Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

I didn't just say "okay" I then asked him what time was he thinking? 

He never got back to me. I was then going to ask him about the place. But I never heard from him. 

If he never settles on a plan, them I guess we have no plan. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 He never got back to me. I was then going to ask him about the place. But I never heard from him. 

Don't you two text a lot? It seems like he throws stuff out  there insincerely, but you take it literally. Sorry this is happening. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't just say "okay" I then asked him what time was he thinking? 

He never got back to me. I was then going to ask him about the place. But I never heard from him. 

If he never settles on a plan, them I guess we have no plan. 

Or he'll put it back on you. Or lazily say he wants to plop himself on your couch.

Obviously I'm not impressed with what you've told us about him. I get that your other dates were duds and you had fun with him, but he's not consistently making efforts to see you and he's cancelled twice.

I disagree that you should be pursuing him and asking yet again for him to see you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't just say "okay" I then asked him what time was he thinking? 

He never got back to me. I was then going to ask him about the place. But I never heard from him. 

If he never settles on a plan, them I guess we have no plan. 

And you're still unsure whether this clown is jerking you around?

Seriously?

I can't anymore.

Good luck.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Or he'll put it back on you. Or lazily say he wants to plop himself on your couch.

Obviously I'm not impressed with what you've told us about him. I get that your other dates were duds and you had fun with him, but he's not consistently making efforts to see you and he's cancelled twice.

I disagree that you should be pursuing him and asking yet again for him to see you. 

But he's "manly" so.......

Alex, he's playing you.  If you were unable to see it before, surely you see it now. 

No matter how intensely you feel or how intoxicating you believe the chemistry to be, you gotta aim higher.

You have to, make that decision, otherwise you're gonna get used, trampled on, spit out and crushed.

I'm sorry this happened too,  please PLEASE learn from it. 

[boltnrun]

Alex, is interacting with this guy enhancing your life? Is all of this causing you to feel happiness?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. This can't be the right guy for me.  

But you already knew this. His house is in foreclosure and he just got out of a whirlwind marriage. That screams unstable.  Unfortunately it seems like you're in a hurry to keep up with your marrying friends and sadly, trying to "craft" a BF out of this guy.  If you just want to kill time until something  decent comes along, that's fine. Just don't take this guy seriously.

[Alex39]

He finally replied saying he doesn't care what time. He also apologized, saying he had a tough long work day that ran long. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

He finally replied saying he doesn't care what time. He also apologized, saying he had a tough long work day that ran long. 

What's the plan? "Hanging out" at your place?

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What's the plan? "Hanging out" at your place?

There is no plan. No time, place, just commitment to see each other. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He finally replied saying he doesn't care what time. He also apologized, saying he had a tough long work day that ran long. 

I'm curious how you can trust and take seriously anything he tells you at this point.  Especially that he'll actually show up for the 'hang out' tomorrow.

I have no doubt his "tough long day" consisted of him being on the app and/or messaging women, and rounding up the best offer.

Netflix and Chill at yours. For now.  No other woman would go for it. 

If something better comes along between now and then, you're out.  That's why it's all loosey goosey with no plan.  

I don't like him and seriously wondering why you do. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He finally replied saying he doesn't care what time. 

Ok pick a time.  Or is that not allowed either because the man has to pick the time. 

Be careful about the word committed to each other when he has a habit of cancelling.  

[LootieTootie]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What's the plan? "Hanging out" at your place?

Oh yea I put my money thats where he wants to meet up. We all know why.

I've dated guys like this who just want to "hang and chill" and it burns out fast even if you got chemistry. All I can say is if you want a man who is a planner, this isn't the person. I'm not saying this guy doesn't like you but his effort and his flakiness is someone who shouldn't be dating. People like this are the reason why single people get jaded.

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

There is no plan. No time, place, just commitment to see each other. 

So, as per usual, he didn't actually ask you for a real date. Just some vague reference to seeing you at some point tomorrow. (Not a "commitment").

I guess you changed your mind from what you said a couple of hours ago. 

I hope you're still active on the dating site and have plans to find ways to meet other men. There have got to be better options out there. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I feel really dumb and clingy. I think I might scare him away. 

You're not going to scare him away.  Unfortunately, if the patterns in place carry on, he will just disappear when he finds someone who captures his interest enough that he wants to date them.   It won't be because you scared him, just that your availability won't be needed any further.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but this is what you have signed up for, and evidently you know it and are pretty much fine with it.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do this every time. What do I do now? I'm seeing him tomorrow,  but there isn't even a plan. I'm wracking my brain over this. This can't be the right guy for me.  I wouldn't feel this way if it was. 

Oh cut it out.  

You chose to be a text buddy when he blatantly ditched you twice.  THEN you asked him out on a date.   You decided to do these things and I am here to respect your choices.  Nobody is here to now participate in your self pity party.

If you don't want to waste your time on this lame-ass loser, please just CANCEL and we can all have a good laugh about your temporary moment of weakness.

If you're still cool with being "backup girl," then own it and hold your head high.   Do not whine about choices you have made when you have ALL the information you need to know exactly what you are getting into.

It's not like he's led you on or anything.  He has not acted like he's interested in you.  You are chasing him.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I know many of us are coming hard at you, please know we have your best interests at heart. I know I do.  And don't want to see you hurt if it can be avoided.

So, I asked earlier what 'story' you're telling yourself that makes this OK in your mind and heart.

I came up with one story, it was speculation.

But if you're inclined to be honest and forthright with us, and yourself, again what makes this OK and acceptable to you?  What's the story you're telling yourself?

I really am curious.

[Jaunty]

53 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

There is no plan. No time, place, just commitment to see each other. 

This does not count as a commitment.  It's just wishy washy nothingness.  

 

[itsallgrand]

There's no commitment there at all. He is a time waster. Does things purely for his own convenience.

You are just dipping toes into dating. Don't do it half a butt cheek like this. Give yourself a chance to actually date men who are available for you and care at least enough to show up.

Carrying on with time wasters is how people end up hating dating and thinking it's pointless. But it's a choice to not filter out these duds. Why not make it easier? Dud...ok, moving on!

[Jaunty]

19 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

 

Carrying on with time wasters is how people end up hating dating and thinking it's pointless. But it's a choice to not filter out these duds. Why not make it easier? Dud...ok, moving on!

Actually this was discussed at length at the beginning of this thread or another one by the OP about starting OLD.  

The point being that her job is to be screening the guys for whether they would be likely to meet her criteria.

The first guy she dated told her he was about to move away but would like to hang out with her while he was still nearby.  She said NO because she was supposedly looking for something with potential for long term.

That guy is starting to look like a real catch compared to Mr. Flakathon over here.

[itsallgrand]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Actually this was discussed at length at the beginning of this thread or another one by the OP about starting OLD.  

The point being that her job is to be screening the guys for whether they would be likely to meet her criteria.

The first guy she dated told her he was about to move away but would like to hang out with her while he was still nearby.  She said NO because she was supposedly looking for something with potential for long term.

That guy is starting to look like a real catch compared to Mr. Flakathon over here.

I confess I skimmed the thread! 

Tonnes of great input already but figured I'd add my 2 cents in case it nudges her faster to getting what she says she wants.

 

[boltnrun]

No one has advocated for such extremes.

But there's a huge gap between "the man must always plan!" and "this man never plans and has cancelled twice." There's a happy medium. This man doesn't even come close.

[rainbowsandroses]

Well I see you "liked" my post asking what story you're telling yourself that makes this okay, so I know you read it.

But no response?

This tells me you know whatever you're telling yourself is complete horseshyt, you're not in denial about it (like I was), but are choosing to go forward  anyway. 

Ok fair enough, it's your life Alex. 

I don't understand it, but it is what it is I suppose.

[rainbowsandroses]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. The picker is way off. Let's dump Mr family man and read the rules books about being "fun and flirty" . The focus is on following the rules. The man must plan, the man must initiate, the man must call all the shots,  you must play games, you must act coy, etc. Right into the arms of control freaks and losers. Decent men will run from this nonsense. Because according to the rules, you have to be a passenger in your own life to attract Mr right. You're not even allowed to have date ideas. 

Lol, the book you often recommend or have recommended in the past "He's Just Not That Into You"  isn't much better!! 🤣

If he doesn't call and ask you out, he's just not that into you.

If he doesn't buy you a romantic gift on your birthday, he's just not that into you.

If he doesn't pay for your dates, he's just not that into you. 

If he breaks a date and doesn't reschedule immediately, he's just not that into you!

It's the same premise as The Rules but it's written by MEN!

And like those "rules" female authors, they're laughing all the way to the bank.

All those rules books are bullsh** but that's neither here nor there. 

THIS guy is a bona-fide arse, period end of.  But Alex really likes him, he's her "one magic person" so no one is going to be able to talk her down from this.

The End.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Can someone give me the cliff notes of this one…