What does that mean?

[Sindy_0311]

What does it mean when a male friend tells you he ratter see you than going out on a date? 

For the context, I met this guy two years ago through OLD. We saw each other 3 times. We had sex at that time. I wasn’t pursuing a serious relationship and neither did he. Than things faded out as I met a guy I had a real crush on. He would sometimes reach out to take some news but I didn’t keep conversations going. A few weeks ago he reached out again and we started texting a bit. Then I told him that I prefered not going any further as I was not interested in casual stuff anymore. And as I know him he might not be interested in just being friends, but surprisingly he agreed. We went for a drink two weeks ago, nothing happened but it was great. He was a gentlemen. Since then, he reaches out every day, also commenting my stories etc… Yesterday he asked for a drink tonight. Saying that he rather see me than going on an other date. He also mentions us going on a weekend trip, asking whether I chose the destination etc… is this a correct behavior for a guy who got friendzoned? Or is he still trying to get something out from me? 
I am asking because it’s a new situation for me. Never friendzoned a guy I already had sex with and I don’t want to open up to him only to find out that he was after booty… 

What do you think? 

[Batya33]

When you first raised this in your other thread I already assumed he wasn’t just interested in friendship. I’d be direct. Especially since you had sex in the past. If you can be direct with your body be direct now. “I’m not interested in hanging out with you as an alternative to a date. What are your intentions here?”

[Kwothe28]

People have lots of misconceptions about friendzone. First of all, he is not a friend, he was a guy who you had sex with. Second of all, based on that, what do you think he wants? Do you really think "friendship" is behind his interest and wanting to take you on a weekend trip? Or you would have one room and one bed on that trip?

So again, we go back to misconceptions. He is not your friend and he never was one. He was your "F buddy" who wants to get back to that. Nothing more, nothing less. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 Saying that he rather see me than going on an other date. 

It seems like he still likes you and you're familiar and comfortable for him. He may be striking out on dating apps. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

. He may be striking out on dating apps. 

I don’t think so. He sometimes tells me about his dates, joking about women’s weird behavior etc…

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’d be direct.

I told him more than once that I wasn’t interested by casual. He invited me to go to his place, and I told him that I preferred not.  Frankly we have been talking about what happened two years ago, the intercourses. And he said some things that made me think he is not honest with his intentions now. But I enjoy his company, he is funny, very interesting and I always felt comfortable with him. So really I don’t know… 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

... he said some things that made me think he is not honest with his intentions now. ...

He's had you on the back burner to strike whenever you're not so invested in another guy. Since past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, his ego bets that since you've had sex with him before, he can have it with you again. So sure, he'll say whatever you want. He'll even agree to not call it what it is, if that's what you want.

He bombed on getting you over to his place, so he's offering to take you away on an overnight.

I hope you're too smart to believe that this guy is all about a friendship without the benefits, Sindy. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 He invited me to go to his place, and I told him that I preferred not.   I enjoy his company, he is funny, very interesting and I always felt comfortable with him.

It's good you are clear with him, however inviting you to his place is pretty straightforward as to what he's looking for. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t think so. He sometimes tells me about his dates, joking about women’s weird behavior etc…

 

I told him more than once that I wasn’t interested by casual. He invited me to go to his place, and I told him that I preferred not.  Frankly we have been talking about what happened two years ago, the intercourses. And he said some things that made me think he is not honest with his intentions now. But I enjoy his company, he is funny, very interesting and I always felt comfortable with him. So really I don’t know… 

What don’t you know if you know he’s dishonest about what he’s looking for ? How is it you enjoy his company knowing he’s hoping to hook up again ? Kind of elephant in the room no? Or would you maybe be up for it in the right  situation?

[Andrina]

You have to think about the way you're setting up your life and if it's conducive to the goals you're trying to achieve.

I don't know if you're okay with dating guys who keep friends around who've they've slept with in the past. If that's okay with you, then being friends with an ex-lover will be okay since you will be dating likeminded guys.

Just know that makes your dating pool smaller since there are guys who wouldn't be comfortable dating you if you wind up becoming buddies with this guy. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger so I would only meet with him in public places, avoiding weekend vacations and spending time in one another's homes until you feel secure his intentions don't involve knocking boots. 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What don’t you know if you know he’s dishonest about what he’s looking for ? How is it you enjoy his company knowing he’s hoping to hook up again ? Kind of elephant in the room no? Or would you maybe be up for it in the right  situation?

I don’t know because I have never been in this situation before. I mean I had male friends, but they almost all tried something through time. But i never kept I touch with someone i dated casually. I enjoy his company because I think we are similar in some ways. And i don’t think I would be the only one woman on this hearth having a male “friend” secretly hoping for a hookup. Maybe I should just go for it. Lol 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

You have to think about the way you're setting up your life and if it's conducive to the goals you're trying to achieve.

 

I guess it’s not. I’m just trying to make new friends, enlarge my social circle.  But apparently this is not the right approach. 

[Jaunty]

It could become a literal "friends with benefits" situation.  Where you actually are friends who have sex sometimes.   I don't think it's actually common, usually the term is referring to people who are having sex without any real relationship.  

It doesn't sound like you're up for that though.  But if you were ... it's not wrong.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t know because I have never been in this situation before. I mean I had male friends, but they almost all tried something through time. But i never kept I touch with someone i dated casually. I enjoy his company because I think we are similar in some ways. And i don’t think I would be the only one woman on this hearth having a male “friend” secretly hoping for a hookup. Maybe I should just go for it. Lol 

It's fine if a person has a mild attraction to a platonic friend.  This isn't that -he's directly asking you to do date-like activities.  You don't have to have experience with this particular situation.  This is a former sex partner whose comments suggest he'd like to be  a current one. He won't be appropriate for a social circle because if you're dating someone that person will have to be comfortable around your former sex partner who likely will be flirtatious/suggestive and make your date uncomfortable.

[Sindy_0311]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's fine if a person has a mild attraction to a platonic friend.  This isn't that -he's directly asking you to do date-like activities.  You don't have to have experience with this particular situation.  This is a former sex partner whose comments suggest he'd like to be  a current one. He won't be appropriate for a social circle because if you're dating someone that person will have to be comfortable around your former sex partner who likely will be flirtatious/suggestive and make your date uncomfortable.

Yes I understand. Also when you mentioned him introducing me to some of his friends or other guys, I don’t think he would do it. One thing clear, I don’t want a FWB or anything with him. Maybe it’s a bit to soon to jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he didn’t fully understood what I told him. Because at the time we were hanging out together he would be insisting and I would finally accept. maybe he will grasp it… maybe not. We will see. I will stick to plans in public places for now, and no overnight thing. 

[Sindy_0311]

12 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It doesn't sound like you're up for that though.  But if you were ... it's not wrong.

Absolutely not up for that… not now lol 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes I understand. Also when you mentioned him introducing me to some of his friends or other guys, I don’t think he would do it. One thing clear, I don’t want a FWB or anything with him. Maybe it’s a bit to soon to jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he didn’t fully understood what I told him. Because at the time we were hanging out together he would be insisting and I would finally accept. maybe he will grasp it… maybe not. We will see. I will stick to plans in public places for now, and no overnight thing. 

There's nothing to grasp.  He sees you agreeing to hang out with him and when he asked you to go away overnight -that is not what a platonic male asks a former sex partner- did you then tell him your reason for saying no -or one of the reasons being you're not interested in casual sex with him? He understands he asked you to be alone with him overnight and in the past when you were alone together you had sex with him.  

It's fine to meet him in a public place -and no need for anything in depth - or any back story "I enjoy having lunch with you and hanging out and I'm not interested in anything intimate/sexual.  Nothing to grasp if you keep it simple.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Maybe it’s a bit to soon to jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he didn’t fully understood what I told him. 

What you told him about being friends? Again, he is not your friend, he never was. Not in a way you think of it anyway. You assume that just because you told him that you are friends that he accepted that. It doesnt work like that especially when you already had sex with him and reciprocitating his interest. Again, he wouldnt call you to his place or bother to take you away for a weekend if he doesnt have interest in having sex with you. Just because you assume he got what you mean by "friends" , doesnt make him suddenly your platonic buddy. Again, his actions show how he isnt interested in that and that he is pushing for sex arrangement. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Absolutely not up for that… not now 

You're both single free adults so if you want to just hang out.... or more one day, that's fine. Play it by ear and see what happens. 

[Sindy_0311]

46 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What you told him about being friends?

I think I was clear. When he reached out a few weeks ago, I told him that I’m not interested by casual sex anymore, he then asked why I was still on the dating app, I replied that I might find someone willing to build something more meaningful. Then I said I would be ok to have a drink someday as friends. (In fact I used the word “pote” which means buddy in French) after that he asked to meet. And since then he is the one who brings up the fact that I friendzoned him, using that exact word. He also calls me his buddy.  So I guess I was clear enough…

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think I was clear. When he reached out a few weeks ago, I told him that I’m not interested by casual sex anymore, he then asked why I was still on the dating app, I replied that I might find someone willing to build something more meaningful. Then I said I would be ok to have a drink someday as friends. (In fact I used the word “pote” which means buddy in French) after that he asked to meet. And since then he is the one who brings up the fact that I friendzoned him, using that exact word. He also calls me his buddy.  So I guess I was clear enough…

Then he’s not your friend. He’s not treating you like one. Friends don’t feel friendzoned. If he wanted to be your platonic friend he’d have been delighted you felt the same. It’s imbalanced. Don’t let yourself indulge in the rationalizing “but I’ve never been in this situation /maybe he just didn’t understand !” Then tell yourself when you go out for too many drinks - well you know the sex “just happened “ we were drunk and he’s so funny and fun etc. that’s just going to enhance your perspective that “men” are just after one thing. They are not.
Your person is very focused on having sex with you again and is playing along with this buddy buddy stuff. It’s a fun challenge for him. 

[Sindy_0311]

I know he is not my friend. I don’t give that label to anyone after a few weeks. I was just trying to see whether there was  a possibility he would be interested in building a platonic relationship or friendship with me, or call it whatever. Apparently not. So I will distance myself. No big deal. 

[Jaunty]

I don't tend to see things so black and white as many here do.

I have had friendships that have lasted a lifetime which started as a "friend zone" situation.  

It is quite simple:  Some people have a genuine connection that is not what they expected it to be at the beginning, and they both choose to explore it.  

[Sindy_0311]

38 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't tend to see things so black and white as many here do.

I have had friendships that have lasted a lifetime which started as a "friend zone" situation.  

It is quite simple:  Some people have a genuine connection that is not what they expected it to be at the beginning, and they both choose to explore it.  

I get your point. I have been friend during two years with one of my exes before having a relationship with him. Then We have been together during one year before my marriage, and four month just after it. We always kinda kept in touch through the years. He is still one of my best friend. I don’t see him often, but whenever I need to talk to someone he is there, and vice versa. We have been romantically involved but most of all we are important for one another because we have similarities and a strong connection due to our lives and experiences. I’m not even sure we won’t try it again in a few years… it’s possible. this kind of connection is not something you can just erase. I’m not saying it’s the same with the other guy, but to be honest, he is the only one “casual” guy I felt something special with. I think we are not compatible on many point (sexually included) but still…. What do you suggest me to do? 

[Jaunty]

@Sindy_0311 - I don't really have a suggestion.  To be honest, you are a little complicated for me to read.  You seem like you have times when you are really open to what is happening with a person and suddenly you just shut it down.   I completely understand that this can be the absolute best possible choice for you to make in any given circumstance and for a plethora of reasons.   

A situation where I personally would just keep hanging out because I was enjoying it, without really caring about the other stuff, might be an unhealthy situation for you or others.  

So I would not suggest continuing to hang out if you are finding his approaches confusing or possibly not genuine.  Or, perhaps likely to put you in a bad situation emotionally.

[Batya33]

I would continue hanging out unless you feel you will be tempted to have sex with him and as long as he doesn't come on strong about trying to get you to have sex with him again, since he doesn't want a potentially serious relationship with you.