How to set boundaries during sex

[Camilla]

I am a pretty open person when it comes to sex, def don't judge anything. I'm a female dating a male. I found out my boyfriend was molested when he was young by a male. He does have some stuff to work thru bc he kept it a secret. However, recently he's been making gestures towards wanting me to play with his anus. I'm totally fine with preforming whatever he wants, but I'm nervous he will be triggered. How do I approach him about having boundaries w/o making him feel as if there's something wrong with what he wants to try? I only know a little bit about what "happened" to him, ik he feels safe w/me but I do worry he will regret it later, or maybe he will love it!? 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Camilla said:

 he's been making gestures towards wanting me to play with his anus. I'm totally fine with preforming whatever he wants, but I'm nervous he will be triggered. How do I approach him about having boundaries w/o making him feel as if there's something wrong with what he wants to try? 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? As long as things are consensual, he is probably fine with it. You don't have to worry about his past or being "triggered".  Please try not to be his therapist. If you dislike the activity, just say so. Communication is important as far as what people's sexual desires are. 

[Camilla]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? As long as things are consensual, he is probably fine with it. You don't have to worry about his past or being "triggered".  Please try not to be his therapist. If you dislike the activity, just say so. Communication is important as far as what people's sexual desires are. 

 

[Camilla]

We have been together 4 years, he is mid thirties. I def am not trying to be his therapist, I love him with all my heart & want to make sure I dont make him feel any kind of way. I think from my own perspective I can get caught up on things that feel good but then think about it later and decide maybe I don't want to do that again. I just wouldn't want him to do something that brings him guilt or shame. If that makes sense. 

[Batya33]

Communicate simply and directly.  Ask him why he wants to do this sort of act and tell him you want to know because you won't feel comfortable participating without more information from him.

[LootieTootie]

Is he in therapy? I think your concern is valid. I honestly don't think you should do anything that might trigger him because you don't know. Sitting down and talking to him is the first thing you both need to do. Secondly, if he reacts in a way that he is not fully healed from his trauma, then I think you know the answer.

[ShySoul]

Open, honest communication free of judgement is the key to most things. Tell him just what you said to us. Say you are willing to try whatever he wants, but that you want to make to make sure you are both okay with it and enjoy the experience. Make clear that either of you are free to stop something if it is no longer pleasurable for you. And set any groundrules for things that either of you may not be up for. That's simply partners showing love and respect towards each other. Otherwise, have fun.

In and out of the bedroom, just continue to show him love and support. He feels safe enough to let you into something very private, so you are doing something right. Keep doing it.

 

[tattoobunnie]

While it's common for some victims of sexual assault to fantasies of being raped to help process the trauma to help create a positive interpretation, lots of dudes and duetters enjoy anal / rimming stimulation. Sometimes, just gently rubbing the area is enough. It may have zero to do with his abuse.  Consent is key here.  If you don't like butt stuff, just say it's not for you.  And, have safe words.