Need some advice please

[Dani95]

I am currently in a 10 year relationship and have previously spoken to my partner about this issue but in turn it always causes arguments. I am here to seek a little advice on this scenario please. So i do know that it is a natural and normal thing for males to watch porn, never bothered me before but within the last few years it has started bothering me alot as there was a period of time when my partner didn't want to do anything in the bedroom with me due to stress at work, stress with money, he was absolutely exhausted. So i totally understand that he may not always have the energy but he neglected to tell me how much he was tired. But nearly every night for 2 weeks was quite happy to masterbate to porn videos, now i know i could pleasure myself too but that wasn't the point. Not that he did it deliberately but i was starting to feel so horrible in myself that he'd rather masterbate watching another naked woman have sex than be intimate with myself. Since then i tried to sit and have a conversation with him about it but his reaction to it was how can i have a problem with something that's so normal and a natural thing for a male todo but said that if it genuinely makes me feel so bad, he'd stop doing it so i didn't feel hurt . So he started doing it behind my back when i wouldn't find out, to which i did find out a while later and again i sat down to have a conversation about why he felt like he needed to lie instead of telling me the truth that he didn't actually want to stop. And again another argument happened where he told me that how i feel about it has made him feel like he's cheating on me when he masterbates to porn videos and that he's now terrified to even think about it never mind do it. But i know hes lieing about it again as he's accidentally left his volume on his phone up and i heard his video and again accidentally without knowing let me see his phone screen as he loads the video up before venturing off to the bathroom. I know it's probably not the case but i just feel like what do these videos have that i dont or what can these videos do for him that i cant. I've not brought it up or let him know i know as i dont want to get into another argument with him about the same thing again, I've never belittled him or intentionally made him feel bad about it. I've spoken to my mum and best friend whom both said in the nicest way possible to let it go and try and nit let it bother me and to leave him to it as it's not fair on him because it's normal.... Am i being unfair? Am i a horrible girlfriend for even bringing it up in the first place? How can i make myself feel tje way the world does about it? I just don't know anymore and at that point now where i really need more advice. Anything would be much appreciated...

Thank you

Dani

[LootieTootie]

Well maybe you are not expressing clearly to him and your mum and best friend why you are upset. You are upset because he is neglecting you but he's still doing him. We all have needs so it's understandable that you want him to take care of you sexually. Yet he isn't, so you're upset and your anger is misdirected at him for watching porn.

I will approach this conversation again with clearly stating that you have sexual needs that aren't being met and as a full-blooded woman, you would like the sexual needs to be satisfied by the partner and not someone else or porn. This may open the dialogue how he can meet you halfway and maybe tap into IF he has a porn addiction.

Porn addiction doesn't help a man perform better in bed. They put so much energy to porn that they don't have the energy for the real performance and the weight of the pressure.

 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Dani95 said:

I am currently in a 10 year relationship and have previously spoken to my partner about this issue but in turn it always causes arguments

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together? Do you both work? Have children?

How long has the intimacy dropped off? Have either of you neglected your health or hygiene or fitness? Does he have any medical problems with ED or general fitness and health?

Unfortunately policing his porn and masterbation has become a parent-child dynamic and that kills the romance for both of you. 

The real issue is he's retreated from you emotionally and physically. Try to figure out why your intimacy and sex life has tapered off rather than repeated arguments about masturbating and porn. 

Forget the porn for the moment and try to figure out the relationship and intimacy issues. It's hard to say which caused which since porn-poor intimacy can be a chicken and egg dilemma.

[Dani95]

39 minutes ago, Dani95 said:

I am currently in a 10 year relationship and have previously spoken to my partner about this issue but in turn it always causes arguments. I am here to seek a little advice on this scenario please. So i do know that it is a natural and normal thing for males to watch porn, never bothered me before but within the last few years it has started bothering me alot as there was a period of time when my partner didn't want to do anything in the bedroom with me due to stress at work, stress with money, he was absolutely exhausted. So i totally understand that he may not always have the energy but he neglected to tell me how much he was tired. But nearly every night for 2 weeks was quite happy to masterbate to porn videos, now i know i could pleasure myself too but that wasn't the point. Not that he did it deliberately but i was starting to feel so horrible in myself that he'd rather masterbate watching another naked woman have sex than be intimate with myself. Since then i tried to sit and have a conversation with him about it but his reaction to it was how can i have a problem with something that's so normal and a natural thing for a male todo but said that if it genuinely makes me feel so bad, he'd stop doing it so i didn't feel hurt . So he started doing it behind my back when i wouldn't find out, to which i did find out a while later and again i sat down to have a conversation about why he felt like he needed to lie instead of telling me the truth that he didn't actually want to stop. And again another argument happened where he told me that how i feel about it has made him feel like he's cheating on me when he masterbates to porn videos and that he's now terrified to even think about it never mind do it. But i know hes lieing about it again as he's accidentally left his volume on his phone up and i heard his video and again accidentally without knowing let me see his phone screen as he loads the video up before venturing off to the bathroom. I know it's probably not the case but i just feel like what do these videos have that i dont or what can these videos do for him that i cant. I've not brought it up or let him know i know as i dont want to get into another argument with him about the same thing again, I've never belittled him or intentionally made him feel bad about it. I've spoken to my mum and best friend whom both said in the nicest way possible to let it go and try and nit let it bother me and to leave him to it as it's not fair on him because it's normal.... Am i being unfair? Am i a horrible girlfriend for even bringing it up in the first place? How can i make myself feel tje way the world does about it? I just don't know anymore and at that point now where i really need more advice. Anything would be much appreciated...

Thank you

Dani

My apologies guys i couldn't edit my post as im not sure how to. To add onto post he has since resumed the intimacy in the bedroom but on the nights he tells me hes too tired or would rather just go straight to bed he either sits in bathroom and watches porn on phone while on silent (thats hiw i found out one night as he forgot to turn volume down first) or waits till be thinks im sleeping and does it laying right next to me in bed. Yes the intimacy has gotten better but how i feel hasn't. I understand that there will be times hes tired amd of course i knkw we don't need to be intimate every night but why lie to my face when hes obviously hot enough energy to pleasure himself and giving himself an orgasim. Apologies again, new here and still learning xx

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Dani95 said:

why lie to my face when hes obviously hot enough energy to pleasure himself and giving himself an orgasim. Apologies again, new here and still learning xx

Because you want to forbid him like he's a naughty 13 boy rather than address the more difficult issues.

[Dani95]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Because you want to forbid him like he's a naughty 13 boy rather than address the more difficult issues.

I have never told him hes not allowed, ive never given him any ultimatums. I simply wanted to express my feelings to my partner to which he obviously does not agree with. I know we won't always agree on things but i would never forbid him todo anything he doesn't want to do our relationship isn't like that. Im just asking for some advice on if the time comes how to best approach the conversation or how best to deal with my feelings about this situation or if i am just being unreasonable with my feelings. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Dani95 said:

 i am just being unreasonable with my feelings. 🙂

It's not unreasonable at all to be hurt that he shuts down  intimacy and prefers to just take care of himself. However your approach is not addressing the real issues.

You are trying to police him.That's not working. Instead of making him responsible for your feelings, try to address the the lack of closeness and intimacy is destructive to your relationship.

Framing it as "it hurts my feelings that you're looking at porn, so don't do it", hasn't worked.  

[Dani95]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not unreasonable at all to be hurt that he shuts down  intimacy and prefers to just take care of himself. However your approach is not addressing the real issues.

You are trying to police him.That's not working. Instead of making him responsible for your feelings, try to address the the lack of closeness and intimacy is destructive to your relationship.

Framing it as "it hurts my feelings that you're looking at porn, so don't do it", hasn't worked.  

I understand where you are coming from. Im 28f and hes 30m as i remembered you asked. He has been my first ever serious relationship so every step is new to the both of us. We both also work full time but now (only in last few months) we finally have weekends off together. We do also live together with a mortgage too. It's just everytime hes stressed or upset/angry he completely closes off and hardly speaks, doesn't let me in at all then stuff like this happens. I understand that some men do find it hard to express their emotions but to close off and leave me in the dark completely in all aspects just gets me so down. Sorry to vent on, just not many people willing to give proper advice recently. 🙂

[Dani95]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not unreasonable at all to be hurt that he shuts down  intimacy and prefers to just take care of himself. However your approach is not addressing the real issues.

You are trying to police him.That's not working. Instead of making him responsible for your feelings, try to address the the lack of closeness and intimacy is destructive to your relationship.

Framing it as "it hurts my feelings that you're looking at porn, so don't do it", hasn't worked.  

Especially after 10 years of being together 🙂

[catfeeder]

The big difference between partner sex and no partner sex is performance. So one might be ‘up’ for some tension release alone yet not up for pleasing a partner.

 I would consider getting upset about this as imposing as monitoring someone’s bathroom habits. It’s a relationship killer, and it’s causing an even bigger problem between you. I’d stop it, and I’d work out my own issues about it with a therapist.

[Dani95]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The big difference between partner sex and no partner sex is performance. So one might be ‘up’ for some tension release alone yet not up for pleasing a partner.

 I would consider getting upset about this as imposing as monitoring someone’s bathroom habits. It’s a relationship killer, and it’s causing an even bigger problem between you. I’d stop it, and I’d work out my own issues about it with a therapist.

I get that and understand where you are coming from but its not the masterbating that makes me feel like ***. Its the porn, ive even went as far as offering to send him some intimate photos and videos of me or doing one of us together to "release tension alone" but will not go for it and would rather watch and look at someone else.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Dani95 said:

, ive even went as far as offering to send him some intimate photos and videos of me or doing one of us together to "release tension alone" but will not go for it 

Please don't do this. Try to work out your relationship issues instead. Making your own porn so he won't look at porn videos is debasing yourself and won't work. 

[Batya33]

I would review the thread started by Hannarivers or similar. She is in a very similar situation and has received a lot of good feedback. I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

[Dani95]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would review the thread started by Hannarivers or similar. She is in a very similar situation and has received a lot of good feedback. I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

I cant seem to find it, would you mind possibly copying the link and swnding it tonme please? 🙂

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Dani95 said:

I get that and understand where you are coming from but its not the masterbating that makes me feel like ***. Its the porn, ive even went as far as offering to send him some intimate photos and videos of me or doing one of us together to "release tension alone" but will not go for it and would rather watch and look at someone else.

So you’re the mind police. That’s sexy.

 The more you do this, the more resentment you’ll raise, and the more you’ll experience the opposite of desire.

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, Dani95 said:

My apologies guys i couldn't edit my post as im not sure how to. To add onto post he has since resumed the intimacy in the bedroom but on the nights he tells me hes too tired or would rather just go straight to bed he either sits in bathroom and watches porn on phone while on silent (thats hiw i found out one night as he forgot to turn volume down first) or waits till be thinks im sleeping and does it laying right next to me in bed. Yes the intimacy has gotten better but how i feel hasn't. I understand that there will be times hes tired amd of course i knkw we don't need to be intimate every night but why lie to my face when hes obviously hot enough energy to pleasure himself and giving himself an orgasim.

I don't want to say he's all out selfish, BUT, he could be resorting to some simple porn to have his 'release' w/out expectations.  Just to get it done, kinda thing.

When fully involved w/a partner, it takes more time.  More is expected from him, It takes longer, etc.

So, maybe it should be okay that sometimes he just deals w/ himself.  As you said, he does tend to you as well, right?