Took a 10 day break because of stress, crying 2 days after we're talking again

[RileyWren]

TLDR: We just got done with a 10 day break because things were too stressful. The day we start talking again, things are fine. I'd previously booked a flight to see him (we are 7 hours long distance) that left the next day. That day, we agreed it would be ok for me to fly and see him. Today, he asks me to cancel the ticket. I'm crushed - am I being too pushy?

LOTS of background here. 

He and I have dated for about 5 years. It was all really good, until he started emotionally cheating on me with my roommate. I broke up with him over this in July 2023. We slowly got back into contact, then started dating again in October. It was tough because now, we were a 7 hour drive apart from one another. However, I still really enjoyed spending time with him, talking to him, etc. I was happier than I had been in months. 

In January, that same roommate reached out and let me know that he had been dating her since June, and they had been seeing each other off and on that whole time. I had a trip scheduled to see him in the next few days for a week, so was trying desperately to think what to do. I ultimately ended up seeing him, we talked it through, and we decided on some steps that I would need him to do in order to trust him again in the relationship. 

He does some of these steps, like share his location. He does not do a lot of them. He shares his location with me and has blocked my roommate, but he does not share passwords with me, indicate commitment in a public way with me (ex., no tagging, no name in instagram bio), etc. This bothered me, because it reminded me of how he treated my roommate - she says that he made her block me, that he didn't tell his parents about her, that they generally hid their relationship. I expressed this to him, and asked him to put me in his instagram bio while we were having a conversation about how "men don't talk about their girlfriends at work." He said he didn't understand why I wanted that.

Around mid-February, he calls me and wants to break up because he feels like he is not changing enough. I tell him that change is a gradual process, and that we are both willing to try. Around this time, I was looking to buy tickets to see him over my spring break. After we had that conversation, he agrees that he would like to see me. I was also planning on making a drive to see him that weekend, and now felt even more compelled to, to try and rebuild this relationship. I made the 7 hour drive to see him. I am in graduate school, and it is a LOT of work to arrange my schedule to do this over the weekend. While I was with him, I asked him about this again. He was frustrated, and again thought it was silly. He put my name on his profile, begrudgingly, then chastised me for why I wanted to start a fight right before I was getting ready to leave. 

When I got back home, I tried to apologize, but he was extremely cold in his texts. The next morning, the stress of school, my relationship, and some other personal matters got to me, and I texted him asking for a break for 10 days. He agreed. We did not call or text, and during the break he removed all photos of me from his social media. 

Yesterday, we talked for the first time. I had been mentally preparing for a break-up, but to my surprise, it seemed like we both just wanted to see how things felt. We both knew that I had these tickets to see him - I said I thought I wanted to see him, and he said that while he wanted to take things slow getting back into it, that if I really wanted to take the flight, I could. Just like before, I have worked my schedule around this flight extensively. 

That night, he went out with his co-workers to a bar. He apparently got so drunk one of his co-workers had to drive him home. He refers to this person with "they" pronouns in texts - it makes me think it was a girl. (I have an awful habit of thinking the worst happened here, but I don't think that's right).

Anyways, today he texts me that he's sick. I figure he means hungover. Near the time of my flight, I call him to make sure he's still onboard. He says I should cancel the flight, he's not in a state to host me (stating he thinks he is actually sick), and that we are rushing things. I say ok, say some niceties about him feeling better, end the call, and cry. I call him back a few minutes later, asking him again if it would be ok if I came. He stands firm. I again say ok, end the call, and cry. 

I feel so frustrated because this is literally the day after the break ended. I text and apologize for making this a bigger deal than it needed to be. What would you do? Am I crazy for thinking he's faking being sick? How do you rebuild trust in LDRs?

[Batya33]

I think there’s nothing here to rebuild. I’m sorry. He’s focused on getting drunk and he’s unreliable. You shouldn’t have to beg him to see you. 

[Capricorn3]

I agree with Batya33.  This guy seems to be all over the place, and none of it in a good way.  I can't help but feel you can do so much better.  Five years in and it doesn't look like it's heading to happier times (sorry).  Add to that, the biggest factor here is lack of trust - without trust you have nothing.  I would make a clean break, once and for all.  Take time off to grieve and then look for local people to date.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, RileyWren said:

 we are 7 hours long distance that left the next day. That day, we agreed it would be ok for me to fly and see him. Today, he asks me to cancel the ticket. He and I have dated for about 5 years. It was all really good, until he started emotionally cheating on me with my roommate.

Sorry this is happening. Why is it long distance? Did either of you take a job or go to university at that distance? 

He has cheated on you? Please discontinue policing his every activity It won't prevent more cheating or build trust.

Unfortunately your relationship sounds quite unhappy and toxic. Please consider setting yourself free to date local honest decent men who you can see regularly and build a relationship with. 

[smackie9]

You need a self check. Why do you insist on clawing your way to keep this thing alive when he is obviously not in it to win it.

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  I couldn't read all of it.

When you say "dating," what exactly does that mean?   Going on dates?  Or flirting over the Internet or text?

I have to ask because he's doing it with your roommate behind your back, which seems technically impossible especially since he lives 7 hours away from you.

In any case, this "relationship," whatever it actually consists of, is a toxic waste dump with no hope.  Sorry.   But he has shown you in at least half a dozen very blatant ways that he does not want what you do.

[MissCanuck]

Girl. This guy does not want to be with you. 

He should have the decency to properly break up with you, but it is more than obvious that he is not that into you. And honestly, I can't figure out why you're so desperate to hang on to him. He is not a good guy and it was a mistake to get back together after you found out he cheated on you. 

Let him go. It is a waste of time to try to keep this dead relationship alive. There is no future here. Please, cut this off and take time to heal. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/2/2024 at 7:21 PM, RileyWren said:

How do you rebuild trust in LDRs?

He's never given you any reason TO trust him.

You are far more invested in a relationship with him than he is with you. Someone asking me to cancel a flight the morning of a trip would be the end for me, but in this case, I would have been done with this guy a long time ago.