More post ‘great’ first date woes

[MrMan1983]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

What are your intentions through dating? Are you pursuing a serious relationship or casual flings? Because depending on what you want, you should approach the right persons, I mean by that, I wouldn't date a 25 years old guy if I want something serious but no kids...

I'm looking for a long term relationship without the expectation of kids, however if I met the right person and it felt right I would certainly consider children one day. My usual age range is late 20s to 40 though, but wouldn't really date older.

[bluecastle]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't personally consider this a situation of being "ghosted," and feel the hair-trigger to use that word isn't (to momentarily mount a soapbox) helping anyone navigate all this.  

Granted it was a few moons ago, but I remember dating before smartphones and the culture of instant connection. You'd meet someone at a party, a bar, a wherever, and end up going out for drinks. A nice time was had. "Would be fun to do this again," someone said, maybe face to face, maybe into an answering machine. And, alas, that was often the last exchange. A sour little pinch, no doubt, but not something that got labeled or was heavily dissected. It's what dating was.

And it's what dating still is, except we're all now more accustomed to immediate replies on tiny screens—and dating apps, by their very nature, can create far loftier sets of expectations than those casual run-ins-turned-first-dates at bars, parties, wherever. Stir in a culture where now every aspect of human behavior gets christened with some kind of negate diagnostic—ghosting, narcissism, gaslighting, and so on—and we're all pretty wound-up, eyes on a swivel, less able to embrace the murky gray area that has always been, and remains, dating. 

I had experiences just like this while dating, plenty. I also had experiences like you had with the Brazilian, where I got some kind of note ("I'm sorry—I realized I'm just not in a spot to date" etc.). I've also sent that note, and I've also faded out. To me they were kind of the same thing: disappointing, sure, but par for the course. Similarly, per this notion...

44 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I would entertain leaving it a week though and perhaps trying to touch base just once more if I still feel like it at the time

...I occasionally circled back around to someone who went cold, or had someone do the same to me, and sometimes that led to nothing, and other times it led to some fun. Again, very little thought went into this on my end. No response? Great. Response? Great. 

Just sharing all that in the hopes of encouraging you to see all this as...well, not so dire. 

[catfeeder]

I agree with @Wiseman2 to take booze out of the equation. I’m embarrassed to admit that in my younger years I’d have friends fix me up with blind dates who I could tell within the first drink was not a good match. But there wasn’t the common practice of ‘quick meets’ over coffee back then like we have today. So when he ordered another drink and another, I’d just throw down and have a great time. I saw it as enjoying one another for the moment, but it didn’t mean I wanted a second date.

I’d skip turning quick meets into full dates, much less into drinking marathons. You can go to any bar and find someone who will hit it off with you while you’re buying them drinks, but that doesn’t usually translate into a reciprocal relationship.

Full dates are an expensive time waster without screening for attraction first. That’s why most app users are familiar with the quick meet concept to check one another out. Schedule these at a coffee place on your way home from work, and if you get stood up just take your coffee with you and nothing is lost.

Neither person tries to set up a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterwards. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. So there are no squirmy rejections.

Lots of people schedule a few of these a week but actually date from them rarely—because most people are NOT our match! That’s just natural odds, true for most people.

 The goal is to stumble across someone with the right lens to appreciate your unique value. Just because most people won’t see it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. It’s a combo plate of a numbers thing plus patience and resilience and tenacity. But old fashioned full dates are reserved for those who are attracted and curious, not for those who will be a drinking buddy for one evening.

Head high, and trust that the right person for you will recognize you sober.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Appreciate your honesty there Sindy, and good to get a perspective from an ex Ghoster 😛 Nice one for changing your approach as most mature men (that seem stable enough on the date) can take it and do appreciate the honesty instead of waiting around for days to realise 'yep, not going to hear back am I 😐 '. It's also interesting to know that guys did reach out that way after because I have been tempted in the past to just say something along the lines of I'm an adult, I can take it but let me know (but in different words). 

I would avoid contacting her and potentially annoying her, etc - having it escalate - your lecture won't change things.  I took silence as lack of interest.  I always preferred silence to "you're so amazing but..." My opinion here is since she encouraged you with her text to ask her out she's being rude not responding.  But I'd just leave it- 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

oh.. look at this... here you are... just hiding... 🤣

Please give us some update about Dr Lady, we miss both of you... 🙏

Suuuuuuureee you dooo…. 😂🤣

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My opinion here is since she encouraged you with her text to ask her out she's being rude not responding.  But I'd just leave it- 

That's exactly what I meant in my post. Why leaving it too that? People have no education anymore. its just common sense to reply to someone asking you a question, it doesn't take much. When you are working and a coworker or a client asks you a question, you answer, you are polite and educated. or even when someone in the street askes for direction, you respond, you don't ignore because you are not interested... Why couldn't it not be the same in the dating world? I'm not leading a fight again people who ghost, but frankly if everyone leaves it to that, they just won't change ever... My experience: I've changed because someone actually called me out and I don't ghost anymore because its not the culture I rely to...

As MJ always said:  "heal the world, make it a better place..." 😆

Almost forgot: this is for @Whirling D "I just can't stop loving you.." (also MJ) 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

That's exactly what I meant in my post. Why leaving it too that? People have no education anymore. its just common sense to reply to someone asking you a question, it doesn't take much. When you are working and a coworker or a client asks you a question, you answer, you are polite and educated. or even when someone in the street askes for direction, you respond, you don't ignore because you are not interested... Why couldn't it not be the same in the dating world? I'm not leading a fight again people who ghost, but frankly if everyone leaves it to that, they just won't change ever... My experience: I've changed because someone actually called me out and I don't ghost anymore because its not the culture I rely to...

As MJ always said:  "heal the world, make it a better place..." 😆

I don't think the person who is the near stranger can make any impact on another near stranger by texting something lecture-y. And can result in harassing or worse on the other side since he doesn't know her well.

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think the person who is the near stranger can make any impact on another near stranger by texting something lecture-y. And can result in harassing or worse on the other side since he doesn't know her well.

Why is it harassing or making any impact to just expect a reply... You call out once or ask once again for reply, If no reply or negative one, you disappear, I don't see the harassment at all...

I think I'm harassing Whirling too 🤭

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why is it harassing or making any impact to just expect a reply... You call out once or ask once again for reply, If no reply or negative one, you disappear, I don't see the harassment at all...

I think I'm harassing Whirling too 🤭

I would not text again especially if it expressed in typing any frustration.  Especially not with typing.  Certainly fine to double text "I haven't heard from you yet..."

[MrMan1983]

57 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not text again especially if it expressed in typing any frustration.  Especially not with typing.  Certainly fine to double text "I haven't heard from you yet..."

Oh don't worry I wouldn't of sent anything harassy, lecturey or frustrated, not my style. Would of been more along the lines of what you said but a light hearted follow up then leave it at that if there's still no response. I probably won't even bother by then.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Oh don't worry I wouldn't have sent anything harassy, lecturey or frustrated, not my style. Would have been more along the lines of what you said but a light hearted follow up then leave it at that if there's still no response. I probably won't even bother by then.

 Sure - no issue in following up again. Purely individual choice. 

[MrMan1983]

So today out of nowhere finally get a response (over a week later), she apologised for taking so long to respond saying she had been busy with birthdays, planning things etc etc and suggested doing something locally again soon. Guessing whatever else she had going on didn’t work out 😂 I’m certainly in no rush to respond. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MrMan1983 said:

I'm certainly in no rush to respond. 

Great you heard from her. It's ok that it took a while because let's face it, after one date you're both still talking to and meeting others. You're no longer interested?

[MrMan1983]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great you heard from her. It's ok that it took a while because let's face it, after one date you're both still talking to and meeting others. You're no longer interested?

Yep good point. I suppose I had wrongly assumed that I would never hear from her again after a while. I am still interested though, so would meet again. 

[Sindy_0311]

I’m going to share my point of view and how I usually interact with men based on my interest level.  

If I have a good first meet, that I really like the guy physically and intellectually. if he texts me the following day or asks me out again, there is NO chance that I wait one week to respond to him. Even if I’m busy… 

Now if a have another good first meet with a guy but that I sense that I’m not really attracted to him or if I’m not sure about seeing him again, yeah, I would probably wait one week before responding.

As Wiseman said, you are still talking to other people after one date… so her lack of availability gave you bunch of time to meet other girls… I would rather have the guy I like go on a second date as soon as possible than giving him plenty of time to meet someone more interesting than me…  again, just my point of view… 

57 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

suggested doing something locally again soon

No real plan... this is a very abstract response and not really engaged... 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If I have a good first meet, that I really like the guy physically and intellectually. if he texts me the following day or asks me out again, there is NO chance that I wait one week to respond to him. Even if I’m busy

Exactly. 

I wouldn't bother with her, OP. Her interest level isn't that high. 

[MrMan1983]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Now if a have another good first meet with a guy but that I sense that I’m not really attracted to him or if I’m not sure about seeing him again, yeah, I would probably wait one week before responding.

Yes this has been my assumption too, but wouldn't hurt to meet again just in case anything develops.

 

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No real plan... this is a very abstract response and not really engaged... 

She actually suggested another drink in my local town to chat more and go for a games night again somewhere (basically same plans as last time), I'll obviously avoid the us getting drunk situation this time. I just kept it simpler on my message above when describing it.

Staying local is less commitment than traveling to the city I mentioned for my comedy night idea, fair enough I guess if she's unsure of her interest levels.

[MrMan1983]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I’m going to share my point of view and how I usually interact with men based on my interest level.  

If I have a good first meet, that I really like the guy physically and intellectually. if he texts me the following day or asks me out again, there is NO chance that I wait one week to respond to him. Even if I’m busy… 

Now if a have another good first meet with a guy but that I sense that I’m not really attracted to him or if I’m not sure about seeing him again, yeah, I would probably wait one week before responding.

As Wiseman said, you are still talking to other people after one date… so her lack of availability gave you bunch of time to meet other girls… I would rather have the guy I like go on a second date as soon as possible than giving him plenty of time to meet someone more interesting than me…  again, just my point of view… 

No real plan... this is a very abstract response and not really engaged... 

Out of curiosity have you ever circled back to any that you weren't that initially interested in, or lost out/came 2nd to another guy in your dating roster at the time to go back and it leading to anything? Or usually dead in the water with a second 'semi interested' date? Personally whenever I have gone back to someone I questioned myself about or thought 'I should of given her more of a chance' it still hasn't clicked.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

. Staying local is less commitment than traveling to the city I mentioned for my comedy night idea, fair enough I guess if she's unsure of her interest levels.

That's true. Sometimes the date idea itself is off-putting such as the comedy club in a different city. It's best to keep it simple, local and low alcohol. 

Someone you met one time is simply not a "priority" in your or their lives. So life goes on. For some reason there's a trend to think there's a specific formula to calculate "interest level" from texting and text reply intervals.

She's reaching out so if you're still interested, set up a date and have fun. That's the best way to see if you're still interested and want to go out again. 

[MrMan1983]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's true. Sometimes the date idea itself is off-putting such as the comedy club in a different city. It's best to keep it simple, local and low alcohol. 

Someone you met one time is simply not a "priority" in your or their lives. So life goes on.  She's reaching out so if you're still interested, set up a date and have fun. 

Yep will do, I'll try and see it as just a nice evening with good company if anything - he says before he's back on here discussing flighty young women behaviour 😉 

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Out of curiosity have you ever circled back to any that you weren't that initially interested in, or lost out/came 2nd to another guy in your dating roster at the time to go back and it leading to anything? Or usually dead in the water with a second 'semi interested' date? Personally whenever I have gone back to someone I questioned myself about or thought 'I should of given her more of a chance' it still hasn't clicked.

It's funny because I actually have a guy asking me out for one week. We met a first time. the date was ok, but he is not really my type... he is to skinny haha. he is very interesting tough. He texted me again this morning and I don't know what to tell him. there is a part of me wanting to see him again because he's great and another part of me thinking that its a loss of time... 

To answer your question, It never clicked with guys I had doubts about on a first date... even after seeing them two or three times...For me, it's either there in the first minutes, or it's not and will never be. (only speaking about OLD)

[MrMan1983]

On 7/27/2023 at 3:12 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

A guy I'm currently dating, I didn't really like him on our first date. Physically he was my type but with overweight, and his stare was strange, he has this severe look sometimes but then I understood that it's just how his face looks when its relaxed. LOL.

It's only on our 4th date that I started to view him as real potential and started to like him

@Sindy_0311 Are you sure? 😉 Jokes aside what happened with this guy in the end, did he end up proving your current point in the end or still dating?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It's funny because I actually have a guy asking me out for one week. We met a first time. the date was ok, but he is not really my type... he is to skinny haha. he is very interesting tough. He texted me again this morning and I don't know what to tell him. there is a part of me wanting to see him again because he's great and another part of me thinking that its a loss of time... 

To answer your question, It never clicked with guys I had doubts about on a first date... even after seeing them two or three times...For me, it's either there in the first minutes, or it's not and will never be. (only speaking about OLD)

I gave it up to 4 dates but only if I was on the fence about chemistry- if by date 4 I didn't desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him then I was done.  Funny story about skinny -I had a first meet many years ago with a former child actor.  

He was very intense (obsessed?) with body fat percentage. I was slim back then -not emaciated/skinny though- he wanted his own body fat /BMI to be as low as possible (mine was normal - it was checked annually at my physical -so I knew).  He was attractive looking and  very skinny and I didn't find that attractive.  We met for coffee at a cafe and on purpose I ordered one biscotti -and offered him some -just to see the look of horror on his face as far as consuming extra calories LOL. 

I didn't go for very tall or very skinny and given my past struggles with too much dieting I dated no one who would ever judge me or try to control what/how much I ate.  

By contrast after a year of being friendly with an extremely obese man -who I met through his brother -my friend and former colleague - I found myself suddenly and wildly attracted to him.  (I'd never been attracted to someone that overweight in the past) But I don't know if that would have happened if we'd met for a first meet -sometimes it can "hit" you especially when there's no pressure maybe to make a decision?

OP - I think if you sort of have nothing better to do one more chance with this woman isn't the worst idea.  I get annoyed with flakes in the meeting friends arena - the busy excuses -so if I want to give it another chance I make it easier/more convenient for me and have those kinds of conditions so I don't feel like I wasted even more time.

[MrMan1983]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

he is to skinny haha. he is very interesting tough. He texted me again this morning and I don't know what to tell him.

"Sorry mate, we got on well but you need to pump some iron then come back in a few months time." 😂 Jokes, don't send that.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

"Sorry mate, we got on well but you need to pump some iron then come back in a few months time." 😂 Jokes, don't send that.

In 1993 a man I met through a personal ad asked me if his mom could take me for a makeover as I'd look better with more makeup.  I was dumb enough to see him again - he asked me out again- blinded by his handsomeness.  What a jerk. No I didn't take him up on his offer, yes my own mother suggested "a little lipstick wouldn't hurt but ---- do you really want her for a mother in law??"