My boyfriend prefers to distance himself than talk things out

[Chile]

My long distance boyfriend started acting weird for some days and i didn't ask because i felt he'll approach me first and he's having exams so i thought it was just that...after four days i reached out and he said he doesn't know what's wrong but he's been upset and he just doesn't know and he said i should've asked him what was wrong. Naturally i feel bad that he didn't tell me anything but i argued that he should've said something because he wasn't communicating and it wasn't fair to me, could've said he's going through something and he can't be available now. When i wanted to talk it out and fix it he distanced himself again and I'm doing the same because i think he should know how to communicate with someone he claims to love and also he's been posting tiktoks about not being good enough for me and I'm really hurt. Please am i doing the wrong thing by distancing myself too?? 

[MissCanuck]

Before I comment, can I ask how old both of you are?

How long have you been together, and how often do you actually meet in person? 

[Jaunty]

This kind of argument that hinges on who was wrong or right, and what the other person should have or should not have done, is pointless and even harmful.

A healthier approach is for you to speak only about yourself and what you are feeling, along with stating your needs clearly.

"I feel __________ when you shut me out."   "I need clear communication about problems in our relationship."  That type of thing.

Unfortunately, if the other person does not "hear" you and does not take your feelings and needs into consideration, or express their own feelings / needs to you, you are probably in a relationship with problems that might be insurmountable.

In your case you BOTH are behaving in very passive-aggressive ways.  Examples: 

Quote

he said i should've asked him what was wrong.

No, he is responsible for communicating his needs to you.  Punishing you by distancing because you did not do what he thinks you "should have" done toxic. 

Then, you add your own passive-aggressive fuel to the toxic fire:

Quote

When i wanted to talk it out and fix it he distanced himself again and I'm doing the same because i think he should know how to communicate with someone he claims to love

Just look at all the times you used the words "should (have)" or "could (have)".  Combined with expressing sh** through elusive posts on social media rather than direct, honest, open communication - you have a perfect passive-aggressive storm.

This relationship is not working at all, and it is not going to get better because you are long distance and don't have any solid foundation together to support the two of you getting through problems and improving on weaknesses.   

[SooSad33]

23 minutes ago, Chile said:

When i wanted to talk it out and fix it he distanced himself again and I'm doing the same because i think he should know how to communicate with someone he claims to love and also he's been posting tiktoks about not being good enough for me and I'm really hurt. Please am i doing the wrong thing by distancing myself too?? 

I always refer back to what I read in the book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  It explains a lot of what we question about mens behaviour, etc.

That sometimes they back off for a while ' Go to their man cave', and we just have to let them do it, Until they feel they can talk about it, but don't pressure them too much.

IMO< it sounds like he may be struggling at this time with a few things 😕 .  To go post stuff like that?

I suggest just sit back & give him a little time.. see IF he comes around.  If he doesn't, then just say, sorry I've tried & I've been patient, but you did nothing but push me away, when I am the one you should be talking to. ( You can't fix him).

 

[Chile]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Before I comment, can I ask how old both of you are?

How long have you been together, and how often do you actually meet in person? 

We've been together four months, I'm 20 and he's 21

We've met three times.

[Chile]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This kind of argument that hinges on who was wrong or right, and what the other person should have or should not have done, is pointless and even harmful.

A healthier approach is for you to speak only about yourself and what you are feeling, along with stating your needs clearly.

"I feel __________ when you shut me out."   "I need clear communication about problems in our relationship."  That type of thing.

Unfortunately, if the other person does not "hear" you and does not take your feelings and needs into consideration, or express their own feelings / needs to you, you are probably in a relationship with problems that might be insurmountable.

In your case you BOTH are behaving in very passive-aggressive ways.  Examples: 

No, he is responsible for communicating his needs to you.  Punishing you by distancing because you did not do what he thinks you "should have" done toxic. 

Then, you add your own passive-aggressive fuel to the toxic fire:

Just look at all the times you used the words "should (have)" or "could (have)".  Combined with expressing sh** through elusive posts on social media rather than direct, honest, open communication - you have a perfect passive-aggressive storm.

This relationship is not working at all, and it is not going to get better because you are long distance and don't have any solid foundation together to support the two of you getting through problems and improving on weaknesses.   

Thankyou so much for your reply

I really agree that i should have a honest conversation with him, and please what does passive-aggressive storm mean?

[Chile]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I always refer back to what I read in the book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  It explains a lot of what we question about mens behaviour, etc.

That sometimes they back off for a while ' Go to their man cave', and we just have to let them do it, Until they feel they can talk about it, but don't pressure them too much.

IMO< it sounds like he may be struggling at this time with a few things 😕 .  To go post stuff like that?

I suggest just sit back & give him a little time.. see IF he comes around.  If he doesn't, then just say, sorry I've tried & I've been patient, but you did nothing but push me away, when I am the one you should be talking to. ( You can't fix him).

 

I also feel i should be patient with him.

Thank you for your reply.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Chile said:

We've been together four months, I'm 20 and he's 21

We've met three times.

Why only three times?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Chile said:

 he's been posting tiktoks about not being good enough for me and I'm really hurt. 

How far apart are you? How did you meet? Is he or are you away at university?  You've only been talking 16 weeks and have only seen each other 3 times. Why did you opt for a distance situation?

Unfortunately distance relationships are lonely, frustrating and difficult. Is he ghosting for several days in a row? How often does he do that? 

He told you he's "been upset but doesn't know why"?  Unfortunately he seems to be losing interest or perhaps is talking to and seeing local women.

Reflect if distance situationships are a good match for you. Reconsider if dating locally would be a more satisfying and happier situation.

Between the ghosting, pulling away and arguing, you may want to cut your losses and set yourself free. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, Chile said:

I also feel i should be patient with him.

Thank you for your reply.

There’s being patient, and then there’s recognizing “toxic” communication styles, as @Jaunty pointed out. 
 

men and woman are not wired differently, but they do tend to be raised differently in a social way, which could explain patterned communication styles seen amongst different gender groups.  Both men and women need to learn how to communicate and “argue” in a healthy way.  Ignoring a partner isn’t it.  There needs to be quick and clear communication, neither party should be allowed to stew and grow resentment towards another, both parties should find the best way to care for their partner during the disagreement as they seek a resolve 

[Batya33]

Sorry I didn’t see the long distance part. I don’t think you two are suited for each other in a long distance arrangement- it’s exacerbating the communication issues. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Chile said:

We've been together four months, I'm 20 and he's 21

We've met three times.

If you're already getting into arguments at 4 months and you've only met 3 times, you need to realize that this relationship isn't really sustainable long-term. 

It seems it's already fizzling out for him.