She has signs of borderline disorder, should I reach out to her or should I wait

[Guest]

She broke up with me because I created deepfake of friends. It was a combination of curiosity and stupidity. I had and kinda still have a guilty conscience, that is why I told my ex. I wasnt trying to hide it, deleted everything for sure and regretted it as in the moment I did it, she felt like it was cheating. After telling me if she doesnt know of whom I created the pictures she couldnt trust me. I didnt want that, after telling her of whom I created the pictures, she broke up with me, insulted me in every way possible, blocked me everywhere and contacted the friends of which I used the pictures. I know I fcked up, but this reaction hurt me a lot since my intention behind all this was not to hurt anyone, as I said, I just was stupid and felt bad about it. I apologized to my friends, most of them ended the friendship, even those who were not affected by it. So I lost my girlfriend and 90% of my friends at once, which is my fault I know that, even though I do not think it is necessarily a reason to cut ties with someone, but this is completey up to them. They were my school friends and I had known them for more than 3 years. It just hurts.

I have been dealing with all this for more than 2 months now with the help of a therapist, and now that I do not feel heavy shame and guilt anymore because of what I did, the sadness kicks in. I just started to feel grief and I feel a little lost. My therapist changed how I view all this. I did a mistake, but my girlfriends seems to be triggered so much, that she must have some deeper insecurity and signs of borderline. That it at least what my therapist says.

I know that the break up was for the better, but I couldnt get closure. When she broke up with me she talked like 2 sentences to me, gave me all my stuff and was not interested in listening to me at all. Never would I have thought that she could be this cold, ignoring, even insult over and over again and betraying my trust with contacting my friends. She has a lot of mental conditions, heavy depression, eating disorder, suicidal thought in the past, tried to kill herself half a year before we met, and when she is angry she becomes so blind to everything you say and it seems like she cannot think clearly, you just feel miserable, because there is so real communication but rather pure, exaggerated critique. 

She is active on TikTok, she posted a few videos about me, in which she states that I was just a random guy, and that she feels better know without me. Those videos she deleted again. I do not use TikTok at all, I just visit her profile here and there, I know I should stop doing it and I will, but I have this strong need to talk to her once and for all. I do not want to get back with her, in no godda*m world is this going to happen, I just need a last conversation to finish it in my mind.

Should I leave her or reach out? I feel like with reaching out she will just throw more sh*t at my face and show me more hate, on the other side there is this strong wish for a conversation.

Thanks to anyone reading through all this mental chaos ❤️

 

[boltnrun]

Please leave her alone. She doesn't want to hear from you.

And I have no idea if she has "borderline" and neither does your therapist. That therapist diagnosing someone with a severe personality disorder based solely on what you told them is highly unprofessional. 

You have an opportunity to make new friends and start fresh. That's what I recommend. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, JayCube said:

She broke up with me because I created deepfake of friends. When she broke up with me she talked like 2 sentences to me, gave me all my stuff and was not interested in listening to me at all. 

Did she block you? Please continue to unpack and sort things out with your therapist. However your therapist can not diagnose her. Please leave her alone. She has a right to inform the people you did this to.

In some jurisdictions what you did is a crime.  Why put yourself at more risk,? Please consider focusing on yourself in therapy. The last thing you need is a restraining order against you or harassment and stalking charges.

You deliberately told this ex about this outrageous betrayal of her friends in a passive aggressive maneuver to get her to end things. And it worked. 

Your therapist needs to focus on You not make armchair diagnoses of someone else. 

[lostandhurt]

You screwed up so just own it and move on.  It doesn't matter if she has 3 heads and a tail, you screwed up and did an incredibly stupid thing and it ruined everything.

 Sometimes you just have to learn your lesson without the chance to set things right.  This is your penance so take it on the chin and let this go like a big boy.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, JayCube said:

she must have some deeper insecurity and signs of borderline. That it at least what my therapist says.

Then you need a new therapist. No decent therapist would dream of suggesting someone they had never met has a severe personality disorder. 

Your ex is hurt by your highly-inappropriate behaviour. That's all. She is lashing out because she doesn't have the tools right now to deal with her pain, but that does not mean she has BPD. That is a huge reach. 

6 hours ago, JayCube said:

I just need a last conversation to finish it in my mind.

Well, it might be tough cookies for you, Jay. You are not entitled to this and you might never get it. You need to find a way to make peace with it within yourself, as she doesn't owe you anything anymore. 

6 hours ago, JayCube said:

Should I leave her or reach out?

Leave her alone. There is no fixing this and she doesn't want to talk to you. 

It's time for you to move on and let go. Stop viewing her socials, too. Thatìs keeping you stuck. 

[JoyfulCompany]

14 hours ago, JayCube said:

I do not think it is necessarily a reason to cut ties with someone, but this is completey up to them. They were my school friends and I had known them for more than 3 years. It just hurts.

It's a solid reason to cut ties with someone and be gone for good. 3 years... so imagine the level of betrayal they must've felt that while you were playing a friend on the outside, you were also unethically heavily sexualizing them. And, actually those deepfakes could leak out somehow, even if you don't do anything with that purpose. Just imagine the consequences for everyone.

Anyway, I hope you learnt your lesson but I think you will have to seek closure and further forgive yourself on your own. I understand it will be very difficult. I hope you stay on the right path and do a lot of fruitful soul-searching.