Narcassist or just me being ***

[smackie9]

That's the sad part....there is no convincing a person like that they are wrong and they never take it that well. Gaslighting/manipulation/blame, lack of empathy, etc is in their box of tricks to getting their way because it's always about them. What you see is what you get. My ex would use manipulation like that...emotional blackmail. I after 5 years I finally got out of there. Divorce might be something to consider. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

That's the sad part....there is no convincing a person like that they are wrong and they never take it that well. Gaslighting/manipulation/blame, lack of empathy, etc is in their box of tricks to getting their way because it's always about them. What you see is what you get. My ex would use manipulation like that...emotional blackmail. I after 5 years I finally got out of there. Divorce might be something to consider. 

Yes,  gaslighting.  It's the oldest,  most manipulative psychological warfare tactic.  😡

[catfeeder]

I’d tell him to take that energy to go find another place to live.

 If he wants to sulk, let him sulk. I’d tell him that I have zero interest or energy to give to a grown adult who is disinterested in understanding what recovery from surgery is like for someone who he obviously doesn’t love or respect. He’s free to take that toxicity with him wherever he chooses to live.

[boltnrun]

And he expects a hand job while you're recovering from surgery. Ridiculous.

I presume he has hands. He can do that himself. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Ya… someone who can’t set aside their own needs when their wife is recovering from surgery and has a fit over her not tending to him is narcissistic behavior. Is he an actual narcissist? I don’t know, does it matter at that point?  You say this behavior has been consistent and you’ve been married for at least 30 years. Jesus.  So yea, this isn’t going to change 

 

I am a diagnosed narcissist. Lmao. I can sniff it out in other people really quickly. Just the few examples you have about his tantrums, it does sound like his viewpoints interfere with his ability to have healthy and functional interpersonal relationships. At the end of the day, If emotional intimacy is what you want (including non-transactional love, kindness, and empathy) you won’t get it from him because people who operate like this lack empathy. If someone doesn’t understand what empathy is, how can they offer it to you?  It would be like trying to communicate with a prehistoric creature that was brought back to life - the frames of reference are just too different. You’re begging a prehistoric creature to give you the care and consideration you deserve. May as well go out and talk to your garden rocks. 
 

I remember before my diagnosis I was in a relationship with someone who I let be physically hurt because I didn’t want her to sleep a certain way.  How absurd is that?  I had no empathy so her voicing to me she was “hurt” actually held no meaning, I’d laugh at and insult her if she cried because I couldn’t comprehend pain.  Everything was about how it would affect only me, and I only felt loved if she was essentially forgoing her own needs for mine.  I was abusive. Don’t let anyone abuse you. 

[LL1421]

11 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ya… someone who can’t set aside their own needs when their wife is recovering from surgery and has a fit over her not tending to him is narcissistic behavior. Is he an actual narcissist? I don’t know, does it matter at that point?  You say this behavior has been consistent and you’ve been married for at least 30 years. Jesus.  So yea, this isn’t going to change 

 

I am a diagnosed narcissist. Lmao. I can sniff it out in other people really quickly. Just the few examples you have about his tantrums, it does sound like his viewpoints interfere with his ability to have healthy and functional interpersonal relationships. At the end of the day, If emotional intimacy is what you want (including non-transactional love, kindness, and empathy) you won’t get it from him because people who operate like this lack empathy. If someone doesn’t understand what empathy is, how can they offer it to you?  It would be like trying to communicate with a prehistoric creature that was brought back to life - the frames of reference are just too different. You’re begging a prehistoric creature to give you the care and consideration you deserve. May as well go out and talk to your garden rocks. 
 

I remember before my diagnosis I was in a relationship with someone who I let be physically hurt because I didn’t want her to sleep a certain way.  How absurd is that?  I had no empathy so her voicing to me she was “hurt” actually held no meaning, I’d laugh at and insult her if she cried because I couldn’t comprehend pain.  Everything was about how it would affect only me, and I only felt loved if she was essentially forgoing her own needs for mine.  I was abusive. Don’t let anyone abuse you. 

Hi thanks for replying, we have been married 3 years not 30 , the 30 yr thing was how long i been vegetarian, if you dont mind ne asking, how did you come to realise your behaviiur was harmful, it sounds like you have taken steps to change, so much you said resonates with him and trying to explain to people who dont understsnd how frustating and humiliating it is so diffucult, im currently sleeping on the couch, yes post op , whilst he is in bed because he had another tantrum and i cant be near him

[boltnrun]

He will not change.

Why? Because he doesn't view himself as the problem. He would have to WANT to change. I bet he sees every problem as YOUR fault, not his.

How does 50 more years of dealing with this sound to you? Like the happy, contented dream marriage you always wanted? Or more like your worst nightmare?

[NighttimeNightmare]

25 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

how did you come to realise your behaviiur was harmful,

I’m an anomaly, don’t use my awareness as hopium for your situation. Most narcissists don’t change, and honestly i still struggle with empathy and black and white thinking. The only difference is I know when I’m hurting someone and can reel it back. Do I care? Not necessarily, it’s more of like a code I follow.  I’ve understood certain behaviors hurt others so I won’t engage in it, but it’s not because I care about the person. 
 

ironically, what led to my awareness was because I came to care about one person in particular and for whatever reason, I didn’t want to harm her specifically. So I sought out therapy and that’s where I was diagnosed.  One thing I can say about her is she had a very dominant personality and was the only person in my adult life who set up firm boundaries with me, I think that led to my respecting her.  It was very attractive. I tended to always look down on people who were sheepish and non-assertive. 
 

I’ve learned that there are some people who exist that I’ll allow myself to care about and I feel safe in offering them semblances of vulnerability, to the extent I’m able, but that’s where it stops.  I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to make this guy “see the light,” doesn’t sound like he values or respects you at all. And honestly this has little to do with you,‘it’s more to do with his internal viewing plane of how he sees and interacts with himself 
 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’m an anomaly, don’t use my awareness as hopium for your situation. Most narcissists don’t change, and honestly i still struggle with empathy and black and white thinking. The only difference is I know when I’m hurting someone and can reel it back. Do I care? Not necessarily, it’s more of like a code I follow.  I’ve understood certain behaviors hurt others so I won’t engage in it, but it’s not because I care about the person. 
 

ironically, what led to my awareness was because I came to care about one person in particular and for whatever reason, I didn’t want to harm her specifically. So I sought out therapy and that’s where I was diagnosed.  One thing I can say about her is she had a very dominant personality and was the only person in my adult life who set up firm boundaries with me, I think that led to my respecting her.  It was very attractive. I tended to always look down on people who were sheepish and non-assertive. 
 

I’ve learned that there are some people who exist that I’ll allow myself to care about and I feel safe in offering them semblances of vulnerability, to the extent I’m able, but that’s where it stops.  I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to make this guy “see the light,” doesn’t sound like he values or respects you at all. And honestly this has little to do with you,‘it’s more to do with his internal viewing plane of how he sees and interacts with himself 
 

 

 

I wish my sister and her husband,  my brother-in-law (BIL) were as humble as you are @NighttimeNightmare.  My sister and BIL should wear name tags that says:  "Hello,  my name is _________ and I'm a narcissist."  They should attend NA (Narcissist Anonymous) meetings just like AA. 

To your credit,  at least you realize what you had done to those whom you've hurt.  At least you have a conscience whereas some relatives and my in-laws wouldn't know the meaning of a conscience if you hit them on the head with it.  ☹️

[NighttimeNightmare]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister and BIL should wear name tags that says:  "Hello,  my name is _________ and I'm a narcissist."  They should attend NA (Narcissist Anonymous) meetings just like AA. 

There are people in my life who would say the same about me lol 
 

cluster b disorders are so difficult to treat because the person with the disorder doesn’t think anything is amiss or that they’re ever wrong. 
 

im willing to admit I’m wrong, with OP she may as well leave now since it’s only been 3 years. 

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

There are people in my life who would say the same about me lol 
 

cluster b disorders are so difficult to treat because the person with the disorder doesn’t think anything is amiss or that they’re ever wrong. 
 

I'm willing to admit I’m wrong, with OP she may as well leave now since it’s only been 3 years. 

Yes,  kudos to you @NighttimeNightmare.  100% of narcissists in my life from relatives to in-laws would never admit wrongdoing if their very life depended on it.  😣  They get away with it for decades because there are no consequences. 

I can't control other people to my favor.  However,  I've since pumped the brakes on those painful relationships with either enforced,  strict boundaries or estrangement.  Both strategies have worked wonders.  I no longer enable nor grant them permission to abuse me.  Those days are over.  I feel safe at last. 🤗  😉

[Andrina]

In my first marriage, my husband had some of the traits your husband possesses. It was so wonderful to be free of that environment after I divorced him. I was shocked to hear myself laughing out loud, since I'd gone without expressing that sort of joy for many years.

Do you have a support system of friends and family? Are you leasing or do you own a home together? Don't stress yourself about the enormity of a break up. Take baby steps toward that goal. First, don't tell him you're doing this, but make an appointment with a lawyer for the info you need and guidance. Secondly, if he is on any of your joint bank accounts and credit cards, remove him. Change any passwords he's in the know about.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but keep telling yourself you're strong enough to get out. Take care.

[Iwishiwasahologram]

On 8/23/2023 at 6:29 AM, LL1421 said:

He makes things so difficult if he doesnt get his own way, will sulk, tell me i dont love him or care about him will make home life very difficult, and if i try to expalin he says im just coming up with excuses 

He needs his mommy not you. You're better than that and deserve so much more. My ex did this and would start full blown fights if he couldn't sleep in bc I didn't get his clothes out for him for work. 🤣