We have trouble in communicating

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Two different things. I knew I didn't have enough romantic chemistry if by the 4th date I didn't have a desire to kiss the person or enjoy kissing him.  It depends what you mean by the vague word "connection".  If I enjoyed hanging out with the person and talking to the person I kept dating him. If I didn't, I stopped.

I see. Well, when we plan outdoor dates it's really boring, but when we plan indoor dates (watching a movie etc) we have a really great time. Maybe because we are not forced to have to constantly talk to each other.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. Well, when we plan outdoor dates it's really boring, but when we plan indoor dates (watching a movie etc) we have a really great time. Maybe because we are not forced to have to constantly talk to each other.

What are you doing in public dates? Why does that force constant talk? You've known him 13 days. How many dates have you gone on? Also did you communicate about birth control, STDs and how you each feel about accidental pregnancies? You're so focused on communication so surely you communicated about health issues right?

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What are you doing in public dates? You've known him 13 days. How many dates have you gone on? Also did you communicate about birth control, STDs and how you each feel about accidental pregnancies? You're so focused on communication so surely you communicated about health issues right?

Yeah, we've discussed these things. We've been on 5 dates. We go for a coffee or a drink. Or watch a movie indoors.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, we've discussed these things. We've been on 5 dates. We go for a coffee or a drink. Or watch a movie indoors.

How about activities -go hiking, to a museum, to a concert, a picnic in a park.  Go bowling, do karaoke maybe whatever.  I'm glad you discussed the health issues.  

If after 5 dates you're bored I think it's time to move on from dating him.  If you are a person who enjoys meeting up for sex and he's into that too that is an option of course.

[MissCanuck]

How open do you expect someone to be when you've only known each other 14 days?

You are still essentially strangers to each other. I get that you have now slept together, but that doesn't necessarily equate to emotional intimacy. 

 

[Andrina]

When people share chemistry, are really enjoying each other's company, this honeymoon period should feel like you're on overdrive, heady with excitement. Being bored is a clear sign this isn't the right relationship for you.

[catfeeder]

The main goal of dating is to screen out incompatible matches rather than attempt to form a relationship with everyone you date, no matter how uncomfortable you are with them.

When I don’t enjoy my conversations with a man, that’s a clear sign to me that we’re not a good match, and I stop seeing him. The fact is, most people are NOT a good match, so allowing them to pass early frees you to find someone with whom you can enjoy simpatico. The key word there is ‘enjoy,’ as opposed to struggle through boredom.

[Jaunty]

Chemistry is pretty easy for me to recognize right off the bat. For me personally, if it's not there, it's not going to develop.  Who knows, maybe it would, given time - but without the chemistry I have never been motivated enough to keep going.  At this point, those ships have sailed, as I am in a permanent relationship. 

Other people have a much different experience;  if they are getting to know someone and like them, chemistry can develop over time.  

Compatibility is different.  People have to spend time together to see if that is in place.

And then there is the whole world of values, lifestyle choices, future vision, etc.  You cannot know how these will align unless you BOTH want to take the TIME to learn.

You may not be doing yourself any favors by having sex early on in these situations.   It doesn't seem like you are reading what's going on.   It's like you think that if you meet a guy (or not even meet - just connect online) and he says certain phrases to you, that means that you are now automatically going to be a couple. 

This is not how it works. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Chemistry is pretty easy for me to recognize right off the bat. For me personally, if it's not there, it's not going to develop.  Who knows, maybe it would, given time - but without the chemistry I have never been motivated enough to keep going.  At this point, those ships have sailed, as I am in a permanent relationship. 

Other people have a much different experience;  if they are getting to know someone and like them, chemistry can develop over time.  

Compatibility is different.  People have to spend time together to see if that is in place.

And then there is the whole world of values, lifestyle choices, future vision, etc.  You cannot know how these will align unless you BOTH want to take the TIME to learn.

You may not be doing yourself any favors by having sex early on in these situations.   It doesn't seem like you are reading what's going on.   It's like you think that if you meet a guy (or not even meet - just connect online) and he says certain phrases to you, that means that you are now automatically going to be a couple. 

This is not how it works. 

 

Yes- I know of happily married couples where that romantic spark took a couple of dates to develop or they were friends first and then out of the blue seemingly -fireworks! For me I needed at least the potential for a spark and certainly not to be bored etc.  Sometimes if I was kinda bored and there was a reason for it- how we met/not feeling great etc I'd give it one more chance but the conversation had to be interesting and enjoyable.  

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you all for your comments! I would like to ask one question: How do you know when you don't have chemistry with the other person and when it's simply too soon to have developed a connection with the other person?

When I first met my husband I didn't have "chemistry" with him. I met him when I asked him for help with a homework assignment.  The next time we spoke I asked him for a ride somewhere.  From there we spent more and more time together.  We obviously got along very well.  We would literally stay up all night talking.  Things didn't get romantic until we'd known one another for about three months.  But we got along.  Very well.  We talked and talked and talked.  No awkward silences or scrambling trying to think of something to say.

I have found whenever I can't think of something to say to someone it means we just aren't connecting.

[Batya33]

I agree with Bolt. Also when you do know someone well you also have comfortable silences. That’s also a way of connecting because you’re comfortable enough together that you also enjoy or feel comfortable just being in the same room and talking or not talking. 
I met a new person last summer because our kids were going to start a new high school together. She’s nice on text. In person - just - cold. Passive.  Asked me nothing about me yet we have a lot in common. It was forced and awkward.
We still actually chat well on text and we do at times. But I accepted that there’s no friendship connection. I saw her months later at a school event and politely said hi and introduced her to my friend. Same thing. Cold. Polite. And this time I was polite but didn’t try to draw her out. I accepted the limits of our interaction.
And felt validated when last weekend I saw in person a mom whose son is friends with my son. Hadn’t seen each other in a year and we talked and talked like no time had passed -because we each were interested in hearing about what the other had been up to. It’s that simple. you will know when you feel comfortable in your own skin in someone else’s presence. Not limited to dating at all. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Do you believe that having been on 5 dates is too soon for us to have established a good way of communicating?

5 dates was probably enough for you to recognize that the two of you were not connecting well.   Plenty of time to realize that it was not a "match" and to move on.

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Was it too soon to get sexual with him?

Of course ... any time would be "too soon" if you were not getting in the groove of good rapport first, and also feeling very confident about that (IF your goal is a relationship).

You can't force this, and you really need to NOT try to talk about FEELINGS with a guy you've spent a few hours with in your lifetime.   In healthy relationships, feelings develop over TIME and shared experiences.

If you just want to have sex, no, no time is "too soon."  It's just sex.  

Are you comfortable with that?  Because you are behaving as if you are.

 

[Jaunty]

For clarity - you have been on 5 dates with this guy, and had sex only one time?  On the last date?  

 

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

For clarity - you have been on 5 dates with this guy, and had sex only one time?  On the last date?  

 

Yes.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

I've been going out with a guy for about 2 weeks. We've been in 5 days and I've observed that we have a difficulty maintaining a conversation. 

How did you meet? How old is he? How much do you have in common? 

He is away now? It's seems he's not the type of talker or texter you would prefer. 

Even though you have good sexual chemistry, it doesn't seem like you have much compatibility. 

If you would like to continue a sort of hookup type situationship because of sexual chemistry that's fine. However he doesn't seem to want more or dating or a relationship. 

[Jaunty]

Do you see how you got it backwards?  IF you are looking for a relationship that will be healthy and fulfilling for both people - you would not respond to 4 lackluster dates and a couple of weeks of "conversations" that fall flat by having sex with the guy.

I read where you posted that you thought this would increase your communication.  What gave you that idea?  Even though you have little to no dating experience, you found your way here.  I think one of the top 5 most common complaints from women who post here are in the category of "HE WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR ONE THING."   

Sex happens, and guy fades (or even runs) away.   

It's not the way to progress a relationship with a person who is already showing you very clearly that he's not very interested.  

 

[Jaunty]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

BUT, my advice is give it more time.  It's only been two weeks!  Give him, give you both a chance to feel more comfortable with each other. 

But ... the guy has really shown no interest in her so far.   4 dates, poor conversation, not responding to texts.  

One time of having sex where according to OP he behaved like he was interested ... but guys who want sex generally are into it while having sex, right?

And now back to low interest.

Why give this more time?  
 

edited to add:  

Also, this is the THIRD guy in less than a month with whom the OP has followed the same trajectory.   What makes this time “special” in your opinion?  

[boltnrun]

Do you believe you have to turn EVERY man you meet into a relationship?

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

But ... the guy has really shown no interest in her so far.   4 dates, poor conversation, not responding to texts.  

One time of having sex where according to OP he behaved like he was interested ... but guys who want sex generally are into it while having sex, right?

And now back to low interest.

Why give this more time?  

Well, he texted me today to see how I'm doing, but during the last 4 hours we've discussed pretty basic stuff, like what I did today and how his trip was. And it's like that every time. It's not that he's not trying, it's that we fail to have an interesting conversation. It's the same during our dates.

[AGrPerson]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Do you believe you have to turn EVERY man you meet into a relationship?

No I do not. But since I haven't been in a relationship, I fail to recognize how it should be, or when it's too early to give up on someone.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

No I do not. But since I haven't been in a relationship, I fail to recognize how it should be, or when it's too early to give up on someone.

If you don't hit it off personality-wise, it's OK to move on and go on dates with other men.  You seem to have a pattern of thinking you need to make every man you date into a relationship, and you hold on even when it's clear there are either red flags or incompatibilities.

There are literally millions of men in the world.  Simple math shows clearly that most of them are not right for us.  But the good news is, there are dozens of men who WOULD be right for you.  But you'll meet none of them as long as you insist on trying to force relationships with men who are not the right ones.

[AGrPerson]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You've been on five dates, correct?  And last night was the first time you had sex?

What happened after the sex, did you cuddle together?  Spend the night together?

If so, was he comfortable doing that?

What have you done on the other four dates?  If there was very little talking, even just the basic stuff, what did you do?  Or talk about?  Or was your time together spent in total silence?

Bottom line, if you're unhappy or bored, it's okay to end things. 

 

Yeah we cuddled together and slept till morning. He's really comfortable with cuddles, hugs and showing his affection.

We've talked about several things like what we seek ideally from the other person, our backstory, what we do for a living, hobbies etc.

The thing is that there are many time when it feels awkward or times were we are in total silence. And that's something that happens when we are on dates outside. When we're indoors things are much more comfortable, we are more open with each other.

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yeah, the ex I mentioned in my first post was the same.  There was a lot of sexual chemistry between us but verbally, he just couldn't open up. 

Not sure if this relates but he was a doctor and scientist.  Very cerebral thinking person.  Not emotionally expressive at all. 

I'm speaking generally, of course NOT all scientists/doctors are this way, but with him, given his occupation (ER trauma doctor), he learned to be emotionally removed and it carried over to his personal life. 

Or it was simply his nature and thus being a trauma doctor suited him.

Anyway, because of the chemistry and great sex, I stayed for four months but then realized I'd rather be doing other things rather than be with him (outside the bedroom) so I ended it.  

He cried, that was the first time he ever displayed any real emotion with me, orher than sexually.

I don't know what to tell you except go with your feelings.  Again, it's only been two weeks after all..

 

 

 

Yeah, he's comfortable with showing affection like kissing, hugging, or holding hands, but he's not good at keeping up a conversation, or saying what's on his mind. You could also say that he's not very expressive either.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Do you believe that having been on 5 dates is too soon for us to have established a good way of communicating?

No, some people hit it off with good conversations right away. That's called 'simpatico' or 'compatibility' in communication. It doesn't automatically mean that everything else aligns, like values, goals for dating, and other important factors that could be dealbreakers no matter how well people might like one another. But 5 dates of awkwardness? IMO, that's needless suffering for zero payoff. I'd cut my losses and move on to meet someone more fun.

Quote

Was it too soon to get sexual with him?

It's not about counting the numbers of dates, it's about establishing the kind of compatibility and trust that makes you WANT to get sexual. Anyone can take off their clothes. But if you're not even comfortable enough with a person to enjoy their conversation, then getting naked with them isn't exactly inspiring. At least, for me.

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, he's comfortable with showing affection like kissing, hugging, or holding hands, but he's not good at keeping up a conversation, or saying what's on his mind. You could also say that he's not very expressive either.

Well, if you're not willing to pass on him in favor of finding someone who is better for you, you can try to encourage him to be more interactive rather than taking your comments at face value and going silent. For instance, you can follow the things you say with questions, such as, "What are your thoughts about that?" "How do you feel about that?" If he responds with one word answers, like "Fine." or "Good." then you can follow with questions like, "What do you think is good about it?" "What might be some down sides that I should consider?"