I need insight? Possible financial abuse? I am 25(F) and my bf is 33(M)

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

...He thinks cuz he pays for things, that should be enough to “prove he loves me”, and I’ve explained again so many times that that is not the way things should be. And that’s definitely not how it is for me. I only ever ask for love and affection and that seems to be too much to ask for 

Hi Vinvinzz, after reading all your posts I'm getting the underlying feeling of regret.  If I'm truly off base I'd love any and all feedback.

First Off: I get the pleasing people, trying to be a "good girl," not trying to be a B, always looking for the best in people.  Wanting so badly to trust.

Second Off: the following items can be taken two ways, active or passive:  he wore you down or you allowed him to wear you down, please just choose the version that meets the need to understand NOW and you can ruminate about the other one later.

IMHO you were browbeaten - not with physical force or threat of violence, but you were coerced into a relationship.  His technique is consistent - which he told you so himself when he said "always" and "all women" did the same thing.  Translation:  I am the common denominator, so the "always problem" must be me (the guy).

From the get-go you were against taking money but he pushed it on you while you ignored that deep down uneasy feeling. His chaotic noise crowded out your gut instinct and judgement.  And from the first time he threw the money back in your face you knew you betrayed yourself.  You feel awful and came here to share your awful predicament and get advice how to get out of this yucky situation.

I have been in some similar situations and was used for others' purposes.  The worst feeling was that I knew I allowed it to happen because I didn't listen to my inner voice, my gut, my instincts or whatever you want to call it... and basically let them take over.

Thank you for coming here and posting your story, it brought back many long ago memories of hopeless situations I got myself into by not being my own best friend.

Your interior values are solid and you can learn how to make and enforce boundaries to protect those values.  Relationship comes before money for you and always will.  That is a great value to have.  Now draw some boundaries around it.

You too can get out of this, and get away from this man.  He is bad news, hon.  I'll be in the bleachers cheering for you.

Hugs ((((((((  )))))))))

[itsallgrand]

Guys like this prey on girls and women when they are at vulnerable points in their life. He's the guy that swoops in at the woman at the bar who is blasted out of her wits and crying with no friends in sight, takes her home, and abuses her until it no longer suits him.

Run, run so far away. Your emotional, mental and physical safety are at risk.

Maybe there is some free councilling or resources at a women's center or clinic in your area? I'd look!

Gather your friends around you. And keep posting.

 

[Vinvinzz]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, THIS says a lot.. doesn't it?

He complains, yet he;s the cause.  Ummm  Yeah, if you're gonna just focus on the money aspect you risk losing the rest 😉 .

Well, at least you know what's more important. 

 

I appreciate all your input. It has been helpful and it is nice to know there are still some kind people in this world :’) 

[Vinvinzz]

1 hour ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hi Vinvinzz, after reading all your posts I'm getting the underlying feeling of regret.  If I'm truly off base I'd love any and all feedback.

First Off: I get the pleasing people, trying to be a "good girl," not trying to be a B, always looking for the best in people.  Wanting so badly to trust.

Second Off: the following items can be taken two ways, active or passive:  he wore you down or you allowed him to wear you down, please just choose the version that meets the need to understand NOW and you can ruminate about the other one later.

IMHO you were browbeaten - not with physical force or threat of violence, but you were coerced into a relationship.  His technique is consistent - which he told you so himself when he said "always" and "all women" did the same thing.  Translation:  I am the common denominator, so the "always problem" must be me (the guy).

From the get-go you were against taking money but he pushed it on you while you ignored that deep down uneasy feeling. His chaotic noise crowded out your gut instinct and judgement.  And from the first time he threw the money back in your face you knew you betrayed yourself.  You feel awful and came here to share your awful predicament and get advice how to get out of this yucky situation.

I have been in some similar situations and was used for others' purposes.  The worst feeling was that I knew I allowed it to happen because I didn't listen to my inner voice, my gut, my instincts or whatever you want to call it... and basically let them take over.

Thank you for coming here and posting your story, it brought back many long ago memories of hopeless situations I got myself into by not being my own best friend.

Your interior values are solid and you can learn how to make and enforce boundaries to protect those values.  Relationship comes before money for you and always will.  That is a great value to have.  Now draw some boundaries around it.

You too can get out of this, and get away from this man.  He is bad news, hon.  I'll be in the bleachers cheering for you.

Hugs ((((((((  )))))))))

You hit the nail on the head!! Especially more so since you’ve been in similar situations yourself. It is a horrible feeling, I had hopes this one would work out, but they all are “so great” in the beginning, and that’s the problem.. they are only that way in the beginning. This whole situation and seeing everyone’s feedback has lit an even bigger fire under me to be secure enough myself to never, ever feel I need to lean on someone else. I am working hard toward progressing myself in all aspects, and my career is at the top of that list as the cost of living is just insane these days, and I want to be able to be okay without any help from anyone. Money is not everything, and it’s sad this man thinks it’s above all. Even more important than loved ones in his opinion. I am sorry for your trials and tribulations, but sometimes we need them to truly become who we need to be 🙂

 

I appreciate your kind words. They resonate with me and made me teary eyed. It is so nice to see that there are still kind, good-hearted people in this world :’) ❤️

[Vinvinzz]

42 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Guys like this prey on girls and women when they are at vulnerable points in their life. He's the guy that swoops in at the woman at the bar who is blasted out of her wits and crying with no friends in sight, takes her home, and abuses her until it no longer suits him.

Run, run so far away. Your emotional, mental and physical safety are at risk.

Maybe there is some free councilling or resources at a women's center or clinic in your area? I'd look!

Gather your friends around you. And keep posting.

 

It is very much turning out to look like that is exactly what he did. It really does not take much to be a decent person and to make your partner feel special and loved WITHOUT money, and he can’t seem to even do that. Which is sad, no one should ever have to feel that they need to ASK for things that should be done simply because they want to because they care and love you..

I just know that I do not like the way I feel, and I know this isn’t right and this is not how a true, genuine and loving healthy relationship should be. 
 

I’ve looked into counseling and am seeing what my options are. Getting this all off my chest and having all this feedback has helped immensely 

[spinstermanquee]

16 minutes ago, Vinvinzz said:

I am sorry for your trials and tribulations, but sometimes we need them to truly become who we need to be 🙂

Spot on, one of my mantras!  Keep listening to that inner voice, that's what we are taught with each small step towards our independence, each time we claim our agency.  This is what we CRAVE especially when we grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong but didn't yet learn or didn't have models to learn how to protect / enforce it for ourselves (due to the be a nice girl, don't make waves messages).

[itsallgrand]

1 minute ago, Vinvinzz said:

It is very much turning out to look like that is exactly what he did. It really does not take much to be a decent person and to make your partner feel special and loved WITHOUT money, and he can’t seem to even do that. Which is sad, no one should ever have to feel that they need to ASK for things that should be done simply because they want to because they care and love you..

I just know that I do not like the way I feel, and I know this isn’t right and this is not how a true, genuine and loving healthy relationship should be. 
 

I’ve looked into counseling and am seeing what my options are. Getting this all off my chest and having all this feedback has helped immensely 

That's excellent that your gut is telling you what you need to know. It's not right. It's not how you would feel in a healthy relationship. Keep trusting that voice! 

[tattoobunnie]

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

And there is such a thing as compulsive liars.

No one needs to pay your bills; take a money management course, and live within your means.  Get a second job. 

Strangers don't offer to pay your bills; it doesn't matter how long he's been cyberstalking you. Now that he got your goods, he can bail at any moment.

Read about George Santos. 

[boltnrun]

On 8/8/2023 at 9:36 PM, Vinvinzz said:

He also made a comment of “well you could be a Twinkie tonight”

Sigh...

I feel for the men who post on this forum wondering why they can't find a woman to date when they're really decent guys, and then a guy says something like that and ends up getting the woman to fall in love with him. I just don't get it. 

What about him saying that to you made you think he's a decent guy who would treat you well?

I would guess everything he's told you about himself, his home, his "business" and his family are lies. Every single one of them. And he lays the guilt trips on you to shut you up.

I don't know why you would even want to live with and marry this guy or why you "care for" him so much because as you describe him, he's a liar and a rude, insensitive oaf. 

I hope you decide to get away from this guy permanently. Setup a repayment plan for the bills he paid for you and stick to it. Then consider therapy to determine why you are attracted to terrible men. You don't have to be, you know. You can meet and date decent men but only after you change your attraction to abusers and liars. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I feel for the men who post on this forum wondering why they can't find a woman to date when they're really decent guys, and then a guy says something like that and ends up getting the woman to fall in love with him. I just don't get it. 

 

I forgot to comment about that. First of all, who even discloses that much about herself on a first date for her date to know her birth control? Second of all, yes, creampie jokes on a first date are certanly a big red flag of what to expect.

Also, its not really hard to get why. OPs boyfriend is probably not some prime physical speciment since she doesnt even remember meeting him and he is maybe just some rando that followed her on Instagram. But he creeped his way into her life when she was vulnerable to console her, said few nice words to her, paid of her credit card and she instantly saw him as her "savior". It takes a special kind of sociopathic dedication(guy is socipathic liar for sure) to do that. Most decent guys dont get that character thread. Where they will sociopathically go around, "attack" at any price and promise whatever the other side wants to hear. Most decent guys wouldnt go that far. We have a saying here, "It isnt a pretty guy that gets laid, its a persistent one". And its true in lots of cases like this.