Advice on girl I'm seeing

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Messages have been approved and posted above my comment. Thank you, I appreciate what your saying and I totally agree, no point in opening myself up to someone who just isn't ready. 

Oops sorry I did not see them! I'm really sorry that it didn't turn out the way you hoped. X

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you’re upset and I’m glad she ended things in a polite way. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

 She did talk to me a bit early into meeting up about the situation with her ex, how she needed to get a lawyer as they will be starting divorce proceedings. 

Sorry this happened. At least she was upfront. 

If she's in the throes of divorce,it seems more like you dodged a bullet. Please don't be her shoulder to cry on. Let her pay her therapist and attorney for that. 

 

[boltnrun]

So she's not even divorced yet but she was already on a dating site? Interesting.

I'm glad she did you the courtesy of telling you. Now you can move forward.

Oh, and I recommend being proactive about dating others. Don't wait around in case she changes her mind. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So she's not even divorced yet but she was already on a dating site? Interesting.

I'm glad she did you the courtesy of telling you. Now you can move forward.

Oh, and I recommend being proactive about dating others. Don't wait around in case she changes her mind. 

Yeah I agree, its interesting because her profile said she was looking for something long term. Though clearly she wasn't up to it in the end. Oh I'm not waiting around, have already got a date lined up with someone new next Tuesday 🙂 

Still hurting though but I'll be okay.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Yeah I agree, its interesting because her profile said she was looking for something long term. Though clearly she wasn't up to it in the end.

^She still may be looking for long term but felt you weren't the right fit for her. 

Like she said in her break up message, she felt overwhelmed, it was too much too soon.

I'm sorry you got disappointed but there IS a lesson to be learned from this.

No matter how intoxicating the chemistry, slow down.  Pace yourself.  Slow and steady.  Pay attention to actions and act/respond accordingly.

If that means breaking a "pattern" and dialing it back, then that's what you do.

Better yet, try and stay away from developing any sort of pattern in the first place.  It was much too soon for that and she became overwhelmed by it. 

All the best moving forward!!

[JamesTaylor7892]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^She still may be but felt you weren't the right fit for her.  Like she said, she felt overwhelmed, it was too much too soon.

I'm sorry you got disappointed but there IS a lesson to be learned from this.

No matter how intoxicating the chemistry, slow down.  Pace yourself.  Slow and steady.  Pay attention to actions and act accordingly.

All the best moving forward!!

I take your point, I think the only thing I would say is that she also probably rushed things a little from her side too. After two weeks of dating she was sending me links for spa hotels we could spend the weekend together. She also introduced me to her brother on facetime, her mum on a separate occasion, plus she wanted me to meet her best friend before she went on holiday. 

Even when she said we needed to slow down her words were 'we're both as crazy as each other.' SO I think we were both at fault in that regard. 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I take your point, I think the only thing I would say is that she also probably rushed things a little from her side too. After two weeks of dating she was sending me links for spa hotels we could spend the weekend together. She also introduced me to her brother on facetime, her mum on a separate occasion, plus she wanted me to meet her best friend before she went on holiday. 

Even when she said we needed to slow down her words were 'we're both as crazy as each other.' SO I think we were both at fault in that regard. 

This is called "lovebombing" and it's a red flag.  

For your part, you need to be the leader and slow things down otherwise what happened with her will continue to happen with other women who do same.

Also, clearly she was on the rebound, another red flag.  

That is what is meant by pay attention.  You simply cannot allow yourself to get caught up in her fantasy.  

It's all good, lesson learned....

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Oh I'm not waiting around, have already got a date lined up with someone new next Tuesday 🙂 

Great you're going on a date. She's in the kid in a candy store phase of divorce. Avoid anyone not yet finished with their old business. They're just looking for attention and validation at your expense. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is called "lovebombing" and it's a red flag.  

For your part, you need to be the leader and slow things down otherwise what happened with her will continue to happen with other women who do same.

Also, clearly she was on the rebound, another red flag.  

That is what is meant by pay attention.  You simply cannot allow yourself to get caught up in her fantasy.  

It's all good, lesson learned....

I'm 31 years old and I've never heard that term in my life but upon googling it does sound chillingly familiar to what happened with her 😞 like you said, lesson learned. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I'm 31 years old and I've never heard that term in my life but upon googling it does sound chillingly familiar to what happened with her 😞 like you said, lesson learned. 

Yeah, it’s typical of people who are rebounding from a breakup or newly divorced, but the most dangerous are those not yet divorced. I’d consider anyone separated or going through divorce to be off limits. That’s adding another layer of crazy to what’s already crazy. It never matters what a lovebomber or a rebounder ‘says,’ because they’ve not taken the time to stabilize solo. So they’re all over the place, leapfrogging to the next person and projecting the familiarity of the relationship habits they’ve never broken out of onto them.

A typical rebound cycle is a rush to connect followed by a speech about what a wonderful person you are, but they really should have taken more time to “find myself”. This can happen in a month or a year, but if this person was asked whether they’re rebounding going in, they would have insisted that they were not. So it’s up to each of us to protect ourselves by being the sane one who can look at a calendar and decide that this person is not a good bet to mess with.

An alternative is to tell such a person that you’re stepping away while you both think highly of one another, and if they would like to reach out in 6 months or a year, if you’re still available, maybe you can catch up then. This allows you to preserve the potential without involving yourself in the rebound cycle.

Head high, we all learn by living.

[JamesTaylor7892]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I will learn my lesson and move forward.