Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean we met usually for coffee in a public place but if there was anything the least bit off I moved on and didn't meet.

I understand. Well, we went for coffee too for our first date, and he set a specific date for when it would be ideal to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend haha.

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I understand. Well, we went for coffee too for our first date, and he set a specific date for when it would be ideal to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend haha.

I don't know if that's funny.  One date and he already instructed you to be his girlfriend?

I understand you're new to dating but that is not normal.

[AGrPerson]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know if that's funny.  One date and he already instructed you to be his girlfriend?

I understand you're new to dating but that is not normal.

I find it awkward and pretty strange. I can't understand what he was thinking really. He had only been in one relationship before so I don't know, he might have been inexperienced?

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I find it awkward and pretty strange. I can't understand what he was thinking really.

Right so when you get “awkward” and “strange “ to that extent on a short first meet strongly consider making it one and done. 

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I find it awkward and pretty strange. I can't understand what he was thinking really. He had only been in one relationship before so I don't know, he might have been inexperienced?

You seem to keep looking for excuses for his behavior. Or an explanation. 

Bottom line, he is an odd duck who was also very invasive (expecting you to change your political views to align with his, for example).

There's no need to obsess over "why". Just be glad he's out of your life. And be more discerning in the future. 

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so when you get “awkward” and “strange “ to that extent on a short first meet strongly consider making it one and done. 

Got it!

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

You seem to keep looking for excuses for his behavior. Or an explanation. 

Bottom line, he is an odd duck who was also very invasive (expecting you to change your political views to align with his, for example).

There's no need to obsess over "why". Just be glad he's out of your life. And be more discerning in the future. 

Yeah, you are right.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

 if I could change something in myself to avoid something like that in the future.

Yes! There's help for this. Just say "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is". That's the case here.

Being swept up by Disney romance that some guy who only knows what shoe you wear is crazy mad in love with you and will wisk you away to everlasting bliss.

The sad truth is players know all these lines and tricks by heart. Unfortunately you bought into it like any other get rich quick, fountain of youth, romance fairytale daydream

Always stop and ask yourself "does this make sense?".(guy who barely knows me is madly in love) .

Every day smart people get stuck in these things. Wishful thinking is human but knowing when it's that vs reality is important.  Brush yourself off, let go of the faux romance and please slow down. 

[AGrPerson]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes! There's help for this. Just say "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is". That's the case here.

Being swept up by Disney romance that some guy who only knows what shoe you wear is crazy mad in love with you and will wisk you away to everlasting bliss.

The sad truth is players know all these lines and tricks by heart. Unfortunately you bought into it like any other get rich quick, fountain of youth, romance fairytale daydream

Always stop and ask yourself "does this make sense?".(guy who barely knows me is madly in love) .

Every day smart people get stuck in these things. Wishful thinking is human but knowing when it's that vs reality is important.  Brush yourself off, let go of the faux romance and please slow down. 

Yeah, it really felt too good to be true. He didn't seem like a player though. I mean he appeared too humble to be one. Could that be his "mask"?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

He didn't seem like a player though

Maybe he didn't seem like a player, but he sure seemed like a complete creep. 

I am still baffled as to why you kept talking to him, let alone went out with him after all the concerning things he said before you even met. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I would advise you take some time off dating. Your picker is way off and you could wind up in a bad situation because you ignore so many red flags. 

[AGrPerson]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe he didn't seem like a player, but he sure seemed like a complete creep. 

I am still baffled as to why you kept talking to him, let alone went out with him after all the concerning things he said before you even met. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I would advise you take some time off dating. Your picker is way off and you could wind up in a bad situation because you ignore so many red flags. 

You are right. Maybe it's better to stay away from dating for a while.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

You are right. Maybe it's better to stay away from dating for a while.

Are you super anxious to find a boyfriend? What's the hurry?

[AGrPerson]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you super anxious to find a boyfriend? What's the hurry?

Yeah, I would like to experience what it's like to date someone.

[boltnrun]

34 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, I would like to experience what it's like to date someone.

That wasn't my question.

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you super anxious to find a boyfriend? What's the hurry?

 

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That wasn't my question.

 

I mean yeah I'm super anxious to find a boyfriend, so when someone started showering me with compliments and future talking, I took the bait.

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I mean yeah I'm super anxious to find a boyfriend, so when someone started showering me with compliments and future talking, I took the bait.

But why are you super anxious? What's the hurry? Does someone have a timer on you, telling you to "HURRY!!!"? 

I would imagine you want the right man for you. Not just some male human you can slap the label "boyfriend" on. Because if you act out of anxiety you tend to make bad decisions. And you end up going through one bad relationship after another. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@AGrPersonyou keep repeating "you are right" and "okay got it" but do you really -  "get it"? 

It would appear that after six pages, try as you might, you're unable to shake this guy from your conscienceness and move on.

Am I right?  

Not a judgment, I've been there too which is how I learned all this. 

At this point, I truly fear for you.  HE dumped you but what if he hadn't?

You would most likely still be dating him, become completely dependent on him and his validation, losing yourself in the process. 

But hey in your mind, that's OK as long as he continues providing you with the attention and validation you so desperately need?

Do you understand how dangerous and dysfunctional this is?  And where would it stop? 

This is how women get involved with abusers -  by having an obsessive need to be "loved" (and I put the word love in quotes becauae it's NOT love, not by a long shot).

Such men choose their targets very carefully. Like you admitted, women with low self esteem, who lack proper boundaries among other weaknesses. 

This man is controlling as heck and potentially abusive, and as I said before completely whacked, no matter what his motivations were.

Could be anything from getting you into bed, living in fantasy, or even some sort of mental deficiency or illness. 

It does not matter, all that matters is he's whacked. And you should be thankful he ended it. 

My advice is seek therapy.  Please.  This very short-lived 3-week online interaction could very easily turn into a very unhealthy obsession if you're not careful. 

Please take care of yourself, good luck. 

 

[AGrPerson]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But why are you super anxious? What's the hurry? Does someone have a timer on you, telling you to "HURRY!!!"? 

I would imagine you want the right man for you. Not just some male human you can slap the label "boyfriend" on. Because if you act out of anxiety you tend to make bad decisions. And you end up going through one bad relationship after another. 

No, I'm not in a hurry, I'm just afraid of being too picky, or rejecting someone who might have been right for me, or repelling someone nice because of my behaviour.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

No, I'm not in a hurry, I'm just afraid of being too picky, or rejecting someone who might have been right for me, or repelling someone nice because of my behaviour.

This is the key issue. This man was not "right for you" or "nice", yet you still wish you could have done something to "change" him or "change" yourself to force this to work. It's going about things backwards.

We look for the right person for us. We don't find any random someone and try to force it to work. And it's vital to be selective, otherwise you'll end up in one failed relationship after another. 

I wonder what your fear is rooted in. Has someone told you you're "too picky" or that you exhibit "repelling" behavior?

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@AGrPersonyou keep repeating "you are right" and "okay got it" but do you really -  "get it"? 

It would appear that try as you might, you're unable to shake this guy from your conscienceness and move on.

Am I right?

At this point, I truly fear for you.  HE dumped you but what if he hadn't?

You would most likely still be dating him, become completely dependent on him and his validation, losing yourself in the process. 

But hey in your mind, that's OK as long as he continues providing you with the attention and validation you so desperately need?

Do you understand how dangerous and dysfunctional this is?  And where would it stop? 

This is how women get involved with abusers -  by having an obsessive need to "loved" (and I put the word love in quotes becauae it's NOT love, not by a long shot).

Such men choose their targets very carefully. Like you admitted, women with low self esteem, who lack proper boundaries among other weaknesses. 

This man is controlling and potentially abusive, and as I said before completely whacked, no matter what his motivations were.

Could be anything from getting you into bed, living in a fantasy, or even some sort of mental deficiency or illness

It does not matter, all that matters is he's whacked. 

My advice is seek therapy.  Please.  This very short-lived online interaction could very easily turn into a very unhealthy obsession if you're not careful. 

Please take care of yourself, good luck. 

 

I had already started losing myself, cause I had modified my whole schedule in order to fit his. And he still wasn't satisfied. The relationship dynamic wasn't equal either. For example he would get away with excuses for his inconsistency but he told me off once for telling him that I will call him later cause I was talking on the phone with a friend at the time he called.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is the key issue. This man was not "right for you" or "nice", yet you still wish you could have done something to "change" him or "change" yourself to force this to work. It's going about things backwards.

We look for the right person for us. We don't find any random someone and try to force it to work. And it's vital to be selective, otherwise you'll end up in one failed relationship after another. 

I wonder what your fear is rooted in. Has someone told you you're "too picky" or that you exhibit "repelling" behavior?

No, it's not that someone has told me that I'm too picky, it's just that since I don't have much dating experience I'm afraid that I might be asking too much and repel the other person, or that I might misjudge someone's behaviour and reject someone good for me.

[boltnrun]

This is turning circular.

He wasn't good for you. That is clear and obvious. But apparently you think it's because of something you did? Or didn't do?

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is turning circular.

He wasn't good for you. That is clear and obvious. But apparently you think it's because of something you did? Or didn't do?

Well, I treated him in the best way possible, but I keep thinking that maybe me wanting more time and attention from him might have repelled him. Or that if I was more interesting somehow he might have kept being interested in me.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, I treated him in the best way possible, but I keep thinking that maybe me wanting more time and attention from him might have repelled him. Or that if I was more interesting somehow he might have kept being interested in me.

OK...

This guy showed many concerning behaviors, yet you apparently still want to be with him. And THAT is the issue. 

You keep saying you "get it", but from what you keep writing you still want him. I don't know how else to word it other than to keep repeating myself. Which apparently isn't effective.

I hope you somehow work through this. 

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

OK...

This guy showed many concerning behaviors, yet you apparently still want to be with him. And THAT is the issue. 

You keep saying you "get it", but from what you keep writing you still want him. I don't know how else to word it other than to keep repeating myself. Which apparently isn't effective.

I hope you somehow work through this. 

I know I'm going in circles and I truly thank you for your support and kindness. I hope with time I'll feel better. Even now with each passing day I feel less and less attached to him.