Help, new to this

[Pqrst]

Hi, I’m new here!

I have a conundrum, I am 28 years old and gay, I have never been in a relationship with any gender. I am out to friends but not family.

I met someone on tinder, he’s a few years younger but mature, has a masters degree and works in a professional role.

we spoke for a few days and met up, went for a drive, got coffee and listened to music, a month later, we’ve gone out, hung out a lot, however we’ve not kissed, or done anything more, however he would drop hints like “I hope you don’t snore because if you do I will smother you with a pillow” and similar comments while we banter.

when we started messaged we asked what the other is looking for, and both agreed to go with the flow, that way there is no pressure. (His tinder profile did say “still figuring it out”).

so I sent a well worded text stating that I like him and just wanted to know whether he was on the same flow as me, and reassured him I’m not asking for a relationship or commitment right now and if there isn’t a mutual feeling then I’m better knowing now so these feelings can be worked off.

he responded stating he does like me and he is interested in me, however he made a promise to himself to better his finances and his MH and he isn’t sure what a relationship would do to that at this moment. 
 

I reassured stating that I am happy just to know that we are on the same wavelength, and reassured I am there with regard to his Mental Health and evidenced my support to achieving his life goals.

since then we’ve gotten on as normal, continuing with the flow.

my question is: How do I work towards convincing a relationship with me will not affect his goals and his MH.

what do I have to do or show?

flirting etc what can I do?

again never been in a relationship ever.

[Batya33]

Never convince anyone to be with you in a relationship and I wouldn't offer to help him with mental health goals -you are not his parent or therapist and you met him recently.  This has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  You are not on the same wavelength. He told you he is not available for a relationship.  Tell him to contact you when he feels he is ready.  And then if you're still interested and available you'll consider it. 

I had very intense professional and career goals starting at age 15 or so.  As an adult all of the men I dated were incredibly ambitious and with strong professional goals and work ethics.  When we wanted to be in relationships we were. My dad was a professional who struggled with mental health illnesses.  He was married for 62 years to my mother.  It was so so hard on my mother and I know if on top of that she'd have had to "convince" him to be with her it never would have worked. 

He badly wanted to be married to our mother and start a family so he worked on his mental health on his own and of course with the support of his wife and mother of his children.  When they were dating she was supportive of course but never in trying to convince him to be with her.  My dad had intense professional goals starting at 18 -he did this all on his own and also made time to be with my mom -because people move towards pleasure and away from pain.

Please move on - you can find  a person who is available for a relationship in general and specifically with you.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Pqrst said:

he responded stating he does like me and he is interested in me, however he made a promise to himself to better his finances and his MH and he isn’t sure what a relationship would do to that at this moment. How do I work towards convincing a relationship with me will not affect his goals and his MH.

He does seem to like you, however he's pretty clear and upfront about not wanting a relationship. Unfortunately you can't convince someone to have a relationship with you. It seems he's using the "it's me not you" explanation to avoid a relationship. 

[catfeeder]

Before you can operate in your own best interests, you'll need to get clarity about what you want. Specifically. Then you can meet people with THAT goal in mind, and you can communicate clearly and up front what your goal is for dating.

If your goal is to seek someone for a long term relationship, then don't agree to play in the same sandbox with anyone who merely wants to nibble around the edges of 'casual' dating. That will drive you nuts and turn you manipulative to try to 'get' them to share your goal. It won't work.

When someone puts any kind of excuse or conditions in front of seeing you, thank them for their honesty, let them know that you would like to hear from them if they ever decide that a relationship is something they would like to pursue with you, and move on to meet more people. Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. So set up a bunch of quick meets over coffee on your way home from work, be up front with your goals with everyone you meet, and only date the people who's goals align with your own.

Allow bad matches to pass early.

[smackie9]

Those excuses are not what is stopping him from commitment. He just doesn't want it. He's interested in getting between the sheets with you and nothing more. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Pqrst said:

How do I work towards convincing a relationship with me will not affect his goals and his MH.

The short answer? You don't. 

You shouldn't need to convince someone to be with you. You also have no way of knowing how  a relationship would affect these areas of his life, so you aren't in any position to convince him otherwise. He knows himself best. 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems he's using the "it's me not you" explanation to avoid a relationship. 

And this is where he's really at, OP. He knows you like him, but it appears he is only looking for something casual with you. Not a relationship. I would take a pass on this guy.