I’ve been thinking about suicide all month

[Looktothesky]

I can’t get the nagging thought out of my head that I could just end my life someday if I wanted. It feels like my life is just a funnel leading to that point. All I have anymore is just memories of better times. I don’t see any hope of things getting better.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Looktothesky said:

. All I have anymore is just memories of better times. I don’t see any hope of things getting better.

Sorry this is happening. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. You can also reach out to mental health hotlines just to talk to someone.  Does this have anything to do with this past disappointment? 

 

[Looktothesky]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. You can also reach out to mental health hotlines just to talk to someone.  Does this have anything to do with this past disappointment? 

 

Thank you. I am seeing a licensed therapist bi-weekly. I think I may have to reach out and see if I can schedule an additional appointment.

And yes, it does. We reconciled in the fall and did relationship therapy. Eventually I had to come to the hard realization that I was still not capable of supporting her and being there in the way that she needs, and in the way that she has always done for me. That was in late January and I am still stuck on it. I don’t know if I believe much in fate or soulmates, but I feel deeply connected to her and I’m struggling to imagine ever meeting someone like her again.

I keep hoping for things to get easier. I met up with her last weekend because I found some vintage t-shirts  that I knew she’d like. I keep hoping to feel at peace with maintaining a friendship with her. But every time I see her or talk to her it just reminds me how much I love her.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.  Please make sure you do what it takes to get to a safe place where you are not in imminent danger of harming yourself.  Whether that's calling your doctor's emergency line, a suicide hotline or whatever medical or mental health resource there is right now please do so. 

[Troy324]

I've been there, most of my time in elementary school and part of middle school I thought about suicide often because I was the kid in school all the bullies bullied and nothing was ever done, my advice is to be by yourself as little as possible during the day and by that I mean go out with some buddies somewhere fun. Contemplating suicide is almost entirely a phycological war and the best ways to beat it are to do things that keeps your mind off of whatever causes you to think about it and to vent to trusted people like your closest friends and family and if necessary a highly rated therapist or other mental health professionals. Remember that ending it is never the solution, when we hit rock bottom the only way to go is up, it'll take time but you will improve. Keep in the fight and never give in!

[ShySoul]

There's always hope of things getting better. That's the great (and sometimes scary) thing about the future, you really never know. Something can happen at any time that changes everything. The best things in my life came when I was at my lowest points. I had moments where I felt similarly. I wasn't planning to kill myself, but I had resigned myself to the pain and emptiness of existing, just going along until my body gave out on me. Then something or someone came along and made me feel alive again. I didn't see it coming, had given up hope. But things got better. If I had taken my life, I would have missed it.

Things will get better for you too, you just need to hold on until that something better arrives. Cling to those memories if you need too. That's what memories are for - to lift us up and remind us of the good times. They show us that life is worth it, that there is joy in the world. I bet many of those memories came at times you felt down as well. Things turned around in the past, they will again.

You will meet someone when the time is right, be it her or someone else. For now, don't think about it. Focus on taking care of you and improving your life. 

Hang in there. There's a reason your in this world. Please don't give up before that reason becomes clear. 

[TeeDee]

I am so sorry life feels so overwhelmingly difficult.  Do tell your therapist that you are feeling like this.  That person can help you better than a message board. 

A gratitude journal helps me.  Every day when you wake up you write down 3 things that you are grateful for.  At night before you go to bed you write 3 more.  They should be different.  Once a week you read what you wrote.  They can be profound but they don't have to be.  I will share that in the cold winter my heated mattress pad & down comforter make the lists a lot.  When you focus on the good & what you do have, it helps to elevate you out of what seems like that endless dark slide down to the inevitable.  

I'll start your list for you: 

1.  You have a therapist

2.  You found enotalone because you are Not Alone. 

3.  You found those cool vintage t shirts 

Now you continue. . .

[Looktothesky]

There’s nothing much to continue about. Or at least it feels that way to me. My family doesn’t get along at all. I haven’t made a single friend since I graduated college ten years ago and I’m too scared to try. All my friends and extended family in my age group are settling down and starting families. I live in an area where I can’t go outside without seeing all the people going about their days and engagements. Im getting older every day and haven’t accomplished what I want to creatively. Every hour I know there’s life happening out there and I am not an active participant. The things I want to do are being done and the life I want to live is being lived and I’m stuck being myself in my pathetic little world that’s getting smaller and smaller all the time.

[Looktothesky]

I want to ask my therapist if I can schedule an additional appointment before my next one but I’m worried it will be too much

[ShySoul]

If it helps, you're not alone. I often feel just like you. My family was one mess after another. Believe only contact any of us have now is because I make a point to call my mom every week. Friends have been few and far between and even then something happens and we lose touch. I'm at a point where the possibilty of a family of my own feels like a longshot at best. I usually feel like the outstider, a spectator watching a world I've never really fit into. Some days are a struggle just to get through the hours.

I wish I could give you a answer, some explanation why some people feel this way. I wish I could give you a solution and make everything better for you. But the only thing I know is what keeps me going. Faith. I know people like us have a purpose. I know we are needed. No matter what we endure, that will only serve to make us stronger. You're world is not pathetic if you choose to make it otherwise. There has to be something that makes you feel better, brings you comfort. It can be anything. Start small. No matter how small or insignificant you might think it is, find it and hold onto it. The smallest thing can be a reason to continue. And that small thing can grow into something meaninful and remarkable.

Know that you have one friend here who is thinking of you and wishing the best for you. I'm hoping brighter days are coming. Keep the faith.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

There’s nothing much to continue about. Or at least it feels that way to me. My family doesn’t get along at all. I haven’t made a single friend since I graduated college ten years ago and I’m too scared to try. All my friends and extended family in my age group are settling down and starting families. I live in an area where I can’t go outside without seeing all the people going about their days and engagements. Im getting older every day and haven’t accomplished what I want to creatively. Every hour I know there’s life happening out there and I am not an active participant. The things I want to do are being done and the life I want to live is being lived and I’m stuck being myself in my pathetic little world that’s getting smaller and smaller all the time.

Can you save or work towards moving to a larger city where there is a big singles population -I did that in my late 20s -I only had to move 9 miles from where I grew up but moved into a high rent district where I could walk to work -worked more than full time -and take part in all the social activities and volunteer activities and on and on in the huge city.  

Creatively is easier to in a big city especially if it involves collaborating or being involved in cultural activities.  I had a number of friends ages early 30s to early 40s starting families and getting married -especially a few who were in their 40s -when I got married and got pregnant -husband and I were 42 as newlyweds and expecting parents.  I felt very very left behind for years but living in a large city with other singles made it much easier.

But yes if you are having suicidal thoughts I am very very sorry and please get professional help and  resources.

[TeeDee]

14 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

I want to ask my therapist if I can schedule an additional appointment before my next one but I’m worried it will be too much

Schedule that 2nd appointment.  If it's too much for you to hash things out more often you can dial it back.  For now, you need an outlet. 

Read up on SMART goals & implement some.  It's not easy to make friends once school is over but it is possible.  It just takes more effort.  Do something small, like invite a neighbor over for coffee or a drink; join an organization that does something you are interested in.   define what it is that you want to accomplish creatively & then at least write out the steps needed to achieve that goal.   Include the obvious steps like buy supplies.  Then start to check off some of the boxes by actually doing them.  I wanted to lose weight a while back so I had to go buy sneakers because I didn't have any at the time.