for NO reason, other than to rekindle a flame with her other ex. How do I look if I pay her back??? Any more than the fool that I already am???

[freedom]

Just as avman said, this is going to be one of those relationship that you are going to ask yourself WHY? WHY? WHY?

Apprently my sister told me the other day, it took me 1 year to stop asking WHY with my ex anorexic GF. It is going to be one of those things in life which i will never be able to answer.

Would i ever go out with her again?? honestly, yeah just to try find out WHY but in all honestly i know that it isnt worth the pain and Sacrifice that has to be made.

I am sorry Danimal77 but you are going to have to walk away from this one, it is an unsolvable puzzle. I think i figured your character as you like the chellange of being able to figure things out and you are a solutions person which is going to make it harder to accept. Just take the time out for yourself, you have made progress in your life, cherish what you have done for yourself and walk away from her. It is her life and now you have yours to for fill.

[brando]

Danimal. first off your not a loser or the loser as you wrote. Sometimes when we follow our hearts we get hurt. But evrything you achieved without her waqs earned without her, it is yours to keep. She cannot take it away from you no matter what she thinks.

 

Something tells me she is nt as happy as she is acting. What she said to you sounds like it stems from some deeply rooted hurt within her she is unwilling to look at and heal. She is hurting from something , maybe this bozo she is with now, maybe the fact she was with you and felt undeserving of how welll she was treated by you.. i dont know. Abuse is a horrible thing to have done to you, verbal abuse especiaqlly. If she was verbally and emotionslly abused in past realtionships, then it is obvious she hasnt learned to confront those issues inside of her that brings her back to that place. Perhaps this time around with this guy she may learn her lesson... hopefully she will not get hurt physically.

 

Listen, Dan you did everything for her because you wanted to, you wanted to help her, to show her a better way of life, you wanted to treat her in a way she may never have been treated. Sometimes in abuse cases the abused partner cannot recognize the good. They are so beaten down mentally that they sometimes feel that a good relationship is undeserving to them. So they do what they can almost subconsciously to destroy the good relationship in order to justify going back to the loser who wants to keep them down.

 

We both know she owes you nothing for what you did for her, you did it because you wanted to, but we cannot rescue anyone. Their are no more damsels in distress. We can only help ourselves.

 

You wnat to get back at her, then pay her back the money every cent. Without any bittterness or disdain. At least then you will be the one with the clear conscious.

 

i was thin=nking tonight how great it would be if i was with my ex again, and then i realized i was just as unhappy with her, their is more work i need to do on myself. My one suggestion is to continue doing that work. Think about why this is hurting you so much, other than the love you feel for her. I found what i was feeling was not love, but something else entirely. My insecurities, i thought how happy i can be if we were to get back together, how happy i would be with her, all along i was blind to seeing how happy i could want to be just for me and with me.

 

Danimal hang i their, be gentle with yourself, and your feelings. Chances are what she is doing has little to do with you directly, in fact it may not have to do anything with you at all. That is her journey now, and you have your own. She will need to learn things through her own actions and experiences, she knows wha this guy did to her, and she knows what she experienced with you, her choice unfortunately. But in the end we al have to face our maker, their are no shortcuts in life Danimal, i think you realize this, and the road she is on will be a feroicious road, filled with much more pain and unhappiness then she is able to see right now....

 

I read once that when we heal ourselves we can look back on our exes with more compassion for not understanding the power of healing.

 

be well,

 

Brando

[DN]

As long as you owe her the money you will have some sort of link to her - and you must not have that. Best to pay her the money as a sort of cathartic exercise - when you no longer have a reason to contact her and she has no reason to contact you, then you can start to move past this.

 

This has gone on far too long - your life is too important to be spent agonising and thinking about her. Never let anybody occupy this amount of your time and emotional energy when you get nothing in return except negative and self destructive feelings.

[freedom]

Danimal77. Shivers, i am sorry that she treated you in such a cold fashion, that cold heart evil Bwitch!

i supose that your relationship with her has come to an end. Pay her money back and move on, dont look back.

She has become so self absorbed that she doesnt know what down from up.

one of the thing that i might just suggest you look up on the net is "control issues" and "codependency". you might be able to see some traits there and i might help you move on after you understand what you and her has been doing.

Again, i hope i helped.

[danimal77]

Brando,

 

Thank you for your kind words, but I don't believe for ONE single solitary moment that HE was the ABUSER. It was her all along. I just know this...

 

The facts are in front of my face, all along they were...

 

I don't believe she has a conscience...If I did what she has done, I would have either ended my life a long time ago, or would have commited myself into a sanitarium....

 

I used to feel sorry for her and wanted to save her, because I used to look at the hurtful things she would do to me. If I would cry from being struck down and some of my tears would fly on her face in the process, she would tell me not to spit on her and look at me with disgust. I didn't even feel human. I would fall down on the floor in emotional agony and she would watch me crying and in desperate need of an apology and a loving embrace, but what she would do, was walk away from me and leave, conditioning me in the process.....

 

She knew I came from an abusive childhood. My Dad was VERY abusive and I was scared of being yelled at and she knew this, but would yell at me everytime she didn't get her way. She used to physically shove me as well (years ago), until one day I shoved her back and she left me, feeling justified in doing so......

 

No, at this point I don't care what happens to. She was NOT two people. She was one person. She was calculated and the nice, sweet, loving girl was only a front. It was the one she kept going back to was her real side. The one that could watch you die and almost take a sick pleasure out of it and walk out on you when you needed her the most.

 

Am I angry??? There aren't words for it... I was meaningless in her life, seeing how she had the potential to discard me so easily, in EVERY CAPACITY and she picked it up with him where they left things off. Does she not feel any remorse!!!!!????

 

Now I have this money thing to contend with....I would never hurt a fly my friends, but for the first time in my life, I can't say that I don't wish her harm, because I do...

[brando]

Some people handle thing differently, remorde i dont know, felling well thst is another question, if she was abusive toward soyu and towards her ex, then i can guarantee she isnt one who spends much time feeling. Some people lke her who abuse, manipulate etc... waste no time on feelings. And then they wonder what is really eating away at them deep down inside.

 

 

Feel your anger, feel your pain, but do nothing, theyare only feelings Danimal and they do go away, watch your thoughts, your mind will play tricks on you.... causing you to believe what she did to you was true and deserving.. you control your feelings and your thoughts not her r any other human being.

 

Feel everything Danimal without any judgement or anlayzation... this too shall pass..

[freedom]

Danimal77,

VERY LOUD TECHNO TRANCE MUSIC.... the doof doof kind, no lyrics, no sentimental song, just LOUD DOOF DOOF trance music.. get it out....

[danimal77]

I could only imagine how much she is probably bad-mouthing me to him and how he is probably consolling her like I did with her....

 

How can she play men like this?? She is not 16 years old. She is 28 years old...

 

She has one thing in mind all along: HER!!

[brando]

And the things you think she is bad mouthing you for are they true???