Cold Romance..

[Ellie Cobain]

Hi, I've just joined I'm Ellie hello out there!! 😊

Basically, I'm struggling with feelings at the moment, reunited with my ex boyfriend, back now over two years but I'm preminately feeling cold emotionally and physically at the moment... We have had alot of issues it's true from both families, his mates but of late he's so cocky and rude to me.. He's in a stressful job, exhausts him but he won't leave because of the pay.. I cancelled an overnight stop because of him going on with himself.. 

I'm taking a break from him.. My sister says its best, but I don't understand my cold feelings... I used to be so in love with him but now.. I don't feel the same.. It changes alot.. 

[Batya33]

Feelings aren't facts.  The facts are he didn't treat you properly so now that you see the real him -and aspects of him that don't work for you or are negative for you -your feelings of love aren't going to withstand all of that.  Also the feeling of being in love is- great- but even better is feeling inspired to give to another person -and you no longer feel inspired.  There's nothing to understand -feelings are feelings - like I feel chills when I hear certain music - unexplainable -because feelings aren't facts.  

I'm glad you're taking a break from him. Your sister is right and I think with time and distance you'll realize how the dots connect and you might know why you were feeling that way.  I felt that way once - and many years later was able to connect the dots when we met up and he told me something he'd not told me at the time.

[Andrina]

Well, a partner regularly being rude to you would kill the love, wouldn't it? How stressful a job is doesn't give a person a free pass to lash out at anyone. Time to find some peace in your life, so continue flying solo. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Ellie Cobain said:

I'm taking a break from him.. ... I used to be so in love with him but now.. I don't feel the same.. It changes alot.. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating altogether? What were the other arguments and breaks and breakups about? What exactly are the "issues"?

How old is he? Do you live together? If he's being verbally abusive and rude, why do you stay?

Please talk to trusted friends and family. Read up on relationship red flags. Consider setting yourselves free and cutting your losses. There's no point staying together if you can't get along and don't love him anymore.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 hours ago, Ellie Cobain said:

Hi, I've just joined I'm Ellie hello out there!! 😊

Basically, I'm struggling with feelings at the moment, reunited with my ex boyfriend, back now over two years but I'm preminately feeling cold emotionally and physically at the moment... We have had alot of issues it's true from both families, his mates but of late he's so cocky and rude to me.. He's in a stressful job, exhausts him but he won't leave because of the pay.. I cancelled an overnight stop because of him going on with himself.. 

I'm taking a break from him.. My sister says its best, but I don't understand my cold feelings... I used to be so in love with him but now.. I don't feel the same.. It changes alot.. 

Hello back at ya Ellie and welcome! 😀   

I'm sorry you're struggling, I've been there too. 

A couple of questions.

How has your boyfriend been "cocky and rude", can you give examples?   

My opinion is that in long term relationships, feelings like happiness, sadness, joy, anger even boredom can fluctuate sometimes depending on what's happening, but the love between you should always be there, no matter what. 

Are you saying that there are moments when you feel your love for him has died?

I'm curious how often do you see each other?  Reason I ask is because in certain situations taking some space away from each other from time to time can be a good thing for the relationship and as individuals. 

I think a break would be good. Typically when couples need a break, it often means they should "break up" but there isn't enough context here to make that determination.

If you could provide more context and answer the questions that have been asked, it would be helpful.  :))

 

 

[catfeeder]

There’s rude that’s deliberate, and then there’s our own interpretations of behavior that we decide is rude. What has he done?

[lostandhurt]

Could it be you fell in love with who you wanted him to be and now you see him for who he really is?

It happens when people get back together.  They miss each other and only remember the good times but once back together things are different.  The honeymoon phase end quickly, old troubles find their way back and the fondness has faded so we tend to look at our partner with a harsher light and many times do not like what we see.

Let's say he quit that job but some time down the road there are other stressors in his life.  Then what? Maybe you have children, maybe a big mortgage?  How people handle the hard times shows a lot about who they are and what kind of partner they will be long term.

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

It happens when people get back together.  They miss each other and only remember the good times but once back together things are different.  The honeymoon phase end quickly, old troubles find their way back and the fondness has faded....

I agree!  I used to blog about this - the phenomenon of couples being extremely unhappy, their love has died, so they break and thus begin missing each other, "longing" for each other, mistaking longing for loving.  

So they get back together only to have the same issues that broke them up the first time, repeat. 

Loving - cherishing and valuing what you DO have.

Longing - craving what you DON'T have, sometimes obsessively.

I've become convinced this is why formerly unhappy couples get back together, mistaking their "longing" for  "loving."

It can become a toxic and vicious cycle in some cases.  The dreaded "on/off" type of relationship.

Something to consider?