Anxiety as relationship grows closer

[TacticalLinguine]

Hey all, 

Hope you’re well. 
 

I’ve been seeing my guy for around 3 months. Things are going great. They were a bit rocky/strange at the beginning because of xyz reasons (timing, anxieties), but after spending more time together and with us growing closer, we have connected really well and are both really excited for how things are going. 
 

I don’t want to sabotage it. This is the first time in a long while I’ve felt like this. Prior to meeting him, I was single for years, doing my own thing, focusing on my career, etc. I was still feeling confident at the beginning of the relationship but over the last couple of weeks I have grown anxious. I don’t want to get hurt.
 

This anxiety seems to hit me the day after spending more intimate days/nights together, i.e. the last time he spent the night and we genuinely had a good time connecting, I was a bundle of nerves the next day. Last night we just happened to stay up all night, just talking, sharing more personal stories, laughing etc. And again I am scared. I find myself pulling back and trying to ground myself but it’s just not working. 
 

I don’t want to carry my anxiety into this relationship. I have started overeating, I feel blue, I’ve been poking some topics multiple times with him (he still has an ex in his life and although I trust him, I don’t think it’s wrong, my own past experiences are messing with my head). 
 

I really like this guy and what we have, he is so genuine, he’s good, we’re alike in many ways. He makes me feel incredible when we are together, it’s just my mind that starts playing tricks on me when we’re not. 
 

How can I fix this? I feel the confidence I had in me but I just can’t reach it, for whatever reason. 

[Andrina]

44 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

he still has an ex in his life and although I trust him, I don’t think it’s wrong, my own past experiences are messing with my head)

In what ways is he ex in his life?

As far as the other stuff, you can train the self-talk going on in your brain. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, make sure you've chosen someone with similar ethics and dating goals, and to continue with a man with all your must-haves, and cut loose a man with dealbreakers.

So have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a bf, and tell yourself daily that if the worst happens, you'll be upset like everyone is when a breakup happens, and then you'll heal and move on.

There are no guarantees in life, so keep telling yourself you're resilient and will handle whatever comes your way. You don't have any other choice, so worrying about the unknown is a waste of time. 

[TacticalLinguine]

19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In what ways is he ex in his life?

As far as the other stuff, you can train the self-talk going on in your brain. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, make sure you've chosen someone with similar ethics and dating goals, and to continue with a man with all your must-haves, and cut loose a man with dealbreakers.

So have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a bf, and tell yourself daily that if the worst happens, you'll be upset like everyone is when a breakup happens, and then you'll heal and move on.

There are no guarantees in life, so keep telling yourself you're resilient and will handle whatever comes your way. You don't have any other choice, so worrying about the unknown is a waste of time. 

Hi, thanks for replying. 
 

I’ll try the positive self-talk method. Maybe try and cut out the junk food and exercise more as well, so tired of feeling this way! Thank you. 
 

The ex thing, it’s all very casual from what I know. The fling happened a year or two ago; they were friends, thought they could try for a relationship, but it didn’t work out. Remained friends. They don’t hang out from what I’ve seen, sometimes text about life, is what he told me. Maybe run into each other on a night out, it’s a small city. He does want to go back to her for a tattoo, which she promised to do for almost free. I don’t like that and I worry for when that time comes, I’m not sure if I need to ease up here. He has given me no reason to doubt him, he’s very transparent and has welcomed the questions that I’ve had. I am quite possessive and very much stuck in my ways; which aren’t always healthy. 

[bluecastle]

Is this the same guy you wrote about back in May? The one who, before you met up, explained that he was still reeling from a breakup, had trouble accessing his feelings, and was looking for something ambiguous? If so, is the ex you're talking about here the same ex from that break up?

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but don't feel I can offer good advice without understanding things a bit better.

[catfeeder]

I can't say what you 'should' do, only what I would do.

I'd explain to BF that I have a private policy about not getting involved with anyone who is still involved with an ex--in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. I'd explain that I'm being up front about this now because I know myself well enough to know that it would only come out sideways later if I try to overlook it. He can take time to think through where he wants to stand on this.

It would make no sense for me to keep riding a train that is likely to derail for me. He gets to make his own decision about this, and while I'd be disappointed if I had to walk away, it would speak volumes about how far we could actually go together--and it wouldn't be very far.

Head high, and honor your concerns rather than trying to play them cool. 

[TacticalLinguine]

53 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Is this the same guy you wrote about back in May? The one who, before you met up, explained that he was still reeling from a breakup, had trouble accessing his feelings, and was looking for something ambiguous? If so, is the ex you're talking about here the same ex from that break up?

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but don't feel I can offer good advice without understanding things a bit better.

Oh, no. That was a different fella, one I remained acquaintances with 🙂

[Batya33]

She's not really an ex -she's a former sex partner.  Plus a good friend -so it's complicated.  I know for me I would not do something so personal with an ex -like a tattoo or having an ex cut my hair or give me a massage - even if for free -if I were committed to someone else.  It's simply not worth the appearance of impropriety.

In 2005 my ex offered to download his music library onto my ipod.  I really wanted the music library.  It meant a lot to me.  My ex was 100% respectful, we were 100% platonic. Absolutely no ulterior motives -we were still in casual touch, we'd broken up 6-8 months earlier.

My future husband was fine with it - I went to his apartment for an hour to do so and we never were in physical proximity.  Maybe we hugged quickly hello? Like I would with a colleague.  I sat on his sofa I guess and he sat feet away at his computer. I knew I trusted him, I knew I trusted myself, I knew my future husband trusted me.  There was zero issue.  Because my future husband was fine with it and all these other reasons -totally fine.  If he'd expressed concern I'd have waited till my husband could come with me (he could not and we were long distance at the time). 

Call me whatever -I would not be fine with the tattoo situation and I don't think your reaction is irrational.  Time to have a nice and pleasant and firm convo about boundaries. He seems really into you so he should understand.  

On the rest, I love Andrina's advice and I second it.

[shouldhavelearned]

Need to have some discussions with him about the situation.

 

 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t want to carry my anxiety into this relationship. I have started overeating, I feel blue, I’ve been poking some topics multiple times with him (he still has an ex in his life and although I trust him, I don’t think it’s wrong, my own past experiences are messing with my head). 

Ohh, not good 😕 .

How long ago were they a thing before you came along?  By sounds of it, this is kinda new with him. ( 3 mos?).

In ways i can see you being an little anxious - but do you know what exactly is causing it?  You say he's pretty cool & decent.  you just want it all to be okay - but yah, something like this may end up causing some issue's.

Because, as he's coasting along great and all, you're sitting back all tensed up 😕 .

 

[TacticalLinguine]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She's not really an ex -she's a former sex partner.  Plus a good friend -so it's complicated.  I know for me I would not do something so personal with an ex -like a tattoo or having an ex cut my hair or give me a massage - even if for free -if I were committed to someone else.  It's simply not worth the appearance of impropriety.

Here’s my dilemma.. I wouldn’t call her a “good friend”. They don’t hang out or the like, more or less social media friends. I do trust him, he himself stated that constant texting etc would be disrespectful. I’m quite confident he would drop the tattoo idea if I asked; the reason he wants to go is because of the price. He is utterly broke, finding a new job is very difficult here currently, he had to calculate the two chocolate bars he bought me into his budget. Same with a rose. 
 

Should I press it still? Do I have “the right” to do that..? I can’t exactly pinpoint why it’s uncomfortable to me, people do remain friends after break ups etc, they never even got invested in each other, are very casual friends. I worry it’s something my gut is trying to tell me, I don’t know. He’s a very easy-going person, on good terms with everybody, we appear to just see it differently? He’s already suggested meeting his parents, the other day he apparently spent 40min on the phone with his nana talking about me. He truly appears genuine. But my mind is hurting still.  

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh, not good 😕 .

How long ago were they a thing before you came along?  By sounds of it, this is kinda new with him. ( 3 mos?).

In ways i can see you being an little anxious - but do you know what exactly is causing it?  You say he's pretty cool & decent.  you just want it all to be okay - but yah, something like this may end up causing some issue's.

Because, as he's coasting along great and all, you're sitting back all tensed up 😕 .

 

I think it was two years ago when the fling happened. He also had other situationships etc after that fling. Maybe I should also mention he had recently gotten out of a 9 year relationship prior to that (ages 15-24), so I’d imagine he felt like he’d been thrown into freezing water. He told me of the darker thoughts he had around that time. 
 

I sympathise and empathise with him completely, I just can’t understand why he’d keep her around. It’s not something I would do, I don’t think. I kept a fling around once before, but that was because I was selfish and enjoyed the ego boost. 
 

But again, that’s just me. He doesn’t seem to make a big deal of it at all, just sees it as a past experience. I don’t know.. 

Am I in denial or something? 
 

I apologise for the ramble.. Just trying to process this. 

[Batya33]

If he's broke he doesn't need a tattoo. Are you comfortable with his comfort with casual sex? 

It's not about "rights" and you can sympathize and empathize and decide this person isn't compatible with you/on the same wavelength - you are entitled to enforce your own boundaries and standards and be with someone with compatible values.

[boltnrun]

Does this woman know he's in a dating relationship with you? Is he game to have you come along while she does his tattoo?

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

He is utterly broke, finding a new job is very difficult here currently, he had to calculate the two chocolate bars he bought me into his budget. Same with a rose. 
 

Should I press it still? Do I have “the right” to do that..? I can’t exactly pinpoint why it’s uncomfortable to me, people do remain friends after break ups etc, they never even got invested in each other, are very casual friends

So it sounds like he's 27 yet can barely afford gifting someone with a $2.00 chocolate bar? What is his job, or is he unemployed? Do you have any standards for your partner's financial stability and work ethic?

If this woman is just basically a social media friend, and barely more than that, would it be any sacrifice for him to end the friendship and come to a consensus with you about which relationship boundaries you're comfortable with?

You might be letting things slide that you're not comfortable with because you're in the honeymoon stage. Be real with yourself about the relationship boundaries you'd prefer to stick with, and don't settle. Best not to invest any further time if your gut is telling you to beware. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I think it was two years ago when the fling happened. He also had other situationships etc after that fling. Maybe I should also mention he had recently gotten out of a 9 year relationship prior to that (ages 15-24), so I’d imagine he felt like he’d been thrown into freezing water. He told me of the darker thoughts he had around that time. 
 

I sympathise and empathise with him completely, I just can’t understand why he’d keep her around. It’s not something I would do, I don’t think. I kept a fling around once before, but that was because I was selfish and enjoyed the ego boost. 
 

But again, that’s just me. He doesn’t seem to make a big deal of it at all, just sees it as a past experience. I don’t know.. 

Am I in denial or something? 

Yah, I just see more red flags 😕 

 

He had a LTR, which ended roughly 2 yrs ago.. then a bunch of flings?  Most probably because he's not dealt with any of that properly or even taken a break.  Instead is out there using woman after woman 😕 .

I suggest you sit back and watch this carefully.  In ways, I can see something negative happening in the next 3 mos.  Maybe because he can't keep a long term relationship afloat & may pull away at any time.

I also wonder the effects of the LTR ending.  Like did he fall into a depression?  Abused etc.. or did it just die out and both parted ways respectfully?

 

[TacticalLinguine]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If he's broke he doesn't need a tattoo. Are you comfortable with his comfort with casual sex? 

I’m okay with it. I’ve had casual relationships as well. 

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Does this woman know he's in a dating relationship with you? Is he game to have you come along while she does his tattoo?

I’m not sure if she knows. His friends do know about me so perhaps the word has gotten around. He did tell me she has a boyfriend, apparently he introduced them or something. Not sure if this matters. 
 

I do think he’d be cool with me going along, but it’s something I’d never do.. I don’t want to see his exes, hear about them, none of that. 

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

So it sounds like he's 27 yet can barely afford gifting someone with a $2.00 chocolate bar? What is his job, or is he unemployed? Do you have any standards for your partner's financial stability and work ethic?

If this woman is just basically a social media friend, and barely more than that, would it be any sacrifice for him to end the friendship and come to a consensus with you about which relationship boundaries you're comfortable with?

You might be letting things slide that you're not comfortable with because you're in the honeymoon stage. Be real with yourself about the relationship boundaries you'd prefer to stick with, and don't settle. Best not to invest any further time if your gut is telling you to beware. 

He’s sacrificed his finances for sports, he’s an aspiring athlete. I don’t care for his financial situation, his money isn’t what matters to me. Thinking about the future, I’ve always known I’ll be the main breadwinner in a relationship thanks to my career. 

You make excellent points.. I just don’t want to be controlling or overreact. It did happen two years ago. And I do trust him, I do not think he’d betray me. It’s just the idea of an ex being around. I’ll reflect on this..

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yah, I just see more red flags 😕 

 

He had a LTR, which ended roughly 2 yrs ago.. then a bunch of flings?  Most probably because he's not dealt with any of that properly or even taken a break.  Instead is out there using woman after woman 😕 .

I suggest you sit back and watch this carefully.  In ways, I can see something negative happening in the next 3 mos.  Maybe because he can't keep a long term relationship afloat & may pull away at any time.

I also wonder the effects of the LTR ending.  Like did he fall into a depression?  Abused etc.. or did it just die out and both parted ways respectfully?

 

Before me he was single for a year. The LTR just died out, the last 4 years he felt like he was merely “kept” in the relationship. She was apparently quite cruel towards him in the last years and also cheated during the last few months. 
 

The situationships, he told me they all failed because he kept getting played. Girls came on, dumped him, cheated, etc. Which is also why he was so careful with me in the beginning. 
 

He has really opened up with me in the last few weeks. He doesn’t seem like a person who would disrespect me, I just don’t want the ex there! My dumba** starts comparing myself to her. I’m scared I’ll end up sabotaging this relationship, either with my anxiety or by appearing controlling. 

[Batya33]

So I would do a lot of self talk here as to what you own -what you've signed up for.

You are comfortable being with someone who has casual sex and remains in contact with casual sex partners (this one is also a friend you said).

You are comfortable with being the main breadwinner in a situation where your partner's financial values are -my priority is to chase a dream even if I am broke as a result and I am "trying" to get a job but "it's hard" (and perhaps -nope not doing retail/ride share or side hustles cause I got me a potential sugar mama).  

Money -amounts -need not matter. But you are saying -and accept -that his financial values aren't important -he does not value financial stability or independence, he does not have a strong work ethic (he did for his sport but it doesn't translate to working for a living/keeping food and shelter stable).  You dismiss it as money -it's not about "money" IMO.

Your standards are atypical.  Atypical doesn't mean right or wrong.  If they are honestly your standards they should not trigger the least bit of anxiety like "oh so he's going to be with his former sex partner getting a free tattoo" or "so I treated for dinner/concert tickets/vacation the last 2 months because he's broke but he was able to afford meeting former sex partner/tattoo artist for drinks, and then he was able to sleep in the next day because he's not working or looking for work today.")

Do you like the control of potentially being the main breadwinner where your partner is home all day chatting with his former sex partner and occassionally doing an errand or updating his resume cause he's "trying" to work? That might be part of it- you get anxious if you are not in control.  You would have a lot of financial control over this person were you to be serious. Consider that. You might also get super resentful or turned off given his work/financial related values.  

[Andrina]

A person by his age should be well established in a career. What you see now, don't expect/hope for improvement. His fun aspiration hasn't panned out, and he's probably drawn to you because he sees the stability there that he lacks. My first husband was childish in a similar manner, and by the end of our marriage, he was doing a fun job that cost him more in gas than he was making.

There is nothing wrong with a woman being the breadwinner. I am. But for my second marriage, a must-have for me was someone with a healthy work ethic. In fact, my husband just got a dollar per hour raise because he is so valued in the work place.

If you live in America, just know that in many states, after ten years of marriage, if you divorce, he is entitled to half of all of your retirement funds at whatever amount it is on the day of your divorce. Plus, if you have a pension, he is entitled to half of that upon your retirement. Let's say you might get 30 percent of your normal salary in retirement. Now, you'll only get 15 percent.

So you're naive to not care about his work ethic to earn a reasonable salary. And reconsider your word "controlling." It's not accurate. Really decide your relationship boundaries now and state them. If a person is on the same page, you're compatible in that area. If you're not compatible on relationship boundaries, he's not the right man for you. Since you're anxious about his former sex partner, isn't that telling giving you clues about what your choice is for an element in your relationship boundaries? For this and any future relationship, when discussing becoming exclusive, that's when boundaries should be discussed. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m not sure if she knows. His friends do know about me so perhaps the word has gotten around.

Has he told you she knows he's in a relationship with you? It's odd to me you wouldn't know if she knows about you. And odd to me that you two would rely on "word getting around" instead of him saying to her "my girlfriend and I...".

I can see why you're anxious.

[TacticalLinguine]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So I would do a lot of self talk here as to what you own -what you've signed up for.

You are comfortable being with someone who has casual sex and remains in contact with casual sex partners (this one is also a friend you said).

You are comfortable with being the main breadwinner in a situation where your partner's financial values are -my priority is to chase a dream even if I am broke as a result and I am "trying" to get a job but "it's hard" (and perhaps -nope not doing retail/ride share or side hustles cause I got me a potential sugar mama).  

Money -amounts -need not matter. But you are saying -and accept -that his financial values aren't important -he does not value financial stability or independence, he does not have a strong work ethic (he did for his sport but it doesn't translate to working for a living/keeping food and shelter stable).  You dismiss it as money -it's not about "money" IMO.

Your standards are atypical.  Atypical doesn't mean right or wrong.  If they are honestly your standards they should not trigger the least bit of anxiety like "oh so he's going to be with his former sex partner getting a free tattoo" or "so I treated for dinner/concert tickets/vacation the last 2 months because he's broke but he was able to afford meeting former sex partner/tattoo artist for drinks, and then he was able to sleep in the next day because he's not working or looking for work today.")

Do you like the control of potentially being the main breadwinner where your partner is home all day chatting with his former sex partner and occassionally doing an errand or updating his resume cause he's "trying" to work? That might be part of it- you get anxious if you are not in control.  You would have a lot of financial control over this person were you to be serious. Consider that. You might also get super resentful or turned off given his work/financial related values.  

I think context is missing here. He works at a regular job 4 days per week, has side hustles, trains up to 5h a day. The reason his salary is this low is because his boss has quite literally screwed with his hours. He is looking for different jobs but considering the small town we live in + the thousands of Ukrainians that were made a priority over our own people, it is very difficult in the job market currently. He wouldn’t even let me buy his movie tickets in one of our last dates, despite his finances, he is still trying. 
 

The ex fling, they do not meet like this. For drinks etc, he would never. The tattoo thing, I don’t know, as a tattoo enthusiast I kind of get it, nobody needs a tattoo, but we do want them. However after reflecting some here I do think I will ask him to drop that idea. 
 

I do have issues with control. My mother was incredibly controlling, I resent her and what she did, but have noticed I still did adopt some of her behaviour. I don’t think I necessarily want to “have him under my paw” with the finance situation, my dad raised me better than that, he taught me humility and sharing, but I do want control over the ex thing. I feel like I have no control there. 

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

A person by his age should be well established in a career. What you see now, don't expect/hope for improvement. His fun aspiration hasn't panned out, and he's probably drawn to you because he sees the stability there that he lacks. My first husband was childish in a similar manner, and by the end of our marriage, he was doing a fun job that cost him more in gas than he was making.

There is nothing wrong with a woman being the breadwinner. I am. But for my second marriage, a must-have for me was someone with a healthy work ethic. In fact, my husband just got a dollar per hour raise because he is so valued in the work place.

If you live in America, just know that in many states, after ten years of marriage, if you divorce, he is entitled to half of all of your retirement funds at whatever amount it is on the day of your divorce. Plus, if you have a pension, he is entitled to half of that upon your retirement. Let's say you might get 30 percent of your normal salary in retirement. Now, you'll only get 15 percent.

So you're naive to not care about his work ethic to earn a reasonable salary. And reconsider your word "controlling." It's not accurate. Really decide your relationship boundaries now and state them. If a person is on the same page, you're compatible in that area. If you're not compatible on relationship boundaries, he's not the right man for you. Since you're anxious about his former sex partner, isn't that telling giving you clues about what your choice is for an element in your relationship boundaries? For this and any future relationship, when discussing becoming exclusive, that's when boundaries should be discussed. 

I don’t know. For reasons stated above I am not worried about his work ethic, and I do believe in him. He trains incredibly hard, and there are results. He has considered dropping the dream and going to a standard 9-5 job with decent salary, but he still wants to try as he is still in a good age. He has given himself 2 more years. 
 

Thank you for your words, I think I will bring up the ex fling thing again. I just need to figure out how to do it. 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Has he told you she knows he's in a relationship with you? It's odd to me you wouldn't know if she knows about you. And odd to me that you two would rely on "word getting around" instead of him saying to her "my girlfriend and I...".

I can see why you're anxious.

We just don’t really talk about it. If topic runs to an ex I almost immediately shut it down because it physically makes me sick. Which I then later regret because I should have asked xyz questions so I would know. But at the same time I don’t want to know? 
 

They don’t chat constantly, maybe a message exchange a couple times a month. I don’t see why he should go out of his way to announce to an ex he’s taken. Maybe he has, I don’t know. I don’t pry. 

[Batya33]

Sounds like he is underemployed and financially struggling.  Time will tell if his actions are consistent with his words.

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I just don’t want the ex there! My dumba** starts comparing myself to her. I’m scared I’ll end up sabotaging this relationship, either with my anxiety or by appearing controlling. 

The ex is there? ( still in the picture?).

IF, in any way he may be 'comparing you', it may be then, because hes not over all of that. IF you are doing this - not a good thing to do.  Their relationship was messed up- obviously .

I will admit, one time, for a little while, I let my hair grow & grow ( because my ex was seeing someone who had long hair- BUT, I finally stopped all that!  I thought, to heck with this & started looking at some decent hair cuts and just did it all for me . ).  So, don't do that kind of thing.. It's just gonna wear you down.

And how do you see yourself 'controlling'?

 

4 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

We just don’t really talk about it. If topic runs to an ex I almost immediately shut it down because it physically makes me sick. Which I then later regret because I should have asked xyz questions so I would know. But at the same time I don’t want to know? 

Yah, this is concerning - physically sick 😕 .  It just sounds like YOU are not ready to be dating. 

All over some guy you've only been dating 3 mos.  Then maybe it's just best to NOT be involved.. not yet.  Not until you DO feel more yourself.  No relationship should be  making someone feel like this .

[TacticalLinguine]

So we talked. 
 

The tattoo idea is done and over with, he agreed to not go through with it. He was still a bit annoyed because he would’ve gotten it super cheap and now has to wait a while longer. 
 

He told me the ex fling happened 2 years ago, she now has a kid with her new man as well, I wasn’t aware of that. Apparently they also went to the same school and got along well, which is largely why they still keep in contact and touch base a couple times per month. 
 

He offered to show me their messages but I declined, I think that’s wrong. 
 

Does any of this make it “better”? I’m still feeling anxious.. 

Thanks for reading. 

[Batya33]

I think it makes it better that she’s a mom now and involved.  Also I do relate to the school connection.  I also would have declined to look at the messages. 
What is the anxiety about ?  His tone and attitude about the tattoo ?

[Wonderstruck]

On 7/7/2023 at 1:53 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

Before me he was single for a year. The LTR just died out, the last 4 years he felt like he was merely “kept” in the relationship. She was apparently quite cruel towards him in the last years and also cheated during the last few months. 

The situationships, he told me they all failed because he kept getting played. Girls came on, dumped him, cheated, etc. Which is also why he was so careful with me in the beginning.

I would be careful taking the word of the guy who blames each and every one of his exes for the demise of the relationship.

He's doing the classic "All of my exes were the problem! But YOU'RE different!" routine.

It's a red flag. You'll probably end up being another one of his exes who "played him" that he tells the NEXT GIRL about when your relationship with him ends.

He's the common denominator in all of those relationships.