I somehow do not feel miserable, why is that?

[Guest]

My girlfriend (20) of more than 2 years broke up with me (19) 2 days ago, which is understandable. I told her that I have fantasies about female friends and I touched myself looking at pictures of them. I somehow felt incredebly wrong about doing this, it is just weird and I felt horrible about it. I felt like I should tell her, because we talked about everything. For her it is cheating, therefore she broke up with me 3 days after telling her, saying that I also objectify women. Wether it is true or not, I defenitely have to change something about my thoughts, my porn consumption and how I view women due to it. We did not have sex once in these 2 years, she is asexual and I desire sex a lot, not for the purpose of pure pleasure, but also for creating a stronger bond with the person I am. While that was not possible, my porn consumption became obsessive and I created fantasies with close friends. In my opinion, you can have fantasies about friends even though you would initiate something at all. I told myself I would never cheat and the fact that this is cheating for her makes me not wanting to look in the mirror right now, although you can argue if it is cheating or not. It is still wrong what I did, I cant deny that.

I wanted to talk to her, make clear what I did had nothing to do with something she did, but she was so furious and enraged that she insulted me in any way possible and blocked me everywhere. This is something I always saw, when angry she gets stubborn and blocks every way of communication. I am not blaming her for it, it just made talking about serious problems that might upset her diffucult.

I loved her and still do. She is such an amazing person and I rarely met somebody so kind and with the heart in the right place. She hurt me once a year ago, when she wanted to break up because she had problems which she did not talk about. She was overthinking and looping these thought in her mind without telling me, which made her believing these problems are unsolvable. Apperantly,  they werent. It still broke my heart at that time and we went on a 3 week break with no contact and it felt like a real break up to me, my first break up. Nothing I ever experienced before, I think everyone can relate. I had to convince her to take the break instead of immediately cutting all ties. I still dont regret the year with had afterwards. We had a good time, even though this break created immense trust issues for me. For the next like 6 to 8 months I had this fear of her breaking up again. I thought, what prevents her from doing it again. I worked around it and made myself clear everything is going to be fine, which somehow solved it for me. 

I kinda saw this break up comming. We loved each other, but where a little too different I think. Our interest are completely different. While I am very active and exercice 3-4 times a week, she prefers staying at home all day long, doing some housework and being on social media. She wakes up around 2-5 pm, which often destroyed our plans for the day. Most of the times we did what she wanted to do, because I did not really have a problem with it. When she wanted to stay home and watch a movie instead of going out, we did that. But once in a while I sometimes insisted of doing the thins I thought would be better for us. She would deny it and I had to persuade her. It often felt like she did it for me and not because she thought it would be fun. 

Then there are our different views, while I am religious, she is not anymore, we have different opinions, but they didnt ever occur to be a problem. We rarely fought and had a great time still. What it maybe caused was that I subconsciously thought that our relationship is not going to last forever.

I am still sad and cry multiple times a day, but I am not as devestated as I was a year ago. And that makes me wonder if I really wasted her time and made her stay in this relationship even though it does not seem to destroy me. Does it show how I really felt about her? When not with her, I would be looking at pictures of her and being happy having her with me. I would get excited and plan days we spent together. I cannot think clearly right now and need some advice.

What absolutely shatters my soul is how she feels. Her first boyfriend cheated on her. Thinking about this girl, I still cant believe I cant say my girl anymore, being home alone and feeling the impact of what I did destroys me. I am not a bad person. I did something wrong, but no way on earth would I consciously decide to create this suffering. I still did it. I wanted to talk to her, but she is so enraged, that she called me a stupid piece sht, claims that she wasted 2 years of her life with me and blocked my phone number and my social media accounts after I tried reaching out. She claims that she does not miss me at all, cant and will not look back at the time we had with happy feelings. The fact that she is so angry proves what she denies at this moment in my opinion. I couldnt forgive myself if this person carries trust and commitment issues into the next relationship because of me. She doesnt deserve this. I dont blame her for anything. I will leave her alone, I will write her a last letter and I want her to move on and find someone that respects her.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you had loving feelings for her but not enough in common for a long term romantic relationship.  I think you should write the letter and not send it to her -she already knows she will move on and if she likes start dating again.  No need to send her the letter but writing it might be helpful to you to get out your feelings.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JayCube said:

  she is so enraged, that she called me a stupid piece sht, claims that she wasted 2 years of her life with me and blocked my phone number and my social media accounts after I tried reaching out. 

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet. She's abusive. 

Obviously there was no reason to tell her this except your instincts trying to find a passive-aggressive  way to torpedo the relationship. It worked. Now set yourself completely free and delete and block her. 

Never circumvent a block with letters unless you want the police at your door for a chat about harassment and stalking. Let go. Never look back. 

[Kwothe28]

Bro, you told your girlfriend that you masturbate to her female friends. What did you expected her to do? To say "Its OK honey, I diddle myself to your friends too"? In fact, how would you feel if she said that to you? Not that good, isnt it?

Also, it comes and goes in waves. Now you think you were different and its good that its over, tomorrow maybe you will feel sadness and how you maybe cant find better etc. Its tricky with grief. Until you accept its over completely and can move on, you will probably fluctuate between stages of grief.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet. She's abusive. 

That is what makes me suffer. I did not dogde a bullet. She never ever insults. Maybe calling somebody an idiot or stupid, but not like this. She is kind and respectful, which shows how much she cared and look what I did to her. I knew how much she cared and did it anyways. I knew she would be broken, yet it did not prevent me from doing so. I find it a little over the top considering this cheating, but I understand it. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, JayCube said:

 , she prefers staying at home all day long, doing some housework and being on social media. She wakes up around 2-5 pm, which often destroyed our plans for the day. 

If this was her lifestyle she wasted her own time for 2  years.  You "don't feel miserable" because you were incompatible and she sounds like emotionally unstable dead weight.  Be glad you're free.

Please stop ruminating and feeling guilty. If it persists, please look into appropriate mental health care.

[ilovecats666]

I'm sorry dude. That is a painful situation. 

But I agree that it seems like it wasn't a good situation nor compatible long term. 

Hopefully you can heal moving forward and find someone with a little more similarities. 

Sadly love isn't enough to sustain a relationship forever.