After 35 years, I have officially separated from my toxic family

[Deejmonster]

A bit of background, I have struggled with my family unit for many years. College and being on my own has allowed me to separate myself from my family most of the time but I would still communicate with my mother pretty regularly via phone and would see them during the holidays. I live almost 6 hours away from them and have been away for 12 years.

As an adult, I definitely noticed traits with my mother (mostly) that told me that we were not cut from the same cloth. We have different personalities, political views, goals, and stances on a lot of things, but I tried to just "bear with it" for the sake of family. I really noticed the trouble brewing about 5 years ago once I became engaged to my now wife. While my family never has come out and said anything negative about her, I can sense that there is some animosity there. We have never attempted to do anything that would hurt them and therefore there is no real reason to dislike her, but I digress.

My family had a pretty big blow up about 3-4 months prior to my wedding. My mother didn't feel included in the planning process and although we invited her to come out for certain planning events, she always denied the requests for one reason or another. A fight erupted when I changed jobs and my mother disagreed with my career move, and felt that I was simply doing it for the money and that I was rushing into a new position. Words were said, and she threatened to not come to my wedding. (She ended up coming). She acted strangely the entire time, making thing weird for my wife and I but I figured that maybe she just needed time. Mom disagreed with my wife and I's honeymoon choice (Hawaii) and told us that we didn't deserve to go, and it was something that you should earn. We had saved for well over 2 years to prepare for the trip as to not put money on credit cards.

Since 2019, my wife and I have had 3 miscarriages, one successful pregnancy to an amazing little girl who has changed my life, we have moved to a bigger home and my wife has started a new job. Since 2019, we have seen my family twice. Once as a stay over at their place, and we met half way across the state last year for them to finally meet their granddaughter. They have met their granddaughter once in almost 2 years. We have invited them out multiple times so that my niece (who lives with them) could see the beach, so they could see our new home which we are very proud of, and have tried to coordinate visits with them over a dozen times for major holidays and get togethers. My mother would always agree then at the last minute, sometimes 1-2 days prior, cancel on us. I have tried to talk to her about it as this has been a huge elephant in the room over the past 4 or so years but we never could get to a point to resolve it. My brother was my best man at my wedding and turned down the opportunity to be my daughters' god father. He has never met my daughter. I haven't really spoken to him as he will also not return my calls. 

About 3 weeks ago, my mom and I got into a very loud and drawn out argument over the phone. Emotions got the best of us and 4 years of mistakes and transgressions finally came out. Screaming, hollering, crying, you name it. Not once was she able to give me with a reason for why she has acted this way towards me and it seems like she hasn't let go of things that happened long ago. I asked why we were always denied access to the family, why she never allowed us to come out, etc., and it was always something about how it was my fault that we don't face time with my daughter and a bunch of excuses about things I supposedly said years ago. Even after hearing it all, I attempted to apologize and explain that I do not ever remember saying these things to her, and maybe she took things out of context or misunderstood something. She reminded me that none of it was her fault and that I should shoulder all of the blame. I don't know what I did wrong to begin with. 

I found out that my brother is married and has adopted my niece and they all live with my parents now. I found out a lot of secrets that were hidden from me that really don't matter as if I wouldn't be able to handle the information. I was told that I was a despicable person and fed excuses for everything that has happened. I reminded her that I do not recall saying a lot of the things that she was accusing me of and she BLEW UP on me in a way that I have never seen before, telling me that I was calling her an F'ing liar and hung up the phone. 

My brother called me for the first time in 4 years immediately after asking what happened because he could hear her on the other side of the home. I explained that we had a disagreement and obviously have a differing matter of opinions on things and that all I wanted to do was get to the bottom of the issues at hand. I told him that we have been denied access to seeing him and the rest of the family for well over 4 years and we don't understand why. He told me the truth. It wasn't that things may have come up or fell through that caused them to cancel, it was that my own mother "Didn't want my face in her house". He informed me that he only hears what she tells him, and he thinks that I'm an absolute *** bag and that he will always side with her. He informed me that his wife, whom I have never met, also considers me to be a *** bag. He admitted in the same breath that our own mother can't know that he is talking to me because she has a gag order on me in the house. He is 36 years old, married, and has an adopted niece and he allows her to control him like he is a child.

My mother has raised him and I both to believe that she will always be smarter than us, will always be right, she has a better memory that we do and can remember conversations from years ago, and that we will never win against her. She will never admit when she is wrong and will do whatever it takes to pit someone against the other for her own personal gain. My wife told me once that when she first met my mother, she sat there and talked about all the accomplishments of my brother and sister and never once said anything about how great I was. She hates the state that I live in for no apparent reason, she believes I am not doing enough with my degree's and that my career will never be as good as my brothers. I will never be good enough for her.

I decided to write a letter to both my mother and father yesterday explaining my feelings, the fact that I have tried for years to fix these issues but they will not allow it, and exposed her true feelings about me from my conversations with my brother that night. I told her that I despise who she has become and that I hate that she will never make me feel like an adult. I told her that I am ashamed that she has made no effort to meet her own grand daughter and that I would not bring my daughter into this mess. I really wanted it to work when this all started, but after some deep thought, I don't want to be a part of this toxic family. Even if we were able to reconcile, she wouldn't change and I would be walking on egg shells around her for the rest of my days. I will not put my family unit through this. Letter went in the mail this morning but I still have conflicting feelings about the whole thing, like I am making a mistake in telling them that I no longer want to be associated with them. A part of me thinks that family should stick together, but I cannot take the anxiety of dealing with this non-sense for the years to come. It isn't healthy and I have had enough. I will not bring my wife and child into this type of toxic situation. I expect her to call me once she receives the letter, and a part of me wants to pick up the phone. She called me the other night at 11:15pm knowing that I would likely be sleeping. I was awake and chose not to answer it as she needs to respect my boundaries. The letter was pretty final. There was no option to leave the door open, but I feel a sense of remorse/guilt now that it is in the mail. Could it be trauma response?

I could go into so much more detail but for the sake of it, I think this gets my situation across. 

FYI, I am 35, married, I own a home and hold a masters degree and work in Project Management for a living. I have so much to be proud of with the life that I have built for myself.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Deejmonster said:

 I am 35, married, I own a home and hold a masters degree and work in Project Management for a living. I have so much to be proud of with the life that I have built for myself.

You've made a lot of difficult but excellent decisions. You could write the letter to get things out there but you probably know she'll never change.

 Does she have any history of mental illness?  She seems like a broken person. It's great you're moving forward with your own new family. How is the extended family? 

[Deejmonster]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You've made a lot of difficult but excellent decisions. You could write the letter to get things out there but you probably know she'll never change.

 Does she have any history of mental illness?  She seems like a broken person. It's great you're moving forward with your own new family. How is the extended family? 

We have no other family. She cut out her side entirely when my brother and I were really little. I always believed that they were terrible people because that is what we were lead to believe. I have never really met them so I don't have much to go off. On my dad's side, we were very close with his parents up until they passed, and he only had one brother who was also cut out of the family for trying to steal family inheritance/not believing my grandfather was truly his dad.

My sister is also estranged. My siblings and I are all adopted. She has severe mental illness and I fully understand why it needed to happen as she was a danger to the family and sometimes herself. She has been through the system multiple times. She is adopted.

I strongly believe that there is some deep seeded mental illness (high functioning though) but that is a line that I would never be able to cross with asking/suggesting her. 

See the pattern?...

We don't really have family so it makes it easier in that sense. My wifes family is huge and very supportive. I think its threatening to my parents in a way.

[Lambert]

I'm sorry for all you're going through and have been through. family arguments over years is something I can relate to. 

Now that you've sent the letter, I'd probably just focus on my wife and child.  Be happy anyway. No one has a perfect life.  Conflicts happen and we all should rise above them to get along. unfortunately, we can't do it one sided. 

[Deejmonster]

Just an update. My mother attempted to call me after 11:30pm on Saturday night and I ignored the phone call because it was late and to me it was pushing boundaries. I mailed my letter to her on Tuesday and expect that it will be delivered today or tomorrow at the latest. I got an email from her this afternoon stating that she has tried multiple times to get ahold of me to inform me that my grandfather suddenly passed away on Saturday. I haven't spoken to the man in over 20 years and really do not have any feelings about it. I didn't know him. 

To my knowledge, she hasn't spoken to him in about the same amount of time, and so I do not fully understand why she needs to inform me on two different occasions about it. I feel that it is an attempt for her to get me to reach out to her and I am not biting. This would be her father who passed away, the same parents that she cut out of her life many years ago. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Deejmonster said:

 I feel that it is an attempt for her to get me to reach out to her and I am not biting. 

That's what it seems like. Definitely keep your distance and don't fall for drama traps. 

[Deejmonster]

Final (hopefully) update. Received a phone call from my brother this morning. I let it go to VM. He left a very nasty message stating that they received the letter and that they never wish to communicate with me or my family again. In the end, the truth finally came out that they hate my wife and think that she is a disgusting human being and they do not care who knows it. My wife has never done anything to them but we have suspected that they didn't like her for a long time, but had no evidence to support it as my mother would never cross the line in verbally saying it, until now. My wife picked up on it from when we were still dating. She had said that my mother had made comments to her in the past that didn't sit right with her and that it was almost like she (mom) wanted my wife to treat her and communicate with her like they were best friends and felt threatened when this didn't happen. They believe that she is puppeteering me through life, when in reality, my wife finally helped me to gain distance from them and truly see how they have treated me over the years. My wife respected my decision to leave and stated that she didn't want to get involved with the decision because it wasn't her place and that her opinion who likely have an effect on my decision. I totally respected that. I truly feel as though I should have done this a lot sooner and maybe should have listened to my wife's concerns about them earlier rather than just chalking it up to "family drama".

[tattoobunnie]

On 10/31/2023 at 3:38 PM, Deejmonster said:

FYI, I am 35, married, I own a home and hold a masters degree and work in Project Management for a living. I have so much to be proud of with the life that I have built for myself.

Are you my husband minus, 10 years in the past, give or take a few details, and my MIL has never been permitted to meet our kids.

Sorry you have a mom with a Cluster B Narcissistic personality disorder, who's raised your brother to be one as well.  There is no cure. They will never change.  And there absolutely is nothing wrong with being estranged from toxic family members.

[Starlight925]

First of all, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Toxic family members are the worst.

Secondly, I agree with @tattoobunnie that you are dealing with a personality disorder.  Narcissism with a touch of Borderline thrown in just for the fun of it.  Eggshells, never feeling like you're good enough, being compared to "perfect" older brother and all that.

It would help you to read up on this stuff.  There is a ton of great info, as this Cluster of disorders is more and more widely written about, and very specifically, about adult children of narcissistic parents.

I'm not sure if we are allowed to post links here, but I'm happy to DM with your privately to let you know what I went through in finally releasing all of this from my own life, which involved intense, specialized therapy for which I traveled to another state.

There are often different childhood roles "assigned" by a narcissistic parent:  Golden Child, Scapegoat, and Forgotten One.  You can guess which one each of you is.

Your mother doesn't hate your wife.  She hates that you are focused to another woman who has a greater emotional hold on you than she does.  She bore you a child, so that is yet another huge emotional string that your mother can't control.  So she not only doesn't want to get to know them, she "hates" them.

You are doing great.  You have built a terrific life and you should be proud.  If your parents have never told you, I hope you know how wonderful you are.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Your mother doesn't hate your wife.  She hates that you are focused to another woman who has a greater emotional hold on you than she does.  She bore you a child, so that is yet another huge emotional string that your mother can't control.  So she not only doesn't want to get to know them, she "hates" them.

Yep. The only thing these people know about your wife is that they can't manipulate her.

It's interesting that your father  doesn't even get a mention.

This woman has eclipsed 2 men who can't operate for themselves, and she's just p'd that she can't do it to you, too.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll consider getting some counseling to help you unpack this.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Deejmonster said:

. He left a very nasty message stating that they received the letter and that they never wish to communicate with me or my family again. 

That's ok since you are distancing yourself from them anyway. Try not to add more fuel to the fire with letters expecting them to change. 

[Deejmonster]

Happy new year everyone! Just another update, thought the last one would be my last...

The wife and I sent out Christmas cards (a little late this year) and a few of them were addressed to relatives or family friends that are still in contact with my parents. I didn't get them out in time for Christmas, but assumed that they would be shipped on 12/26. 

On Friday (12/29) I got an unsolicited and very unexpected call from my mom. I didn't answer as I was in the dentist office. She left me a voicemail. Then sent me a text, then sent me an email, then proceeded to call, leave a voicemail and text my wife in about a 5-min span. Wife didn't answer her either. At first, I thought that maybe something had happened to my dad, but chose not to respond. I played the voicemail and could hear from her tone of voice that she wasn't happy about something, but didn't indicate about what. My wife and I spoke about it and I told her that I didn't feel the need to call her back as I have asked to be left alone and I do not wish to communicate with them anymore. My wife was concerned that maybe something happened in the family and that is when I remembered that Christmas cards probably got delivered and she didn't get one. She is likely angry that I still choose to communicate with neighbors and friends outside of the immediate family and likely would prefer that I stop. (Just my guess).  She chose to be non-descript as a way to lure me out in the case that I thought that something terrible happened but really she just needed a punching bag for "sending Christmas cards"

Like WTH...

[tattoobunnie]

20 hours ago, Deejmonster said:

She chose to be non-descript as a way to lure me

Common tactic for a narcissist to be vague in their messages.  Block her.  She will soon try to reach you by using other people's phones, or have them call it.  It sucks (them trying to be sneaky), but the estrangement is worth its weight in gold.  

I am a big fan of Call Control because it answers and hangs up, so they are unable to leave messages.  And it is connected to QKSMS that blocks their texts.

[Cherylyn]

After you've exhausted all avenues,  many times,  the only peace there is comes from estrangement.  Do what works best with your enforced healthy boundaries,  self preservation and security.