Never been this far. How should I proceed?

[lostandhurt]

I agree don't think she has all the say in this relationship, you have choices too.  I have never had the ask permission situation so I am at a loss but when I was young I probably would have put up with it for a while.  Now after being bf/gf and several dates I would feel like it should be spontaneous and sit down with her and get to the bottom of where it is coming from.  That is just me though so you do you but if it doesn't feel right after a while it may be time to rethink this.  She may have a very valid reason or trauma in her past so it is best to simply ask why?

 If she doesn't warm up to you soon and the no pictures together thing continues let us know. 

Is this a cultural thing maybe?

Lost

[boltnrun]

Has she been physically assaulted? If so, I can understand her aversion to physical touch.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 9/19/2023 at 4:47 PM, Andrina said:

Well, just because she's now your gf doesn't mean she's your forever person. Keep communicating. Keep gauging your own satisfaction level. She's asked for things. You can do some asking yourself about your own wishes. See over the next few months if things improve. Do you hang out with her group of friends yet? It is odd she doesn't want any photos of you on her phone to look at when you two are apart. Guess you have more things to learn about her. I hope it works out the way you wish.

Update. Things are okay I guess. Two months into the relationship. I don't ask her to hold hands or to kiss anymore. I just go for it. It just happens. She hugs me when we go on walks. She is more comfortable. I am not nervous around her anymore, and she is not nervous around me. She is like my best friend. We do a lot of things together, we just click. We love spending time with each other. She goes to my house, I go to her house. She has met my family. We cuddle a lot too. And that's where things get kinda difficult. I love cuddling with her, and so does she. But with that, my sex drive is off the charts. The sexual urge is torturing. I haven't talked about sex that much with her. All she told me months ago was that she is afraid of sex. She doesn't want to end up pregnant with the wrong man. Because that happened to her mom. Back then I didn't think much of it since I thought I would be able to control my urges. But I did not know it was going to be this hard. I really like her, and respect her. But the fact that I am sexually  attracted to her makes things more difficult. 

I don't want to bring up the topic of sex because I don't want her to think I am only interested in her body. She is my girlfriend, and I respect her, and love her. I just hope some day in the future she is open to the idea of sex. Because what is the point of a relationship if sex is not existent? Yes, sex is not all in a relationship. But I believe it is part of it. 

If she is not ready yet, BUT is open to sex in the future whenever she feels ready, that is totally fine. I will wait until she is ready. In the meantime, I might need to go to doctor to get a medication to lower my sex drive or find some way to decrease my testosterone. Not a problem. I like cuddling with her. And I don't want that to stop.

As long as someday she opens up about this topic. I really wish I could bring up this conversation. But I have no clue as to how. I don't want her to think I only want her for sex. I respect her a lot. But I do want to know what she thinks about sex, and what her stance is regarding that at this time.

[smackie9]

Just go for it....this seems to work for her. 

[Batya33]

Many couples wait till marriage to have intercourse so I wouldn’t rule out she might feel like that too. . And it’s totally ok if you don’t go for that but a romantic relationship doesn’t need to include intercourse. Her pregnancy concerns are valid as it sounds like she wouldn’t have an abortion. What are your views and feelings on accidental pregnancy?

She shouldn’t get the impression at all that you just want her body. I’d say after a couple of months of dating it’s a perfectly valid convo to have. 

[boltnrun]

Do you know why she has such an aversion to sex? Pregnancy concerns are legit (no method is 100% effective except for abstinence, as you know), but there are other activities that can't result in pregnancy.

Also, you don't need to repost your responses multiple times. Everyone can see your responses. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Many couples wait till marriage to have intercourse so I wouldn’t rule out she might feel like that too. . And it’s totally ok if you don’t go for that but a romantic relationship doesn’t need to include intercourse. Her pregnancy concerns are valid as it sounds like she wouldn’t have an abortion. What are your views and feelings on accidental pregnancy?

She shouldn’t get the impression at all that you just want her body. I’d say after a couple of months of dating it’s a perfectly valid convo to have. 

If she wants to wait for marriage that is totally valid. I respect that and I would wait for marriage if that is the case. As to how I would deal with my urges and desires that is something I would need to work on by my self. But the bottom line is. I want her to be comfortable with it first. Whenever she feels ready. 

What I meant is that I don't know if she eventually will want to become intimate. I am afraid of the possibility that she may never want to have sex at all like never in her life. And if that's the case, that would be a problem. But there is no way of knowing how she feels unless I ask her. I just don't know when or how to say it.

As for accidental pregnancy. Yes, that is a possibility. No method of contraception is 100% effective. Having said that, if she were to become pregnant, that is something I feel like we both should be accountable for. Every action has a consequence. And if she became pregnant, I would be against abortion. I would be there for her and the child. I would want the baby to have a mother and a father and be raised like I was. And I would do my best to be the best father and partner I can be. 

[boltnrun]

49 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

And if she became pregnant, I would be against abortion. 

Definitely have this conversation before having sex. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

If she wants to wait for marriage that is totally valid. I respect that and I would wait for marriage if that is the case. As to how I would deal with my urges and desires that is something I would need to work on by my self. 

It seems to be going ok even though you're more eager to get sexual than she is. Continue having in person dates that are fun interesting and that encourage getting to know each other better. 

As far as thinking this far ahead,  you're 21 and she's 20, so it's not time to think about marriage and family especially after only a handful of dates.

What you could do is at least have the exclusive conversation and discuss STDs and contraception. At 20 she should at least be going to a physician as far as appropriate contraception and you as well need to get a supply of condoms before thinking about pregnancy and what a good father you would be. 

Please keep things in perspective and one step at a time. First see each other more often in person rather than texting too much. Then have the exclusive conversation, then when ready, have the contraception conversation.

Save the marriage and family talk for when you are dating a while have your education and professions established and have enough financial independence to finance a home and family. 

 

[Andrina]

I'd give it another two months and then bring up the subject of intimacy. At that point, it will be four months of dating and a reasonable woman will know you don't want her just for sex. In any case, you can't control what another thinks, so speak of your wants and goals and if a woman isn't on the same page, it's best you don't invest any more time.

There are many forms of birth control that work very well, such as oral contraceptives, and then using a condom to add upon that for prevention of pregnancy and STDs is a good plan. If I were you, I'd ask if she's willing to consider that, and in what general timeframe. 

Being older than you and having more relationships, I know what it feels like to be with a partner who doesn't match me in the area of intimacy, and I don't recommend marrying someone without knowing whether or not there is compatibility in that area. IMO, being compatible with someone in the bedroom is paramount to relationship happiness. It's a gamble when you don't know that going into marriage.

I'd never pressure her into doing what you want if she's not a willing partner. But I'd also not sacrifice my own happiness for such a huge unknown, even if you get along in other ways. There are other attractive women your age whom you can also get along with AND matches you in your timeframe of becoming intimate. I'm not saying to break up now, but I'd give it a few more months of dating time and having the discussion at that time and see what that watershed moment brings. Good luck. 

[lostandhurt]

It always seems way harder to talk about sex than actually having sex for some reason but they are just words between two people that really like each other.

 Do you make out?   If so does it get hot and heavy or kind of clinical?  Do you touch each other?

I know you won't force the issue but you can move it along gently.  I can't say the percentage but in my experience women like sex too but your gf may be scared of the unknown, have some hang ups for what ever reason or simply has never been this far either and having similar thoughts as yours.

 Give it a little more time and then when you are together in a place and time where it is safe simply ask her her views on physical intimacy.  The time not to do it is when you are cuddling or making out as she will feel pressured like you want it right then.  Bring it up on a walk or something while you are holding her hand  as you will feel her comfort level through  your bonded hands and know how to proceed.

 As far as your libido goes it is perfectly normal for a young man to be a walking hard on so don't resort to meds, just take care of yourself or think of something or someone to turn the temperature down a little.

 Be brave and talk because knowing these things lets you both know if you are compatible or not.

 Lost

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going ok even though you're more eager to get sexual than she is. Continue having in person dates that are fun interesting and that encourage getting to know each other better. 

As far as thinking this far ahead,  you're 21 and she's 20, so it's not time to think about marriage and family especially after only a handful of dates.

What you could do is at least have the exclusive conversation and discuss STDs and contraception. At 20 she should at least be going to a physician as far as appropriate contraception and you as well need to get a supply of condoms before thinking about pregnancy and what a good father you would be. 

Please keep things in perspective and one step at a time. First see each other more often in person rather than texting too much. Then have the exclusive conversation, then when ready, have the contraception conversation.

Save the marriage and family talk for when you are dating a while have your education and professions established and have enough financial independence to finance a home and family. 

 

Thank you for your input! In terms of exclusivity, we have been boyfriend/girlfriend for two months, met her three months ago. I agree I need to get to know her more. We text everyday, but we also have been seeing each other more in person lately. We miss each other, and texting is just a means of supplementing the in face interactions we have. 

In terms of marriage, as you said, I still need to finish college and be financially independent. Speaking of finances, the one thing I kinda don't like is that I always pay for everything. Like when we go out, she never offers to chip in. And it adds up. The good thing is that she has not asked me to buy her stuff outside of the dates, and she also is more frugal than other girls. So I will start planning cheaper dates. I am not rich, and the cost of going out is adding up quick.

Also, how do I know if she is ready to have the intimacy conversation?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

19 hours ago, Andrina said:

I'd give it another two months and then bring up the subject of intimacy. At that point, it will be four months of dating and a reasonable woman will know you don't want her just for sex. In any case, you can't control what another thinks, so speak of your wants and goals and if a woman isn't on the same page, it's best you don't invest any more time.

There are many forms of birth control that work very well, such as oral contraceptives, and then using a condom to add upon that for prevention of pregnancy and STDs is a good plan. If I were you, I'd ask if she's willing to consider that, and in what general timeframe. 

Being older than you and having more relationships, I know what it feels like to be with a partner who doesn't match me in the area of intimacy, and I don't recommend marrying someone without knowing whether or not there is compatibility in that area. IMO, being compatible with someone in the bedroom is paramount to relationship happiness. It's a gamble when you don't know that going into marriage.

I'd never pressure her into doing what you want if she's not a willing partner. But I'd also not sacrifice my own happiness for such a huge unknown, even if you get along in other ways. There are other attractive women your age whom you can also get along with AND matches you in your timeframe of becoming intimate. I'm not saying to break up now, but I'd give it a few more months of dating time and having the discussion at that time and see what that watershed moment brings. Good luck. 

Thank you so much for your response! I agree with everything you said. I just find it odd that she would not know anything about contraceptives already. But I will give it a little more time and hope she opens up about the subject in the near future. I wish she knew how hard it is when we cuddle, for me not to think about becoming intimate. Maybe we need to keep cuddling to a minimum, I don't know.

 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

It always seems way harder to talk about sex than actually having sex for some reason but they are just words between two people that really like each other.

 Do you make out?   If so does it get hot and heavy or kind of clinical?  Do you touch each other?

I know you won't force the issue but you can move it along gently.  I can't say the percentage but in my experience women like sex too but your gf may be scared of the unknown, have some hang ups for what ever reason or simply has never been this far either and having similar thoughts as yours.

 Give it a little more time and then when you are together in a place and time where it is safe simply ask her her views on physical intimacy.  The time not to do it is when you are cuddling or making out as she will feel pressured like you want it right then.  Bring it up on a walk or something while you are holding her hand  as you will feel her comfort level through  your bonded hands and know how to proceed.

 As far as your libido goes it is perfectly normal for a young man to be a walking hard on so don't resort to meds, just take care of yourself or think of something or someone to turn the temperature down a little.

 Be brave and talk because knowing these things lets you both know if you are compatible or not.

 Lost

Do we make out? I don't really know. When we are cuddling, we kiss each other. But the kissing is different from how it was before. Before, we would not cuddle, but we would have long engaged kissing. Now, not really. We cuddle, hold each other, and the kisses are more like quick pecks. A lot of them. But just pecks. 

As far as touching each other, we hold each other, she tickles me a lot, we stay really close to each other in bed, but that is about it. 

I think she doesn't want to risk pregnancy. Specially not with the wrong person. It happened to her mom, and the dad left her for another women. Her friends also got pregnant at a very young age. She said that if pregnancy happens in the future, it happens. But she does not want it to be with the wrong person, and she also does not want to get pregnant right now. What I don't understand is does she know contraceptives exist? Anyways, thats what she told me about three months ago when we just started to get to know each other.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

. She said that if pregnancy happens in the future, it happens. she also does not want to get pregnant right now. What I don't understand is does she know contraceptives exist? how do I know if she is ready to have the intimacy conversation?

This would be an excellent time to bring up the contraception conversation. It's unclear why she's even going on and on about all the unplanned pregnancies with her family and friends.  Just make sure it doesn't happen to you. 

Simply ask her what she is using and reassure her that if you two are going to have sex, that you will be using condoms in addition to whatever contraception her doctors recommend for her. 

Also be crystal clear that "if it happens it happens" is Not an option and that you plan to focus on your education career and financial stability first. It's weird she's all cuddly in bed but talks about this so much. Perhaps she's a virgin or refraining until marriage or afraid of sex? 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Speaking of finances, the one thing I kinda don't like is that I always pay for everything. Like when we go out, she never offers to chip in. And it adds up.

Best to not bottle things up and instead speak your mind to ask for reasonable things. Because if you don't, resentment will build and one day you might let the anger out in the wrong way. It's totally fine to say things like: Can we go dutch on the lunch out we planned for Friday? I'm on a budget. 

Have you ever sat back and waited for her to ask you for a date instead of you initiating each date? If not, I'd do that to give her a chance to make an effort, and to get out of a predictable pattern you're growing irritable with. You can even tell her those are your wishes, for her to do the asking just as often as you do. If she asks you out, and it seems like she's waiting for you to pull your wallet out, if it were me, I'd say: Oh, when I've asked you out, I've paid, so I assumed you'd sometimes treat me.

If you're afraid of upsetting her, then if she's upset over a reasonable request, it's good to know ASAP she is selfish and unreasonable, and then you can consider if someone like that isn't for you. It could be though, that she's clueless because of being sheltered, or has some false assumptions, and when told what you think is the norm and healthy, she'll jump on board with that.

As for intimacy, don't shove your wants and needs under a doormat because of someone who is always operating from a stance of fear. There's a difference between that and using normal precautions. Communication is key, as said, and knowledge is power to determine if a person is worth being patient for. But if the waiting around extends to extremes, it might be best to consider if being in an abnormal, frustrating relationship is in your best interest. Certainly going from long kisses to pecks is bizarre. I remember the first guy I dated thought French kissing was gross, and even with my inexperience, I thought, BORING. LOL

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

Ask her "how do you feel about splitting checks or taking turns paying for one another?"

[lostandhurt]

8 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

We cuddle, hold each other, and the kisses are more like quick pecks. A lot of them. But just pecks. 

This is troubling.  Usually physical intimacy moves forward and becomes more and more passionate but what you have described is not passionate at all and even going backwards.

 Making out is deep passionate kissing where your heart races and you both can't keep your hands off each other. It does not mean it will lead to sex but it can when the time is right.

 I know this will be difficult to bring up but it is better sooner than later.  Asking her questions about how she feels about kissing, your touch and if she feels a strong physical attraction towards you.  The answers might be hard to hear but you need to hear them.

 I dated 2 Catholic girls in my youth and they were devote but they loved to make out like crazy and some other stuff too 😉 but made it clear they wanted to wait till marriage for sex.  They were very passionate and physical so just being averse to intercourse for what ever reason does not mean a young woman cannot be passionate and physical with you.  Something else is going on here I think.

What you don't want to happen is to date her for a year and then find out you are not compatible.  That is why we all date to get to know each other very well so ask the questions when appropriate. 

  The money thing is just one more red flag in my opinion making me think she is not the girl for you.

 Lost

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 11/10/2023 at 1:43 PM, Wiseman2 said:

This would be an excellent time to bring up the contraception conversation. It's unclear why she's even going on and on about all the unplanned pregnancies with her family and friends.  Just make sure it doesn't happen to you. 

Simply ask her what she is using and reassure her that if you two are going to have sex, that you will be using condoms in addition to whatever contraception her doctors recommend for her. 

Also be crystal clear that "if it happens it happens" is Not an option and that you plan to focus on your education career and financial stability first. It's weird she's all cuddly in bed but talks about this so much. Perhaps she's a virgin or refraining until marriage or afraid of sex? 

I am pretty sure she is afraid of sex. She is a virgin. She indirectly touched on this subject a few months ago. She said she doesn't want to get pregnant by the wrong guy. She also said she does not want any babies at the moment. And last but not least, she said whats the point of sex if she does not want to get pregnant. I thought that was kind of weird, since she is not that religious at all. The way she said it gives the impression she never heard what a condom is.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 11/10/2023 at 1:54 PM, Andrina said:

Best to not bottle things up and instead speak your mind to ask for reasonable things. Because if you don't, resentment will build and one day you might let the anger out in the wrong way. It's totally fine to say things like: Can we go dutch on the lunch out we planned for Friday? I'm on a budget. 

Have you ever sat back and waited for her to ask you for a date instead of you initiating each date? If not, I'd do that to give her a chance to make an effort, and to get out of a predictable pattern you're growing irritable with. You can even tell her those are your wishes, for her to do the asking just as often as you do. If she asks you out, and it seems like she's waiting for you to pull your wallet out, if it were me, I'd say: Oh, when I've asked you out, I've paid, so I assumed you'd sometimes treat me.

If you're afraid of upsetting her, then if she's upset over a reasonable request, it's good to know ASAP she is selfish and unreasonable, and then you can consider if someone like that isn't for you. It could be though, that she's clueless because of being sheltered, or has some false assumptions, and when told what you think is the norm and healthy, she'll jump on board with that.

As for intimacy, don't shove your wants and needs under a doormat because of someone who is always operating from a stance of fear. There's a difference between that and using normal precautions. Communication is key, as said, and knowledge is power to determine if a person is worth being patient for. But if the waiting around extends to extremes, it might be best to consider if being in an abnormal, frustrating relationship is in your best interest. Certainly going from long kisses to pecks is bizarre. I remember the first guy I dated thought French kissing was gross, and even with my inexperience, I thought, BORING. LOL

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Yeah normally she doesnt ask me out on a date. She just says "I miss you" or "when am I going to see you", but thats about it. And about the intimacy part, I agree, its kind of weird. I really hope someday she will want to be intimate with me. Its just really hard for me to be by her side, or to cuddle with her, and being horny and have to hide it. 

[lostandhurt]

1 minute ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Its just really hard for me to be by her side, or to cuddle with her, and being horny and have to hide it. 

Don't hide it.  It is perfectly normal so don't be ashamed that you have the hots for your gf.  Let her know and see how she responds.  Your cautious behavior and being afraid of insulting her or whatever at this point is not warranted.  Take a chance next time you are cuddling and get turned on by kissing her passionately and see what happens.  Living on hope that one day she will want to be intimate with you could leave you waiting a very long time and then finding out hoping was a waste of time.  

She may be wondering why you haven't made a move yet...

 Lost

[Andrina]

Do you have a personal timeline for how long you'll let this abnormal situation go on? 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 11/17/2023 at 11:06 AM, lostandhurt said:

Don't hide it.  It is perfectly normal so don't be ashamed that you have the hots for your gf.  Let her know and see how she responds.  Your cautious behavior and being afraid of insulting her or whatever at this point is not warranted.  Take a chance next time you are cuddling and get turned on by kissing her passionately and see what happens.  Living on hope that one day she will want to be intimate with you could leave you waiting a very long time and then finding out hoping was a waste of time.  

She may be wondering why you haven't made a move yet...

 Lost

Update. Its been 4 months. Our relationship is good. Recently, she became more comfortable. And the past few weeks, we started getting naked together, me eating her out, fingering her. She does want to have sex, but not yet. She doesnt feel entirely ready for penetration. But at the same time she has imagined us having sex. She just needs time. I have told her Im going to have condoms ready in my wallet for when she is ready and she agreed. There is only a few things that frustrate me.

1) I go down on her 90% of the time. And she goes down on me 10% of the time. She is a little selfish. When ever I ask if she can jerk me off or give me head, she is like "not right now". Only later, she becomes comfortable with the idea. She jerks me off, but she only gives me head for like 15 seconds. I feel rejected. Yesterday she said she wanted to jerk me off until I came. But I could not cum. The way she jerks me off is not the same way I do it. I have tried explaining and teaching her, but it's like only my hand can get me off. And I am super frustrated. So I had to jerk off and cum in front of her. She liked seeing me cum, but I feel bad she couldnt make me cum.

2) I can't make her cum. I have tried everything. Fingering her, eating her out. But I can't make her climax. I have done research, but nothing helps. She says she feels good. And for me not to worry about it. That I will get better. But I wanna make her cum. The are days she prefers me fingering her vagina. And other days she prefers clit stimulation. I am so lost. Even she doesnt know how to explain what feels good. I am afraid she will not want to have sex with me If I don't make her cum soon.

3) This whole thing started 2 weeks ago. We have done all this 3 days in a row. And I am getting tired. I don't want our relationship to be only sexual. I want to go out with her, be a couple. But everytime I go to pick her up, she tells me to come inside her house. One thing leads to the other, and then we are naked for the rest of the day. She said she loves "us enjoying our selves". But I only enjoy my self 10% of the time since she barely goes down on me. And I am afraid she will get tired of getting intimate, ultimately ruining our relationship. 

[Batya33]

You're in this relationship. There's a word it's really short it's called No.  "No, I'd prefer to go out tonight -would you like to go to --- or ----."  "I appreciate the invitation to go to your place.  No thanks.  Let's go _____"  

[Wiseman2]

On 11/9/2023 at 12:54 PM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

. All she told me months ago was that she is afraid of sex. 

She's only 20. Does she live with her parents? Go to school? Work?

Has she had relationships or a BF before? Are you from the same culture/religion? Is she a virgin? Or waiting for marriage?

If you want to sow some wild oats or get more sexual experiences, this doesn't seem like the right girl for you. 

She seems extremely cautious about sexual activity whether it's personal or her belief system or whatever, but casual sex and exploring sexual desires doesn't seem like something she's interested in. At least not for a while. 

So unfortunately you're incompatible if this is nothing but frustration.