Don’t know how to feel

[Legitafter2]

This is a long one with a lot of backstory but need some help sorting out my feelings.

 

unfortunately this one doesn’t start out good. I was married for 5 years and the relationship wasn’t going well, not that this is an excuse for what I did. I found some one in a similar situation and we started talking and ended up having an affair. Setting some ground rules of not trying to change the other ones situation and no falling in love. Well I’m sure you can guess we ended up falling crazy in love. 
 

after a while I couldn’t do it anymore and asked for a divorce. After knowing there can be someone out there that gives me everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship. We continued seeing each other but they weren’t ready due to children. I tried to never pressure but eventually it got to be too much for them and they said “they were going to try and focus on their marriage” so we went no contact.

 

I was crushed I had never loved someone so much and they said the same thing but right person wrong time I guess. After a while I started dating again. Found some really great people but no one compared to them in my mind. Never had anyone I dated go anywhere serious. 
 

About a year after going NC they found a way to reach out to me. I couldn’t help but be excited to hear from them again. We started talking again. Found out that they were single over time she explained why. After us going nc their marriage got worse. They ended up starting an affair with someone new and got caught. After the marriage split they moved in with their AP. Not sure what happened but they didn’t end up working out and that’s when they found me again. 
 

they weren’t ready to start dating again after everything that happened but let out that they were on tinder going on dates “for the confidence boost”. I couldn’t sit there and watch them go on dates knowing that’s all I wanted. So I tried to break off communication but we couldnt last. Ultimately ended up giving the ultimatum of I can’t sit and watch them date  so either date me or go NC for good.

 

we did end up starting to date. Everything was going amazing. Thought I was getting the relationship I always wanted. Some thoughts of jealousy did start to creep in, thinking about before we started dating and were just talking she admitted to sleeping with one of the tinder dates and that they had gone on 4 dates. As well as the fact that they started having an affair again after me and tried to go legit with them. They told me things like “they were trying to get over me and forget me” “no one was you” 

unfortunately these thoughts got the best of me and one night I snooped through their phone. Found things that kind of got to me. Sending a picture of the tinder date that they slept with to their friend saying “I spent all day and night with this hottie” talking about sexting on snap chat. old screen shots of text to their AP saying things like “I love you so much I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you I’m so glad you found me”. Talking to their friend about wanting to get engaged to the AP now that they are legit. 
 

now I’m lost. I can’t help but feel like was everything they told me a lie? If not does it cheapen what we have? Am I not as special to them as I thought I was. 
 

not sure where to go from here. If you read all of that thank you. Any advice or insights on where to go from here 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

 she explained why. After us going nc their marriage got worse.  We did end up starting to date.  she admitted to sleeping with one of the tinder dates and that they had gone on 4 dates. 

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please set yourself free from this trap. Perhaps she has a sex addiction or whatever, but you definitely can only have headaches and heartaches ahead unless you cut your losses. 

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

I can’t help but feel like was everything they told me a lie?

A lot of it was probably a lie, yes. 

28 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

Am I not as special to them as I thought I was. 

I don't want to be harsh, but no, you weren't. 

And really, she is a terrible relationship candidate anyway. Not one but two affairs, and only came bouncing back to you when her second affair didn't work out? 

It would be both naive and foolish to invest in this person. You are very likely to wind up hurt all over again. 

[Capricorn3]

I agree with Wiseman3 about you only heading for more headaches and heartache.  She's shown you her true character by having frequent affairs - not very impressive.  Is that really what you want? Move on.

[Legitafter2]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A lot of it was probably a lie, yes. 

I don't want to be harsh, but no, you weren't. 

And really, she is a terrible relationship candidate anyway. Not one but two affairs, and only came bouncing back to you when her second affair didn't work out? 

It would be both naive and foolish to invest in this person. You are very likely to wind up hurt all over again. 

I always seem to make excuses for it. Circumstances making it so she had to stay with him after being kicked out of the house and not having anywhere to go or the money for a new place. Saying her marriage got better but then way worse so looking for an escape. To some extent when I ask why she didn’t find me then she said she didn’t want me to pressure her into leaving her marriage cause she wasn’t ready. 

[Legitafter2]

8 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I agree with Wiseman3 about you only heading for more headaches and heartache.  She's shown you her true character by having frequent affairs - not very impressive.  Is that really what you want? Move on.

I want what I thought we had. I think that’s why I’m so confused and hurt right now to find out that was probably a fantasy and a lie. Everything she does, does make me feel loved by her but know all the back story I found I can’t help but feel it’s not real? Then I’m like but why continue on with me go out and hookup on tinder with anyone and everyone. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

 she had to stay with him after being kicked out of the house and not having anywhere to go. she said she didn’t want me to pressure her into leaving her marriage cause she wasn’t ready. 

If she was kicked out of her house, why would she have to be "pressured to leave her marriage. Unfortunately you seem to be confusing intensity with intimacy. Yes it was a pack of lies. Does she have substance use or mental health disorders? You can stay if you want sex, but please don't believe a word she says. 

[Legitafter2]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

If she was kicked out of her house, why would she have to be "pressured to leave her marriage. Unfortunately you seem to be confusing intensity with intimacy. Yes it was a pack of lies. Does she have substance use or mental health disorders? You can stay if you want sex, but please don't believe a word she says. 

No substance abuse that I know of. We have drinks here and there. As for mental health disorders, I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t have a BPD or bipolar that is undiagnosed. 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

Then I’m like but why continue on with me go out and hookup on tinder with anyone and everyone. 

You're asking this about the same woman who stayed in her marriage but kept cheating on her spouse? 

She's a cake-eater. Plain and simple. You have known this on some level all along, but probably just didn't want to believe it. She likes the "security" of a relationship while she goes out and has sex and thrills with vairous others. 

[Legitafter2]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You're asking this about the same woman who stayed in her marriage but kept cheating on her spouse? 

She's a cake-eater. Plain and simple. You have known this on some level all along, but probably just didn't want to believe it. She likes the "security" of a relationship while she goes out and has sex and thrills with vairous others. 

You know originally I think that’s why I snooped. Didn’t find anything of her having cheated at this point, not to say she doesn’t know how to hide it. I do have her location so feel like that would make it harder and why share that if you did want to go do that.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life (or however long this lasts) going through her phone, checking the location tracker and wondering who she might be meeting up with when your back is turned?

[Coily]

It was all a lie on her part. You were easy prey for her, and she knew it. She had the audacity to think should could keep playing with your heart and have no consequences to her cheating. There is nothing you can do to change a serial cheater, except get them out of your life.

[Legitafter2]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you want to spend the rest of your life (or however long this lasts) going through her phone, checking the location tracker and wondering who she might be meeting up with when your back is turned?

I already feel absolute dog crap for resorting to snooping already.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

I already feel absolute dog crap for resorting to snooping already.

But apparently she doesn't feel like crap for deceiving her husband AND you. IMO that should be more concerning than you feeling bad about looking in her phone. 

[Coily]

21 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

I already feel absolute dog crap for resorting to snooping already.

One of the few times I don't think snooping was unwarranted. You found hard evidence that she was up to no good. Feel relieved that you can start moving on from this horrible woman.

[smackie9]

This person is addicted to being attracted by others. low self esteem, low self worth, they usually chase those emotions with each new person to keep the desire going. She's a lost soul. Not really ready for anything until she figures herself out. Or she may never will and jump from relationship to relationship. 

Sorry she gave you what you wanted under false pretenses. Lesson learned, hopefully you can go forward and actually meet the love of your life. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Legitafter2 said:

I already feel absolute dog crap for resorting to snooping already.

This is rather beside the point now. 

The point is that you cannot and should not trust this person, nor should you delude yourself into thinking this is going to some epic love story that will stand the test of time. She will be gone as soon as she meets the next guy she really likes and wants to be with. 

 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is rather beside the point now. 

The point is that you cannot and should not trust this person, nor should you delude yourself into thinking this is going to some epic love story that will stand the test of time. She will be gone as soon as she meets the next guy she really likes and wants to be with. 

 

Or she'll start seeing a new guy but won't tell you. She'll just have him on the side, as per her M.O.