Living with an “ex”

[Advice4888]

mine and my idk wether to say boyfriend anymore relationship has practically gone to ***. I don’t know if it’s saveable anymore as I’ve been really hurt and too much has happened. However we built a life together and I am 19 years old and was reliant on him financially and he was reliant on me in a way as well to help him financially. I’ve been sulking for a very long time and been in a bad mental state. I want to pick myself back up and want to be strong enough to handle the situation. He says he still loves me but because so much *** happened he feels very distant. So do I in a way. He still wants to work on it but says he needs space and for now to take it really slow just as if starting all over from scratch. I want to be strong enough to make a plan as I’ve realised that I’ve become dependent on him, dependent on eating and sleeping and doing daily tasks with him. I want to now be independent. The apartment we have together has a lease for one year that we aren’t very able to get out of at the moment. I want advice as I made a plan, I want to take a year, maybe stay in separate rooms, find independence, make a plan for my future, figure out how to love myself again, focus on making some money and grow as a person. If he says he wants to still try and make it work then I can go with the flow and see if it works however if the lease runs out and it doesn’t at least I will have a plan unlike now where I completely didn’t expect this and feel like I’ve been thrown onto a bunch of rocks. I wasn’t prepared. The thing is my other relationships weren’t this serious where we lived together. That’s why I’m hoping that this solution would be the grown up and adult thing to do. However I’m not sure how I’d handle it, if it would hurt too much if it didn’t work out. I’m not sure. I think it would help both of us out to live together, and he says he wants that. But what if it is emotionally too much.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

I want to now be independent.

Yes- so build a life with yourself.  See if someone can take over the lease.  I don't think sharing living space is required for an unmarried couple.  I didn't live with anyone until I was engaged, right before the wedding.  One person -my husband.  Anyway you are 19 - are you in school? Do you have a good job? Why were you reliant on him financially?

[smackie9]

Life is tough, so you need to toughen up if you want to make it as an independent adult. Get a decent job or work two jobs and start socking away your money. Step up your communication with him, talk things out more. If he shuts you down, then live separately. Go find a friend's couch to sleep on until you get your crap together. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

. The apartment we have together has a lease for one year that we aren’t very able to get out of at the moment.. If he says he wants to still try and make it work then I can go with the flow and see if it works 

Did he stop staying at his sister's and come back to stay in the apartment? Do you both want to work on the relationship and stay together or do you just have logistical and financial reasons to continue? Is this the same man?

 

[TeeDee]

No you can't live with an EX.  It's untenable.  You will each be too upset when the other has a date or sleep over. 

Can you keep the apartment if you get a roommate (not him)?  If so, do that.  If you can't keep it even with a roommate, find a new tenant.  Your landlord just wants the rent.  The landlord doesn't care who pays it so if you find somebody else to take the place, the landlord will most likely let you out of the lease.  

[LootieTootie]

Do you have a car at least that is not shared? If yes, start looking for jobs, 2 jobs so you give yourself and him some space without being home all the time.

If you don't have a car, hopefully your town/city has public transit where stations/stops are walkable. 

You need a game plan and your first game plan is how to get your butt from home to work and back home.

Are you a student? If yes, there are student services for financial difficulties at your college. If not, I would recommend you try and apply. There are so much free money out there for incoming students.

 

[SooSad33]

On 4/1/2024 at 12:57 PM, Advice4888 said:

I want advice as I made a plan, I want to take a year, maybe stay in separate rooms, find independence, make a plan for my future, figure out how to love myself again, focus on making some money and grow as a person. If he says he wants to still try and make it work then I can go with the flow and see if it works however if the lease runs out and it doesn’t at least I will have a plan unlike now where I completely didn’t expect this and feel like I’ve been thrown onto a bunch of rocks. I wasn’t prepared. The thing is my other relationships weren’t this serious where we lived together. That’s why I’m hoping that this solution would be the grown up and adult thing to do. However I’m not sure how I’d handle it, if it would hurt too much if it didn’t work out. I’m not sure. I think it would help both of us out to live together, and he says he wants that. But what if it is emotionally too much.

You are still so young! Sorry this isn't working out 😕 .

Sometimes we do grow apart... it happens. And nothing much anyone can do but work on accepting what is.

BUT, it may become too much for you having to live there with him. Can he not find a friend to share this place with & help with the rent so you can move on in a healthy manner?  IMO, it's best way to handle this situation.

I also feel you can strive better with your own ideas of looking ahead as you are.. and working on your own self.  But not be stuck there with some guy who's now pulled away.

I have 2 kids close to your age, One has also moved to an apt with his gf and the other's still at home.  Building funds for a future which is fine 🙂 .

Never any reason to rush into anything, especially at your age. As I said, you are still so young. You've just reached your adult stage in life and have sooo many good years ahead of you!  Get out there, enjoy the scenery, hang with some friends, enjoy all life's got to offer. 🙂