I NEED TO KNOW...advice needed

[Flora]

SO I've b een dating this guy for a little over a month. He seems to dig me but has yet to outright call me his girlfriend, although he spends a lot of time with me and shows me a lot of attention around his friends and in general. A few times we've gone out this girl has been there and I've noticed him kind of looking at her a lot. I've wondered if he had dated her in the past or if he had a crush on her. They've said hi so I know they at least know each other. I want to ask him about her, because if he has some hope of dating her I want to exit what we have. I want to avoid a painful situation. I want to ask him what the deal is with us...but I don't want to come off pushy or over emotional. I jsut don't know how to go about doing it. He is coming over tonight...I am making dinner so I'm thinking I'll bring it up them. Any tips...I've only got a few hours.

[rainsreign]

Hey-

 

My boyfriend has said to me "why are you staring at that guy?" I wasn't, but anyhow, it started a big fight because I totally didn't even notice I was looking at him (if I was). Anyhow, it just made me feel like he is over jealous and sort of controlling, whereas he felt like I was lying when I said I wasn't looking.

 

BUT, I think that it's fair to at least ask if you are dating "exclusively". Actually, the first time my boyfriend and I had sex he asked me if I was monagamous or polyamorous or what? And at that point we both said we only planned to be together and not with anyone else, to avoid "confusion". So, I think it's totally fair to ask him if he just wants to date you or if he wants to have an "open" relationship in which you are dating other people. After all, it isn't fair if you are committed to him and he isn't committed to you.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah, I agree with rains. Don't bring up this other girl, but talk to him about the status of your relationship, and if you're an official couple.

[DropToZero]

It's probably just your imagination..he may have been or still be good friends with her in the past...like you think.

 

Anyways..yea guys USUALLY will not be the one to initiate the actual relationship b/c we don't want to scare you(the girl) off. Girl's are the ones that should mention those kinds of things if they want to become exclusive...find out if he is dating anyone else etc... I bet he isn't if he's giving you all this attention, but yea...just bring it up when he comes to dinner.

[Flora]

he's with me 5 out of 7 days a week. I know he's not dating anyone else. I've already mentioned that since we do have a sexual relationship that I didnt think it was a good idea that he was "with" anyone else. ANd he said not to worry about that, but when I asked him what I was to him...this was like 3 weeks ago...he said I'm a girl he likes a lot and likes hanging out with. Things have gotten better, we've gotten closer since then...so I don't really know how to bring it up. What should I say? How should I say it...I'm afaid of what he might say. I didn't want to fall in love...i was hoping he would turn out to be a real jerk so I could avoid all these feelings...ugh.

[RandomAdvisor]

he said I'm a girl he likes a lot and likes hanging out with.

 

Don't get too caught up over how you say things. Just tell him the truth. You two spend a lot of time together, you're intimate with each other, and have a sexual relationship. Sounds like a GF/BF thing to me. Tell him you're not comfortable continuing your relationship with him as is unless he's willing to commit himself to you and make himself your official boyfriend.

[rainsreign]

Hmmm.... the pain of relationships, the constant desire for more... Agh. I know how you feel. In some ways my bf can be emotionally unavailable, and part of me wants to hear him say how much he loves me and that I'm beautiful and the only one he ever wants to be with, etc., etc. I can't help it. That's what I want to hear. And the idea of being hurt is painful in itself that sometimes I just want to break up so I won't feel that pain.

 

I don't know... I think that even though you brought it up three weeks ago, I think it's fine to say something like:

"hey. i've been thinking a bit and i've been wondering to myself what are we doing? I'm just wondering how you really feel about me as we haven't really said much. I honestly feel like if you just think I'm "cool" and a nice "friend" that maybe I feel more for you than you do for me. I'm not trying to start any problems or anything, but I just want us to be clear about our intentions so that none of us gets hurt or feels deceived or anything. I'm not trying to put pressure on you or anything, but if we both aren't feeling the same way about things, maybe we should go our separate ways. I really like you a lot and would like to be your girlfriend, but if you don't feel the same, then I think we shouldn't waste any more of our time."

 

I don't know... I feel like finding a way to be honest and forthright is really the best way to go about things. My wording might be weird but I think saying how you feel is the best policy.