Narcassist or just me being ***

[LL1421]

I dont know where to start, so much has gone on that are raising conceens for me, my husband se3ms void of any emotion, empathy and just wants thibgs his own way all the time, the most recent one i am 1 week post op , gallbladder removal and have been struggling , he was helpful ish for a few days , made me drinks and soup, but is now moaning because we havent had sex , and says i should be at least releiving him by masterbating him, and this shows that i dont love him, or care about his feelings.  Espcially since i was well enough to accompany my 18 autistuc son to the dentist a day ago, im at a loss how to deal with him at the moment , any advice ? 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

 i am 1 week post op , gallbladder removal and have been struggling.  says i should be at least releiving him by masterbating him, 

Take care of yourself and recover. There's no need to participate in anything you don't feel well enough to do.  Give him a Kleenex and tell him to grow up and take care of himself.

[Guest]

Very narcissistic, but sadly not too rare. 

He's mad that you can't be his mom after you've had surgery. 

Sickening 

[LL1421]

He makes things so difficult if he doesnt get his own way, will sulk, tell me i dont love him or care about him will make home life very difficult, and if i try to expalin he says im just coming up with excuses 

[Batya33]

Neither -people who act like jerks at times aren't necessarily any diagnosis including narcissistic and people who might be too needy aren't any particular general label.  In this situation your husband seems clueless that you right now need to heal, to rest, and that takes time and different amounts of time for different people. 

I was guilty at least once of not expressing what I needed after an oral surgery for example - I made my way home myself and it was dumb -post-anasthesia, I then tried to feed my toddler standing up and my husband said "oh should I cancel my lunch with [his friend]" - I mean - what?? Why not look and just cancel. But also since I was standing up and feeding our son he really might have been clueless so it was also on me to communicate how I was feeling. 

Before the surgery did you two talk about the post op and whether you needed to hire a nurse or arrange for food delivery or your restrictions like lifting things? Did he have all the information on what to expect and did you?

Many people are just not skilled at being post-op caregivers. Especially if healing is slower. After my c-section I was sure that the reason I was having weird symptoms was from an antibiotic I was taking for a incision infection. But, it was a stroke.  My husband knew  to call a doctor friend, my doctor and somehow get me to go to the ER and leave our infant.

That's how he showed he cared by staying home with our infant and calling our relatives to take me to the hospital - he didn't make me food etc - he got peed on by our 12 day old son while with his other hand taking a call from his father because his mother had fallen and was in the ER. Just saying there are different ways of showing you care - your husband might not have known he was still suppose to bring you food. It's completely boorish -especially postsurgery to expect sexual favors.  I'd have a sit down with him and use I statements as  far as your expectations.  

I think your husband acted like a jerk as far as being demanding about sex.Is this the first time he's acted this way about sex??

[LL1421]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Neither -people who act like jerks at times aren't necessarily any diagnosis including narcissistic and people who might be too needy aren't any particular general label.  In this situation your husband seems clueless that you right now need to heal, to rest, and that takes time and different amounts of time for different people. 

I was guilty at least once of not expressing what I needed after an oral surgery for example - I made my way home myself and it was dumb -post-anasthesia, I then tried to feed my toddler standing up and my husband said "oh should I cancel my lunch with [his friend]" - I mean - what?? Why not look and just cancel. But also since I was standing up and feeding our son he really might have been clueless so it was also on me to communicate how I was feeling. 

Before the surgery did you two talk about the post op and whether you needed to hire a nurse or arrange for food delivery or your restrictions like lifting things? Did he have all the information on what to expect and did you?

Many people are just not skilled at being post-op caregivers. Especially if healing is slower. After my c-section I was sure that the reason I was having weird symptoms was from an antibiotic I was taking for a incision infection. But, it was a stroke.  My husband knew  to call a doctor friend, my doctor and somehow get me to go to the ER and leave our infant.

That's how he showed he cared by staying home with our infant and calling our relatives to take me to the hospital - he didn't make me food etc - he got peed on by our 12 day old son while with his other hand taking a call from his father because his mother had fallen and was in the ER. Just saying there are different ways of showing you care - your husband might not have known he was still suppose to bring you food. It's completely boorish -especially postsurgery to expect sexual favors.  I'd have a sit down with him and use I statements as  far as your expectations.  

I think your husband acted like a jerk as far as being demanding about sex.Is this the first time he's acted this way about sex??

 

[LL1421]

No it isnt , if i say im tired or just dont feel upto it he will do the same , we have sex most nights. It isnt about him doing things for me , i understand that people have different wats to showbthey care but he seems to have none , we both work he comes home goes to bed whilst i sort the house out then will come down when tea is ready, he doesnt do anything , 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

 if i try to expalin he says im just coming up with excuses 

Please don't explain anything. Simply move to the guest room for peace and quiet and recovery. Pestering you while recuperating is obnoxious at best. Distance yourself.

[LL1421]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't explain anything. Simply move to the guest room for peace and quiet and recovery. Pestering you while recuperating is obnoxious at best. Distance yourself.

 

[LL1421]

If i try and do that he follows me , and says its because i dont care about how he feels 

[LL1421]

To give another example of his moodiness , i have been vegetarian for over 30 years , he became vegetarian when we net, i never asked him to what people eat is their chouce, but said he did it for me, last night he declared he wantrd to eat meat again, so ordered himself a huge kebab , fine if that is what he wants to do, but then he said he wants me to start eating meat to which i replied no , so he said he became vege for me because he loves me so i should start eating meat to show that i would do the same for him , or it just means that he lives me more and i just dont care 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

To give another example of his moodiness ,  i should start eating meat to show that i would do the same for him , 

Please talk to your physician about your surgery and appropriate diet.

It's unclear if you are just quibbling about nonsense such as whether he's a vegan or not or whether you are in an abusive relationship.

Please find out by researching domestic abuse as well as contacting domestic abuse agencies for information advice and support.

It would be a lot more helpful to get a sound understanding of domestic abuse than to list all the egregious behaviors and getting dragged into inane arguments.

[LL1421]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please talk to your physician about your surgery and appropriate diet.

It's unclear if you are just quibbling about nonsense such as whether he's a vegan or not or whether you are in an abusive relationship.

Please find out by researching domestic abuse as well as contacting domestic abuse agencies for information advice and support.

It would be a lot more helpful to get a sound understanding of domestic abuse than to list all the egregious behaviors and getting dragged into inane arguments.

I know, thus is already someting i have considered 

[kehratha]

Narcissist or not, he's being abusive.

Did you consider to part ways? How is your living situation? You said you have an autistic son, I figure your life wasn't by any means very easy. 

[LL1421]

5 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Narcissist or not, he's being abusive.

Did you consider to part ways? How is your living situation? You said you have an autistic son, I figure your life wasn't by any means very easy. 

I have considered many times , but starting all over again with nothing will be hard , living situation - as long as he gets his own way things are fine 

[kehratha]

1 minute ago, LL1421 said:

I have considered many times , but starting all over again with nothing will be hard , living situation - as long as he gets his own way things are fine 

Yeah, but it's not harder to walk on eggshell for him to"gets his own way"?

You should try to find a way to get out of there, not a way to cope with his inconsiderate behavior.

If he was always like that, chances for him to change are minimal...

 

[Kwothe28]

I would say there is a good chance of him being a narcissist. Narcissists hate somebody else being a center of attention. Being that, due to circumstances you are actually the center of attention now, he is trying with everything for him to get back there. Asking for sex, him eating a kebab, its more of a giant cry for attention then anything else. Add lack of empathy and signs of narcissism are trully there.

Does he has a delusion of grandeur? Talking about himself like he is the most important person in the world? How world would stop if he doesnt exist? You know, that kind of stuff?

Also yes, his behavior is just wow, next level abusive. Who even does that stuff with kebab? You should definitely get out of there sooner rather then later.

[LL1421]

Yes he always turns converstaions or situations on to himself, ehat ever the topic he will change it to something he is dping in work how fantastic such a thing he did was etc its like theres no room for anyone else 

[LL1421]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would say there is a good chance of him being a narcissist. Narcissists hate somebody else being a center of attention. Being that, due to circumstances you are actually the center of attention now, he is trying with everything for him to get back there. Asking for sex, him eating a kebab, its more of a giant cry for attention then anything else. Add lack of empathy and signs of narcissism are trully there.

Does he has a delusion of grandeur? Talking about himself like he is the most important person in the world? How world would stop if he doesnt exist? You know, that kind of stuff?

Also yes, his behavior is just wow, next level abusive. Who even does that stuff with kebab? You should definitely get out of there sooner rather then later.

 

[LL1421]

Thank you to all who have replied to this topic, its made me feel a bit better that im not being unreasonable xx

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, LL1421 said:

I have considered many times , but starting all over again with nothing will be hard , living situation - as long as he gets his own way things are fine 

Read your last phrase. Over and over again. You’re living with a bully. What could be harder than that ? Status quo is easier. And incredibly unhealthy for you and your son. 

[boltnrun]

Why would you have "nothing"? Is he your son's father? If not I presume you receive child support for your son or government assistance if he's an adult. And if you have a job you can support yourself. 

I divorced my husband and had to literally start from ground zero with a young child. We made it. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, LL1421 said:

Yes he always turns converstaions or situations on to himself, ehat ever the topic he will change it to something he is dping in work how fantastic such a thing he did was etc its like theres no room for anyone else 

Yeah, there is a very, very good chance of narcissism. Neverthless, its not a good environment for you or your son. Get out of there before he does more damage on you.

[Cherylyn]

A narcissist is a person who does not care about you nor cares how you feel.  Their only concern is revolved around themselves or how another person can benefit them either now or eventually.  A narcissist uses you,  takes advantage of you and uses you as a vessel.  That's it.  They have zero empathy.  If they have temporary empathy,  it's design is to again,  benefit them in any capacity.  Narcissism isn't about preening oneself in the mirror.  I wish it were that easy.  A narcissist's primary concern is always about themselves and this is how they operate.  It took me a long time to learn how  narcissists think as I,  unfortunately have some relatives and in-laws who are narcissists.  ☹️ 😡

Learn to say, "No."  Don't acquiesce.  Hold your ground.  Never deal with selfish people.   No means no. 

I agree with @Kwothe28.  Dump the chump!

Heal well post-surgery.  🙏

[Batya33]

I am surprised you expected to act differently than normal- which of course is not normal - just because you had surgery.