He is still on Tinder after confronting him

[Irakotka]

Hello, I’ve found out my partner had the Tinder app on his phone. The first time I saw the logo I thought it was my paranoia but after seeing the app open on another day from far I started thinking and thinking. So I created a fake account to check if he really had the app downloaded before confronting him as I didn’t want to be a paranoic in case it was another app. And there he was. I told him I saw he has downloaded Tinder, etc. He was giving me the silent treatment / gashlighting. We meet to talk after a week or so. We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder. But I kept saying that is not a good example as I might not be the best girlfriend but I didn’t download Tinder or search for other man. I think he has some kind of narcissist behaviours sometimes, he has also treated me like a bag of trash sometimes. And not sure how I became so addicted to him. He is 37, weed addict as he smokes everyday since we have been in the relationship for about 4 years. I’m always the one who worries, to keep the fridge full, etc. To clean because he is quite dirty… As he is very mean and would only get the necessary things. Could be on pizza or kebabs everyday. Even once he got very angry because he forgot his weed at home and couldn’t smoke on his work break and made me bring the weed to him. I was on my way to were we supposed to meet and I had my phone on silence or vibration on my bag so I couldn’t see if someone was calling me. He called me so many times and messaged while I was on the way to bring his weed. Anyway. Going back to the Tinder point. I can see that he didn’t delete it yet, and yes I checked it with my fake account and see that he has been active again. Should I just walk away without saying anything? Should I be with him until he finds someone and dumps me? Should I be with him and pretend nothing happened? I’m 35 and I feel like I need a real man by my side. And after this Tinder events, I cannot tell him everyday about this. And everytime I try to explain my feelings or emotions is like I’m looking for an argument… thanks in advance

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Irakotka said:

 We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder.  He is 37, weed addict as he smokes everyday since we have been in the relationship for about 4 years. 

His excuse for being on tinder was "you need to change things"?  Please reconsider being with someone like this. How have you tolerated this for 4years? 

[Coily]

You can do better than this addict. Things are only going to get worse, it's sad that him being on Tinder is the only thing that got your mind changed about this guy.

I wish you the best.

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, Irakotka said:

We meet to talk after a week or so. We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder.

I am 100% serious when saying this, but my response would have been "you're right, I need to change some things, and the first thing I'm changing is ending our relationship.  Have fun on Tinder, Bye."

And left. 

If he was unhappy and wanted some things to change, he should have communicated with you about it, not go on Tinder behind your back, geez! 

He completely gaslighted you, and you allowed him to which is on you (sorry).

You say you're addicted to him, I understand I've been there too, but you must find the strength to go cold turkey and kick it. Tell him you're done, block and go NC.

I did!  One of the best (and hardest) decisions I ever had to make. 

You can't change his or any person's character or their lack of integrity no matter how hard you try.

He is who he is and that's not gonna change at least not with you. 

I'm sorry. 

Hugs. 

 

 

[Irakotka]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

You can do better than this addict. Things are only going to get worse, it's sad that him being on Tinder is the only thing that got your mind changed about this guy.

I wish you the best.

Tinder is actually the last thing. I've been through a lot with him and something inside me had still some hope that there would be good things and not only bad things. And maybe I'm the bad one, the crazy one. Because when I tried to speak with him about Tinder kinda manipulated my version and so he is right for being on Tinder if I don't change somethings from myself. But what do I have to change when I gave and tolerated many things. For example, he lives in a cabin owned by his parents, they don't really want him living with them that's why they bought the cabin. And he would stay smoking weed and on the phone watching bull***s and staying cold than using the stove. Once we were collecting wood and he was like you are going to waste all the wood of the neighbourhood/forest. I bought wood from a place you go there and collect it... and even this was not okay for him. Like, everytime I do something he will start giving me sh*t. I couldn't use the washing machine, sometimes I was even taking his dirty clothes to wash them at my parents house or to the laundry shop. Even for buying food he is so mean. Always telling how much it is and we have to pay it in half or if he pays he will mention something like well later we go to the other shop and you buy me the drinks (I don't mean alcohol). And so it's like making an effort to even spend 10€ on me. I could continue. Am I the crazy one? Did I tolerate too many things? Because I even have the feeling that I lost my dignity at some point trying to get answers from his Tinder account... 

[LINDA]

woah.. there is so many red flags to look for before Tinder 

please think twice you deserve better

[Coily]

24 minutes ago, Irakotka said:

Tinder is actually the last thing. I've been through a lot with him and something inside me had still some hope that there would be good things and not only bad things. And maybe I'm the bad one, the crazy one. Because when I tried to speak with him about Tinder kinda manipulated my version and so he is right for being on Tinder if I don't change somethings from myself. But what do I have to change when I gave and tolerated many things. For example, he lives in a cabin owned by his parents, they don't really want him living with them that's why they bought the cabin. And he would stay smoking weed and on the phone watching bull***s and staying cold than using the stove. Once we were collecting wood and he was like you are going to waste all the wood of the neighbourhood/forest. I bought wood from a place you go there and collect it... and even this was not okay for him. Like, everytime I do something he will start giving me sh*t. I couldn't use the washing machine, sometimes I was even taking his dirty clothes to wash them at my parents house or to the laundry shop. Even for buying food he is so mean. Always telling how much it is and we have to pay it in half or if he pays he will mention something like well later we go to the other shop and you buy me the drinks (I don't mean alcohol). And so it's like making an effort to even spend 10€ on me. I could continue. Am I the crazy one? Did I tolerate too many things? Because I even have the feeling that I lost my dignity at some point trying to get answers from his Tinder account... 

Run! Seriously, run for the hills.

[smackie9]

Well that's a whole laundry list of NOPE. You want your issues solved? get rid of the problem...HIM!

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Irakotka said:

We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder.

Bro literally used "I tried to replace you and cheat on you because you bad" and you took him back lol

After some point we cant blame other people for treating us bad. But should blame ourselves for allowing that kind of behavior. For example you had an option to leave. And you stayed with somebody who thinks so low of you that he deflected his cheating and turned it out on you. And you still took him back. Do you have low self- esteem? You do know that weed junkies that would cheat on you arent exactly a prized partner and that you can probably go out of the house and find somebody better then that at first street corner you look?

[waffle]

4 hours ago, Irakotka said:

Should I just walk away without saying anything?  

Yes.  The sooner the better.

[MissCanuck]

You need to dump him before the sun goes down today. 

And take some time for yourself to restore your self-esteem. It's disappeared if you've been putting up with this for so long, and you need to get yourself back before you try dating again. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Irakotka said:

Should I be with him until he finds someone and dumps me? Should I be with him and pretend nothing happened? I’m 35 and I feel like I need a real man by my side.

Why wait? Sounds like he's a loser.

You don't sound so happy, yourself.  So, why keep draggin this on with an arrogant man who obviously doesn't appreciate you 😕 .

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Irakotka said:

 Did I tolerate too many things? Because I even have the feeling that I lost my dignity at some point 

Yes you tolerated too much disrespect and horrible behavior. However it's never too late to cut your losses especially now that you've gotten this Tinder wake-up call.  

[LINDA]

any updates i worry about her ??