Seeking Guidance: Navigating Complex Feelings as a Parent

[Triton1989]

Hello everyone,

I find myself in a challenging situation and am hoping to gain some insights from this community. I've been in a relationship for four years with my daughter's mother. Our daughter came into our lives unexpectedly, and I've often felt like I was pushed into this relationship rather than choosing it for myself. While I have genuine affection and care for her, the feelings of love aren't there, at least not in the way I believe they should be. Despite getting along, sharing laughs, and even intimacy, there's a persistent sense of feeling unfulfilled.

Recently, my life took an unexpected turn. I met someone six months ago, and for the first time, I feel a profound connection on every level—physical, emotional, and mental. It's a compatibility I've never experienced before, and I find myself envisioning a future with her.

However, the thought of pursuing this new relationship is fraught with concerns. Moving forward could cause pain to my daughter's mother, potentially disrupt our living situation, and might disappoint my own parents. More importantly, I worry about the impact on my daughter, who is now four years old. The possibility of not seeing her as often and how this might affect her emotionally weighs heavily on me.

I'm at a crossroads and unsure how to proceed. Balancing my own happiness with the well-being and feelings of my family is daunting. Any advice, insights, or similar experiences shared would be greatly appreciated. How do I navigate this complex situation without causing unnecessary pain, especially to my daughter?

Thank you for taking the time to read and for any guidance you can offer.

[Batya33]

Since you ended up feeling that somehow you were forced to be with the mother of your child -once the newness wears off with this person you're cheating on her with who's to say you'll feel like that again - that you were forced -and also how is it that this woman should trust you won't cheat on her?

Here's what I would do.  Separate from your child's mom who you don't want to be with.  Figure out how to co-parent effectively and have a schedule etc. Focus on your child's best interests and once you are single and co-parenting then maybe reach out to this woman and explain that now you are available to date.  If she is still interested and available you can start from a better perspective.  

I don't see this as complex or having anything to do with being a parent as far as "complex feelings" You are a person who chose to look outside your relationship and get involved with someone else romantically. Now you would prefer to be with this other person.  Those are basic feelings of wanting someone other than your partner.  The complexity is you want to be able to do this and parent effectively -those are not about feelings but about the life you chose -that you say you were forced into - but your child didn't get a say -she is here. Act in her best interests. I'm a parent too.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Triton1989 said:

Recently, my life took an unexpected turn. I met someone six months ago, and for the first time

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?  Do you both work? Do you co-own your house? 

Where did you meet this other woman? Is she also in another relationship?

If you wish to pursue this woman you can cheat or leave. Coasting along isn't really doing anyone any favors. If you blow up your family, is this woman the answer to your dreams or more of an escape? 

If you leave you will have to figure out child support and custody as well as dividing assets. Please reflect if this is just another grass is greener situation. 

[Triton1989]

Just some more details and to reply to questions..

I'm not married with the mother; nor I was in relationship with her to start with.

Once found out she was pregnant; I recognized the child and tried to have a relationship with her mother also due to pressure from my own family as they love their granddaughter.

But I believe we both are unhappy by now. Many times she herself asked me to separate but I convinced her to stay together and keep on trying for our daughter's sake. I have put effort in the relationship and tried to convince myself also but I don't know how long I can keep on doing this. So yeah, meeting another woman at the moment is not the factor that put these thoughts in my mind as they were already there. 

The mother and me are living together at the moment in my house; we both work and we are stable financially. I took on an extra job to be able to create a fund for the child's future as well.
 

[smackie9]

People end relationships/marriages everyday. Her/your family, even your child (who won't remember much about this anyways) will adjust to a different arrangement. You are a grown a$$ adult. You can do whatever you need/want to do. Everyone will get over it. 

[Batya33]

That's great that you are fulfilling your parental obligations.  I agree with Smackie.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Triton1989 said:

 Many times she herself asked me to separate but I convinced her to stay together and keep on trying for our daughter's sake. 

Please start here. Have an honest conversation that it's not working and let her go. Does the woman you're interested in know you're in another relationship? Have you already started the affair? 

Not that it's likely to work out, but if she or your GF discover what's going on, this won't end well.  Since your GF has tried to leave several times, why not set each other free? 

[catfeeder]

Your child’s mother already wants out, so seek legal advice to propose a joint custody arrangement, and liberate both of you to seek happiness with other partners. This may or may not include subsidizing the mother’s move or living expenses if you can afford to do so, and it would sweeten the pot for her to remain civil with you.

Your parents don’t get a vote. You alone can empower them to sentence you to a partnership where both people are miserable, or you can consider yourself a grown adult who is capable of deciding your own course. Your parents will need to concede to your wishes if they want continued access to their grandchild, so don’t defend yourself beyond requiring them to be respectful of the shared wishes of your child’s mother and yourself.

Once you clean up the domestic situation, you are free to start dating whoever you wish.

[Tinydance]

Well in all honesty I think this is what used to happen a lot in the past. A woman would get pregnant by accident and the man felt the duty to marry her and/or pressured by his family. Although you didn't marry her on paper but it looks like this is exactly what happened in your situation. I don't really blame you that you're not in love with her as it sounds like you only just met her and she got pregnant straight away. So you stayed for your daughter.

Unless you're religious or from a culture that's very strict, I don't see why you can't leave her. You can still be there for your daughter and co-parent. If you get along well with the mother then you could try to do 50/50 custody or whatever is suitable. 

Really in this case I don't think it's a matter that you're confused about your feelings. You always knew for four years that you don't love your girlfriend. I think if after four years your love didn't grow and you tried, you can't change that.