What’s next?

[Whirling D]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know but it's the first time you have admitted to creating drama because of it. 

Drama that is unnecessary and often detrimental to not only the relationship but the two people involved.

But anyway, not here to judge you or insult you. 

In fact, I admire people who "own their shyt" as they say. 

Awareness of your fears and how they can negatively impact your relationships is the first step towards healing them.

Assuming you want to be healed, which at 61 years of age, you may not want to. 

 

 

 

 

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem so. Because when she gently suggested your hair would look nice pulled back and maybe on rare occasions you could wear it that way, you read her the riot act and gave her a veiled breakup threat. So, that's not really "fear of abandonment", that was a several page catastrophic meltdown replete with several paragraphs about how awful and mean and superficial  and judgemental and stuck up, etc etc etc. she was. So rethink whether you're really "afraid" of anything. Or you just prefer to have your say.

The theory of borderlines is that they fear being abandoned or left. There’s an attachment disorder there.
 

Often times, unbeknownst to them, they will sabotage or self destruct a situation that gets too heavy for them to handle, because they believe that allowing someone past their emotional gates will reveal that they are heavily damaged, and that eventually their loved one will leave them anyway, so they set off their bombs of self destruction, partly to put themselves out of their misery, but also to test whether the person will leave them under duress. 

This is not a conscious action or reaction, a lot of this is going on under the surface and out of the awareness of the borderline.

I have borderline characteristics. I’m not full-blown, but I see it, particularly in situations like the hair one.

And just to be clear, I wasn’t getting all down and dirty, calling her all kinds of names… But I did say that it was not a good look for her to be fighting for that, especially with the concerned that she had, and I still don’t.

She has almost nothing to lose. She’s at the top of her game… Probably the top of her income bracket. There’s no where else for her to go. No one else that she needs to impress. She’s way beyond needing to do that.

She could probably tell anyone that objected to her coming with a dude with long hair to go F themselves, and it would probably not make one bit of difference in the universe.

[NighttimeNightmare]

36 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I have been understanding and saying on here that fear has been driving my anxious attachment all along… I’m afraid I’m going to be abandoned. I’m afraid she’s going to leave me. It’s a repeating pattern. I’ve been saying that over and over and over!
 

😊🎶😊

But what you’re missing is anxious avoidant attachment styles are essentially addicted to their body being in this constant state of fight or flight. 
 

I think this is the point rainbow has been trying to get you to see, that this is such unconscious behavior for you at this point that you’re unable to “see” what’s actually going on. 
 

you’re so focused on seeing yourself as “conflict avoidant” that you’re missing the fact you may actually unconsciously crave and create conflict… as seen in your history of relationships and the spiral you went into over someone suggesting you tidy up your hair a bit 

 

Not attacking you, I had to come to terms with my own attachment style and find ways to mitigate it and cultivate healthier connections 🤷‍♂️ 

[Whirling D]

6 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

But what you’re missing is anxious avoidant attachment styles are essentially addicted to their body being in this constant state of fight or flight. 
 

I think this is the point rainbow has been trying to get you to see, that this is such unconscious behavior for you at this point that you’re unable to “see” what’s actually going on. 
 

you’re so focused on seeing yourself as “conflict avoidant” that you’re missing the fact you may actually unconsciously crave and create conflict… as seen in your history of relationships and the spiral you went into over someone suggesting you tidy up your hair a bit 

 

Not attacking you, I had to come to terms with my own attachment style and find ways to mitigate it and cultivate healthier connections 🤷‍♂️ 

In all of my time, studying and researching attachment disorders, I’ve never seen it described as an addiction to conflict. I don’t think that’s true.
 

It would likely be more accurate to say that people with attachment disorders have brains that think in a way that is a variant and sometimes believe in an alternate reality, if you will.  When someone learns particular patterns of attachment from a very young age, their neural pathways actually develop in response to those patterns, therefore, they are almost “imprinted” although that’s not the proper word, but they are almost imprinted upon to respond in a way that includes anxiety, panic, fear, and disorder. I don’t believe it has anything to do with being addicted to that behavior, and I’m certainly not addicted to it. I would give almost anything to not feel this way. It’s just the way my brain operates.
 

My therapist, and also lots of my research, states that Brian can be redeveloped, and is known to have neuroplasticity, which means that it can be reprogrammed. 
 

I don’t know how that will happen, and I have to wonder if it ever will happen, but one way or the other, despite the fears and the virtual paranoia that I convey on here, when I am with the doctor lady, or talking to her directly, I am considerably more stable and invested than I have been with almost anyone else I have ever dated.

I will take that as my reality. 
 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

 researching attachment disorders, I’ve never seen it described as an addiction to conflict

That's because argumentativeness has nothing to do with attachment theory. 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I don’t believe it has anything to do with being addicted to that behavior, and I’m certainly not addicted to it.  I would give almost anything to not feel this way. It’s just the way my brain operates.

You're addicted to it in so much as you're unable to control it, manage it or stop it.  

You just said you'd give "anything" to not feel that way, but yet again you're unable to stop yourself from feeling this way!

What do you think addiction is?  

And for the record, yes you can stop it, you have the power within yourself to stop it or manage it so it doesn't wreak havoc on your emotional psyche and others' emotional psyches.

You choose not to.  It's always a choice, everything we do in life is a choice.

Same with drug addiction or gambling addiction.  It's always a choice to either stop or continue.  Every human being possesses the ability to choose and to make a different healthier choice. 

This is no different.

Will it be easy?  No!  But they take steps towards that end anyway because they know it's unhealthy and hurtful to themselves and others.

It's such a cope to say "it's just how my brain operates." 

Biggest cop out there is.  And simply not true.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You're addicted to it in so much as you're unable to control it, manage it or stop it.  

You just said you'd give "anything" to not feel that way, but yet again you're unable to stop yourself from feeling this way!

What do you think addiction is?  

And for the record, yes you can stop it, you have the power within yourself to stop it or manage it so it doesn't wreak havoc on your emotional psyche and others' emotional psyches.

You choose not to.  It's always a choice, everything we do in life is a choice.

Same with drug addiction or gambling addiction.  It's always a choice to either stop or continue.  Every human being possesses the ability to choose and to make a different healthier choice. 

This is no different.

Will it be easy?  No!  But they take steps towards that end anyway because they know it's unhealthy and hurtful to themselves and others.

It's such a cope to say "it's just how my brain operates."   

Biggest cop out there is.  And simply not true.

That said perhap Type O Negative is right. You're 61, you've been living your entire adult life this way and may not want to change anything.

So you cling to the notion of "it's just how my brain operates" and carry on.

Which is fine at least own that choice. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

38 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

In all of my time, studying and researching attachment disorders, I’ve never seen it described as an addiction to conflict. I don’t think that’s true.

Ok cool, because that’s not what I said 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because argumentativeness has nothing to do with attachment theory. 

Wise, you can call it whatever you want. To me, it’s proactive to try to understand what happens to oneself, and, as rainbow said, understanding is the first steps towards changing something. 
 

If I hear someone say something that I don’t feel as accurate, or isn’t fair, would you expect I just don’t say anything?

Often times I think people here get upset or annoyed, because somebody says something that contradicts what they believe. Perhaps I do the same thing. I don’t often say something related to theory unless I have a reasonable explanation for it, particularly when I’m talking about theory of things like attachment disorders, or borderline personality disorder, which I spent months and months researching and still do. 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That said perhap Type O Negative is right. You're 61, you've been living your entire adult life this way and may not want to change anything.

So you cling to the notion of "it's just how my brain operates" and carry on.

Which is fine at least own that choice. 

See, that’s where I think your theory is off track.
 

Often times, traditional addictions are learned compulsive behaviors. There’s also mental health issues beyond those behaviors, and nothing is absolute, clearly.

An attachment disorder is a neurological impediment, if you will, that is part of one’s cerebral conditioning, due to a style of attachment that was adopted at a very young age. That’s a very different condition than traditional addictions.

I guess we are talking semantics here, because those are two very different disorders.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 I’m talking about theory of things like attachment disorders, or borderline personality disorder, which I spent months and months researching and still do. 

Maybe it's time to just be yourself rather than watch videos all the time trying to diagnose yourself. Just be you. 

[Whirling D]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe it's time to just be yourself rather than watch videos all the time trying to diagnose yourself. Just be you. 

I do a much better me as I learn more about why I engage with the darkness sometimes like I do.

Believe me when I tell you, that I am way better with the doctor lady than I have been with most other ladies I’ve been with. Way better.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I do a much better me as I learn more about why I engage with the darkness sometimes like I do.

Overdosing on this stuff seems to increase the level of anxiety, self-absorption and neurosis, so maybe detox for a while and get a baseline of who you really are without all the labels?  

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Overdosing on this stuff seems to increase the level of anxiety, self-absorption and neurosis, so maybe detox for a while and get a baseline of who you really are without all the labels?  

I couldn't agree more. 

D, you devote an inordinate amount of time to psycho-analyzing and attempting to label yourself and your lady, going into rambling and convoluted debates over this or that theory, trying to fit every single behaviour into a bigger pyschological model. It must be exhausting to live this way, and it clearly doesn't help your anxiety at all. 

What have you done today outside the house and offline? That has nothing to do with psycho-babble or this woman? 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

She has almost nothing to lose. She’s at the top of her game… Probably the top of her income bracket. There’s no where else for her to go. No one else that she needs to impress. She’s way beyond needing to do that.

In our society -with rare exception -this is far more true for men than women.  I referred to you not being openminded because your comments about career-minded people who also might make the big $ (not always true combined - career-minded doesn't always mean having a high salary, etc) - typically go to something that is disordered and/or negative as in traits/personality/characteristics.  Or how it doesn't matter if you're nice/friendly/kind if you don't have the fancy job, etc  That is what I meant.  

You also have no idea if she wishes to transition to a different type of practice/different type of career in the future where networking now would pay off.  Or she may casually wish to keep options open and/or she may know that her top of her career could plummet if X or Y happened including cause she is female.

[Whirling D]

I think I may delete this thread soon.
 

I write on here a lot because it’s a way for me to purge what I’m feeling and thinking. No other real reason.  
 

Well, I guess the other reason is that I am often feeling pathetically alone here at my house out in the woods… With no family members around anywhere… All of my lifelong friends living in different parts of the world… Only working a few hours a day, Which is the way I would prefer it to be right about now, but that might need to change at some point in the not too distant future.

A large part of me doesn’t dislike being here at my house by myself. I feel safer on my own, as many introverts do, then having a lot of hands on my time.  But it’s not like I have nothing going on.  Canuck asked me what I did yesterday other than write on here… Well, a fair amount, really… My main playing and gigging guitar amp blew up a couple of days ago, so over the weekend I researched for places to have it repaired, and there’s only one place in the whole region that could do it, so I had to pack up my gear and drive the hour plus into the big city to take that in.   Then I had to clean up the mess where water leaked into the house during the big storms, vacuumed different areas of the house, did at least three loads of laundry that are still not fully put away.  Woke my kid up and got her on the road to her first day of her new theater camp. had to drive her there.  Drove to the next town for what should have been magnificent fireworks, only to get there, and find empty streets, because the ceremony had been canceled due to flooding fields. Oh, boy. Sad to miss that this year.  So, I came home and practice guitar for an hour, mostly in preparation, for what could be my band’s final gig in two weeks.  That is also some thing that is weighing heavily on my mind, since it seems like this band will be imploding after this gig, and I will likely have limited choices of who to play with.I’ve actually been answering ads for about the last month, in anticipation, but there’s not a lot going on around here that suits my taste or my level.

So, if anyone gets the idea that I don’t have a lot going on, maybe not by comparison to our over-challenged society, I have no shortage of things to do. My house is still a mess. I can’t keep up with it all which is another fairly large source of anxiety, coupled with this conundrum of being alone, versus having difficulty reaching out to people, which I did also yesterday. I was texting back-and-forth with my friend Larry last night… Curiously, we didn’t actually talk on the phone, although I did call him the other night with that in mind, which I think it’s a bit of progress on my part. I usually avoid talking on the phone.  I’m sure there’s more I did yesterday, but that’s the main part of it. I have a lot of hours to fill, which is how I get lured into coming on here.

As far as coming on here goes… I  “debate” things on here because I enjoy hearing different perspectives and thoughts, and yes validation. I’m OK with that. That’s what forums like this are often good for.

As wise and blue say, I think there’s a lot of times on here that exacerbate my anxiety, mostly by some of the responses that are left on here.  I shouldn’t care how others interpret what I say on here, but I do. I’m starting to develop a slightly thicker skin, though. I think that would be beneficial on here, and even with the doctor lady.

I will probably continue to write on here, and then eventually delete threads, because I don’t really like having all of this stuff live on digitally. A lot of it feels like bad energy.

Lots of stuff gets misconstrued on here of what I say. No idea why. Makes sense to me, and if it doesn’t, I’ll often offer a disclaimer. I do the best I can to be honest and clear with what I say. You may agree, or not agree. Part of me doesn’t really care. Part of me is ultrasensitive, so I may be defensive here or there. I don’t really care about that either. I’m on here mostly for myself.

moving forward to right now…

So here is where things are at with the doctor lady. We talked again last night on a video call. She seemed happy to hear from me I guess. She even mentioned hypothetically about stuff her and I could do in the future, but I don’t recall what it was.  In conversation, it seems like there is absolutely nothing wrong. And maybe there isn’t. If that’s the case, I’d be OK.  I just don’t know if there’s something up with her. There has been so many changes over the last week, that I just can’t get a feel for where things stand. 
 

Plus, being the ultra sensitive person that I am, many comments on here make me feel uneasy to just be the person I feel like I would want to be, and that person would   eventually say, “OK, doctor lady, there’s been a lot of things that have shifted recently… Should we talk about those things and kind of see where we are at?“ it’s clear things have changed. That wouldn’t be a big mystery. There has to be reasons for those changes, and I suspect it’s just not natural evolution. These are choices, and choices usually have reasons.

For example, I used to enjoy waking up early to call her in the morning on the way to work. For quite a while, she encouraged me to do that, and openly told me that she really enjoyed talking with me on the way to work. It was a nice way to start her day.  I no longer talk with her on the way to work. That’s not just coincidental. It’s a choice.

I stopped calling her in the mornings because I asked her on Sunday night, although some of you thought it was cringe worthy, when I should call her next. She said, in the evening, not the morning. That tells me that she wasn’t interested in talking on the phone in the morning.  Last night, when we end the call, she didn’t say “call me in the morning” which she often did previously, or “talk to you in the morning”. That’s pretty clear that she has moved away from wanting to talk in the morning. Why I couldn’t say. That’s a change, and changes have reasons and consequences. Without me asking her about it I have no way of knowing why or what might have led to the change. 

Also, up until probably a week ago, it wasn’t uncommon for her to text out of the blue and say, “hope you’re having a nice day, my love“. That’s completely stopped. Every text I got from her would have ❤️, or 😘, or 🥰.   There hasn’t been one of those in a week. Not one. That’s a noticeable difference, and I can’t imagine it’s just simply settling in.  Last time I went a week with these kinds of changes. I eventually asked her about it. She told me there were reasons, and that she appreciated that I asked her about them so we could talk. It ended well. We had a great weekend that weekend. She appreciated the open and honest inquiry. I’m not doing that now. 

And I’ve left her lots of room in the last handful of days to not feel pressured. I haven’t said anything about this to her, I haven’t been calling or texting her as much. I have no idea whether she is noticing this change, and for all I know, she’s feeling the same as I am, and wondering why I am dropping off. I can’t imagine she’s not thinking about it, because she notices things just like I do. It’s even possible that she thinks that I am backing away, maybe because of the conversations we had about the aforementioned hair/religion/income. I have no way of knowing because it seems like neither one of us has the courage to talk about it. Neither one of us like rocking the boat. 

There has been zero mention when we will see each other next. But it’s only Tuesday. Typically, we would be talking about our next gathering with enthusiasm and verbal excitement. We haven’t even mentioned when we’re going to see each other next. No mention of her previous invitations up to the beach house this weekend, when I am pretty sure family members are supposed to be there. I think this will be a real test. I’m not going to mention it, and I’m going to see how that plays out. 

I have a bad feeling, but my bad feelings are often incorrect with her, that the weekend is going to come, and it will be like, “well, I’ll be up at the beach house this weekend, so I’ll have to catch up with you later“ with no mention of me joining her as had previously been planned, and even accepted on my part.  She may remember me telling her that I wasn’t psyched about being up there and being analyzed like she was saying would probably happen. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t go, I would go without hesitation, but I don’t have to be happy with knowing that I’m going to be a little bit scrutinized by family members. But that’s life. I would go and do the best I could.

The only thing I seem to be able to hang my hat on right now, is the fact that we’re still talking. And it seems engaged and nice. Even at the end of our call, just like the night before, there seem to be a little bit of awkwardness as to how to sign off, and a tiny bit of dead air, and I think I gave the kissing sounds, and she awkwardly mumbled, “love you… Love you”.

Maybe I should just be taking that to the bank and appreciating that?  I just don’t know.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

I think I may delete this thread soon.

Why delete it?  I mean, there has been a lot of great and valuable info presented here that you could refer back to later for learning purposes. 

Perhaps later, you might catch something valuable you missed the first time.  That often happens to me and I know others.

You can request it be locked, no further replies, and if you wish to have it reopened later, a moderator can do that. 

We are all anonymous, it's  highly unlikely anyone could link to you specifically, many people share the same struggles and this thread might be valuable to them too.

Strive to find some balance in your life.  Between posting on forums, playing your guitar, IDK write a song!  Reach out to old friends.  You get the drift.

You post so much here, then get burned out by it and delete the thread.  Again, strive to find some balance so that won't happen.

I can't speak for others but as a contributor on your threads I feel a bit insulted by that.

You are 61, time to stop running away.  From people, relationships, yourself including this thread by deleting it as if it never existed in the first place. 

$.02.

[Seraphim]

Also deleting or hiding the thread erases hours and hours of people’s work and time and emotional energy to help you, time they will never get back in their life. Fewer and fewer people will begin to reply if their effort and time circle the drain every time. I know I have 30 odd years left and I want every minute to matter, 30 years can go by in a flash. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

Plus, being the ultra sensitive person that I am, many comments on here make me feel uneasy to just be the person I feel like I would want to be, and that person would   eventually say, “OK, doctor lady, there’s been a lot of things that have shifted recently… Should we talk about those things and kind of see where we are at?“

I'll say what I've said before: If you want to talk about this—or anything that's bothering you, with anyone, ever—bring it up in exactly that way rather than couched in vagaries and dramatic presumptions. As in, "Hey, there's something I'd like to discuss. I've felt like things have been a little different between us lately, and I wanted to check in..."

And so on. Make sense? 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Also deleting or hiding the thread erases hours and hours of people’s work and time and emotional energy to help you, time they will never get back in their life. Fewer and fewer people will begin to reply if their effort and time circle the drain every time. 

Well said @Seraphim .

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why delete it?  I mean, there has been a lot of great info presented here that you could refer back to later for learning purposes. 

Perhaps later, you might catch something valuable you missed the first time.  That often happens to me and I know others.

You can request it be locked, no further replies, and if you wish to have it reopened layer, a moderator can do that. 

We are all anonymous, highly doubtful anyone could link to yiu, many people share the same struggles and this thread might be valuable to them too.

You are 61, time to stop running away.  From people, relationships, yourself including this thread.

$.02.

Thank you, rainbow.  Good points.

my handle on here is not as anonymous as one might think. Anyone that knows me, including the doctor lady, whom I have told I purge on relationship forums could probably figure out who I am just by my handle. They would probably have to be pretty desperate to want to come looking for this, but who knows.

it’s not hugely comfortable for me to know that I have fairly private information floating around on here that is often not very flattering, and would probably be a dealbreaker if anyone, including the doctor lady ever read this.

I am not proud of a lot of the stuff I say on here, but I say this stuff as a stream of consciousness, purging into the voice dictation command of my devices, as a means of trying to make sense of things, whether they are flattering or not

I don’t really come on here as much for the theoretical stuff, because I get loads of that through my daily activities and the therapeutic process that I’ve undergone over about the last 30 years.  When I get into that kind of stuff it’s mostly just for conversation and for comparison. Like they tell you in school… Compare/contrast.

I have no idea how many people read this stuff, and I get the impression that there is likely not too many people that would really value or learn from much of what I say on here. I have no way of knowing.  That would really be the only reason to leave these posts on here.

There is also this feeling of “letting go” of a lot of this stuff, after it has been written and considered… Me hitting the delete button is like telling myself that no two days will be the same, and I may not feel today, or even in the next moment, the same as I do right now. In many ways, I feel that this progress. I’m trying not to carry this with me as baggage. There may be a time to let things go, and hitting the delete button lets me know that nothing is infinite.

Part of what I find intriguing, but so much mystifying about jazz music, and jazz musicians, is that the music exists in a singular place and time, and then for the most part, it will never exist in The same manner again. I like to think of life is very similar to that. It’s not easy for me to live that way, but that is a pursuit of mine…
 

I learned that from a jazz composer I worked with years ago. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want the songs to sound similar each time we played them. Lots of jazz guys are like that. They have no Interest in hearing the same thing twice.

this forum is not much like jazz...  There is a lot of repetition, mostly from myself. Moving on from each thread helps me clear my head a bit and start writing from perhaps a slightly different perspective. Doesn’t usually work… 🙂

and lastly, deleting threads allows me some time away from here. As many have observed, I spend a lot of time purging on here. I suppose a lot of people journal, which isn’t hugely different, and that is hugely advocated during the therapeutic process. Lots of credentialed people say that journaling is a must for people that struggle with mental health challenges.

often I can’t tell if writing on here is an asset or a detriment. Sometimes it can be a little bit of both, but I tend to think that it often leans toward the detriment.  I’m on here mostly because I am lonely and want somebody to talk to, and I actually feel like somebody might truly “get” what I am experiencing, or what I am saying. Most of the time, although well intended, most respondents want to try to say or do something helpful, or less and less, just try to do the tough love thing and give me a little bit of a smack upside the head. I don’t respond as well to that, and likely any mental health practitioner would say that Toughlove is a very outdated concept and has been pretty much proven over and over again to be more damaging to relationships than an asset.

well then…

 

 

 

 

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'll say what I've said before: If you want to talk about this—or anything that's bothering you, with anyone, ever—bring it up in exactly that way rather than couched in vagaries and dramatic presumptions. As in, "Hey, there's something I'd like to discuss. I've felt like things have been a little different between us lately, and I wanted to check in..."

And so on. Make sense? 

It makes complete sense, and that’s what my gut, and years of therapy would encourage me to do.  That’s what I did last time I felt like this, and she responded so well to that assertiveness.

but then I fail to believe in that inner voice when I hear lots and lots of people on here telling me that it’s cringe worthy to keep looking for validation like that. Because whether it’s offered in shiny words or not, asking the doctor lady something like that, according to many of you, it’s for my own validation and is discouraged and frowned upon as being manipulative and damaging to a relationship.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

My handle on here is not as anonymous as one might think. Anyone that knows me, including the doctor lady, whom I have told I purge on relationship forums could probably figure out who I am just by my handle. 

Request your handle be changed to something more anonymous IF that is your concern.

Many posters have done that on this and other forums. 

I find it odd that this concern only pops up when you start becoming burned out from posting or your feelings get hurt.

You disappear for a few weeks, then return with a new thread, SAME handle, same issues. 

Stop running... 

[Seraphim]

Thing is though people are giving their time and effort, it is kicking dirt in their face for the effort given. There will come a time when none replies because they know the outcome. 

[Batya33]

My sense of things and again obviously this is just from reading what you write is that she is backing off. Even if I totally signed on to “honeymoon stage “ (which I don’t totally at all) her actions and reactions are to me consistent with backing off. Why I don’t know. I’m not presuming there’s another guy or that it’s this or that. This sort of time - couple months in - is I find when many people fish or cut bait.  Not because of honeymoon.  Just because.  
No games - I’d give her twice the space she seems to need. Your default in this dance of intimacy should be space not needy questions or clingy behavior. Be patient. Be giving - giving to her of space.  Not for a game. Let her be - and let her come to you and then you’ll take it from there.  
 

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

and lastly, deleting threads allows me some time away from here. 

I understand that but locking the thread would serve the same purpose.   Then take a break.

In any event, it's your thread, you're free to do as you wish. 

I just see it as more running away but good luck whatever you decide.