We live in different countries and the communication has changed

[Feibbed]

I met this guy back in Portugal when I went on an holiday. For context I am Portuguese and grew up in Portugal but I have been living in the UK for almost 10 years now.

I met him one night through mutual friends. We spent the whole night together, talking and laughing, it had been a long time since I had met someone I felt I had such a good connection with. He was meant to leave early but he stayed with me until the end, which I thought was cute. We didn't even kiss that night, but we kept talking everyday after that. I went back to the UK and he went on a holiday to a Portuguese island and invited me to go and meet him there. In the meantime we are talking everyday, he is FaceTiming me all the time, so I get used to this constant loving communication with him. It was super sweet.

I was a bit scared at first, but to be honest with you, I really felt like I needed to go and see how things could be between us, so I went, I was super nervous but it was actually amazing. I had such a great time with him, it was just perfect, we really connected and really cared for each other. When I came back to the UK after our trip together, we kept on talking to each other as usual, he had already mentioned he had plans to come and see me where I live so I was really excited.

I come back, and everything is fine at first. But then all of a sudden, he slowly starts pulling away but never terminating things if that makes sense. He was basically bread crumbing me, that's how it feels, keeping me near enough but not far enough kind of thing. He still talks to me etc but it wasn't the same. I gradually got worse and when I finally managed to speak to him on FaceTime, he explained that he was feeling very depressed and he was working a lot, he almost cried saying he didn't know how to feel better, that he was in therapy and it really wasn't helping and almost started crying talking about how he had these suicidal thoughts a few days back, saying that it was scary because he knew that wasn't him. I obviously showed compassion and supported him, told him it was good he was trying to heal in therapy etc. He told me he missed me a lot and he thought about me all the time and that he felt he was ruining something good. I told him to stop worrying about that.

Time passes and the communication is still not the same, I took a step back to give him the space because I felt like he needed it. I check in on him sometimes to make sure he's fine. Sometimes he replies and sometimes he doesn't but I tried not to blame myself for anything because he told me it wasn't me or anyone. I do tend to overthink so sometimes I let the worst of me take over. I was feeling so abandoned and sad, I was crying a lot, feeling sorry for myself. I tend to be like this and absorb everyone's emotions, I am very emotional and tend to feel very deeply and it's very hard to manage sometimes. And I kept feeling sad because he wasn't replying, and was declining my calls. I sent him a text, a bit sad/mad, telling him to call me back and he did. To my surprise, for him everything is okay and he is talking about the dates he is thinking of coming to see me, I explain how I feel and how he needs to also understand how is actions affect other people. I was sad, worried and all of that made me insecure.

Either way, next days I sent him a screenshot with some flights and told him which airport would be better for him to land on, I finished my message saying something like "hurry because I miss you". AND HE DIDNT REPLY. I let one day pass and I messaged him: You know it really makes me think you don't care about me when you don't reply to my messages. You know that right?"

I don't even know what kind of advise I need here. Am I stupid? Should I stop? He made me so happy, am I holding on to something that isn't real? Should I give him time? I am so confused. We had conversations of making us official before and it's just so confusing my heart and my mind are struggling to make a good decision. I still want to be here for him I miss him so much but I also am suffering a lot and hate feeling this way...

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Feibbed said:

Sometimes he replies and sometimes he doesn't but I tried not to blame myself for anything because he told me it wasn't me or anyone. I do tend to overthink so sometimes I let the worst of me take over. I was feeling so abandoned and sad, I was crying a lot, feeling sorry for myself. I tend to be like this and absorb everyone's emotions, I am very emotional and tend to feel very deeply and it's very hard to manage sometimes

This may very well be true but I'd venture that even people who don't overthink or "absorb" everyone else's emotions or feel as deeply as you do.... wouldn't go for the flakiness and would want to date a person not a project. He told you he is not in a good way.  The erratic flakiness is not a surprise despite being tatcless and uncaring.  I would back off other than telling him if he needs help finding mental health resources you're happy to help/listen to what his options are.  Does he take drugs/is he on meds that might be affecting his mental health?

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Feibbed]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This may very well be true but I'd venture that even people who don't overthink or "absorb" everyone else's emotions or feel as deeply as you do.... wouldn't go for the flakiness and would want to date a person not a project. He told you he is not in a good way.  The erratic flakiness is not a surprise despite being tatcless and uncaring.  I would back off other than telling him if he needs help finding mental health resources you're happy to help/listen to what his options are.  Does he take drugs/is he on meds that might be affecting his mental health?

I'm sorry you're hurting.

When he opened properly to me and let himself be vulnerable he did say that he was a bit spiralling with alcohol and drugs because he felt that was the only thing that would tame his thoughts at the moment. He is in therapy and he mentioned that he had been through a mental health crisis similar to this one before, and that at the time he managed to "crawl out of his hole" by himself but he felt like he needed more help this time, like medication. I obviously supported him. When I tell him I'm worried he tells me I don't have to worry about him, if I tell him how I feel and how his actions are affecting me he always apologises and tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he's not well, I don't want to blame him or hurt him more, but I feel like he is not respecting my boundaries either. I just want transparency.. even if it means him telling me he doesn't know.

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, Feibbed said:

Am I stupid? Should I stop? He made me so happy, am I holding on to something that isn't real? Should I give him time?

Sorry about all this. 

Answering these questions in short form: No. Yes. Likely. No. 

In more detail: Ultimately, I think it's very rare for these sorts of connections—forged on vacations, away from reality, and all the more exciting because of that—to evolve into more. Not impossible, no, but one of those things where the odds are against you. Texting, FaceTiming: these things can provide a certain kind of fuel—and often the illusion of beating those odds—but in truth they are not a substitute for the sort of connection that gets forged face to face, which is why these sorts of things tend to end with one or both people fading, as the weight of distance and reality eclipses the brief time shared. 

Remove your imagination from this for moment—meaning all the sparkly thoughts about where this might go—and what do you have? You have a guy who, after one night and a vacation, became very, very flaky. If you both lived two blocks away from each other, it would the be a momentarily promising dating scenario that didn't pan out. That doesn't mean your connection wasn't "real," but that everywhere you hoped it would go has been revealed, sadly, to be a wish that's not in line with reality. Through actions and through words he has been very clear that he does not have it in him to give you what you want and deserve. Think of that as a fact, rather than a verdict on you, because it's not. 

In your shoes I would do now for yourself what he cannot, which is tend to your heart. That most likely means putting an end to this thing, as in a very short time it seems to have caused you far more anguish than joy. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Feibbed said:

When he opened properly to me and let himself be vulnerable he did say that he was a bit spiralling with alcohol and drugs because he felt that was the only thing that would tame his thoughts at the moment. He is in therapy and he mentioned that he had been through a mental health crisis similar to this one before, and that at the time he managed to "crawl out of his hole" by himself but he felt like he needed more help this time, like medication. I obviously supported him. When I tell him I'm worried he tells me I don't have to worry about him, if I tell him how I feel and how his actions are affecting me he always apologises and tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he's not well, I don't want to blame him or hurt him more, but I feel like he is not respecting my boundaries either. I just want transparency.. even if it means him telling me he doesn't know.

Telling him you’re worried is fine. And it’s not support. He sounds like he has issues with alcohol and drugs. For all you know he’s feeling effects of past intense drug or alcohol use. I’d limit future interactions to offering to help him find help if he needs that sort of help and only if he reaches out. I’d stop telling him how you feel about his treatment if you as you already told him and he doesn’t really care enough to change his behavior.  I’m sorry !  I agree with Bluecastle 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Feibbed said:

 he did say that he was a bit spiralling with alcohol and drugs because he felt that was the only He is in therapy and he mentioned that he had been through a mental health crisis similar to this one before, I know he's not well, I don't want to blame him or hurt him more, but I feel like he is not respecting my boundaries either. 

Sorry this is happening. It's understandable you're worried about him, he seems quite unstable. However try not to take it personally. His lack of consistency and reliability is related to his drugs, alcohol and mental health issues.

Please step back. Let him contact you but please don't search for flights or expect a relationship to develop or continue. He doesn't seem to be ready willing or able to maintain a relationship, and especially long distance. 

[Andrina]

Really, when you're out there among crowds of people on vacation, it's so common to meet someone you'll share chemistry with. But as said, LDRs that don't start locally for a lengthy time first, have an extremely high rate of failure. Too many cons.

He really didn't have to lift a finger, with you doing all the major effort, so it worked for him until you expected the behavior reserved for serious couples. You're the one who accepted the invite and paid to fly to see him, and then I'm assuming you had sex, which made you bond with him in a stronger way than if you had abstained before seeing if he was good dating material.

And then you didn't wait for him to initiate communication, double texting, etc, without any equal effort from him. Don't ever be so desperate that you have to nag and plea for equal effort. It's the point of vetting. Make an exit when you see a person doesn't value you.

I'd stick to local dating, so you can gradually get to know someone and not invest so quickly. You can also more easily see skeletons in the closet if there are any, sooner.

A person who is having alcohol/drug problems isn't dating material, and even if recently sober, shouldn't date for a good year while seeking sobriety. Since you didn't plan on cutting him loose, it's concerning that's not a dealbreaker for you. It should be.

Time to block and delete. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll no longer think of him on a daily basis. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

I would chalk this up to a vacation fling, but understand it's likely not going to develop from here. 

He's too erratic and his interest isn't consistent enough anymore to make this work. It also sounds as though he's got some serious personal issues that would render a relationship (especially a long-distance one) impossible. 

I'm sorry. I would give yourself time to heal and get past this, but I would not waste more emotional energy on this guy. He's letting it fade. 

[catfeeder]

The fabulous thing about vacation romances is that they take place in a protective bubble that keeps an intense focus on the buzz of all things fabulous. Communication to set up another vacay bubble right away would be in keeping with that fabulousness.

But when the real world pushes in, it pops that thing. Whether the guy hit a low or he's just back to focusing on his real world, he's not up for playing fabulous anymore.

This isn't a reflection on you, it only means that you were more invested in trying to integrate the vacation buzz into your real world. That's not always possible for many people.