Trying to figure out what went wrong

[Jennysalazar]

I’m 32F and started dating a 32M a little over a year ago. The relationship was great, the best one I’ve been in in a long time. We got along really well, had similar goals/aspirations, motivated each other. Over the year we were together, he often discussed our future together… talking about when it would make sense to move in together, talked about saving up to buy a house, what area we wanted to live in. We took several trips together, rarely ever had arguments. He was super involved with my family, my niece called him uncle, he was planning to come on our family vacation this summer. Everything seemed to be going amazing until about a month before the break up. He started to act a little more distant, less lovey dovey. I was super busy at work (I work as a doctor in a city) so I thought I was just reading into it too much and that it was normal to have some lulls in the relationship. One day, he opened up that his depression had worsened lately. He has a history of it but when we first met, he had recently started medication and therapy and said it was the best it had been. He said he hadn’t been consistent with his meds and thought that was the reason but that he wanted to be open with me because he just didn’t feel happy and didn’t want that to affect us. He was very adamant that his unhappiness had nothing to do with our relationship and reassured me that he really hoped his emotional distance wasn’t ruining what we had. I honestly felt relieved to have an answer as to why he was acting more distant the past month. We formulated a plan for him to get back on his meds, see a therapist. He gets a lot of joy out of being outdoors and traveling so we talked about doing more active things, taking weekend trips etc. I felt good after our convo and knew it would take time to see any results. The two weeks following that convo were seemingly normal. But then one day he texted me asking if we could talk. He called me and said he just didn’t feel like he could invest in the relationship. I was dumbfounded. Caught so off guard. Of course I asked why and he didn’t have a good answer. I did push because I just wanted to stay composed and not be emotionally irrational so I ended the convo by saying that if it’s really over, he needed to return my apartment keys and stuff that was at his house. It seemed like such an impulsive decision that I was somewhat hoping that giving him space for a week before getting my stuff back would make him rethink his decision. Unfortunately when he came to drop everything off, there weren’t many exchanged words. I didn’t want to force a sit down convo and he didn’t offer any more of an explanation. That was 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t heard anything since. 
 

I truly feel so confused. He was a very trust worthy person so I don’t think this is a situation of any third party being involved. I keep re reading our old texts to try to figure out where things went wrong. Only 1 month prior to the Break up, he was texting me things like “I love you so much!”, planning out future trips/dates/events etc together. Can depression really make you just want to end a relationship that abruptly? I keep hoping with time he will snap out of it. But I know it’s foolish of me to hold onto hope and I just need to try to move on. Would I even want to rekindle things with someone who treated me as expendable? I just had this future in mind that feels ripped away from me without any explanation. Not sure if anyone has been in a similar situation but any advice or insight helps. 
 

xo confused. 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, Jennysalazar said:

Can depression really make you just want to end a relationship that abruptly?

Possibly. You have to understand that depressed person has overall dissatisfaction with life in general. Meaning that he has difficulties to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do some more complex stuff like being in a relationship. That is why they are very unreliable partners in general. When it hits them they are not very "relationship material". I would even say they are not material for anything. Because they are just the shells of what they are. 

31 minutes ago, Jennysalazar said:

Would I even want to rekindle things with someone who treated me as expendable?

That is a pretty good and insightful question to ask.I dont think he really thinks about you. This is probably not a "you" issue. As again, he probably has troubles to get motivation to get out of the bed. But yes, even if you do reconcile, there is no guarantee he wouldnt again have an episode and broke up again. As Ive said, people with mental health issues are not known as reliable partners in general.

[Andrina]

It's hard not to drive yourself crazy about if he's telling the truth or became interested in someone else. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because whether he thought long and hard with a clear head about breaking up, or did it because he's in a skewed mental state, he's too high of a risk as a partner if you two reconciled. It's best to expect he'd repeat the pattern of bailing when life gets rough.

I was married to a depressed man in my first marriage and had my share of my former spouse isolating himself. It's one common behavior trait among depressed people who go off meds or can't quite get the right dosage or type of meds that will work well with their bodies. 

Though it's hurtful to you that you haven't heard from him, it's actually better for you to be able to gain closure. If I were you, I'd even block his number so he doesn't bring you back to square one in the healing process if he happens to call. Whenever I had breakups, it'd take a good 4 to 6 months to stop thinking daily of my ex. Know this is normal, and hopefully, you'll get through this process well with self-care. 

[LootieTootie]

I am sorry how you're feeling and it sucks but I would believe him. If he tells you he doesn't have the emotional and mental capacity to invest in the relationship, it means he's checking out and will now do so physically. When you have a loved one who is chronically depressed (my dad) and being around them regularly, it can be draining. Maybe he knew this and didnt want to do that to you, knowing you already have a high stress job.

Sending good vibes to you and just know you need some space to heal.

 

[Jennysalazar]

43 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's hard not to drive yourself crazy about if he's telling the truth or became interested in someone else. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because whether he thought long and hard with a clear head about breaking up, or did it because he's in a skewed mental state, he's too high of a risk as a partner if you two reconciled. It's best to expect he'd repeat the pattern of bailing when life gets rough.

I was married to a depressed man in my first marriage and had my share of my former spouse isolating himself. It's one common behavior trait among depressed people who go off meds or can't quite get the right dosage or type of meds that will work well with their bodies. 

Though it's hurtful to you that you haven't heard from him, it's actually better for you to be able to gain closure. If I were you, I'd even block his number so he doesn't bring you back to square one in the healing process if he happens to call. Whenever I had breakups, it'd take a good 4 to 6 months to stop thinking daily of my ex. Know this is normal, and hopefully, you'll get through this process well with self-care. 

Thank you for your insight ! I agree that not being contacted is probably better for me in the long run. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that every time my phone lights up, a small part of me is hoping it’s him saying “I made a huge mistake.” It just feels like we had so much good on the horizon for us and that everything fell apart so quickly that it’s left my mind spinning trying to find some sort of answers that I know I won’t find. And even if I did.. wouldn’t change the outcome. I just miss him and hate the thought that he doesn’t miss me too 😞 

[Jennysalazar]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

I am sorry how you're feeling and it sucks but I would believe him. If he tells you he doesn't have the emotional and mental capacity to invest in the relationship, it means he's checking out and will now do so physically. When you have a loved one who is chronically depressed (my dad) and being around them regularly, it can be draining. Maybe he knew this and didnt want to do that to you, knowing you already have a high stress job.

Sending good vibes to you and just know you need some space to heal.

 

Thank you so much! 

[shouldhavelearned]

That totally stinks

Meds, reality, other woman

No telling

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Jennysalazar said:

I truly feel so confused. He was a very trust worthy person so I don’t think this is a situation of any third party being involved. I keep re reading our old texts to try to figure out where things went wrong. Only 1 month prior to the Break up, he was texting me things like “I love you so much!”, planning out future trips/dates/events etc together. Can depression really make you just want to end a relationship that abruptly? I keep hoping with time he will snap out of it. But I know it’s foolish of me to hold onto hope and I just need to try to move on. Would I even want to rekindle things with someone who treated me as expendable?

No, you do not.

IMO, he gave you warning.. before he actually did it.

And yes, when depression sets in, it's mentally draining at times, to where you have NO desires. Just low 😕 . One can pull away/ push others away, go distant, isolate, etc.

As for all of these 'ideas and plans', IMO, was a little much for only being involved for about a year.  You two were getting way ahead of yourselves in this.  When you should still be continuing to get to know each other... ( that's reality).

So, just be respectful and leave him be.. I'm sure he does have some 'feel bad feelings' going on as well for what's happened.

Give it some time.. and move on. ( and don't jump into an idea of instant love & success- but let it build in a healthy manner).

 

 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

That totally stinks

Meds, reality, other woman

No telling

Agree.

I think you handled the disappointment perfectly.

It's hard to say what went wrong though. I think that ultimately, you moved to fast in this relationship. You had a false sense of security about how well you actually knew this person. It turns out you didn't really know him at all.

[Jennysalazar]

6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

As for all of these 'ideas and plans', IMO, was a little much for only being involved for about a year.  You two were getting way ahead of yourselves in this.  When you should still be continuing to get to know each other... ( that's reality).

 

 

Is it? I feel like 2 years is a normal time to get engaged. Even earlier if you’re a little older and more settled in life like we are. So maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think making sure you’re on the same page about wanting a future together after 10 months (which is when we first discussed) is *that* early. We both had to make some big decisions about jobs/careers that would affect the relationship. So before making those decisions, I think it’s expected to have a “where is this headed” conversation. 
 

but I appreciate the advice otherwise. 

[Jennysalazar]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

That totally stinks

Meds, reality, other woman

No telling

Yeah 😞 which is also why I didn’t push for a sit down conversation when he dropped stuff off. Because as much as I want answers as to “why”… I just had this feeling he wouldn’t be able to give me an answer and even if it did.. would it really make me feel better? Unlikely. It would probably just make me feel worse haha. If this was an impulsive decision to throw the relationship away.. it hurts. If this was something he thought about for weeks or months.. it hurts, just in a different way. 
 

there is a rational side to my brain that says “you don’t want someone who runs away so easily when times get tough. You want security and consistency and communication.” But there is an emotional side of my brain that just keeps thinking “people can go through a tough time and make an impulsive decision and then work on themselves and work through their tough time and come out on the other end realizing they handled the situation wrong” and maybe we could get through that. My days are good and bad depending on which side of my brain I lean into that day. Sigh. 
 

Life stinks sometimes. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Breakups hurt. From your description it seems like he was contemplating a way out for a while. For whatever reasons. Unfortunately his under treated mood disorder doesn't help the situation. 

Ultimately you dodged a bullet because as you mentioned, someone like this is unreliable because they come on hard and fast only to realize they're in over their heads and simply give up.

[Batya33]

Who was mostly initiating the real conversations about a future as opposed to fun but sort of fluffy romantic dreams and talks. You or him ? Who was continuing the conversations?  Ten months is not too soon at all IMO. Getting engaged after two years is totally good 

My parents broke up for a summer right before getting engaged. Because my dad was depressed. Maybe even recently diagnosed whatever that looked like in the 1950s. But they got back together. Married 62 years until she had an affair with a hot IG influencer.  Kidding. 62 years until my dad died in 2016. 
It was REALLY hard. So hard. My mom is a gift from the heavens for my dad because she got him to comply with meds and therapy and when needed with hospitalization.  Two kids. He was bipolar. He worked so hard in his career for 50 years. Because of her - her cheerleading and love and persistence.
I wouldn’t wish if on anyone. It was so hard to grow up that way too. I’d cut my losses. My mom loves her freedom now. She didn’t complain in that sense. She probably didn’t know different. She also didn’t know how to balance caring for him and caring for us and caring for herself. Or knew but didn’t have the wherewithal to implement. We don’t discuss it. 
Don’t put yourself through this even if he does come back. JMHO
 

[Jennysalazar]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Who was mostly initiating the real conversations about a future as opposed to fun but sort of fluffy romantic dreams and talks. You or him ? Who was continuing the conversations?  Ten months is not too soon at all IMO. Getting engaged after two years is totally good 

My parents broke up for a summer right before getting engaged. Because my dad was depressed. Maybe even recently diagnosed whatever that looked like in the 1950s. But they got back together. Married 62 years until she had an affair with a hot IG influencer.  Kidding. 62 years until my dad died in 2016. 
It was REALLY hard. So hard. My mom is a gift from the heavens for my dad because she got him to comply with meds and therapy and when needed with hospitalization.  Two kids. He was bipolar. He worked so hard in his career for 50 years. Because of her - her cheerleading and love and persistence.
I wouldn’t wish if on anyone. It was so hard to grow up that way too. I’d cut my losses. My mom loves her freedom now. She didn’t complain in that sense. She probably didn’t know different. She also didn’t know how to balance caring for him and caring for us and caring for herself. Or knew but didn’t have the wherewithal to implement. We don’t discuss it. 
Don’t put yourself through this even if he does come back. JMHO
 

Thank you for your story!! It was almost always him who initiated the serious talks. I sometimes have a hard time being vulnerable in a relationship which leads to me holding my cards close to my chest until I feel secure and comfortable. He really made me feel like that. My apartment lease was ending in may and I had to make a decision to renew it or not in March (around the 10 months mark of our relationship) and that is what  ultimately prompted him to propose the option of not renewing my lease and moving into his house. It led to convos about how life would look over the next few years. He proposed the idea of me moving in and then discussed how it would make sense to live together so we could save up some money to buy a house over the next few years. They were good conversations, not forced and didn’t seem at all disingenuous. I was starting a new job that was a 15 walk from my current apartment. And his house was a 30-40+ minute drive away. Ultimately we came to the decision that I would renew my lease and we would do a trial of me commuting from his house to see how it went (I didn’t know how long my hours would be in the new job and this was the first time in a while that I wouldn’t have an hour long commute.) he was also apply to a new job in the city and so we figured, if he got that job, it would make more sense to live in my apartment and rent out his house. My lease would have been easy to break sooner than one year if everything went smoothly with the trial run. Obviously we never made it to said trial run. But this is a long winded answer to say that the serious convos about the future were completely prompted by him. Which made me feel secure. 
 

im happy to hear that you mom and dad had a long successful marriage in the end. Although I’m sure it did take its toll on her like you said. I guess ultimately there isn’t really anything I can do except let him be and let him figure out his own stuff. And in the interim.. try to move on. If he comes back after a few months like your dad, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. If* I come to it. 
 

❤️ 

[Batya33]

Did buying property mean to him a deeper emotional and marital like commitment?  Sounds far more based on convenience and finances. When we discussed marriage we had to discuss logistics because I’d have to relocate for his career.  I agreed.  Nothing to do with owning property or sharing living space and not prompted at all by lease renewals. That was secondary to the initial decision to be married in the not too distant future. We knew we’d make the living arrangements thing work. The relocation was a bigger deal as it affected my employment. 
We kept our own apartments until shortly after we were married. He moved into my place. Three months later our newborn moved in too lol. 550 sq feet for first 3 months. If you love each other and want to be married you make it work. We did!

certainly you can have all the discussions at once. Yours just sound heavily focused on $ and logistics. Not the marital commitment. 

[Jennysalazar]

Ours was more about the “future together” and marriage and what not. It’s not as though we couldn’t afford where we were both living at the time. I think the lease ending just gave him a prompt to bring up the topic of “where is this headed.” And ultimately, we both agreed that we saw a future together, marriage, family, buying a house. The financial benefits of moving in together were just a bonus and contributed to discussions about buying a house together in the coming few years. It was all part of deeper conversations about how we pictured and hoped the next few years would unfold. And he was very adamant about wanting that future to unfold with me. He works in finance/banking and I’m a physician.. so there’s never been any financial issues at play for our decisions or discussions. It was more of a “hey we have something special, I see a future together, I can picture us buying a house and starting a family, your lease is up in may, maybe this would be a good time to take things to the next level, it’ll also be good because we can then start to save up for our future plans” 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Jennysalazar said:

Ours was more about the “future together” and marriage and what not. It’s not as though we couldn’t afford where we were both living at the time. I think the lease ending just gave him a prompt to bring up the topic of “where is this headed.” And ultimately, we both agreed that we saw a future together, marriage, family, buying a house. The financial benefits of moving in together were just a bonus and contributed to discussions about buying a house together in the coming few years. It was all part of deeper conversations about how we pictured and hoped the next few years would unfold. And he was very adamant about wanting that future to unfold with me. He works in finance/banking and I’m a physician.. so there’s never been any financial issues at play for our decisions or discussions. It was more of a “hey we have something special, I see a future together, I can picture us buying a house and starting a family, your lease is up in may, maybe this would be a good time to take things to the next level, it’ll also be good because we can then start to save up for our future plans” 

Ok good sounds like the normal discussions. The issue is he has a chemical imbalance right ? So if it’s not being treated properly then following through with these plans are far more challenging if not seemingly impossible. 

[Jennysalazar]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ok good sounds like the normal discussions. The issue is he has a chemical imbalance right ? So if it’s not being treated properly then following through with these plans are far more challenging if not seemingly impossible. 

Yes completely agree! 
 

when he first opened up about being in a wave of depression, he was very forthcoming and open with me. He said he had felt a lot better on his medication over the last 1.5 years and that made him start to forget to take it. Because he felt good. It also made him go to therapy less.  So when the Convo came up, it seemed like we had a good plan in place. Get back on the medication, find a good therapist you like. He kept saying “my unhappiness right now has absolutely nothing to do with us or this relationship. And I don’t want our relationship to fall apart just because I’m not in the bed headspace mentally. I hope you aren’t closing me out because I’ve been more distant lately” and of course I reassured him that I was there for him! And that it would take some time to get back on track but that we had a good plan. So two weeks later for him to say the complete opposite.: that he wanted the relationship to end… has just left me so confused. Can the original statements he said still be true? Can someone really go from “I don’t want to give up” to “I give up” without any major event happening in between. Ugh 😞  

[Batya33]

It didn’t make him do anything.  He chose it. My father went off meds in his 80s. Because at that point the side effects weren’t worth the benefits and he was showing signs of Alzheimer’s which is what he passed away from. Your partner is choosing to self help trest. My dads doctor said he could go off the meds. Did your SOs doctor tell him that ?

[Jennysalazar]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It didn’t make him do anything.  He chose it. My father went off meds in his 80s. Because at that point the side effects weren’t worth the benefits and he was showing signs of Alzheimer’s which is what he passed away from. Your partner is choosing to self help trest. My dads doctor said he could go off the meds. Did your SOs doctor tell him that ?

No his doctor definitely did not! I know I personally have a lot of patients who will start medications.. start to feel better.. and then feel more lax about taking them. Then obviously they realize their importance with they get recurrence of their original symptoms. This seems to be what happened with him. He felt good, was less consistent with taking them, and realized the importance of them once his symptoms started again. During our deep convo when he first told me, he did verbalize that he realized how silly it was of him to be inconsistent with the medication. He had only been on the medication for the last year and a half and hadn’t had this happen before so I think he did quickly realize the importance. And was seemingly motivated to get back on them, get back to therapy and be more on top of his mental health so that he could get back to being the old version of him. I’m just not sure why his desire for my involvement in his life changed so quickly after that conversation. 

[LootieTootie]

11 minutes ago, Jennysalazar said:

No his doctor definitely did not! I know I personally have a lot of patients who will start medications.. start to feel better.. and then feel more lax about taking them. Then obviously they realize their importance with they get recurrence of their original symptoms. This seems to be what happened with him. He felt good, was less consistent with taking them, and realized the importance of them once his symptoms started again. During our deep convo when he first told me, he did verbalize that he realized how silly it was of him to be inconsistent with the medication. He had only been on the medication for the last year and a half and hadn’t had this happen before so I think he did quickly realize the importance. And was seemingly motivated to get back on them, get back to therapy and be more on top of his mental health so that he could get back to being the old version of him. I’m just not sure why his desire for my involvement in his life changed so quickly after that conversation. 

Probably because as he said, he didnt have the mental and emotional capacity for you. He is taking care of himself on his own, unfortunately. You're probably asking yourself why he doesn't want your support after everything that's been said and done? People with depression know they can be a burden on others and/or they think others don't understand their pain and so they rather suffer/power thru alone.

I think you did the right thing. Give yourself space and give him space. Mental disorders are tricky. My husband has bipolar and he still gets mood swings once in a blue moon even tho he's on top of his medication and works out. I think chronic depression is totally different and theres really no cure to it except being consistent with your medication if you ever find the right doses. 

Again my heart goes out to you.

 

[Batya33]

It’s unfortunately going to be a who knows is my best guess. Might have been building over a long time. And he realized if he wasn’t ready to commit to forever he’d better bail sooner than later. I’m sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Jennysalazar said:

 so that he could get back to being the old version of him. I’m just not sure why his desire for my involvement in his life changed so quickly after that conversation. 

In fairness you've only known him about a year and there did seem to be quite accelerated future talk. Additionally you may not know the "old version" of him only what you observed in your time together.

You seem quite caring and concerned, however getting involved in his mental health care crosses boundaries and shifts the power dynamics.

Especially as a licensed healthcare provider, it's best to step back and let him take care of things privately with his own physician. It's tempting to help but it's something to resist doing.

If he volunteers information, simply be supportive. Using your medical background to help is where he ended it. As ironic as that sounds. This is where you shifted from a GF role to doctor role and that could have made him uncomfortable.

[Jennysalazar]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In fairness you've only known him about a year and there did seem to be quite accelerated future talk. Additionally you may not know the "old version" of him only what you observed in your time together.

You seem quite caring and concerned, however getting involved in his mental health care crosses boundaries and shifts the power dynamics.

Especially as a licensed healthcare provider, it's best to step back and let him take care of things privately with his own physician. It's tempting to help but it's something to resist doing.

If he volunteers information, simply be supportive. Using your medical background to help is where he ended it. As ironic as that sounds. This is where you shifted from a GF role to doctor role and that could have made him uncomfortable.

Yes I agree that I have to put my doctor mode to the side when dating someone. But just to be clear, when he came to me about this, I think any person without a medical background would agree with him when he says that he felt like his change was related to not being consistent with medications and therapy. This was something he volunteered and I supported him by saying that it was good to recognize and formulate a plan for moving forward. I didn’t diagnose him or patronize him about his decision to be inconsistent with his meds. I just listened and agreed with him in what his plan was to help himself. 

[Jennysalazar]

12 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Probably because as he said, he didnt have the mental and emotional capacity for you. He is taking care of himself on his own, unfortunately. You're probably asking yourself why he doesn't want your support after everything that's been said and done? People with depression know they can be a burden on others and/or they think others don't understand their pain and so they rather suffer/power thru alone.

I think you did the right thing. Give yourself space and give him space. Mental disorders are tricky. My husband has bipolar and he still gets mood swings once in a blue moon even tho he's on top of his medication and works out. I think chronic depression is totally different and theres really no cure to it except being consistent with your medication if you ever find the right doses. 

Again my heart goes out to you.

 

Thank you!