I messed up my only friendship at university and I’m struggling to cope

[TA_OAO]

I [20M] started university just over a year ago, just now having finished my first year and having my long summer break. I’m on a course I really like and I’m learning so much about something I’ve been passionate about since I was a child. This then brings me to the major issue, my social life.

On the first day of University, I was really, really irritated, a mixture of anger and anxiety (anxigerty?) due to the place I had moved to all the way from home and being scared to interact with classmates and start university. Naturally, everyone avoided me, I did have a scowl on my face lol, all except one person who I’ll refer to as Cyrus. They needed one more person for the group work and despite my sour face, they asked me. From there we started talking and naturally became “friends”. We didn’t have a lot in common but we didn’t mind being near each other so it kind of just worked like that.

We progressed to messaging each other outside of class and we both had a very sweet and caring disposition towards one another, he would talk me through times were I was feeling down and try to help me with class work and I would all check in on him to see how he was sleeping, eating and feeling both in class and via text. Honestly, I hadn’t had a friend who took on that caring role like that before, usually, I’m that friend for others, so this really made Cyrus seem a little special in my eyes. We worked really well together, especially on one project in which the other two classmates in our project didn’t do much of any work, so it was just me and Cyrus.

But then it started to go south slowly over time. There are two other classmates, I’ll call them Scott and Luigi, who were a part of our group on the first day and from then on. These two are incredibly gifted in our subject, I think they’ve been doing it since secondary, so a good five years head start on practice vs others who are just starting in this field with this course (me included) and it shows in their work.

I was standing at the bus stop with Cyrus one day after lessons and he says to me “Is the reason you don’t like Scott and Luigi because they’re so much better at the subject than you?”. I was shocked and taken aback, I didn’t think I was genuinely showing dislike for either of them. The only times I think he could be referring to is when I would sometimes tease them by saying hi to one of them, but not the other, or if they asked to borrow a pen I might say something like “hmmm, I don’t know, I only give these to people I like…” in a very over the top, very light-hearted way but maybe it wasn’t light-hearted? What if I was subconsciously actually feeling this way and conveying it through jokes? And what’s worse, people like Cyrus can see it clearly and have labelled me as insecure?

People I’ve told this to seem to think Cyrus might be projecting his own insecurities about how well he’s performing in class but I don’t know. I’ve literally thought about that one interaction since it happened months ago.

Slowly over time it seemed like insecurities about my own work, friendships, and me as a person, started to get worse and it really did reflect on my interactions with them. It felt like they were afraid to be near me, to make me upset, which is an awful feeling to know that you’re burdensome to those around you. There would be ups and downs in how well I thought my friendship was progressing with Cyrus. One day I’d pluck up the courage and ask if he’d like to come over to my university house to play games or hang out (something I don’t do with friends) which he’d agree to, only for nothing to come from it. Or he’ll just randomly start gaming with Scott instead. Just little things like that over and over again and it made me feel so low. It’s not exactly like he’s making plans and then blowing me off, it’s just small things that make me feel so unimportant and unworthy.

So after months and months of this and feeling extremely low, I finally sent him some long paragraphs (which I now cringe at a little) basically explaining (more like whining) how I’ve felt over the past couple of months with examples. He then sends me back his own sets of paragraphs explaining that he thinks that I’m “a great person” but he doesn’t feel like himself around me and he doesn’t want to be friends, in fact, he never wanted to be friends outside of university because he doesn’t have time for that (girlfriend, travelling back home, studying). This message broke me. I was already feeling extremely low about myself and this message tore my heart in two, I felt so unlovable. I just broke down sobbing to myself and hyperventilating.

I don’t know how I’m going to face them all in September, let alone my own coursework. I’m studying during my summer because I enjoy learning new things and it would prove extremely useful for 2nd year, but even now it feels impossible, I can’t stop doubting my abilities and thinking about university and how I basically killed a friendship with my insecurities. The thought of them saying “oh poor OP, he’s going through something, I hope he gets better” whilst I sit away from them from a distance makes me feel sick. Like I’m something to pity whilst they can all just, be normal, get along with people normally.

I feel like, if I hadn’t interacted with them, or this situation didn’t happen, I could really thrive in this course. I love what I’m learning, I’m hard-working. But I don’t think ill be able to get them out of my mind. I’ll always be second-guessing myself, always thinking about what they’re thinking about what I’m doing or saying, even if I’m not sitting next to them. I know I can’t control what they think of me but I just don’t know how, I don’t want to limit myself. I just want to be confident and comfortable…

TDLR: My insecurities ruined my friendships and I don’t know how to undo awkwardness. How can I return to university feeling confident and comfortable in myself and my abilities.

[SooSad33]

I say you take it with a grain of salt. Meaning it was an experience and we live and we learn.

Okay, so that didn't work out too well.  You move on now.  With a new year and new possibilities.  

IF you are finding that your anxieties/ moods etc are getting the best of you, how about considering setting up some apt's with school counsellor?  Especially if you feel this is what's causing your behaviour towards others and inability to form proper, healthy friendships.

Also, maybe try increasing things like your Vitamin B? I understand they are a positive for making you more positive ex depression etc.  I take multi vitamins and B50.  I used to be on mood stablizers and I noted I was just toooo moody 😕 .  (after being on anxiety meds for 2 years +).  You can also look at getting out more, take walks, get some air.. expose yourself to others a little more.. Be more available, kind of thing?

Meanwhile, carry on with your studies.  Focus on your interests and try to 🙂 a little more? lol

[Wiseman2]

Do you go away to university or do you commute? It's ok to feel homesick your first year. If you go away to university see what the dormatory and off campus housing is like.

What you can do is check the university website and look for activities you can participate in.

For example, join some groups and clubs that reflect your interests.

Get involved with sports and fitness. Volunteer on some committees and extracurricular activities. See if there are part-time jobs in the library or tutoring, if you are good in a particular area.

Sign up for extra classes and courses besides your major and requisites that are fun, maybe a language or arts. Look into academic fraternities and study groups 

The key is to make friends and build camaraderie through social groups. This way you have more than just a couple of friends and you're more likely to meet like-minded people.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Stop dating

 

Build yourself up and fix your issues 

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry this happened with Cyrus and I agree it's very disappointing. It sucks when you liked someone and thought they were your friend, but they don't feel the same.

It doesn't sound from your post like you actually did anything wrong. I think what Cyrus meant when he said that "he's not himself around you" is just that there's no click or connection. Well, at least he's not feeling it. Unfortunately this is actually quite common in life. Not just at university, but in general. You're not going to click with all the people you meet and not everyone will with you. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you but that person just doesn't feel that you're connecting. Usually people just don't say anything and just slow fade you. But I guess Cyrus wanted to be honest and tell you how he really feels.

It's understandable you're hurt but I think you were "putting all your eggs in one basket". I'm sure there are many students in your course at university. Also many other students on campus that you can meet through different clubs or activities you can join at university. Cyrus isn't the only person there that you could be friends with. Also there are still many other people even outside of your university you could make friends with.

When I was finishing my university course, I was actually older because I took many years' break from it. I was about 27 - 28 years old and most people in my classes were your age. They preferred being friends with younger people so I didn't really have friends in my actual course. Well, maybe a few people but not close friends. I actually joined some activity clubs at university and joined a "mature age students" club. I met quite a few good friends through that. I'm actually still friends with some of them 10 + years later. I also did a lot of things outside of university and had many other friends. So it didn't bother me that I didn't have friends in my course, I was just there to do my work.

Also I'm not saying this to discourage you from making friends at university. But once you finish the course, you're out of there. You might make some long lasting friends but you also might lose touch with most of them. I did two community college courses and one university degree. I used to hang out with all these people while in the course but after it finished, we just drifted apart. I think that's actually pretty normal. Same with all the jobs I had. I'd hang out with people at work, then if I left the job I lost touch with most of them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't put so much pressure on yourself to have friends at university. There are also many other places to make friends. You will also make friends as you go along in life. E.g. at work, through other people, through parties. Some of those people will stay in your life and some won't. I'm a very outgoing person and I just live my life but I don't put pressure on myself to make friends. Basically all my friends I made by accident but I wasn't really looking. 

[TA_OAO]

@Tinydance
Thank you so much for the lovely reply, you don't know how much I needed to hear it...

I don't know exactly how i'm going to survive September just yet, but I think I need to push university out of my mind and actually focus on being more self compassionate to myself and my emotions. I'm going through a lot right now and that's okay.

[TA_OAO]

On 7/25/2023 at 1:37 AM, shouldhavelearned said:

Stop dating

 

Build yourself up and fix your issues 

@ shouldhavelearned I didn't mention dating once in my post...

[boltnrun]

One thing I regret is when I was in college I didn't take advantage of all the groups, events and activities the college had to offer. I limited myself to a small group of friends (and a boyfriend in my second year). I feel I missed out on so much.

I recommend you look into clubs, activities, events and groups you can get involved in. Surely there are other people who share your interests besides these three. If you get involved with others you will soon find you don't even miss these people.

And just so you know, I had a completely different friend group the second year. I seldom saw any of my friends from the first year. And it was fine, although again I regret not getting more involved with clubs and activities. If I could go back in time that's what I would do.

[catfeeder]

You may want to rethink trying to avoid Cyrus and the other two next term, because nobody said that they consider you an enemy. I’d gather from Cyrus’ question that they viewed you as being hostile toward them, not the other way around. And that made Cyrus uncomfortable with you as well.

Well, that IS in your power to correct. I would greet each of them warmly when you see them. I’d find an appropriate time to ask each of them, either separately or together, for a quick word. Then tell them that you realize you behaved badly last year and you are sorry for that. Let them respond with no interruption, then just thank them for hearing you out.

This doesn’t mean they will want to be friends with you, but it can reset the climate to a new start. From there you can respectfully keep some distance from them without it feeling hostile or judgmental.

Everybody has some cringeworthy experiences they look back on and wish they could have handled better. Well, you have the opportunity to make your next term better than you are imagining now. You’ll just need to step up to do that.

Head high.

 

[TA_OAO]

18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

One thing I regret is when I was in college I didn't take advantage of all the groups, events and activities the college had to offer. I limited myself to a small group of friends (and a boyfriend in my second year). I feel I missed out on so much.

I recommend you look into clubs, activities, events and groups you can get involved in. Surely there are other people who share your interests besides these three. If you get involved with others you will soon find you don't even miss these people.

And just so you know, I had a completely different friend group the second year. I seldom saw any of my friends from the first year. And it was fine, although again I regret not getting more involved with clubs and activities. If I could go back in time that's what I would do.

@catfeeder I think that makes a lot of sense, thank you! My university does have a lot of societies, so I think i'll make it a priority in my second year to join as many of the ones that interest me as I can, even if only a little, and see which ones stick.

[TA_OAO]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You may want to rethink trying to avoid Cyrus and the other two next term, because nobody said that they consider you an enemy. I’d gather from Cyrus’ question that they viewed you as being hostile toward them, not the other way around. And that made Cyrus uncomfortable with you as well.

Oh this is almost certainly the case. I was definitely the major problem, but I also don't think they hate me or anything, they just don't feel comfortable around me, which makes me just want to avoid them because I can't STAND feeling like a burden or actively making people uncomfortable with my presence. 

 

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Well, that IS in your power to correct. I would greet each of them warmly when you see them. I’d find an appropriate time to ask each of them, either separately or together, for a quick word. Then tell them that you realize you behaved badly last year and you are sorry for that. Let them respond with no interruption, then just thank them for hearing you out.

It's so hard to explain my thinking, but I feel like this only adds more burden? I know they're going to respond with "It's okay, no need to apologize, no hard feeling" because they're nice/passive people who don't really care about me. Not in a mean way, they just don't know me enough to care, at least for Scott and Luigi.

I can really see him sitting next to me on the first day back out of kindness, but I'm thinking about just saying to Cyrus "Hey, sorry I had you feel so uncomfortable last year. I want you feel like yourself at university and I want you to thrive on this course, whether that's with me around you or not.", just to give him the option to sit and interact with others excluding me, whilst letting him know there are no hard feelings.

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Everybody has some cringeworthy experiences they look back on and wish they could have handled better. Well, you have the opportunity to make your next term better than you are imagining now. You’ll just need to step up to do that.

Aha, that's true. Thank you so much for your comment, it's given me a lot to think about, and i'm thinking what would be the best way to return for me that I can feel comfortable doing, though I know i'll have to be a little brave. @boltnrun

[catfeeder]

I get the impulse to avoid, but if the problem is perceived hostility from you, that only amplifies the problem. So be kind. You can still keep some distance after that, but show them that you get it and don’t hate them. This will help ALL.

[boltnrun]

I ran into my former friends occasionally and I just smiled, waved and said hello. No big deal. 

[TA_OAO]

I just realised I mixed up the comments! so sorry aha

[Jaunty]

I think you put too much emotional investment in this friendship.  If you try to avoid these people you will carry on with the awkward imbalance.  Try to be friendly and keep things light.   I'm pretty sure you will interact with them more going forward since you're all in the same course, so making an effort to ease things will be helpful for you.

[TA_OAO]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I think you put too much emotional investment in this friendship.

Yes and no... I understand from a third party perspective it seems very strange that i've been thinking about this for months and this intensely, but at the time my home situation was very brutal so having someone like Cyrus around me really helped. And I might have developed a small crush on them... which is probably why it feels like a heavier rejection. It might be illogical but that's how I feel.

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If you try to avoid these people you will carry on with the awkward imbalance.  Try to be friendly and keep things light.   I'm pretty sure you will interact with them more going forward since you're all in the same course, so making an effort to ease things will be helpful for you.

I think you're right. I think I'll try to at least have a small talk with the other two to hash out any awkwardness/hostility I might have presented last year. I honestly just want to get on with my work, I can't believe I let my "social life" get in the way of my academics.
 

@Jaunty

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TA_OAO said:

Yes and no... I understand from a third party perspective it seems very strange that i've been thinking about this for months and this intensely, but at the time my home situation was very brutal so having someone like Cyrus around me really helped. And I might have developed a small crush on them... which is probably why it feels like a heavier rejection. It might be illogical but that's how I feel.

I think you're right. I think I'll try to at least have a small talk with the other two to hash out any awkwardness/hostility I might have presented last year. I honestly just want to get on with my work, I can't believe I let my "social life" get in the way of my academics.
 

@Jaunty

Feelings are feelings -neither logical or illogical -they just -are  -you choose the reaction (with rare exception like if it's a reflex to a feeling of danger/fear etc).  If you have strong romantic feelings for a friend it's hard to continue a close platonic friendship.  Sometimes the two people decide to be a romantic couple and that's fine -if it's one sided often the person with feelings should distance himself if he cannot handle being "just friends"

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

I can really see him sitting next to me on the first day back out of kindness, but I'm thinking about just saying to Cyrus "Hey, sorry I had you feel so uncomfortable last year. I want you feel like yourself at university and I want you to thrive on this course, whether that's with me around you or not.", just to give him the option to sit and interact with others excluding me, whilst letting him know there are no hard feelings.

How about not going into an emotionally packed discussion about the past and just have a lighthearted mindset of being happy for good company? Fake it until you make it. Show you're happy he's your buddy. Talk about your plans for the year. Ask what he's been doing for fun. Try to have a more welcoming expression on your face, as who wants to approach someone who looks like he'll bite their heads off? You need to read up on building your self esteem to get it out of your mind that people are only being nice because of pity. And, or, seek therapy.

I'm sorry for your brutal home life, but now you're an adult and you're going to have to work on building the life you want despite your past. And don't ever have all your eggs in one basket, such as only having one or two friends, because friendships often evolve. Some do grow and last a lifetime, but in other instances, they can lessen or end. 

Yes, it's a good plan to join some groups. In college, I was in the ski club. Besides fun skip trips, we also had a few fun parties. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

Think of the place as your job and the people as your colleagues. This is not a therapeutic environment.

Part of your studies IS learning the soft skills to work well with others in a professional setting, and it will weigh heavily in your future evaluations for job retention, project placement and promotions.

So do what it takes to cultivate a climate of cooperation and collaboration and joy in your work.

Your tuition already covers counseling, and if you’re smart, you’ll take advantage of the services to help you navigate and lose the chip on your shoulder that comes out sideways inappropriately on your colleagues.

You don’t project private stuff onto the people you work with or the consequences you suffer will be far worse than the mild dislike you’re experiencing now. You have a chance to reverse this in your favor. Don’t invent reasons for choosing not to do so.

[TA_OAO]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Think of the place as your job and the people as your colleagues. This is not a therapeutic environment.

This is exact mindset I want to have going forward on this course, thank you. I get that i'm meant to be friendly towards them still but it's really hard to interact with someone with "remember, you are not actual friends" at the back of your mind. It's like being friendly but not too friendly since you still have to act professional and guarded but not too much that it comes across as cold or hostile. I know this might be annoying to read from a third party perspective but everything just hurts and is really confusing for me. I feely genuinely heartbroken but I have to get over it and it feels so difficult.

 

Oh one more thing I just want to say; I'm not usually like this ! I'm usually very easy to get a long with, this feels like such an anomaly, but I suppose we all end up having this awkward-cringe phrase with someone in our lives.

 

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You have a chance to reverse this in your favor. Don’t invent reasons for choosing not to do so.

Do you mean by doing that small apology talk I was recommended before, and then just act like I'm with work colleagues? Or another thing, sorry?
@catfeeder

[TA_OAO]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

How about not going into an emotionally packed discussion about the past and just have a lighthearted mindset of being happy for good company? Fake it until you make it. Show you're happy he's your buddy. Talk about your plans for the year. Ask what he's been doing for fun. Try to have a more welcoming expression on your face, as who wants to approach someone who looks like he'll bite their heads off? You need to read up on building your self esteem to get it out of your mind that people are only being nice because of pity. And, or, seek therapy.

I'm sorry for your brutal home life, but now you're an adult and you're going to have to work on building the life you want despite your past. And don't ever have all your eggs in one basket, such as only having one or two friends, because friendships often evolve. Some do grow and last a lifetime, but in other instances, they can lessen or end. 

Yes, it's a good plan to join some groups. In college, I was in the ski club. Besides fun skip trips, we also had a few fun parties. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't really see the point in trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be actual friends? I feel like that only serves to hurt me, like the past couples of months slowly has. Also I don't think people are only nice to me out of pity, and I do actually already have a therapist but we're currently doing childhood trauma work. Thank you for the advice on the clubs though.

@Andrina

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, TA_OAO said:

This is exact mindset I want to have going forward on this course, thank you. I get that i'm meant to be friendly towards them still but it's really hard to interact with someone with "remember, you are not actual friends" at the back of your mind. It's like being friendly but not too friendly since you still have to act professional and guarded but not too much that it comes across as cold or hostile. I know this might be annoying to read from a third party perspective but everything just hurts and is really confusing for me. I feely genuinely heartbroken but I have to get over it and it feels so difficult.

In professional situations, there's nothing hurtful or abnormal about colleagues being kind to one another and even enjoying one another despite not becoming personal friends. It's the norm.

Colleagues who form private, intimate relationships with coworkers are an exception. In some places this is less rare than others, but nobody has a right to expect intimacy--from anyone--in a professional setting.

While you are the one who turned this into an emotional landmine for yourself, the good news is, whenever we take full responsibility for what we do, we also own the power to change the course of our behavior--along with our perceptions, which were the cause of it.

You've targeted your colleagues as objects upon which to project your feelings. But just as they had no ownership of your inappropriate behavior, they also own no responsibility for helping you to change your own perceptions about it.

That's an inside job, and it's YOUR job.

So because this is a learning environment, counselors who are trained in this stuff are available for you to consult. You've paid their fees already, so it only makes sense to take your emotional stuff to the appropriate place and do the appropriate work there. Thousands of students do this every day. It's available because it's anticipated that you will use it.

Don't confuse the people who you've mistreated as people who can make you feel better. You are capable of changing this situation into an appropriate work environment with colleagues who owe you nothing more than professional cooperation. And, you are capable of working through your emotional stuff with a trained counselor, who you've already paid, and who can teach you the skills and techniques to adjust your perceptions, reconcile your internal stuff and navigate externally without misappropriating your emotions in the wrong place. Which, as you've learned, can happen when you least expect it.

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Oh one more thing I just want to say; I'm not usually like this ! I'm usually very easy to get a long with, this feels like such an anomaly,

All the more reason to take the help. What seems like such a large and unexpected occurrence to you is something these counselors have seen with students every day for years, and they've also dealt with a lot worse. He or she can also help you view this issue through a lens that you can right-size and manage. Then it won't loom so large. You'll build confidence in your self control instead of making it a crap shoot.

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Do you mean by doing that small apology talk I was recommended before, and then just act like I'm with work colleagues? Or another thing, sorry?
@catfeeder

Those are places to start, but you are claiming that this is painful for you. That's because you are viewing this through an emotional lens that is unique to you, while others don't see it that way. They don't hold the same emotional charge about it. That's why it's not such a big deal to them and they are not invested in the outcome. They mean you no harm AND they are not appropriate scapegoats for your pain.

So take this pain to the right place so you can learn how to minimize it, manage it and prevent it from coming out sideways on others again. You may even want to call your school early to arrange for phone sessions prior to your return, if available.

Head high, you can do this.

[TA_OAO]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

While you are the one who turned this into an emotional landmine for yourself, the good news is, whenever we take full responsibility for what we do, we also own the power to change the course of our behavior--along with our perceptions, which were the cause of it.

@catfeeder
Ohh, sorry there might have been some miscommunication in my original post, or rather it was poorly explained. I wasn't the original person becoming personable or emotional at the start, it was Cyrus. I was actually quite closed off, but he did insist in wanting to talk more and tell him about deeper stuff which I did find odd at the time, but I thought it was just heading in the direction of a friendship. So we both naturally acted like, well, friends.

That's why it was so odd that he all of a sudden didn't seem comfortable with being "actual friends". I'm usually fine just having the work colleague thing, but doing the whole friendship dance and then walking it back just felt so odd? I spoke to someone about the entire situation today and they also found it bizarre.

 

Also I just want to say thank you to every you wrote to me in this thread, it gave me a lot to think about and I have a greater idea of what I want to do now 💚

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

Oh one more thing I just want to say; I'm not usually like this ! I'm usually very easy to get a long with

Are you sure?  In your original post, you described yourself this way:

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On the first day of University, I was really, really irritated, a mixture of anger and anxiety (anxigerty?) due to the place I had moved to all the way from home and being scared to interact with classmates and start university. Naturally, everyone avoided me, I did have a scowl on my face

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

I don't really see the point in trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be actual friends? I feel like that only serves to hurt me, like the past couples of months slowly has. Also I don't think people are only nice to me out of pity, and I do actually already have a therapist but we're currently doing childhood trauma work. Thank you for the advice on the clubs though.

@Andrina

That’s great that you’re working on the trauma stuff. I’d suggest still working with a campus counselor on the social stuff. Consider it part of your job training. Do some research on how companies view soft skills as increasingly important, and often even more so than technical skills.

Plus, the tools and techniques you can learn can be applied immediately in your classroom environment as well as with clubs and activities. The goal is to become well rounded and more confident in your social skills.

Think of your therapist as psychology and your school counselor as sociology. The combo plate is fantastic.