anxious attachment

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, lovergal said:

 he's not a planner and plans his week every sunday lol

So who's plan is this maze thing? If you want to invite him go ahead. If he keeps stalling about meeting you may have to write him off. What exactly does "not a planner" mean? He won't set up dates? 

 

[lovergal]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Maybe you just need to find someone who matches your energy… he says he is not a good planer? Well maybe you need to find someone you is eager to plan a date with you ASAP and who is willing to text as you do. How about he is not a good match for you because of his nonchalance… my concern is you didn’t meet that guy yet and he is already making you feel anxious… 

Just one question… do you know where you anxious attachment comes from? And are you doing something to become less anxious in your relationships? Like therapy or coaching… 

 

So we were texting for a few weeks and i had no sudden interest in him, it was just whatever. then one night he called me and it was way better than texting. like we just clicked and we had a lot in common as well and from there i was like wow i really liked that convo, i'm interested in meeting him asap.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, lovergal said:

So we were texting for a few weeks and i had no sudden interest in him, it was just whatever. then one night he called me and it was way better than texting. like we just clicked and we had a lot in common as well and from there i was like wow i really liked that convo, i'm interested in meeting him asap.

This^ sort of explains my earlier question.... tnx.

[lovergal]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Could it be you're simply anxious to know if he really likes you even though you don't know whether you like him?  

Everyone gets anxious from time to time, it's natural.  Even when we've never met in person. 

What typically drives that anxiety for some people is an unhealthy need for validation. I say unhealthy because you don't even know whether YOU like him.

Also a fear of rejection so you reject first to avoid the possibility of him rejecting you.

Even though again you've never met, texting is virtually non-existent, there's actually nothing there for you to be attached to.

Or is there?  

Or are you attached to the anxiety itself? 

I'm totally confused, please enlighten me. I've already Googled it. 😀

 

I think everyone's anxious attachment is different. for me its the unknown.

at first I didn't realllly like him - like we were talking but I didn't read much into it but then we spoke on the phone and i really liked his vibe and the convo and we had a looot in common and then I guess from there because I had interest in him I started picking up on things like how often he replied and stuff like that but thats because I am interested.

The anxiousness comes from him not communicating well and not texting me a lot (he still has not responded to the 10AM text) but then to try to calm my anxiety I tell myself that we havent even met and just focus on the communication after we met.

But then also my anxiety tells me he doesnt even want to meet me - hes leading me on.

its just a lot of anxiety and overthinking.

[lovergal]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So who's plan is this maze thing? If you want to invite him go ahead. If he keeps stalling about meeting you may have to write him off. What exactly does "not a planner" mean? He won't set up dates? 

 

We both agreed mutually to go to the halloween maze. So I asked him last week what he was doing next next weekend (not this weekend coming up - the weekend after) and he said that so far ahead - he plans his weeks out week by week lol

[lovergal]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ sort of explains my earlier question.... tnx.

what was the question?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lovergal said:

We both agreed mutually to go to the halloween maze. So I asked him last week what he was doing next next weekend (not this weekend coming up - the weekend after) and he said that so far ahead - he plans his weeks out week by week lol

That's true. A guy who's interested in meeting doesn't say "I don't plan". Does he want to meet sooner than 2 weeks from now or not at all?  Doesn't "not a planner" mean if/when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have other dates lined up? If you sense he's jerking you around, just step back until he steps up.

 

[lovergal]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's true. A guy who's interested in meeting doesn't say "I don't plan". Does he want to meet sooner than 2 weeks from now or not at all?  Doesn't "not a planner" mean if/when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have other dates lined up? If you sense he's jerking you around, just step back until he steps up.

 

So last week I asked him what he was doing the weekend of Oct 7th and he's like I don't even know what I'm doing next week and I'm like oh youre not a planner, like you dont plan ahead? and he's like no i go week by week and i plan my weeks every sunday lol

yesterday, there was this new halloween maze that opened up like 2 hours from us and he said he was down to go lol but those are just words

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, lovergal said:

The anxiousness comes from him not communicating well and not texting me a lot (he still has not responded to the 10AM text) but then to try to calm my anxiety I tell myself that we havent even met and just focus on the communication after we met.

But then also my anxiety tells me he doesnt even want to meet me - hes leading me on.

its just a lot of anxiety and overthinking.

I think this^ is fairly common among many people during the precarious early stages.  Even typically secure people. 

It's called "uncertainty" and there's not a person alive who doesn't experience uncertainty on some level from time to time.  Not that I know of anyway.

It's actually one of the early stages of dating.  Read John Gray's many books and articles, he discusses this.

Once you get into actually dating, it eases up a bit but it may still crop up from time to time. 

Anxious attachment, secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachnent - I can switch back and forth among all four depending on the stage we're in and how I'm feeling.  So have my partners.

Right now you're feeling uncertain so you're anxious.  It's normal. 

Meet him and see how it goes!  Not everything has to have some sort of label attached, doing so gives it more value than it deserves.

Good luck and have fun!

[lovergal]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think this^ is fairly common among many people during the precarious early stages.  Even typically secure people. 

It's called "uncertainty" and there's not a person alive who doesn't experience uncertainty on some level from time to time.  Not that I know of anyway.

It's actually one of the early stages of dating.  Read John Gray's many books and articles, he discusses this.

Once you get into actually dating, it eases up a bit but it may still crop up from time to time. 

Anxious attachment, secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachnent - I can switch back and forth among all four depending on the stage we're in and how I'm feeling.  So have my partners.

Right now you're feeling uncertain so you're anxious.  It's normal. 

Meet him and see how it goes!  Not everything has to have some sort of label attached, doing so gives it more value than it deserves.

Good luck and have fun!

Yeah I guess so.

I just feel like he's not even want to meet up with me lol

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Yeah I guess so.

I just feel like he's not even want to meet up with me lol

That could certainly create anxiety. That's why I suggested slowing down on multiple texting throughout the day. That could create a false sense of intimacy that isn't reality based.

If he keeps putting you off I would suggest you don't waste anymore time with texts and phone calls. Hold out for someone who truly does want to spend real time with you in person. I bet your anxiety would greatly decrease.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Yeah I guess so.

I just feel like he's not even want to meet up with me lol

That's insecurity. 

Try to relax and play it out.  No matter what ends up happening (or not happening), you'll be OK.  I promise you.  

Once you have enough of these experiences, you'll believe it too (that you'll be OK). 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, lovergal said:

Yeah I guess so.

I just feel like he's not even want to meet up with me lol

I’m sorry for you, this is also what I think… 

see one thing that could help you manage your anxiety when you start engaging with a guy online is to keep the conversations on the online dating app until you actually meet… this is what I do now and it helps me in the sense that I turn out the notifications and only check from times to times… also it prevents from creating a false intimacy with someone you don’t know yet. I suggest you give your phone number only after meeting and if you are willing to see the guy again. 
i noticed that guys who get the phone number prior to meeting are more likely to string women along… it’s like a collection of numbers, and if they are bored someday, they can scroll through contacts and text you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

My first reaction when guys get distant is just to back off so there's no "rejection" lol

So he should have backed off when you said you were too busy to meet him ?

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I’m sorry for you, this is also what I think… 

see one thing that could help you manage your anxiety when you start engaging with a guy online is to keep the conversations on the online dating app until you actually meet… this is what I do now and it helps me in the sense that I turn out the notifications and only check from times to times… also it prevents from creating a false intimacy with someone you don’t know yet. I suggest you give your phone number only after meeting and if you are willing to see the guy again. 
i noticed that guys who get the phone number prior to meeting are more likely to string women along… it’s like a collection of numbers, and if they are bored someday, they can scroll through contacts and text you. 

For safety and other reasons I never met in person without a phone call. I saved myself so much time and also prevented a few unsafe situations by having that phone call. I always asked for a phoej mimver within the first two messages. Then a phone call. With one exception then no more messages before we met. I met over 100 men in person. I didn’t date online so messages would have been counter productive. 

[LootieTootie]

Agree, stop with the mindless texting. I think if he texts you, take awhile to text him back and say "Hey I love talking to you on the phone the other day and I am not really a text person. I prefer hearing your voice."

See if he calls, and if he calls, great. You can just tell him towards the end of the call "I am pretty busy but I can't wait to talk more at the maze." Listen to his response to see if its positive and confirms the date. If its somewhat "not sure" just play it cool and say "Okay, I'll put it in your court to let me know." Then go radio silence, and wait for the maze date. See if he reaches out when time gets close.

Doing this, you won't be emotionally investing so much into someone you are not really sure if they're in to you or not. Believe me, no one is that busy not to schedule or reschedule dates.

 

[lovergal]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So he should have backed off when you said you were too busy to meet him ?

Even though I said I was busy (which idk why everyone is ringing this over my head. do you guys not have lives???) I still created convo and still made effort. I didn't just end the convo. I also made suggestions on where we should go and other available days that would work.

I think the convos weve had lately are just pretty much the same talk. so maybe hes tired of it idk

[lovergal]

15 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Agree, stop with the mindless texting. I think if he texts you, take awhile to text him back and say "Hey I love talking to you on the phone the other day and I am not really a text person. I prefer hearing your voice."

See if he calls, and if he calls, great. You can just tell him towards the end of the call "I am pretty busy but I can't wait to talk more at the maze." Listen to his response to see if its positive and confirms the date. If its somewhat "not sure" just play it cool and say "Okay, I'll put it in your court to let me know." Then go radio silence, and wait for the maze date. See if he reaches out when time gets close.

Doing this, you won't be emotionally investing so much into someone you are not really sure if they're in to you or not. Believe me, no one is that busy not to schedule or reschedule dates.

 

So I would take naps everyday after work and as a joke i told him to call me after work so I dont fall asleep and he did it once but thats about it lol

[LootieTootie]

4 minutes ago, lovergal said:

So I would take naps everyday after work and as a joke i told him to call me after work so I dont fall asleep and he did it once but thats about it lol

Thats why you have to tell him to call you again.

Once he calls you again, you tell him "looking forward to talking more to you at the Maze." Then don't text him any more. The mindless texting is killing the tiny flame between you and him.

[lovergal]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Thats why you have to tell him to call you again.

Once he calls you again, you tell him "looking forward to talking more to you at the Maze." Then don't text him any more. The mindless texting is killing the tiny flame between you and him.

I feel so weird asking him to call me - I feel like he should be doing that if he wants to lolll

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, lovergal said:

I still created convo and still made effort. I didn't just end the convo. I also made suggestions on where we should go and other available days that would work.

So you declined last week but rescheduled, right? If it’s correct, I guess you did your part. Don’t reach out again. 

How is it that the texting is becoming boring? May I suggest some tips:

1. Do never text a guy when you have nothing to say. 
2. try to make some variations between selfies, voice message, videos, funny memes etc… 3. Don’t reply to a texts immediately. Wait sometimes 2 hours, sometimes 5minutes and sometimes reply immediately. 
4. don’t expect good morning and good night texts when you aren’t in a relationship. 5. keep texts always lighthearted, funny and positive

etc… etc… 

[lovergal]

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So you declined last week but rescheduled, right? If it’s correct, I guess you did your part. Don’t reach out again. 

How is it that the texting is becoming boring? May I suggest some tips:

1. Do never text a guy when you have nothing to say. 
2. try to make some variations between selfies, voice message, videos, funny memes etc… 3. Don’t reply to a texts immediately. Wait sometimes 2 hours, sometimes 5minutes and sometimes reply immediately. 
4. don’t expect good morning and good night texts when you aren’t in a relationship. 5. keep texts always lighthearted, funny and positive

etc… etc… 

Yes, I tried to reschedule lol

so we text pretty much the same thing every single day.

so he texts me good morning, and then we talk about work and then what we had for dinner and then the next day its repeat

My friends have told me I am a dry texter so maybe it is on me? idk

I noticed when I had a flat tire and more to talk about then we texted more

[catfeeder]

Are you geographically close enough to just meet for a quick cup of coffee?

If so, set that up quickly to check one another out and learn whether the two of you strike a potential for simpatico. Otherwise, you’re just drilling into anxiety over a fantasy you’ve created ‘around’ a person who you could have otherwise known in 5 minutes was never worth such efforts.

If you both DO hit it off, then there’s your starting point. Anything before that is just spinning your wheels.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

Yes, I tried to reschedule lol

so we text pretty much the same thing every single day.

so he texts me good morning, and then we talk about work and then what we had for dinner and then the next day its repeat

My friends have told me I am a dry texter so maybe it is on me? idk

I noticed when I had a flat tire and more to talk about then we texted more

I dunno lovergal, when my two ex's and I messaged before meeting, we talked about all sorts of things -  music, movies, foods we liked, we would tease each other, be playful, we had a lot of fun chatting during those days before meeting.

We just clicked.  It was no different from chatting on phone except it was through the written/typed word versus voice. 

Same energy though.

NO good morning or good night texts, I didn't care for those.  I find them contrived and boring.

Maybe you're both bad texters, I admit there is sort of an art to it and if both people know how-to communicate well that way, it can be a lot of fun and a great way to build rapport before meeting.

I know people have different opinions about it but it always worked well for me.

But again it doesn't sound like either of you are into it, or maybe you're not into each other, who knows. 

My advice is do nothing, wait for him to return.  See if he reaches out and plans something. Or you can.  

That's what I would do anyway. Remember he's not the only fish in the sea.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

Even though I said I was busy (which idk why everyone is ringing this over my head. do you guys not have lives???) I still created convo and still made effort. I didn't just end the convo. I also made suggestions on where we should go and other available days that would work.

I think the convos weve had lately are just pretty much the same talk. so maybe hes tired of it idk

I worked far far more than full time for most of the 24 years I dated (until 2005) plus unpredictable hours for about a dozen of those years.  Plus a social life, volunteer work, family obligations. And I made time to meet over 100 men in person typically within a week or less of first contact. Sometimes it was only for an hour or a quick workday lunch.  But the proof is in taking the action to meet -not typing and talking to a stranger.  Had you been out of town, sick, caring for a sick family member, covid exposed or pulling all nighters at work, fine.  Otherwise yes I had a life and IMO if you get so anxiously attached -meet in person ASAP.