Am I asking too much? Is it time to leave?

[smackie9]

14 minutes ago, Belle2024 said:

Yes you have valid points for sure and I understand. He actually asked and suggested counselling after I told him I can’t be with him anymore due to the lack of emotional and physical connection. I’m going to think about it. I have a hard time taking him serious because he will sometimes admit what he does is hurtful and acknowledge he needs to change, but for years of just acknowledging something and never actually changing, I am feeling pretty frustrated and hopeless. 

Thanks for the insight and advice. I appreciate it ❤️

 

Now are those words to pacify you because you make HIS life easier and HE would be F&*^%$ if you left? Or does he really love you and wants to change to make your life better? As they say, actions or lack there of, speak louder than words

[Belle2024]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Now are those words to pacify you because you make HIS life easier and HE would be F&*^%$ if you left? Or does he really love love you and wants to change to make your life better? As they say, actions or lack there of, speak louder than words

We definitely help each other in lots of ways. We are actually great at parenting and running the show together, financially etc.

But I wonder if I could ever feel emotionally connected again. I need that in order to have a physical connection. The no intimacy is killing me and I guess that’s a whole other topic, but I can’t have a physical connection without an emotional one.
He is not aggressive and doesn’t initiate sex either. 
Im not sure if he’s just talking or actually serious about change. Acknowledging things is a start. I just don’t want to waste anymore time. I just turned 40, I’m very active and fit and feel like I’m 25 most days. I want to have a partner that I can have fun with and laugh and feel safe with. I’m worried I will waste more time and then be even older and will be hard for me to find someone. I don’t want to grow old alone. But I don’t want to stay in a lonely relationship either. I have a lot of thinking to do. Perhaps some personal counselling would be helpful for me. 

[smackie9]

I don't think he will change as much as you need. If he's pretty much always like this, then it's not worth about say 4 years to work on it to get very little results. 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, Belle2024 said:

The no intimacy is killing me and I guess that’s a whole other topic, but I can’t have a physical connection without an emotional one.

You've been together for many many years, 15 I think you said? Has he always been this way?  In some form or fashion?  

Or did you at one time feel emotionally connected and the physical intimacy was there but somewhere along the way, he shut down? 

I don't want to assume so will wait for your response before I respond further.  

 

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Belle2024 said:

He actually asked and suggested counselling after I told him I can’t be with him anymore due to the lack of emotional and physical connection.

Take him up on his offer right away.  Neither of you will understand and work towards a happy balance without some sort of outside help so don't be stubborn and expect him to figure this all out on his own, reach out and get help if you are serious about making the relationship better.  I am sure he made the offer because you mentioned leaving which is unfortunate it came to that but since you are here run with it as fast as you can.

 I have  been on this forum a very long time and when you have read as many threads as us veterans you understand that the OP is posting from their point of view and you learn to spot someone just looking for validation or if they are genuine and want help resolving an issue.  If someone gets to a point where they start googling for answers. finds this place and makes an account and posts a thread we need to listen, ask questions and go off the information given.

 Lost

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Belle2024 said:

The no intimacy is killing me and I guess that’s a whole other topic

No it isn't.  Intimacy is way more than just sex.  This is all tied together and a good therapist will help both of you understand this.

 Your husband was not born this way just like you were not born the way you are.  Life shapes us, molds us into who we are.  Sometimes good sometimes not so good and we carry it with us until something happens to shock us into bettering ourselves.  A dear friend with a serious illness, a death in the family, a close friend falling on hard times, a divorce or break up and on and on.  What we do and how we react define who we are.  This is a defining moment for both of you and if for nothing else seek out a therapist for your sons sake so he can grow up in a healthy and happy environment.

Does your health car provide for counseling?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

On 3/5/2024 at 5:45 AM, Belle2024 said:

, it’s been years of this. I do love him but I am 40 and not married, and trying to decide if I want the rest of my life to feel this way. 

How much is not being married bothering you and what are the reasons you're not married if it's something you want? 

Are you still attracted to each other? You mentioned you operate well as parents and roommates in a sort of perfunctory way..

How long have things been cold in the bedroom? Is it possible your BF is stepping out? He seems quite checked out and unwilling to change.  

[Cat1203]

On 3/5/2024 at 10:45 AM, Belle2024 said:

I’ve been trying to get my partner(male) of 15 years to be more emotionally available. Everytime I try to tell him how I feel about something or what would be helpful in the relationship he always gets angry, dismissive, gaslights me, shift blames or will finally acknowledge but never follow through with actions. I am 40 years old (female) and there is zero intimacy. He doesn’t initiate it and I don’t either. I’ve told him I need to feel more connected emotionally before I can be physical again. Just last evening we were talking about our son, I got emotional talking about how much I love our son and started crying a little bit, he just looked off into space and didn’t seem to care I was crying, I told him, in times like this it would be nice if you offered some support, comfort, console or just showed you cared. He told me he doesn’t have to validate all my feelings, he’s said this multiple times now. Making me feel worse. Correct me if I am wrong but I don’t feel that it’s “validating” my feelings by caring about your partner and offering them a hug or some emotional support or empathy while they are emotional. And shouldn’t you want to validate your partners feelings anyways? 
Anyway, it’s been years of this. I do love him but I am 40 and not married, and trying to decide if I want the rest of my life to feel this way. Or if maybe I am asking too much from him. 
For context: I don’t ask for much. I just want to feel like my partner cares about how I feel. But being with him for so long, and having a 12 year old son together, makes things complicated. Any advice is helpful. Thank you. 

I would leave while you can!

im 21 years of age (female) I’ve just come out of a relationship where the man said he didn’t love me. I felt I was constantly asking for him to be emotionally available where he would not abuse me but ignore me and not communicate with me effectively and after 2 years of that I just started to get fed up and it affected my mental health and it still is now. I wish I left and had more self respect just because I loved him, but sometimes love is not enough.

if he doesn’t even have the basic respect after years together to even listen and help you as a partner, then to me he doesn’t even sound like a good person never mind a good partner. We do these things for friends even strangers! Never mind a partner! You sound like you also deserve better, so go and get better! It’ll be hard but you can do it

 

[yogacat]

You're in a tough spot.

He's a man who's not good with emotional relationships, but he’s also the father of your child, and you’re devoted to him. Since he does care for your child, he has a kind heart underneath his difficult behavior.  Any of the hurt and selfishness he's learned during his lifetime won’t help him to be the best partner for you. Absolutely zero excuses for not actively learning and trying to make improvements. And what severe emotional pain is he hiding off-screen?  Is he irritated by himself or angry in general and doesn’t know how to express that constructively? And if he’s dealing with stress or depression or anxiety, the moment you try to get through to him he feels overwhelmed and lashes out?  

All that doesn’t negate your own needs. We are in uncharted territory at 40. But sounds like you have your rational mind figured. But why all this self-flagellation? What is the real problem, in his opinion? Is it basically that you're hurt and want to stop yourself from hurting? Or that you're causing a scene and he doesn't like that? Something is backwards. Is he actually thinking he’s the one with the real emotional sensitivity and is being taken aback over how insensitive you're being in a way he’s having difficulty explaining?  Or are you?  It's hard to imagine where that would come from, but it's the only way I can see that he'd believe himself right here.  

Maybe I'm way off-base and he's the most macho, insensitive, callous, way before you help type guy ever. I only try to see the best reasons why we would be doing the worst things in life and harming those we say we love more than anything.  

It's very clear to me that he has a hard time understanding your emotional needs and has difficulty being there for you when you need it. This is a big issue in a relationship, especially one that has been going on for 15 years.  You have every right to want and expect emotional support from your partner. That's a basic aspect of any relationship, especially a romantic one. It's not asking too much for him to show concern and empathy for you. And it's certainly not wrong to want your feelings to be validated by your partner. That's a natural and important part of a healthy relationship. 

He just doesn't want to and I am afraid he'll never change. And worst of all is he doesn't believe he owes it to you, either. Always seems like he can make you do some understanding and the work for him and yet you would be wrong when you bring up problems or stand up for yourself. 

You know, 40 is a moment where he and you may have to figure allot out in a hurry. Do you have some family who would be worthy of leaning on for awhile? Just until you get through this emotional moment? I know that at 40, we want to take care of ourselves and be independent. But I also know how much you love your partner. And how much you care about making a good life for your child. But the truth is, you can't do it without some support. You have to figure out what would help you most. So you start planning to build on this. 

Rome wasn't built in a day. But it wasn't helped by no one. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Cat1203 said:

im 21 years of age (female) I’ve just come out of a relationship where the man said he didn’t love me. I felt I was constantly asking for him to be emotionally available where he would not abuse me but ignore me and not communicate with me

Hi Cat, first off I am very sorry your relationship didn't work and you made the right decision by leaving.

Secondly, you're very young and some sage advice moving forward in your future relationships - you should not have to ask and/or be constantly asking your partner to be "emotionally available."  That is an exercise in futility as you have discovered.

If a man is not emotionally available "with you," you asking him to do so is not gonna make a damn bit of difference, in fact chances are he will shut down more.  He is who he is "with you." 

At that point you have three choices.  (1) Either accept him "as is" and value and appreciate what he does give, (2) change your own reactions and responses or (3) leave the relationship.  

With another woman who wasn't constantly asking him (in HIS mind badgering him) for more support/validation or whatever she needs from him at any particular point in time, he might be completely different and more "available" to her simply by virtue of her accepting him AS IS, appreciating what he DOES give, and being more emotionally self-sufficient herself.

That does NOT mean he shouldn't be supportive during those unfortunate times when you truly need it, he should!  Of course he should.

I am speaking in the general, but I see and read so many stories of women complaining that their boyfriends are not emotionally available, rendering him an a-hole, a "commitmentphobe" or any number of equally derogatory adjectives.

But with their next girlfriend, they are a completely different man! Open and available with her.  Wanting to commit to her.

Why is that?

As stated earlier in the the thread, relationships are not about one person (in this case the man) being an insensitive a-hole and the woman an innocent victim.  It's takes TWO people to develop the dynamic they have established, how they relate and respond to "each other."

That includes you too, and how you relate, react and respond to HIM.  And in turn how he reacts to you.

I am not talking about abusive situations where a man (or woman) is being blatantly abusive, that is completely different and not what the OP's situation is about nor yours from what you've posted.

NO ONE is to blame here imo.  Again, it's about how both people relate and respond to each other.  It takes two people to "make" a relationship and with rare exceptions, two people to break it.

It's an important distinction imho.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're in a tough spot.

He's a man who's not good with emotional relationships, but he’s also the father of your child, and you’re devoted to him. Since he does care for your child, he has a kind heart underneath his difficult behavior.  Any of the hurt and selfishness he's learned during his lifetime won’t help him to be the best partner for you. Absolutely zero excuses for not actively learning and trying to make improvements. And what severe emotional pain is he hiding off-screen?  Is he irritated by himself or angry in general and doesn’t know how to express that constructively? And if he’s dealing with stress or depression or anxiety, the moment you try to get through to him he feels overwhelmed and lashes out?  

All that doesn’t negate your own needs. We are in uncharted territory at 40. But sounds like you have your rational mind figured. But why all this self-flagellation? What is the real problem, in his opinion? Is it basically that you're hurt and want to stop yourself from hurting? Or that you're causing a scene and he doesn't like that? Something is backwards. Is he actually thinking he’s the one with the real emotional sensitivity and is being taken aback over how insensitive you're being in a way he’s having difficulty explaining?  Or are you?  It's hard to imagine where that would come from, but it's the only way I can see that he'd believe himself right here.  

Maybe I'm way off-base and he's the most macho, insensitive, callous, way before you help type guy ever. I only try to see the best reasons why we would be doing the worst things in life and harming those we say we love more than anything.  

It's very clear to me that he has a hard time understanding your emotional needs and has difficulty being there for you when you need it. This is a big issue in a relationship, especially one that has been going on for 15 years.  You have every right to want and expect emotional support from your partner. That's a basic aspect of any relationship, especially a romantic one. It's not asking too much for him to show concern and empathy for you. And it's certainly not wrong to want your feelings to be validated by your partner. That's a natural and important part of a healthy relationship. 

He just doesn't want to and I am afraid he'll never change. And worst of all is he doesn't believe he owes it to you, either. Always seems like he can make you do some understanding and the work for him and yet you would be wrong when you bring up problems or stand up for yourself. 

You know, 40 is a moment where he and you may have to figure allot out in a hurry. Do you have some family who would be worthy of leaning on for awhile? Just until you get through this emotional moment? I know that at 40, we want to take care of ourselves and be independent. But I also know how much you love your partner. And how much you care about making a good life for your child. But the truth is, you can't do it without some support. You have to figure out what would help you most. So you start planning to build on this. 

Rome wasn't built in a day. But it wasn't helped by no one. 

This is so beautiful and so well thought out. OP I hope you feel the same.

[Cat1203]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Cat, first off I am very sorry your relationship didn't work and you made the right decision by leaving.

Secondly, you're very young and some sage advice moving forward in your future relationships - you should not have to ask and/or be constantly asking your partner to be "emotionally available."  That is an exercise in futility as you have discovered.

If a man is not emotionally available "with you," you asking him to do so is not gonna make a damn bit of difference, in fact chances are he will shut down more.  He is who he is "with you." 

At that point you have three choices.  (1) Either accept him "as is" and value and appreciate what he does give, (2) change your own reactions and responses or (3) leave the relationship.  

With another woman who wasn't constantly asking him (in HIS mind badgering him) for more support/validation or whatever she needs from him at any particular point in time, he might be completely different and more "available" to her simply by virtue of her accepting him AS IS, appreciating what he DOES give, and being more emotionally self-sufficient herself.

That does NOT mean he shouldn't be supportive during those unfortunate times when you truly need it, he should!  Of course he should.

I am speaking in the general, but I see and read so many stories of women complaining that their boyfriends are not emotionally available, rendering him an a-hole, a "commitmentphobe" or any number of equally derogatory adjectives.

But with their next girlfriend, they are a completely different man! Open and available with her.  Wanting to commit to her.

Why is that?

As stated earlier in the the thread, relationships are not about one person (in this case the man) being an insensitive a-hole and the woman an innocent victim.  It's takes TWO people to develop the dynamic they have established, how they relate and respond to "each other."

That includes you too, and how you relate, react and respond to HIM.  And in turn how he reacts to you.

I am not talking about abusive situations where a man (or woman) is being blatantly abusive, that is completely different and not what the OP's situation is about nor yours from what you've posted.

NO ONE is to blame here imo.  Again, it's about how both people relate and respond to each other.  It takes two people to "make" a relationship and with rare exceptions, two people to break it.

It's an important distinction imho.

 

 

 

Yeah course that’s the case. But it didn’t work as it was just poor communication as well. Don’t really want someone who’s going to ignore me for 2 days to respond, even with just normal communication without communicating anything. 

It might take two to create a dynamic but doesn’t mean it takes 2 to keep that dynamic I believe.  it can take 1 for it to breakdown, one person can’t keep it afloat all the time and that was the case in mine. Bending over constantly to meet his needs neglecting mine which is my own fault and a mistake I’ve realised. It doesn’t just take two to make a relationship if one isn’t in, that’s it. One person can break the relationship. I’m not stating he’s an arsehole for being emotionally available but when you’re in a relationship you should be able to work on giving that, and that wasn’t the case in mine. 

[Cat1203]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Cat, first off I am very sorry your relationship didn't work and you made the right decision by leaving.

Secondly, you're very young and some sage advice moving forward in your future relationships - you should not have to ask and/or be constantly asking your partner to be "emotionally available."  That is an exercise in futility as you have discovered.

If a man is not emotionally available "with you," you asking him to do so is not gonna make a damn bit of difference, in fact chances are he will shut down more.  He is who he is "with you." 

At that point you have three choices.  (1) Either accept him "as is" and value and appreciate what he does give, (2) change your own reactions and responses or (3) leave the relationship.  

With another woman who wasn't constantly asking him (in HIS mind badgering him) for more support/validation or whatever she needs from him at any particular point in time, he might be completely different and more "available" to her simply by virtue of her accepting him AS IS, appreciating what he DOES give, and being more emotionally self-sufficient herself.

That does NOT mean he shouldn't be supportive during those unfortunate times when you truly need it, he should!  Of course he should.

I am speaking in the general, but I see and read so many stories of women complaining that their boyfriends are not emotionally available, rendering him an a-hole, a "commitmentphobe" or any number of equally derogatory adjectives.

But with their next girlfriend, they are a completely different man! Open and available with her.  Wanting to commit to her.

Why is that?

As stated earlier in the the thread, relationships are not about one person (in this case the man) being an insensitive a-hole and the woman an innocent victim.  It's takes TWO people to develop the dynamic they have established, how they relate and respond to "each other."

That includes you too, and how you relate, react and respond to HIM.  And in turn how he reacts to you.

I am not talking about abusive situations where a man (or woman) is being blatantly abusive, that is completely different and not what the OP's situation is about nor yours from what you've posted.

NO ONE is to blame here imo.  Again, it's about how both people relate and respond to each other.  It takes two people to "make" a relationship and with rare exceptions, two people to break it.

It's an important distinction imho.

 

 

 

But I do agree about the asking for it, as I can imagine at times I did come across at criticising but that’s just cause I wanted more reassurance and for it to work. I just wanted to feel loved as I loved him, and for him to be that boyfriend to give me that as I felt that’s what partners do and what I wanted. So I am aware of my actions with that and it’s something I’m gonna work on x