I need help trusting again

[BrambleFrost]

Hi. Before I begin i wanted to state that in no way do i wish to break up with my partner. I understand that this is a very sticky situation, and it can be a deal breaker in other people's situations. So please respect that. Now i seek advice on how to navigate the situation. 

So a few weeks ago my partner and I discovered that we enjoy some harder kinks. We tried them out and in the mist of things i became uncomfortable with a particular activity and used our safe word. However it was ignored, i tried multiple times to get them to stop by repeating our safe word However they were not responsive to it. They did notice my changes in mood though and paused to check up on me. I explained what happened and they obviously felt guilty, they also asked me if i wanted to stop completely and knowing how higher their libido is i allowed them to finish but without the kinks. After all that i found that i had lost my trust in them, i no longer trust that they will respect our safe word during intimacy (Or my self in turn). But now the issue is that my partner is heavily sexualy frustrated and I am not comfortable with intimacy. Although I myself would love to be able to participate again, i cannot bring myself to do it. Now my question is what can they or i do to bring that trust back? 

[JoyfulCompany]

I'm really sorry for what happened. You know what's the word for it and I'm sorry you're only open to hear certain opinions. I will just say that when your safety has been violated, you having lost your trust is the most natural and smart reaction a human can have. It's a self-preservation mechanism that you shouldn't want to mute.

It's not okay for what happened to happen, it's not okay you thought it's better to ignore yourself and continue because of whatever-libido-reason of the other party and it's not okay they're suddenly acting frustrated, instead of highly concerned. It shows me they know what they did, are okay with it and feel entitled.

I'm sorry I can't give you an answer you would like to hear. I had to say this, if not for you, then for someone else that might read your thread. I will respect your wish and leave the discussion. I hope you're safe.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BrambleFrost said:

 i became uncomfortable with a particular activity and used our safe word. However it was ignored, i tried multiple times to get them to stop by repeating our safe word However they were not responsive to it. After all that i found that i had lost my trust in them, i no longer trust that they will respect But now the issue is that my partner is heavily sexualy frustrated and I am not comfortable with intimacy. 

 How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he?

Sorry this is happening. It's understandable after being assaulted that you lost trust. Please keep in mind that sex is supposed to be consensual and he violated this. His "frustration" is not your problem. The problem is he violated your trust and continued despite your pleas to stop.

Please privately and confidentiality see  qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please be frank and open with the therapist. There are therapists familiar with the BDSM community and the issues unique to your situation.  Please realize that BDSM doesn't mean anything goes. It's particularly important to have a mutual understanding of what is and is not consensual. 

[BrambleFrost]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he?

Sorry this is happening. It's understandable after being assaulted that you lost trust. Please keep in mind that sex is supposed to be consensual and he violated this. His "frustration" is not your problem. The problem is he violated your trust and continued despite your pleas to stop.

Please privately and confidentiality see  qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please be frank and open with the therapist. There are therapists familiar with the BDSM community and the issues unique to your situation.  Please realize that BDSM doesn't mean anything goes. It's particularly important to have a mutual understanding of what is and is not consensual. 

We've been together for 4 years, We are 21,and yes we do live together. Im currently seeing a therapist who has been helping me with my depression and anxiety but she does specialize in DV and SA as well so i will be discussing this with her. Although i will also be looking for a couple's counselor seeing as we clearly have issues with boundaries, might see if i can find one who is familiar with the BDSM community like you suggested. 

[Jaunty]

Does this guy agree that you have issues with boundaries?  Do you believe that he will go to couples' counseling with you and put in efforts to learn how to maintain boundaries?

In the years you've been together, in what other ways has he overrun your boundaries?  I'm sure it's happened in non-kinky sex and other ways too.  

How did you handle it in other types of situations?

One thing for certain:  You can't have a healthy relationship without respected boundaries and absolutely NO WAY to practice BDSM in a healthy way without them.  So please do not go into therapy with the goal of subsuming your own needs for safety and trust so you can "satisfy" this guy's horniness.  

 

 

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, BrambleFrost said:

We've been together for 4 years, We are 21,and yes we do live together. Im currently seeing a therapist who has been helping me with my depression and anxiety but she does specialize in DV and SA as well so i will be discussing this with her. Although i will also be looking for a couple's counselor seeing as we clearly have issues with boundaries, might see if i can find one who is familiar with the BDSM community like you suggested. 

I don't think sexual assault which happened to you is unique to the BDSM "community".  I would hope that most couples counselors are familiar with issues of consent and sexual assault. Hopefully the counselor can show you that there's no counseling needed when it's as simple a matter as you said NO and he violated you.  You then decide whether you risk more assault. And he has to show you why you should trust him again.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/7/2023 at 4:58 PM, BrambleFrost said:

. Im currently seeing a therapist who has been helping me with my depression and anxiety but she does specialize in DV and SA as well so i will be discussing this with her. 

Excellent. Definitely discuss what happened frankly with the therapist. Please be prepared for whatever outcome there is including needing to let go of the relationship if it's taken an unhealthy path. 

[waffle]

Has your partner expressed an interest in earning back your trust?