Trying to maintain friendships

[Jaunty]

I really don't think I am a selfless, saintly person, but if I think I can do or give something to a friend (and sometimes others) and I go ahead and do it, the reward is in that action.

This whole "WAAAAAAAA, when is it MY TURN, I am sweet and almost perfect" is downright cringe inducing.

[tattoobunnie]

On 4/21/2024 at 9:19 AM, Alex39 said:

I have two best friends that I've had for over 10 years. We met in college. 

I'm someone who wants to be comfortable with my friends. I will be extremely loyal to them. And I like to spend time with them. Not constantly, but I feel like, how can you stay friends if you don't see each other and know about each other's lives. 

My one friend lives about 40 minutes away from me in the same state. She has a home, a husband, and an 18 month old child. 

When she was having the child, she was all excited and talking to me constantly. And we were close. She was all about me being "Auntie"

An Auntie to me, is someone close to the child. Someone who watches the child grow up. Does activities with the child. Is like family. My aunt was super close to me growing up. And I have so many memories with her. I was so excited to be Auntie to my friends child. 

Ever since she has had the child, I barely see her and I feel really disconnected from the child's life. My friend never invites me over. My friend will invite me to the child's birthday, once a year. I maybe see the child two to three times a year. I don't think the child knows me. I feel like I'm missing her growing up. My friend never asks to make plans with me. 

I'm always the one asking to make plans with her. And I've gotten so tired of the one-sided asking that I've given up asking.  

Months back my friend asked me to be her plus one at a wedding. I asked why her husband wasn't going. She said how he had to watch their child. I then offered to watch the child for them, so they could go to the wedding. I'm a very responsible person and great with children.  My friend said no, and that her daughter isn't socialized and acts up when she isn't with them. My friend keeps her constantly sheltered at home and many people have been making comments that her child needs to be out around other people more. So I go to the wedding with her, thinking we're going to have an awesome night. And we could connect as friends.  I spend hours getting dressed up. 

We barely stay much after the dinner and my friend insists we go home because hee husband is uncomfortable watching the child and wants her home. 

I was kind of irritated. I thought the whole reason I attended was so he could watch the child. She's almost 2 years old. So we went home. I put in all this effort for nothing. 

Now when I suggest us making plans together, she always insists we go to her house or near her house. She promotes that she has to be at home at 11am to put her child down for a nap. So we can't be out at 11am at all. Then she puts her down at 6pm to bed, so if we're out, she races home before 6 to get her to bed. I've never seen anything like this. My mom always took me out and if I slept in the carriage or in the car, it was fine. So now when we do make plans, I'm always traveling the 40 minutes to her home and we can't really go anywhere. 

I don't feel we have much of a friendship anymore and I don't feel much like an Auntie. 

Our other friend - we are a trio of women, recently moved 12 hours away by car to another state with her husband. 

I remember being sad and telling her how we'd barely see her. She promised that if we gave her notice, she'd come up for birthdays and events and she wouldn't miss them. Well that hasn't happened. I told her way ahead of time for my birthday, she didn't come.  My friend invited her ahead for the child's birthday, she didn't come. 

Now her new thing is telling us- hey I'm going to be in town these days if you guys want to see me. 

This rubs me the wrong way. So essentially,  drop everything if you want to see me. And she always comes to town when I'm working during the week. 

I want to see her and I want to remain close, but I feel like I'm chasing her. Now she's having a baby and I feel a bit insulted. She moves away, we barely see her, she won't comes for any events for us, but is already planning to come up here to have a baby shower and wants all of us to shower her with gifts for it, for her to then travel back home and to not be seen. It's weird. 

I really want to be close to my friends, but I feel like they don't care. I care about deep friendship and we have such history. I don't know how to repair this void that seems to be there. 

The out of town friend is coming to town tomorrow. I offered us to do a breakfast, since I work in the afternoon. Of course, we have to go to the mom's house because the child can't be away from home. I said I'll be there at 9, since I can only stay a couple hours and must get to my job. The out of town girl is like "Oh well I can only be there at 11." Thats essentially when I have to leave. 

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other. It's like they are all out for themselves. 

I have my job, I can't help that. 

But I am trying and willing to try to see her. 

I don't know what to do and if I should even go. I'd be driving 40 minutes there and back to see my friend and her baby, and my out of town friend for maybe a half hour. 

This is pretty much what being a mom is like.  Her letting you know when she's in town is a big deal, and that she wants to see you.  The fact that her husband can't watch his own kid by himself is exhausting. He sounds like he makes her do everything, which is a crappy situation to be stuck in.

Again, just like all your friends with kids, it's not personal. Toddlers or school aged kids can't fend for themselves.

Auntie is a title reserved for non-blood related, but besties you would trust with your kids.  It's not a substitute title for babysitter.

[tattoobunnie]

On 4/21/2024 at 2:34 PM, Batya33 said:

I do know the source of her negativity and bitterness and I feel for her -but at the same time I feel for me too and hence we never will be that close on my end.  On her end she says she likes me (say this  to me) because I truly listen to her and am supportive.

Oh and by the way according to you she has the holy grail - lovely and smart, successful and kind husband, two adorable kids, house in the burbs and planning to upgrade soon, sons are in team sports so she gets to be Sports Mom and she doesn't work outside the home right now and gets to do all the things with school, sports, planning parties, etc.  And she's had serious challenges in her extended family and life -challenges and traumas I would not wish on anyone and even motherhood/marriage/house doesn't change that or make it alllll better.  At all.

I have a friend like this too.  She bad mouths my husband all the time to others as a deflection of her newly ex-husband.  But in the same token, I really care about her for many reasons, so I won't bad mouth her period.

I just stay polite and kind to all even when I know she's tainted people against me. Whatever.  There are also common friends that moved away from her because they recognize she is toxic, and tell me without me bringing it up, because she gossiped to them about my hubs.

OP, it doesn't matter if you get married and have kids; having a toxic mentality doesn't resolve itself like magic.

[LootieTootie]

[Cherylyn]

Like you,  I was sweet, too.   I would say I was sweet to a fault.  I showered friends and relatives with all forms of my generosity.  I would race to their doorstep with homemade dinners in tow due to any hardship (financial,  sickness,  surgery,  bereavement,  new baby,  new move,  accidents, etc.)  I gave them 'thinking of you gifts' if I knew they were feeling down or needed some cheering up.  We emailed one another,  met in public or traveled to one another's houses which included long drives, air travel or both.  For local friends,  relatives and in-laws,  I was extremely accommodating,  helpful and gave endless moral support.   I put my money where my mouth was.  💰 💸

Like you,  after a while,  I burned out.  It seems that I was doing all the giving and they were doing all the taking and whenever I was down and out,  all I heard were crickets.  🐞  😒 

I've since whittled down my people list to a select few and it's enough.  Keep in mind that being in social butterfly mode is way overrated IMHO.  It's expensive and very time consuming.  I've found that I didn't have much time for myself when I was so busy catering to other people's needs first.  I didn't have time to take good care of my health,  appearance,  hobbies were a rarity and it was a challenge squeezing in fitness time because I was either frenetically busy or too darn tired after doing so much for others!

Be careful what you wish for @Alex39.  Absorbing other people's problems,  troubles,  stresses and trying to make them happy is very taxing to the point where you lose yourself in the process.  I've since released some people from my life and I admit,  at first it's quite an adjustment and unsettling.  Then as time marches on,  you'll grow accustomed to suddenly having more time for yourself.  Most of all,  you'll have more brain space to focus on your own life,  needs and doing what makes you happy. 

Be careful because some friends (or relatives or in-laws if applicable) take too much of your time,  money and efforts to maintain the relationship.  Ever since I've whittled down my associations,  my bank account increased.  Imagine that.  😉

Keep in mind regarding how people treat you.  If they habitually exploit you,  they're benefiting from you.  They don't care to do anything for you so beware because they're taking advantage of your naivete.  You're merely at their disposal and convenience according to their whim.  Or, as you can attest,  they breadcrumb you,  put you on a shelf and whenever they're ready on their timeline,  they'll contact you.  You're basically on standby.  🤨

I've met a lot of great friends at my local church which you might want to try if you're faith based.  There are all sorts of groups and ministries there.  Or, volunteer in your community for charity, fundraisers for worthy causes and the like.  It's very rewarding to help the disadvantaged.  If you want to be with empathetic types,  go where they are.