Figuring things out..time to cut my losses?

[CountryG]

So my partner or maybe about to be ex partner and I have had a rough patch these last few weeks, he stayed away a few nights. Turns out he stayed at a womans house but was adament nothing happened. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he invited her over to ours for dinner and I quite liked her, and she admitted she didn't want to get in between us and seemed very sensible and level headed - I know her through mutual friends and she has been openly communicative with me. Anyway  I have found out the last week, that they have feelings for one another, so I have decided to 'dissapear' for a few days..

Back ground - partner and I been together over 9 years, have just purchased our dream property and about to start construction on a house. We are also in business together and obviously have many ties..

I know he has a not so clean history with past relationships, but being nearly 50 one would think he would grow out of that temptation.. The old saying runs true hey..

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, CountryG said:

 Anyway I have found out the last week, that they have feelings for one another, so I have decided to 'dissapear' for a few days. been together over 9 years, have just purchased our dream property and about to start construction on a house. We are also in business together and obviously have many ties..I know he has a not so clean history with past relationships, but being nearly 50 one would think he would grow out of that temptation.. 

Sorry this is happening. What is the rough patch about? What is your take on their "friendship" and why did he run to her during arguments? How did you find out they have feelings for each other? 

It seems you have a lot at stake and have invested a lot of time energy and money into the relationship. Has he cheated before or  been a philanderer? 

[CountryG]

My take is it is a 'non sexual' friendship, but there has been some subtle touching etc. They both admitted their feelings to me..

We haven't argued much, more so had many discussions and said things in heat of the moment that have been a bit hurtful. But in the past we always, always worked things out quickly.

I don't have concrete proof, but I believed he cheated in his past relationships. I think he may have even cheated with his ex before he and I were exclusive many years ago.

I think he is under the impression I am going to allow this other woman into our lives and we all live as one big happy family, err no..not for me..

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, CountryG said:

Turns out he stayed at a womans house but was adament nothing happened. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he invited her over to ours for dinner

Why is your partner staying at some women stranger home? Why is he inviting that woman to your home?

You are both exhibiting very poor boundaries. Him with cheating on you(he already sleped with her probably) and you with allowing that kind of behavior without throwing both of them out of the window along with his stuff. 

[CountryG]

I know, I am not proud of myself at all for allowing this, don't you think I am kicking myself here already! Hence why as of last night I decided to go off grid and not have any contact with him, but he doesn't know these intentions yet. I am looking out for ME now..

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, CountryG said:

I know, I am not proud of myself at all for allowing this, don't you think I am kicking myself here already! Hence why as of last night I decided to go off grid and not have any contact with him, but he doesn't know these intentions yet. I am looking out for ME now..

Why did you buy property with him without being married particularly knowing his penchant for straying?  I wouldn't focus on the technicalities here -his interactions with her are inconsistent with being in an exclusive, committed relationship.  Period.

[CountryG]

I know!

When we purchased property we were doing just fine.

I am really struggling.. I have only told those that need to know what is happening, that is work and a family member.

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, CountryG said:

I know!

When we purchased property we were doing just fine.

I am really struggling.. I have only told those that need to know what is happening, that is work and a family member.

I'm sorry you're struggling.  Interesting -so did neither of you wish to marry and yet when things were "fine" you purchased a house together? Interesting you didn't respond to my question.  My sense is "going fine" was him not straying at the moment - you had a low bar for some reason.  I hope you feel much better soon.  I'm sorry he was disloyal to you.

[CountryG]

We were/are engaged to be married...

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would pursue legal advice to learn all my options along with the best steps for each option so that I can make decisions and operate on real information rather than emotions alone. 

[CountryG]

18 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would pursue legal advice to learn all my options along with the best steps for each option so that I can make decisions and operate on real information rather than emotions alone. 

Thanks Catfeeder, that is exactly what I will be doing. In a short while when I am ready.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, CountryG said:

I know, I am not proud of myself at all for allowing this, don't you think I am kicking myself here already! Hence why as of last night I decided to go off grid and not have any contact with him, but he doesn't know these intentions yet. 

But ... it seems to me that you are "allowing" it even further by disappearing and leaving them to enjoy their time together alone.

I know you are hurting but I really think that you either need to fight for the relationship, if there is anything to actually fight for, or else succinctly break it off.  

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, CountryG said:

Thanks Catfeeder, that is exactly what I will be doing. In a short while when I am ready.

You can gather the information prior to being ready to do anything with it. Just gain it, put it on the back burner of your brain and allow it to heat up at your own pace—but at least you’ll have it.

I wouldn’t try to do this thing people do with doctors—they fumble around self-diagnosing until they’re ‘ready’ to face the doc to tell her or him what they believe to be wrong… skip that. You don’t need to know what you’re doing BEFORE allowing a professional to do what they’re trained to do. Let an attorney inform you while you listen and ask questions. THEN you can figure out what you want to do with the information.

Arm yourself with facts, and you can deal with the emotions later. This way, facts can inform your emotions. Otherwise, you can flail around with no guardrails to guide your thinking, and that doesn’t usually work out well in terms of your self interests.

Head high, be smart, and you will thank yourself later.

[MissCanuck]

I am gobsmacked that he had the stones to bring this woman around you. 

OP, you need to get rid of him. I know it will be more complicated in your case, given that you have untangle finances and property - but he has zero respect for you. 

This is not worth saving. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, CountryG said:

We were/are engaged to be married...

Yes and when was the wedding date? Please wait next time to be married before purchasing property.  I'd follow Catfeeder's advice and I'm sorry you're going through this and chose to stand by for all this time while he was behaving so disrespectfully.

[smackie9]

They both openly expressed their feelings for each other to you? Oh girl it's time to fold up your tent and leave.