Ongoing issues with ex neighbour

[CrazyWife]

I stay in the UK and in the space of a week and a half, I have seen an abusive ex partner at my work along with dealing with an overly aggressive patient at my work (I work in healthcare). Management aware of ex partner and getting support from them. 

To top off this, I see my ex neighbour from hell who shouted abuse at me. He looked shocked to see me and waited until he was past me to shout "f**king b*tch". Didn't have the guts to say it to my face. 

We moved not that long ago but didn't move far but to a nicer area. For over two years we put up with antisocial behaviour. Contacting police, antisocial behaviour teams, housing and solicitor. 

I dread seeing this neighbour again as don't know what to do if he says anything. Do I retaliate by calling him something back? I have kept a log of it but just want to move on. My friends have suggested that I just let it go and report it to police if it occurs again. 

My defences are down enough due toy week and a half of dealing with a*shoes and I have to deal with this too? I am engaging with a counsellor at the moment so will chat with her next week. I'm just kicking myself as feel that I have shown him he can do that without me saying anything back. But never had a chance anyway as he walked away as I turned around. 

My neighbour never abused me when I lived there but obviously pissed off about something. He is deranged. I'm overthinking this and going over and over it in my head. Maybe I do need to let it go but worry about being out with my child and abuse starting. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're upset.  How often will you have to see the ex neighbor? He doesn't know where you live now, right?

[CrazyWife]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're upset.  How often will you have to see the ex neighbor? He doesn't know where you live now, right?

No he doesn't know where I stay. This occurred outside a nearby supermarket. Don't know when I would see him next to be honest. He looked startled seeing me. Maybe he thought I moved countries or something lol

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

No he doesn't know where I stay. This occurred outside a nearby supermarket. Don't know when I would see him next to be honest. He looked startled seeing me. Maybe he thought I moved countries or something lol

So then -why not just let it go? It's all good now.  You moved away. If you see him it will be in a public place where you can get help or leave if needed.  And isn't likely to happen.  

[CrazyWife]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So then -why not just let it go? It's all good now.  You moved away. If you see him it will be in a public place where you can get help or leave if needed.  And isn't likely to happen.  

Maybe I'm letting my anxiety get the better of me. I do still need to go by my old area where I stayed for my daughter's school but never seen him. 

I just wonder with situations like that, are you better just ignoring rather than saying something back? 

[Batya33]

Just now, CrazyWife said:

Maybe I'm letting my anxiety get the better of me. I do still need to go by my old area where I stayed for my daughter's school but never seen him. 

I just wonder with situations like that, are you better just ignoring rather than saying something back? 

Much better idea to ignore especially if your daughter is with you.  Please don't escalate with someone who appears unstable.  I understand you are anxious - time for self-talk to remind yourself this in the past.  And it's very different contextually now if you run into him.

[Seraphim]

Responding re starts the crazy and keeps it going. Ignore it . 

[CrazyWife]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Much better idea to ignore especially if your daughter is with you.  Please don't escalate with someone who appears unstable.  I understand you are anxious - time for self-talk to remind yourself this in the past.  And it's very different contextually now if you run into him.

Yeah I was on tender hooks around my old house. I tell myself if this was a year from now I would just be thinking how pathetic he is. 

I wouldn't want my daughter seeing me get into an argument with an a**hole anyways but working in healthcare and behaving like that out in the street, I wouldn't do myself any favours but cause issues for myself. 

[CrazyWife]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Responding re starts the crazy and keeps it going. Ignore it . 

He was completely behaving like a child today. What adult walks by someone and then screams abuse? He couldn't say it to my face. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

He was completely behaving like a child today. What adult walks by someone and then screams abuse? He couldn't say it to my face. 

Doesn’t matter, you don’t need to act like him. Right ? Especially not with your child around.

[CrazyWife]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Doesn’t matter, you don’t need to act like him. Right ? Especially not with your child around.

Yeah best just leaving him to his sad life. No decent person would behave like that. 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

Yeah best just leaving him to his sad life. No decent person would behave like that. 

Right but you're giving him so much power over you right now-why?

[CrazyWife]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Right but you're giving him so much power over you right now-why?

It's what I have the tendency to do. But I know I shouldn't as he took souch for two years. I never deserved any of it but he did it anyway. 

I need to realise that worrying so much about d*cks gets me nowhere. You are right, he is getting all this power over me by me thinking like this. 

[Seraphim]

You are also teaching to your daughter by letting him rent space in your head. 

[CrazyWife]

9 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You are also teaching to your daughter by letting him rent space in your head. 

He is unfortunately taking up a lot of time in my head. I shouldn't let him as got more important things to focus on

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

It's what I have the tendency to do. But I know I shouldn't as he took souch for two years. I never deserved any of it but he did it anyway. 

I need to realise that worrying so much about d*cks gets me nowhere. You are right, he is getting all this power over me by me thinking like this. 

I have the tendency to do several things that are not so healthy/not in my best interests -especially when I am tired or under stress -part of adulting and life - so what are you go to tools when you have to make choices to ignore or make a different choice when you these thoughts you have the tendency to have enter  your head?

[CrazyWife]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I have the tendency to do several things that are not so healthy/not in my best interests -especially when I am tired or under stress -part of adulting and life - so what are you go to tools when you have to make choices to ignore or make a different choice when you these thoughts you have the tendency to have enter  your head?

Spend time with friends, maybe do more meditation, thought records sheets where I challenge my unhelpful thoughts, journalling perhaps.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

Spend time with friends, maybe do more meditation, thought records sheets where I challenge my unhelpful thoughts, journalling perhaps.

I'd do more that involves getting out of my own head - spend time with friends is great if you don't dwell on your focus on past neighbors.

[CrazyWife]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd do more that involves getting out of my own head - spend time with friends is great if you don't dwell on your focus on past neighbors.

I was with friends today and chose not to discuss my ex neighbour as wanted to speak about other things 

[catfeeder]

I understand that you were startled. You already know he’s deranged, so think of him as someone else’s patient, and NEVER escalate by retaliating. Not only could you raise violence, but the people around you can already surmise that the guy has mental illness based on his behavior. Well, what would it say about you if you match his behavior?

If you walked the streets of a city and a beggar called out after you walked by, would you turn around to start a confrontation with him, or would you keep walking? This is the same thing, only you know where he lives.

You speak of caring for an abusive patient, and you’re able to keep a professional mind while doing so, or else you’d lose your job. So why not apply the same skills here?

Head high, and enjoy your new home. Don’t allow a passing incident to rob you of your focus.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

I was with friends today and chose not to discuss my ex neighbour as wanted to speak about other things 

Right -very good!

[CrazyWife]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I understand that you were startled. You already know he’s deranged, so think of him as someone else’s patient, and NEVER escalate by retaliating. Not only could you raise violence, but the people around you can already surmise that the guy has mental illness based on his behavior. Well, what would it say about you if you match his behavior?

If you walked the streets of a city and a beggar called out after you walked by, would you turn around to start a confrontation with him, or would you keep walking? This is the same thing, only you know where he lives.

You speak of caring for an abusive patient, and you’re able to keep a professional mind while doing so, or else you’d lose your job. So why not apply the same skills here?

Head high, and enjoy your new home. Don’t allow a passing incident to rob you of your focus.

I was thinking of dealing with it as I would my patients. I work in a psych ward. I can get abuse on a daily basis but deal with it as calmly as possible. 

I think my issue is overthinking the whole thing. I worry about further episodes or violence from him or his associates. I maybe need to let it go. 

I didn't move too far from him but far enough. The city I stay in isn't too big unfortunately. 

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

I was thinking of dealing with it as I would my patients. I work in a psych ward. I can get abuse on a daily basis but deal with it as calmly as possible. 

I think my issue is overthinking the whole thing. I worry about further episodes or violence from him or his associates. I maybe need to let it go. 

I didn't move too far from him but far enough. The city I stay in isn't too big unfortunately. 

I hear. Most cities have more than one grocery store. Why not do an Internet search of stores on the other side of you, and further away from him?

This doesn't mean that you can't ever go back to the store where you saw him, but for the time being, until you start feeling less afraid, you might find more pleasant shopping places. So the outcome would be that you made this pay off in your favor. It pushed you out of your 'comfort zone,' so to speak, to find something even better.

[CrazyWife]

55 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. Most cities have more than one grocery store. Why not do an Internet search of stores on the other side of you, and further away from him?

This doesn't mean that you can't ever go back to the store where you saw him, but for the time being, until you start feeling less afraid, you might find more pleasant shopping places. So the outcome would be that you made this pay off in your favor. It pushed you out of your 'comfort zone,' so to speak, to find something even better.

I wasn't using this grocery store at the time but walking past it as that's where I stop on public transport but I guess I can change that up too until I feel more comfortable again. 

[catfeeder]

49 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

I wasn't using this grocery store at the time but walking past it as that's where I stop on public transport but I guess I can change that up too until I feel more comfortable again. 

Good! Consider that this is the only time you’ve crossed paths since your move, so your odds are low of seeing him again. Also note that rather than confront you directly, he chose to just throw an insult over his shoulder. So given an opportunity to try to harm you, he did not. If you see him again, pretend you don’t recognize him, and move away without interacting. I think you can let this go without ruminating further, and chalk off the overthinking as having been triggered by your startle response.