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I M27 was dating a girl F26 for 3 months I don’t know what happened


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I [M27] had been dating this girl [F26] for 3 months but the relationship broke down

I’ve never really had a girlfriend before, or really been interested in meeting someone until I moved to this new city. I’m 27 and I don’t speak the language in this city. I’m sorry for the long post.

I met this girl 3 months ago randomly, she seemed nice and sweet at the start. She speaks my home language really well so it was nice to meet someone else who can.

Some things to note, not in any particular order;

  • * We hadn’t kissed
  • * Most of the time she would only come over if I paid for the cab
  • * We both agreed to take things slow, I was the one to suggest this because I thought it was moving a little fast.
  • * When she comes over we always cuddle and snuggle together on the couch
  • * We stay in different rooms because she says her parents would get mad
  • * We agreed that if there’s a problem in the relationship, the best way to resolve it is to communicate and talk to each other about it
  • * Whenever I try to talk to her about the relationship she doesn’t want to talk about it and tells me she needs more time, she gets upset
  • * She had me call her by a nickname from the start, and was reluctant to tell me her real name
  • * She was ok with me hugging her, but wouldn’t hug me back, and she stopped that
  • * She asks me to call her more but whenever I try, she doesn’t answer, gets annoyed and tells me to text instead.
  • * It was always at my place we would hang out, I tried suggesting hanging out at her place but she didn’t want me to know where she lived
  • * If we had to meet, it would always be somewhere near her place.
  • * She told me to wait for her at a meeting place, but didn’t show up at the arranged time, I tried messaging and calling but no response, I ended up waiting for almost an hour on the street.
  • * By the second or third date, she jumped right in asking if I was the prince she was waiting for and asked me to be her prince
  • * She told me she was shy, insecure, and clingy
  • * She told me she likes a muscular man, I go to the gym but I’m not muscular
  • * She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty
  • * She didn’t want people to see us together in public, because she was afraid “they would think things”
  • * she doesn’t want to hold hands or lock arms outside of the estate I live, unless no one is around or it’s dark
  • * On a couple of occasions I invited her to group meals with a couple of friends and she wanted to go, but by the time we were supposed to meet she wouldn’t reply to messages until hours later and
  • * When plans were made and things changed, she wouldn’t keep me updated that the plans changed
  • * I went on a trip. The day I return she offers to meet me at the airport to help me get home. It’s late, I get off the plane and she’s not there. I try calling, no answer. I call again a little later and she tells me she’s not coming.


We hang out at my place and she stays over more, we become more physical and close with each other but no sexual interaction. I find out that she’s saving herself for marriage.

When she comes over it’s usually late in the evening, she eats, sits with me to watch something for an hour or two, then goes to bed. Sometimes she would go straight to bed after eating or would watch something on her phone instead of talking with me.

When she’s in bed, I stay up and I can still hear her talking on the phone or watching videos. She has asked me to lie next to her in the bed before, so I ask if I can join her to watch the show, but she says no.

In the morning, after eating, she often says she has to immediately leave.

We go out, but she says she doesn’t like my clothes, that people will think I’m homosexual because the clothes have patterns and designs and we should look at different clothes. I tell her it’s ok to not like some things, everyone has different styles but I’m open to listening to her opinion and suggestions.

These past few weeks, she kept bringing up that we go and looks at dogs together that week and buy one right away. She talks about this in text and in person when she comes over. I tell her it’s something I might consider later so she says to buy it when we come back from the trip. This seems like a rash decision to me, we’re not officially together, she's said before she can't move in because her parents would be angry if they find she’s staying with a boy.

She’s been telling me how much she wants to go to a different city, and we both like the idea of going together. We decided to make plans to go away for a couple of nights, but stay in different rooms.

She was asking me if I felt relaxed with her and enjoyed everything I say yes and she says yes.

For convenience, we agreed that she should stay over the night before so we can go to the train station together. I don’t hear from her so i send a message and she’s not coming over.

We meet in the morning and get the train, she seems happy and relaxed and fine. Really excited.

When we get to the city, we explore and have some fun looking around.

She really wants to go to a club together, it’s her first time, and she really wants to have 6 cocktails. We promise each other we won’t leave each other. She has a couple of drinks and I record the live music but she’s disappeared and I get worried. I look around but can’t find her anywhere I leave the bar to look outside and go back in and she’s laughing saying it was just a joke. I brush it off.

I start enjoying myself we have another drink and I’m dancing, but she pushes me into some people and says she doesn’t want people to think she’s with me. She wants to talk and have fun with other people and not with me.

I try to talk to her at the bar, but she keeps turning away from me and pushes me away. There’s another guy wanting her to drink more and I keep telling him she’s had enough. I try to talk to her and she keeps pushing me away and turning away. People are saying some things. I stand back and tell her to stop, and tell her if she wants me to leave I will. But she gets really upset and storms out.

I have to chase after her and sit on the road in front to get her to stop because she’s drunk. I take her back to her room. After what she said in the bar, the relationship changed. I try to talk to her about her behaviour and what she said to me at the club but she just laughs and just says it was a crazy night. I try to talk to her about our relationship, but she won’t and says we’ve already talked about it before. She keeps saying she feels pressure but she won’t talk to me about it.

We explore the city some more, she says she wants to go out to drink later but not with me. She asks me to take her back to the club and wait for her. She wants to have a drink with me after the club but I say no and we’ll have one when we return home instead.

She sends me a message early in the morning when we were going to be returning home asking if I was at the front desk. I didn’t see the message until later, so I reply but get no response. I’m a little worried about her since she was drinking and was a little emotional. I got to the front desk and check if she’s there and ask if she had been waiting, she hadn’t.

I go to her room and gently knock on the door, no answer. I figure she’s still sleeping. I go back to bed for a while, there’s a knock on my door. I open the door thinking it’s her but she called the police.

They tell me she heard a knock on the door and she asked the hotel staff to call the police. They tell me she’s very sensitive and thinks the relationship is going too fast. She doesn’t want me to contact her. I tell them we were going to organise how much each of us paid when we got back home, so they talk to her and she agrees to pay me her share. I feel so worried and concerned about her right now but they told me not to contact her. She blocked me from social media.



Did I do something wrong that warranted the police being called?

Were there some red flags I didn’t see?

What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

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6 minutes ago, AccurateRegister42 said:
  • .. She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty * She didn’t want people to see us together in public, because she was afraid “they would think things”
  • * she doesn’t want to hold hands or lock arms outside of the estate I live, unless no one is around or it’s dark. She sends me a message early in the  door thinking it’s her but she called the police.

Please delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. "Lift her from poverty"?  "What would people think?' Hotel rooms? Called the police?

There seems like an obvious cultural barrier but it also seems like she could be an escort. Please get tested for STDs.

Please try to immerse yourself better in the language culture and mores of where you are. Please don't pick up mysterious questionable women. 

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She was trying to navigate things hiding from her parent's gaze. It's been very difficult for the both of you. She wants to get away with as much as possible before her parents shut her down...that's why she was speeding things up. Her parents found out so she was demanded to shut things down for good, hence being blocked on SM. 

You don't have any experience to compare this situation to, but we do. As everyone stated, it's toxic/unhealthy. You need to stay clear of her. I get it you were close to having something, but it was a bad something....and no, bad is not better than nothing. You seriously need better than this...raise your expectations, and don't get involved with someone that behaves that crazy. 

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2 hours ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

Were there some red flags I didn’t see?

You saw all the red flags. You listed them above. You just chose to ignore them, for some strange reason. 

2 hours ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

Yeah, run far and fast from women who are this secretive about everything and wipe their feet all over you. 

 

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Yes there were some red flags. Like basically literally everything you wrote in your post from start to end. She sounds very strange, mentally unstable and just overall very rude.

At first I thought maybe you're not from a Western culture and her family is very traditional. So I initially thought maybe some of her behaviour made sense . Like worrying what her parents think, staying in a different room, not kissing. If you're from a strict culture that actually sounds understandable but all the rest of her behaviour really wasn't.

She said she wants you to be her prince etc. but the whole time she was acting extremely rude, inconsiderate, just plain awful really. She would be at your place with you but just go to bed and watch videos and say you can't join her. Considering it was early stages of dating, why would someone come over but just want to be alone in another room? I understand if people are married a long time and someone just wants some "me time". But she was coming to your place specifically to be with you.

She was also standing you up a few times which was so rude. Especially when she didn't show up at the airport to pick you up and only told you when your flight already arrived. Just disgusting behaviour.

And then when she called police on you when you literally did nothing wrong! You were on a trip together and she called police just because you knocked on her door to see if she was OK! And telling police the relationship is going too fast, you don't call police for that! Especially as you had tried to talk to her about the relationship and she would always avoid it. Yet she felt comfortable to discuss it with police??! She sounds like an absolute psycho.

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds unhealthy and potentially dangerous. I’d stop all contact with her. 

Thanks for the reply. I have stopped all contact with her, the police were really friendly and only wanted a statement from me. They told me not to contact her outside of receiving the money she owed.

The girl blocked me first, so no way to contact her, but with the money she sent she was leaving one or two word messages that when read together formed a sentence. I only accepted x amount of the money, so I don’t know what the full message was going to be.

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4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You saw all the red flags. You listed them above. You just chose to ignore them, for some strange reason. 

Yeah, run far and fast from women who are this secretive about everything and wipe their feet all over you. 

 

With hindsight I can see them now. I just don’t have the experience to compare to to know what the red flags are.  At the time I didn’t think too much of the little niggles at the back of my mind…but I know now it’s best not to ignore them 😅

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes there were some red flags. Like basically literally everything you wrote in your post from start to end. She sounds very strange, mentally unstable and just overall very rude.

At first I thought maybe you're not from a Western culture and her family is very traditional. So I initially thought maybe some of her behaviour made sense . Like worrying what her parents think, staying in a different room, not kissing. If you're from a strict culture that actually sounds understandable but all the rest of her behaviour really wasn't.

She said she wants you to be her prince etc. but the whole time she was acting extremely rude, inconsiderate, just plain awful really. She would be at your place with you but just go to bed and watch videos and say you can't join her. Considering it was early stages of dating, why would someone come over but just want to be alone in another room? I understand if people are married a long time and someone just wants some "me time". But she was coming to your place specifically to be with you.

She was also standing you up a few times which was so rude. Especially when she didn't show up at the airport to pick you up and only told you when your flight already arrived. Just disgusting behaviour.

And then when she called police on you when you literally did nothing wrong! You were on a trip together and she called police just because you knocked on her door to see if she was OK! And telling police the relationship is going too fast, you don't call police for that! Especially as you had tried to talk to her about the relationship and she would always avoid it. Yet she felt comfortable to discuss it with police??! She sounds like an absolute psycho.

I am from a western country and am in an Asian country, she was Chinese, but even to the local friends I have. They said her actions do not align with a traditional Chinese girl. Especially when she was saying she wanted to talk to other people and see other people…and I’m right next to her.

The hotel originally said both rooms would be on the same floor, but she spoke to them and later when we checked in the rooms were on different floors. I think she might have asked them to change the floor the room was on.

I also went down to her room on another occasion, she did not mind then, and I swear she was talking to someone and she was very secretive when opening the door.

Some of her actions might be traditional, I suspect maybe familial pressure has played a role in this too. She also kept asking if I was a postgraduate and didn’t believe me when I told her I was and didn’t believe the salary I earned. 😅

One of the first few times she came over, she told me she was going to lie down in the room and watch a video. A few minutes later she messages me and asks me to join her in the bed and bring my laptop to do some work.
I think wow she’s progressing things, but after a few minutes of me being in the bed and I finish my work, she tells me to leave. 🤷‍♂️

The police thing is ever really bothers me the most, unless she was just using me to get to the other city. She did say she had lots of friends there, but they were all away somewhere else.

 

 

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36 minutes ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

, the police  told me not to contact her outside of receiving the money she owed.The girl blocked me first, so no way to contact her, 

Please listen to the police. Please stop playing with fire. This is not about "oh she's a Chinese girl" this is about an obviously shady woman. 

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4 hours ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

I just don’t have the experience to compare to to know what the red flags are.

Eh, you are a grown adult, no?

Even when I was a teenager and dating for the first time, I wasn't totally oblivious to glaring red flags. And the ones she displayed here are glaring. I am sure you also were fully aware that her being so rude to you (ie. ignoring you when you had made plans)  wasn't normal, since that is basic courtesy you also would have experienced even in friendships.

So, I don't totally believe that your lack of experience can explain away everything. 

Are you rather lonley? Haven't had much luck in the dating world?  

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4 hours ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

, the police  told me not to contact her outside of receiving the money she owed.

Please forget the money. You spent time in hotels and the money is gone, maybe on drugs or whatever. Be happy you came back with both your kidneys and your wallet. 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please forget the money. You spent time in hotels and the money is gone, maybe on drugs or whatever. Be happy you came back with both your kidneys and your wallet. 

Don't worry, I intend to listen to the police and your advice too, I've not contacted or messaged her, I wouldn't dream of it after what she did and the overreaction she took.

She sent most of the money she owed and there was no contact from me. I just pressed the button to accept the money 😅

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Eh, you are a grown adult, no?

Even when I was a teenager and dating for the first time, I wasn't totally oblivious to glaring red flags. And the ones she displayed here are glaring. I am sure you also were fully aware that her being so rude to you (ie. ignoring you when you had made plans)  wasn't normal, since that is basic courtesy you also would have experienced even in friendships.

So, I don't totally believe that your lack of experience can explain away everything. 

Are you rather lonley? Haven't had much luck in the dating world?  

You're right. I think I did knowingly ignore those red flags. I'm an expat in this city, haven't been in this city very long, and it's been difficult to meet many people and make friends with people, outside of work, who can communicate with me. This is the first time that I've been interested in meeting and dating someone.

It was just such a nice feeling to have someone who seemed to genuinely be interested in spending time and hanging out with me. I probably would have kept things the way they were, but I'm glad this happened when it did. If it happened later, in the city where I am, and she called the police then it may have turned out very very different 😥

The ignoring me when plans were made, or not keeping me updated if she couldn't make it, like a little message "sorry I don't I'll be able to make it tonight we'll reschedule and we can go out X day" would have been nice. It didn't make me feel very good and was incredibly rude. 

She always just sent me a message or called me asking if I'm busy, expecting to come over 😅

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12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes there were some red flags. Like basically literally everything you wrote in your post from start to end. She sounds very strange, mentally unstable and just overall very rude.

At first I thought maybe you're not from a Western culture and her family is very traditional. So I initially thought maybe some of her behaviour made sense . Like worrying what her parents think, staying in a different room, not kissing. If you're from a strict culture that actually sounds understandable but all the rest of her behaviour really wasn't.

She said she wants you to be her prince etc. but the whole time she was acting extremely rude, inconsiderate, just plain awful really. She would be at your place with you but just go to bed and watch videos and say you can't join her. Considering it was early stages of dating, why would someone come over but just want to be alone in another room? I understand if people are married a long time and someone just wants some "me time". But she was coming to your place specifically to be with you.

She was also standing you up a few times which was so rude. Especially when she didn't show up at the airport to pick you up and only told you when your flight already arrived. Just disgusting behaviour.

And then when she called police on you when you literally did nothing wrong! You were on a trip together and she called police just because you knocked on her door to see if she was OK! And telling police the relationship is going too fast, you don't call police for that! Especially as you had tried to talk to her about the relationship and she would always avoid it. Yet she felt comfortable to discuss it with police??! She sounds like an absolute psycho.

She told me at the time she was traditional and I was understandable of the whole staying in the other room and worry what her parents may think. But the inconsideration of plans that were made really got to me, and I was wanting to talk to her about it. Like just a little update message if she was delayed or something would have been nice.

At one point, the day before the trip, she sent a message to me and I got a brief look at it before she deleted it and I think she was telling me she wasn't coming. But she deleted it before I could open it and read it fully. I didn't hear from her and had to message her in the evening to check she was ok and to arrange plans for meeting at the station.

The airport really annoyed me because she offered to pick me up and help me get home, I can't speak the language in this city so it's very difficult arranging transport and navigating. A person I was on the plane offered to help me get home, but I told them I had someone waiting for me and coming to pick me up, they didn't stay thinking I didn't need any help.
When I called her, she just said sorry and that she was too sick to come. A message for when I got off the plane would have been nice. 😞

At any point she could have said no to coming on the trip. I told her there was no pressure, if she didn't want to come or changed her mind that was fine, even when we were in the other city, and we'd hang out another time. I went to spend time with her, but even if she felt overwhelmed and needed some time on her own, that would have been fine as long as you keep someone updated on where you are not disappear on them completely; ignoring their messages/calls. It was incredibly stressful on the trip for me because I was worrying constantly about whether she was ok. 

The police were completely unnecessary lol 😂

Actually, for some reason I don't feel too bad that she's gone. Sure I'll miss her company but I don't miss her that much.

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Dude for the lack of a better word, she's crazy! She seems to be very mentally unstable. Her behaviour just wasn't normal. I know you don't have dating experience but in the very least someone you're dating should want to actually be with you. She was acting like she didn't even like you of care for you even a bit. She didn't care if you were stranded at the airport. She went on a trip with you but told you to leave her alone so she could get drunk with other people. Then she called police on you for no reason! She's nuts.

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13 hours ago, AccurateRegister42 said:

She told me at the time she was traditional and I was understandable of the whole staying in the other room and worry what her parents may think. But the inconsideration of plans that were made really got to me, and I was wanting to talk to her about it. Like just a little update message if she was delayed or something would have been nice.

At one point, the day before the trip, she sent a message to me and I got a brief look at it before she deleted it and I think she was telling me she wasn't coming. But she deleted it before I could open it and read it fully. I didn't hear from her and had to message her in the evening to check she was ok and to arrange plans for meeting at the station.

The airport really annoyed me because she offered to pick me up and help me get home, I can't speak the language in this city so it's very difficult arranging transport and navigating. A person I was on the plane offered to help me get home, but I told them I had someone waiting for me and coming to pick me up, they didn't stay thinking I didn't need any help.
When I called her, she just said sorry and that she was too sick to come. A message for when I got off the plane would have been nice. 😞

At any point she could have said no to coming on the trip. I told her there was no pressure, if she didn't want to come or changed her mind that was fine, even when we were in the other city, and we'd hang out another time. I went to spend time with her, but even if she felt overwhelmed and needed some time on her own, that would have been fine as long as you keep someone updated on where you are not disappear on them completely; ignoring their messages/calls. It was incredibly stressful on the trip for me because I was worrying constantly about whether she was ok. 

The police were completely unnecessary lol 😂

Actually, for some reason I don't feel too bad that she's gone. Sure I'll miss her company but I don't miss her that much.

I actually don't really think that she sounded that traditional. Some of her behaviours really didn't seem to match her other behaviours in terms of being traditional. She was saying to you she was worried what her parents think, can't kiss, can't stay in the same room, etc. But when you went on your trip she wanted to get blind drunk and wanted you to go away and leave you alone at a bar/night club. Why did she want you to leave? Presumably so she could get attention or hook up with other guys at the club? If she was super traditional then why would she be putting herself in such a risky situation? Also she was dating you so if she was traditional she'd only be dating one person and not trying to get with other guys.

Also the way that she was acting, she was not interested I'm you. You said it was nice to have someone interested in you but she was acting like you weren't important to her at all. She couldn't care less if she ignored your messages, left you alone at the airport, ignored you while she was at your place. Just completely weird behaviours.

To be honest I think she was either really mentally unstable or she didn't actually like you that much. Or both. I mean in the bar she didn't even want to be seen with you! Even though you were in another city so it's not like her parents were there. Please have more self respect and self value and don't allow people to treat you like this! Even loneliness is better than being with someone who completely disrespects you.

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On 2/20/2024 at 6:50 PM, AccurateRegister42 said:
  • * She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty

 

On 2/21/2024 at 2:49 AM, AccurateRegister42 said:

I am from a western country and am in an Asian country

Many such cases. Whole cast of 90s Day Fiance to be precise. Its either Asian, Latina or Russian/Ukranian. As soon as they see Westerner, they go crazy with the possibility of you "lifting them out of poverty". Giving them passport and taking them to Western country. Even "No Neck Ed" had a success with those. You didnt had experience so you maybe fell for that. But stay away from girl like that.

PS This is "No Neck Ed" and his girl. Just to see what I am talking about.

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