Need Help on how to approach the intimacy-boundary issue.

[Loka56]

Guys, I am here because I don't know how to approach this thing. 

So, the last time I posted about the I had with my husband, intimacy had been sorted out with mutual understanding. But I think it wasn't sorted out. So, let me mention what is happening. 

Right after our nikah, I have been flooded with tasks at my job, and I am under pressure. As some of you suggested, I should focus on getting married with the consent of my family instead of making love in a marriage I did without anyone's knowing of my family, I did just that. 

Before getting nikahfied, he and I agreed that lovemaking would be out of the picture until we started living together, but we could do everything else, from physical contact.

In our second time alone, he asked for my consent, which I denied politely as I am not someone who would make such a decision so instantly. 

During our next time in privacy, he asked for my consent, and I politely refused, and he kept asking, and I had no words. After this, though, we were talking like usual, but there was a thing in the air as if he was

so upset with me. I was feeling that he was not happy with me. I kept it inside me for 2 days, then decided to discuss it before he left for his 15-day trip. To which he replied that he was not upset with me; in fact, he was so lucky to have me, it was just a bodily response which would be settled after a few days. 

When he was on the trip, he started talking in a sensual way, which wasn't even sexting, and I panicked. I stopped him right there and said if you are initiating sexting, and if I respond positively, I am afraid you will have your expectations up that I am going to allow it once you come back. 

He got so upset that if I am not allowing him to make love, at least I can allow this much. 

It took us a few days to settle into a normal mood. As I was focused on convincing my mom, I got lucky in that, and as soon as he came back from the trip, my mom invited him with his family, and things are proceeding in a very good direction I am so happy about. Soon, our families are going to decide the wedding date, which will happen soon. 

Then again, we got into this situation, he asked, and I refused. After which, we decided not to meet like this before getting officially married. He proposed this idea, and I agreed. Now, I don't know where things are going or what's happening. 

Here's what he is saying:

He is saying that it is his innate issue that he respects other's boundaries so much that he forgets about himself. He suppresses himself so much that the other person starts feeling entitled. However, he is actually suppressing himself. And then, he has to stop in an instant as he can't do much. 

I didn't understand what he was saying. I just don't know what he is trying to say, so I asked, 'what do you think I can do?' he said nothing, maybe you can, but I won't say it. I want to protect my self-respect. 

guys, I just don't know what is happening. 😢 I can't understand any of it 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Before getting nikahfied,

I'm sorry, can you explain what this word means?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Before getting nikahfied, he and I agreed that lovemaking would be out of the picture until we started living together, but we could do everything else, from physical contact.

Unfortunately this seems like a frustrating situation for both of you.

After the marriage contract and before the wedding is intercourse permitted in your faith/culture? Or is intercourse reserved for the next official step of the wedding and living as husband and wife? Or are these your personal rules? 

[Loka56]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry, can you explain what this word means?

It means 'before we did nikah, the religious way of getting married'

 

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

After the marriage contract and before the wedding is intercourse permitted in your faith/culture? Or is intercourse reserved for the next official step of the wedding and living as husband and wife? Or are these your personal rules

Yes, it is allowed after nikah. We both agreed on not doing it for me, because things were so uncertain on my family's part. I didn't know how much time my mom would take to approve it. 

 

Yes it is very concerning for me and I am sure it is so frustrating for him. I have denied so many times which I also feel bad about. I could have handled it better. 

I have no clue how to approach this, yet. Hopefully i will come up with something that will help preserve our relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

 it is allowed after nikah. We both agreed on not doing it for me, because things were so uncertain on my family's part. I didn't know how much time my mom would take to approve it. 

Why won't you get your family's approval for the official wedding? If the purpose of the marriage contract is to allow a physical relationship why did you do it? Sadly you are creating a lot of hardship and turmoil for everyone involved from your mother, family and this man.

Since it's your idea to refrain from sexual relations before the official wedding, but then in a stand off with your mother and additionally running off to sign the marriage contract behind behind her back for the purposes of being religiously married , you are hurting a lot of people including yourself with your confusion and confusing actions.

Please consult with your religious officials and elders of your faith for some guidance on this complicated matter and this conflict between you and your mother and the conflict between you and your husband. 

[Jaunty]

You need to just get things clear between you and your partner and stop messing around or else you will end up messing up your relationship.

In your last thread and to a certain extent now, you are going back and forth about whether you will have sexual intimacy before your formal wedding ceremony.  

Before, it was hinging on your parent's approval.  Now it appears you have that and you have decided to hold out for the ceremony.

So get that completely clear between you and your betrothed, or whatever your status is at this point, and stop the "muddy waters" things.  

If he knows that there is no sexual contact happening until the wedding, he will probably be fine.

The way things are now, he might be fearing that you will withhold sex after the ceremony, since evidently sex was actually "on the table" between you after you did the nikah.  

He might feel that you've moved the goal posts, so to speak 

So don't do that anymore, in service of a happy marriage between you two.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like he’s saying that he respects your agreement to hold off until after the religious ceremony. However, he also recognizes that he gets carried away when you’re alone together and that he puts undue pressure on you that you end up feeling bad about. So he’s proposing that you keep your interactions in the public to avoid this issue. Meanwhile he’s assuring you that he doesn’t regret your path, just the opposite, and that he appreciates you.

Sounds positive to me, and congrats on your families uniting in your favor.