Advice for a 5 year relationship falling apart

[Tpalm641]

Advice for a 5 year relationship falling apart.

Hello need some serious advice for a very stressful situation I'm in. First off id like to give a little background cause I think its relevant to the issue I'm facing. I'm 35 year old male. I have a lot of social anxiety and suffer from depression which I'm on medication for both. I don't have any friends. I talk to people at work on a casual but limited personal level. I'm not close with my family at all besides my father who recently has met someone else and we aren't as close as we once were. I have one sibling who I barely speak to. A mother who I am the only one In the family who speaks to. She has a lot of mental health issues and has been in and out of mental health institutions and homeless shelters.  Other than that my only outside social life consists of my girlfriend of 5 years. She has been the rock in my life and I'm am extremely dependent on her for my mental well being as well as a lot of other stables in my life. She is a big family person and enjoys spending a lot of time with her family which have invited me on multiple occasions to things but I've been avoiding for most of our relationship because it makes me super nervous being around people I don't know. Especially nervous because of how I feel for her that I'm afraid my social awkwardness will have them not like me. Iv been quite serious about her for awhile now and Iv been wanting to get a place with her. I live on my own currently and she lives with her parents. We've been recently having issues. The biggest issue is the fact iv been so absent in her families life. I believe her parents don't like me and want my gf to find someone better for her which I 100 percent understand. My biggest goal with her in the last I'd say 2 years is to find a place together. Iv tried extremely hard up to the point iv been pushy but she always says give it more time or avoids the conversation all together. Well recently I found out she was looking and got her own place and hid it from me up until the last week. I was extremely devastated. She told me during a conversation in which she was telling me she was thinking of breaking up cause I'm not a part of her family life and my depression was getting to her. She also told me she took another job that would inflict on our time together. Other than this after really taking a step back and looking at our relationship Iv realized besides my absence in her families life I've done alot of other bad things to her. I feel as though Iv always made her feel guilty for things she didn't want but I wanted for instance moving In together. I felt like I've been sexually abusive to her at times. By that I mean I love having sex with her cause its like our time and I truly love the emotional connection it brings us. But she is not as sexually active as I am and I feel like I am extremely pushy at times. Are sex life has been on the decline in recent years do to many factors of my behavior. It became and is extremely frustrating to me and made me more aggressive about it cause I felt like it was our way of connecting. I have also had many issues with my sense of humor that can be somewhat nasty to others and offends her at many times. I have always had a big sense of humor and always are trying to make jokes I believe to cope with my depression. I also suffer from a lot of anger issues especially when I comes to work. Iv always had issues with jobs and handling stress of a job. I tend to lash out at others or flip out do to stress. Whether it be verbally or physically throwing something. I tend to go job to job because of my quick dissatisfaction in the workplace or because of my anger issues. Which I believe is another issue I have with people. I am very easily turned off by others as well in which I mean I see the worst in people and don't really trust people in general besides my gf ofcourse. I tend to complain and let out all my lifes frustrations to my gf cause I really don't have anyone else to talk to or trust anyone else to talk to. It has brought her great burden and stress. I believe a combination of all these things has led her to make the choice to do what's best for her and move out and take another job. I really wanna change and I truly hate myself for what iv done to her. She wants to work things out but I can see the emotional connection with her is slowly slipping away. I wanted also to sit down with her parents as well and talk to them about why I've been so absent and how I wanna change it. I feel as though the damage is already done and she is a lot less emotionally invested in our relationship.sonetimes I feel like she stays with me do to the fact that she feels bad cause she realizes I'm so emotionally dependent on her. I hate myself and feel so guilty that I hurt the one person I loved so much. Talking a step outside myself and looking at the relationship. I realize how much I truly done wrong to her. The truth is I really want the best things in life for her and she deserves so much better than I could ever give her. She's such a wonderful human being and a good hearted person. Im so lost right now cause apart of me wants her to go find someone who can give her everything she deserves and another part of me wants to fight for her and change but don't know if it's too late. I am also so scared because she is moving further away and we will have less time together. But to be honest the thing I'm most fearful of is being alone. Cause without her I am probably just gonna sit on the couch by myself when I'm not at work and be very lonely. The thought of it all scares and depresses me so much. So any advice you can give is much appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[MissCanuck]

Don’t bother sitting her parents down. They aren’t the ones you really need to talk to right now.  

Sit down with her. Ask her if she still sees a future together, because the way I read it, she’s deliberately distancing herself from you and gaining more independence as a means of finding her way out of the relationship without suddenly blindsiding you with a break-up. 

She may already been emotionally done with this. But if she’s not, you two have some serious heavy lifting to do to improve this. Only you and she know whether either of you is really up to the challenge of that. 
 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

. Well recently I found out she was looking and got her own place and hid it from me up until the last week.  She told me during a conversation in which she was telling me she was thinking of breaking up cause I'm not a part of her family life and my depression was getting to her. 

Sorry this is happening. Please address your anger issues. Even though you are being treated for the mental health issues, it doesn't take care of being abusive to her.

Sorry to say, but she made the right decision getting her own place and distancing herself from you .  Please get help for the anger and abuse issues. 

[smackie9]

Your issues are preventing you from having a normal happy relationships with partners, family, friends, and coworkers. The common denominator is you. Whatever therapy/treatment you are receiving isn't working. They can't help you if you don't reveal everything that you are doing, and what is happening in your life. I know people who suffer, restrict or avoid talking about their issues to the professionals because they feel it's a waste of time or the it's anxiety controlling them. If your partner wants to leave let them go. Turn to the healthcare professionals to handle things for you....speak up, take action, take accountability, move forward helping yourself get better. 

[LotusBlack]

9 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

Advice for a 5 year relationship falling apart.

Hello need some serious advice for a very stressful situation I'm in. First off id like to give a little background cause I think its relevant to the issue I'm facing. I'm 35 year old male. I have a lot of social anxiety and suffer from depression which I'm on medication for both. I don't have any friends. I talk to people at work on a casual but limited personal level. I'm not close with my family at all besides my father who recently has met someone else and we aren't as close as we once were. I have one sibling who I barely speak to. A mother who I am the only one In the family who speaks to. She has a lot of mental health issues and has been in and out of mental health institutions and homeless shelters.  Other than that my only outside social life consists of my girlfriend of 5 years. She has been the rock in my life and I'm am extremely dependent on her for my mental well being as well as a lot of other stables in my life. She is a big family person and enjoys spending a lot of time with her family which have invited me on multiple occasions to things but I've been avoiding for most of our relationship because it makes me super nervous being around people I don't know. Especially nervous because of how I feel for her that I'm afraid my social awkwardness will have them not like me. Iv been quite serious about her for awhile now and Iv been wanting to get a place with her. I live on my own currently and she lives with her parents. We've been recently having issues. The biggest issue is the fact iv been so absent in her families life. I believe her parents don't like me and want my gf to find someone better for her which I 100 percent understand. My biggest goal with her in the last I'd say 2 years is to find a place together. Iv tried extremely hard up to the point iv been pushy but she always says give it more time or avoids the conversation all together. Well recently I found out she was looking and got her own place and hid it from me up until the last week. I was extremely devastated. She told me during a conversation in which she was telling me she was thinking of breaking up cause I'm not a part of her family life and my depression was getting to her. She also told me she took another job that would inflict on our time together. Other than this after really taking a step back and looking at our relationship Iv realized besides my absence in her families life I've done alot of other bad things to her. I feel as though Iv always made her feel guilty for things she didn't want but I wanted for instance moving In together. I felt like I've been sexually abusive to her at times. By that I mean I love having sex with her cause its like our time and I truly love the emotional connection it brings us. But she is not as sexually active as I am and I feel like I am extremely pushy at times. Are sex life has been on the decline in recent years do to many factors of my behavior. It became and is extremely frustrating to me and made me more aggressive about it cause I felt like it was our way of connecting. I have also had many issues with my sense of humor that can be somewhat nasty to others and offends her at many times. I have always had a big sense of humor and always are trying to make jokes I believe to cope with my depression. I also suffer from a lot of anger issues especially when I comes to work. Iv always had issues with jobs and handling stress of a job. I tend to lash out at others or flip out do to stress. Whether it be verbally or physically throwing something. I tend to go job to job because of my quick dissatisfaction in the workplace or because of my anger issues. Which I believe is another issue I have with people. I am very easily turned off by others as well in which I mean I see the worst in people and don't really trust people in general besides my gf ofcourse. I tend to complain and let out all my lifes frustrations to my gf cause I really don't have anyone else to talk to or trust anyone else to talk to. It has brought her great burden and stress. I believe a combination of all these things has led her to make the choice to do what's best for her and move out and take another job. I really wanna change and I truly hate myself for what iv done to her. She wants to work things out but I can see the emotional connection with her is slowly slipping away. I wanted also to sit down with her parents as well and talk to them about why I've been so absent and how I wanna change it. I feel as though the damage is already done and she is a lot less emotionally invested in our relationship.sonetimes I feel like she stays with me do to the fact that she feels bad cause she realizes I'm so emotionally dependent on her. I hate myself and feel so guilty that I hurt the one person I loved so much. Talking a step outside myself and looking at the relationship. I realize how much I truly done wrong to her. The truth is I really want the best things in life for her and she deserves so much better than I could ever give her. She's such a wonderful human being and a good hearted person. Im so lost right now cause apart of me wants her to go find someone who can give her everything she deserves and another part of me wants to fight for her and change but don't know if it's too late. I am also so scared because she is moving further away and we will have less time together. But to be honest the thing I'm most fearful of is being alone. Cause without her I am probably just gonna sit on the couch by myself when I'm not at work and be very lonely. The thought of it all scares and depresses me so much. So any advice you can give is much appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Sometimes the thing we need to do is also the hardest thing to do. I really believe you need to let her go because it is what is best for both of you, not just her. Then, find a therapist you really connect with and work through all of the concerning behaviours you exhibit. Your life will always be heavy and difficult if you approach each situation as you currently do. Talking with a therapist will give you much needed perspective and the tools to go forward in your life and make healthy decisions. 

If you love her (and yourself), let the both of you go so you can heal and grow. I do agree with the comment above that your gf made the right decision to get a place on her own, not just because of your behaviour but also because she’s lived with her parents and should experience the independence of living her own life now (or again if she has lived by herself before).