How can my parents cheat on each other but still love one another???

[SarahS25]

Last year I read my father's private journal. I was cleaning and organizing the basement and stumbled up it. Till this day I regret reading. It took me weeks to finish reading it. This is my summary of what I read:

- They started dating since they were 17 year-olds still in HS (they're now 51)

- Mom she cheats in 1992 with his best friend in his own house. Dad catches them in the act (she's on top of him), in the couch and clothes scattered on the floor. He goes after the friend, beats/punches him and breaks up.

- He gives in to mom's pleading, that she loves him, promises to never cheat again, she buys him a new couch with her money... after 3-4 months later he takes her back

- both work things in couple therapy, counseling, therapy, etc. They still get married in 1996; 4 years after her cheating

- I'm born in 1998 and dad still had doubts. He took the paternity test twice and twice it came back 99.99 positive

- Dad cheats back with a co-worker (uses her for revenge) in 2000, had an affair for a several weeks but guilt gets him and he confesses all. They worked it out again. Mom was more lenient with forgiving him, even thought she deserved it and the R (reconciliation) process was faster since he confessed.

- They made a deal not to bring up each others' cheating anymore and never mention it to anyone, not even us. The topic has been dead and buried since.

Growing up, I always thought we were the ideal, perfect family; my parents, me and my twin sisters (both 19 year-olds). Ironically it was mom that was the stricter parent, lol. I know couple therapy and counseling helps but wouldn't dad still be having flashbacks/triggers (of them together) about it even now, 31 years later? How can mom be ok he lied about forgiving her but still did a revenge affair? Is the relationship ever really stronger than before? How can you love your partner but still have sex with their friend? Does anyone really get over getting cheated on?

I'm not that shocked anymore but how can anyone love someone they cheated on??

[Seraphim]

Stay out of their business it’s not your business. It was before you were even born. Obviously they worked out their issues just stay out of it. There’s no need to bring it back up.

[SarahS25]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Stay out of their business it’s not your business. It was before you were even born. Obviously they worked out their issues just stay out of it. There’s no need to bring it back up.

While mom's cheating was before I was born, dad's (they were married by then) cheating took place in 2000 and I was 2 years old by then. But ok I guess it's none of my business. You're right. It's just that I would never hurt my husband like that and can't imagine working it out if he cheated.

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, SarahS25 said:

While mom's cheating was before I was born, dad's (they were married by then) cheating took place in 2000 and I was 2 years old by then. But ok I guess it's none of my business. You're right. It's just that I would never hurt my husband like that and can't imagine working it out if he cheated.

Everyone is different. If they have been good with each other since ,they have made their peace . If they have had a good life since and you and your siblings were happy and your parents were happy, that is also truth in the past and present . 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, SarahS25 said:

 It's just that I would never hurt my husband like that and can't imagine working it out if he cheated.

Are you married? Cheating is very complex and people divorce or stay married for complex reasons. Not everyone has a forgive and forget attitude. Nor should they. A family is a hard thing to break up. Your parents were wise to keep this private. It's unfortunate you can't unsee this, but in time you'll come to terms with it. 

[SarahS25]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you married? Cheating is very complex and people divorce or stay married for complex reasons. Not everyone has a forgive and forget attitude. Nor should they. A family is a hard thing to break up. Your parents were wise to keep this private. It's unfortunate you can't unsee this, but in time you'll come to terms with it. 

Yes my husband and I just got married on March 20 and are in the process of trying to conceive. He's my first and I'm his 2nd. I had the intention of making it a virgin on the altar (that's how strong my values of commitment are) but instead lost it when he was still my fiance, 2-3 months prior to our wedding; so close.

[shouldhavelearned]

Has this been posted here or somewhere else previously?

[Lambert]

I think it comes down to values.  Some people would never cheat and are appalled at the very notion of it.  The other end of that spectrum are people that cheat and figure everyone does it, so why not? 

I'm sorry you read that journal.  You should not have.  It's a hard/sad thing when we see the flaws in our parents.

But I think the best thing you can do, now, is decide this is not about you.  It really doesn't change anything.  We tend to feel we are somehow part of our parents relationship, but really we're not.  It's theirs. Be glad they find a way to work it out. Try not to take sides or dwell on how they feel about it.  It's more complicated and simpler than you can ever know.  Choose to push it out of your mind and pretend you don't know.

Sorry... I'm sure you're upset but it's ok.  Don't make it more than it is- the past.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, SarahS25 said:

I'm not that shocked anymore but how can anyone love someone they cheated on??

 

Well, loyality and love are not mutual in some cases. I read a story today how a man was bragging how his wife was plowed by some black guy. Because she is a porn star and it would sell good on her Onlyfans. Needless to say he is a but of the joke on the internet but cases like that do exist. People who stay together but sleep with other people from some reason. 

Cheaters also have a distorted view in justifying their cheating habit. Meaning that they stay in a relationship because it suits them(they could even love the other person in their own way of that word) but invent a reason to cheat so they could feel justified. How they are not exclusive, how their partner didnt pay attention to them so they found somebody who would, how after eating burgers every day you need a pizza every now and then etc. Anything that could justify their cheating habit. But they would still stay in the original relationship because it suits them from some reason. 

[redswim30]

15 hours ago, SarahS25 said:

While mom's cheating was before I was born, dad's (they were married by then) cheating took place in 2000 and I was 2 years old by then. But ok I guess it's none of my business. You're right. It's just that I would never hurt my husband like that and can't imagine working it out if he cheated.

Gonna drop some life lessons for you 

1. Don't get involved in other people's business, including your parents- you'll be happier that way. 

2. Other people aren't you and you aren't other people. People are gonna make choices you disagree with and you will make choices that others disagree with- just wait til you have your child- you'll see.  It's best to steer clear of judgment. 

3. Perhaps the BEST AND BIGGEST I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS-  IMVHO, people should avoid using rhetoric like " I would never".   Unless you have BEEN IN a situation, you DON'T really know what you would or wouldn't do.  You are at best guessing and at worst, virtue signaling how you are a "superior" person based on a totally hypothetical that hasn't even happened to you. 

Please know I mean this with all due respect and just to give you advice as someone who has been through a lot and who as a newlywed in my 20's would have said some of the exact stuff you are saying now-

You're a newlywed.  Life is going to test your marriage in ways you can't even fathom right now.  If you have kids, THEY will also test you and your marriage in ways you can't begin to even imagine right now.  Life kicks you around.  I've done things in my life that I didn't think years ago I was capable of doing, because I had never been in those situations.  I don't condone cheating, but I can understand the many different paths people take that lead them there.   Everyone is different regarding reconciling after cheating, but it's not one size fits all. 

Hypothetically, let's say 25, 30 years down the road you discover- your husband that you love, that's overall been a fantastic husband to you, a great Dad to your hypothetical children, and that you genuinely love, has been unfaithful to you one time with someone he didn't love, he's not a serial cheater, he swears he'll never do it again, apologizes and does all he can to earn back your trust.  Maybe you COULD imagine working it out.  It's always easy to say what you "would" or "wouldn't do" hypothetically and always much different when you are IN the situation yourself.    

Try not to judge your parents.  They made their own choices.  It's not for you to judge them.  You will make your own choices based on what you think is best for you.   And I'm betting you won't want others to judge you for them.  Also, stop reading other people's private journals. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

Gonna drop some life lessons for you 

1. Don't get involved in other people's business, including your parents- you'll be happier that way. 

2. Other people aren't you and you aren't other people. People are gonna make choices you disagree with and you will make choices that others disagree with- just wait til you have your child- you'll see.  It's best to steer clear of judgment. 

3. Perhaps the BEST AND BIGGEST I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS-  IMVHO, people should avoid using rhetoric like " I would never".   Unless you have BEEN IN a situation, you DON'T really know what you would or wouldn't do.  You are at best guessing and at worst, virtue signaling how you are a "superior" person based on a totally hypothetical that hasn't even happened to you. 

Please know I mean this with all due respect and just to give you advice as someone who has been through a lot and who as a newlywed in my 20's would have said some of the exact stuff you are saying now-

You're a newlywed.  Life is going to test your marriage in ways you can't even fathom right now.  If you have kids, THEY will also test you and your marriage in ways you can't begin to even imagine right now.  Life kicks you around.  I've done things in my life that I didn't think years ago I was capable of doing, because I had never been in those situations.  I don't condone cheating, but I can understand the many different paths people take that lead them there.   Everyone is different regarding reconciling after cheating, but it's not one size fits all. 

Hypothetically, let's say 25, 30 years down the road you discover- your husband that you love, that's overall been a fantastic husband to you, a great Dad to your hypothetical children, and that you genuinely love, has been unfaithful to you one time with someone he didn't love, he's not a serial cheater, he swears he'll never do it again, apologizes and does all he can to earn back your trust.  Maybe you COULD imagine working it out.  It's always easy to say what you "would" or "wouldn't do" hypothetically and always much different when you are IN the situation yourself.    

Try not to judge your parents.  They made their own choices.  It's not for you to judge them.  You will make your own choices based on what you think is best for you.   And I'm betting you won't want others to judge you for them.  Also, stop reading other people's private journals. 

Correct, as someone who has been married almost 30 years you never know what life will throw at you. 

[SarahS25]

15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, loyality and love are not mutual in some cases. I read a story today how a man was bragging how his wife was plowed by some black guy. Because she is a porn star and it would sell good on her Onlyfans. 

Cheaters also have a distorted view in justifying their cheating habit. Meaning that they stay in a relationship because it suits them(they could even love the other person in their own way of that word) but invent a reason to cheat so they could feel justified. 

Yet many others would probably think if you really love someone then you wouldn't cheat on them. It seems like the majority associate fidelity as a proof of love while those that reconcile like my parents are fewer.

I suppose they can love in their own ubique ways I'll never understand. 

[SarahS25]

5 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Perhaps the BEST AND BIGGEST I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS-  IMVHO, people should avoid using rhetoric like " I would never".   Unless you have BEEN IN a situation, you DON'T really know what you would or wouldn't do.  You are at best guessing and at worst, virtue signaling how you are a "superior" person based on a totally hypothetical that hasn't even happened to you. 

Please know I mean this with all due respect and just to give you advice as someone who has been through a lot and who as a newlywed in my 20's would have said some of the exact stuff you are saying now-

You're a newlywed.  Life is going to test your marriage in ways you can't even fathom right now.  If you have kids, THEY will also test you and your marriage in ways you can't begin to even imagine right now.  Life kicks you around.  

Hypothetically, let's say 25, 30 years down the road you discover- your husband that you love, that's overall been a fantastic husband to you, a great Dad to your hypothetical children, and that you genuinely love, has been unfaithful to you one time with someone he didn't love, he's not a serial cheater, he swears he'll never do it again, apologizes and does all he can to earn back your trust.  Maybe you COULD imagine working it out.  It's always easy to say what you "would" or "wouldn't do" hypothetically and always much different when you are IN the situation yourself.    

Try not to judge your parents.  They made their own choices.  It's not for you to judge them.  You will make your own choices based on what you think is best for you.   And I'm betting you won't want others to judge you for them.  Also, stop reading other people's private journals. 

Good points. I took my marital vows very serious and I believe he did too. I look forward for the best. Hopefully it all works and I don't have to deal with infidelity. I wish I had never read the journal though. I regret doing that. That's my life lesson right there I guess. If I ever were to bump into another private journal, notebook I'm not going to bother with it. 

[catfeeder]

It could be that despite what some may have believed was a premature commitment to one another at a very young age, your folks grew from their adolescence into adulthood with enough love for one another to repair their ruptures along the way and still remain together.

They did this successfully enough for you to perceive your parents’ marriage as happy and your home life as healthy.

Most people believe that adolescence ends at age 18 or 21, but it usually lasts through age 25 or so, when the prefrontal cortex is fully developed. Some experts recommend that no major life decisions be made before that time, because the brain is still so dynamic until then. This can speak to why early commitments rarely last through early 20’s, yet your parents beat those odds.

So your folks remaining together despite years of growth and turbulence speaks to a foundational love that overcame their mistakes along the way. It sounds as though they both opted to give one another the benefit of one pass.

[tattoobunnie]

On 7/4/2023 at 6:45 PM, SarahS25 said:

While mom's cheating was before I was born, dad's (they were married by then) cheating took place in 2000 and I was 2 years old by then. But ok I guess it's none of my business. You're right. It's just that I would never hurt my husband like that and can't imagine working it out if he cheated.

Never say never.  And never ever think marriage is easy the entire time. There are many ways to break fidelity in 31 years.  People who love each other and want to be together, can learn to work through it and forgive and get past it.

Your parents are humans, and humans all make mistakes.  In 11,315 days of marriage, things happen.  What you do to be accountable of it, is the difference.

[SarahS25]

On 7/5/2023 at 5:32 PM, catfeeder said:

It could be that despite what some may have believed was a premature commitment to one another at a very young age, your folks grew from their adolescence into adulthood with enough love for one another to repair their ruptures along the way and still remain together.

They did this successfully enough for you to perceive your parents’ marriage as happy and your home life as healthy.

I have to admit they really did a good job raising us. There was nothing ever missing during my childhood. That's impressive indeed.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, SarahS25 said:

I have to admit they really did a good job raising us. There was nothing ever missing during my childhood. That's impressive indeed.

Then this is what you concentrate on . Their sex lives aren’t your business unless you want them in yours . 😉

[SarahS25]

22 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

There are many ways to break fidelity in 31 years.  People who love each other and want to be together, can learn to work through it and forgive and get past it.

Your parents are humans, and humans all make mistakes.  In 11,315 days of marriage, things happen. 

Since my husband and I have a great communication and nothing is missing, I would like to believe it remains that way.

Mom (then 20 years old) cheated when they were just bf and gf, not even engaged yet. So basically she did failed big time there. Then she kept true to her promise of being faithful since and took the marital vows seriously, never cheated in the marriage.

[Seraphim]

All you need to concern yourself with is they gave you and your siblings a good life. So stay silent about it and have your own good marriage .