Am I having relationship anxiety or has he lost interest?

[Lillypoo]

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 months. I love him and he says he loves me. In my past I’ve had horrible relationships where they were abusive. This relationship has definitely not been like that, he has been kind, caring, thoughtful and generous.

At the start it was very easy and we were loved up. He used to text me cute pet names but he has stopped this recently. He doesn’t phone me as much as he used to either. But he is still making an effort with dates. He took me to a gig recently, he booked it even though he doesn’t like the band and hates concerts, he still went. He goes to see movies I want to see, he drives out to see me every weekend and he booked a weekend away at a lovely hotel and booked me in a massage. 
I do have a tendency to overthink everything and I do have an anxiety disorder so I’m trying to figure out if the relationship has changed or it just me. 
He used to bring up future plans with me but now that’s stopped. I asked him this but he just says he doesn’t want to put lots of pressure on us. I understand but I do need to feel it’s going somewhere. When we are out anywhere he never looks like he wants to be with me (again this could be me overthinking). He has never broke up with a girl before so I’m worried he’s not happy. I’ve asked him and he says he is, but I don’t want to keep asking.

When I’m upset about anything or stressed he always phones to make sure I’m ok. 

a little bit about him………… he has autism not high on the spectrum but he’s been diagnosed with it. he has a stressful job and he hates it so I know this gets to him so I’m not sure if 
Am I overthinking or is he losing interest? 

[Batya33]

What kind of future plans do you want him to bring up? What future plans do you bring up?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Lillypoo said:

 I overthinking or is he losing interest? 

He seems to be quite good to you, so yes get your anxiety under better control and don't push him away with too many questions about if he's happy, looking for reassurance and so on. 

Be understanding and give him a break if he's stressed out now and then. Do your best to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

[Lillypoo]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What kind of future plans do you want him to bring up? What future plans do you bring up?

I have brought up Christmas, new year, holiday ideas for next year and I’ve said to him I’d love to move in with him eventually. 

[Lillypoo]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems to be quite good to you, so yes get your anxiety under better control and don't push him away with too many questions about if he's happy, looking for reassurance and so on. Do your best to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

Thank you. Yes I think I need to work on my anxiety because I don’t want to push him away. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Lillypoo said:

I have brought up Christmas, new year, holiday ideas for next year and I’ve said to him I’d love to move in with him eventually. 

What would be the purpose of sharing living space? Does that mean a stronger emotional commitment or is it mostly financial/convenience? What are his views -general - on living together, marriage, long term commitment? Do you two feel similarly about the importance of these holidays? Why do you need to plan those days now? If I were him and not bringing up these thing I'd feel a bit overwhelmed by the emphasis on major holidays.

Why don't you travel to see him or meet halfway?  Also if you lived together have the two of you discussed location since you seem to live far apart?

[Lillypoo]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What would be the purpose of sharing living space? Does that mean a stronger emotional commitment or is it mostly financial/convenience? What are his views -general - on living together, marriage, long term commitment? Do you two feel similarly about the importance of these holidays? Why do you need to plan those days now? If I were him and not bringing up these thing I'd feel a bit overwhelmed by the emphasis on major holidays.

Why don't you travel to see him or meet halfway?  Also if you lived together have the two of you discussed location since you seem to live far apart?

It’s more for an emotional connection. He rents out his apartment occasionally for holidays let’s so I can’t always stay at his, he lives with his parents if he has people staying. 
I try to stay and travel to see him as much as possible, I organise dates that I think he would enjoy, I cook him his favourite meals when he comes over, I buy him little gifts, give him massages when he’s stressed out or just because. I do appreciate him and tell him often. 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, Lillypoo said:

He took me to a gig recently, he booked it even though he doesn’t like the band and hates concerts, he still went. He goes to see movies I want to see, he drives out to see me every weekend and he booked a weekend away at a lovely hotel and booked me in a massage. 

If you think this is "he lost interest" then yes, your anxiety disorder probably kicked in. Some people dont get that kind of treatment at the start of the relationship when they are madly "hot" for each other.

As for future plans, yes, you should be mentioning it as well. If you want to live together then maybe have a plan regarding that.

[Lillypoo]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you think this is "he lost interest" then yes, your anxiety disorder probably kicked in. Some people dont get that kind of treatment at the start of the relationship when they are madly "hot" for each other.

As for future plans, yes, you should be mentioning it as well. If you want to live together then maybe have a plan regarding that.

After typing it all out I realised it’s definitely my anxiety causing me issues. I focus too much on what he doesn’t do and instead of what he does do. I am getting too “in my head”. Think I need to work on my self esteem too. 
thank you

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you think this is "he lost interest" then yes, your anxiety disorder probably kicked in. Some people dont get that kind of treatment at the start of the relationship when they are madly "hot" for each other.

As for future plans, yes, you should be mentioning it as well. If you want to live together then maybe have a plan regarding that.

I agree and also talk to him about what his future intentions are.  In general - not just about living together but what that would mean to him, and also do you mean be closer emotionally because you share living space and have financial ties? Or do you mean more committed to eventual marriage? (I lived with my husband for about a month before we cancelled our wedding - because the wedding was approaching soon - and after we got back together we did not officially live together until we were married - I did not find that living together as opposed to spending lots of time together - made a difference in our commitment or emotional connection -taking marriage vows then becoming parents a few months later certainly did!).

You seem to have this blueprint of shoulds - that a couple "should" move in together, spend major holidays together, etc - but it's unclear what his intentions and "shoulds" are so you're looking for "clues" and "signs" that he wants to be with you.  IMO by 8 months together you shouldn't have all these questions.  So yes it could be your anxiety and you're right not to burden him with it -not to ask him repeatedly whether he is 'happy".  Decide on your internal time lines for how long until you want to know if he plans to move in with you, and why he would move in with you -and time lines for his committing to spending the winter holidays with you.

Good luck.

[rainbowsandroses]

45 minutes ago, Lillypoo said:

He used to bring up future plans with me but now that’s stopped. I asked him this but he just says he doesn’t want to put lots of pressure on us.

Translation:  He doesn't want to place pressure on himself. 

IOW, *He* is feeling pressure which if not checked will turn him off and push him away.

As such, my advice is IF you want to keep him around, back off on the future talk, let him breathe, live your life.

Allow him the time and space to move closer to you (emotionally) at his own pace. 

The pace differs for every man, some men take longer.  It took one of my brothers two years before he introduced his girlfriend (now wife) to us (his family) and another five years to marry her.  

Clearly he cares about you a lot, so learn to manage your anxiety, self-soothe and stop pushing, trying to force things.

That would be a recipe for disaster no matter how you slice and dice. 

 

[Lillypoo]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Translation:  He doesn't want to place pressure on himself. 

IOW, *He* is feeling pressure which if not checked will turn him off and push him away.

As such, my advice is IF you want to keep him around, back off on the future talk, let him breathe, live your life.

Allow him the time and space to move closer to you (emotionally) at his own pace. 

The pace differs for every man, some men take longer.  It took one of my brothers two years before he introduced his girlfriend (now wife) to us (his family) and another five years to marry her.  

Clearly he cares about you a lot, so learn to manage your anxiety, self-soothe and stop pushing, trying to force things.

That would be a recipe for disaster no matter how you slice and dice. 

 

Thanks for your reply. You are right I shouldn’t force things and just let it happen naturally. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Lillypoo said:

When we are out anywhere he never looks like he wants to be with me

What do you mean by this? 

[Andrina]

The honeymoon period always contains certain behavior on overdrive, which aren't meant to last once moving into the next stage. In his case, the amount of texts and calls lessened but he does still contact you. If the get-togethers lessened, that's when I'd be concerned but that hasn't happened. He seems like a good partner to me. What are you doing to work on your anxiety disorder? If nothing, and you're exhibiting this during dates, perhaps it's why he seems uncomfortable with you, and perhaps feels like you have him under a microscope.

[Batya33]

20 hours ago, Lillypoo said:

Thanks for your reply. You are right I shouldn’t force things and just let it happen naturally. 

I wouldn't force. Have your own internal timeline of how long you're willing to invest without being engaged with a wedding date or similarly committed.  You seem very commitment-focused.  When that time comes -whenever that is -then it's time not to force anything but simply tell him -with some advance warning -you're done with the status quo and plan to move on so you can find someone who wants what you want -with you.